I just read the first part and have decided not to read everyone else's comments on it.

First of all, it's way too short to mean anything.  What is this a series for?  You can't build suspense suspense in twelve page chapters (especially when you space everything out the way you do).

You tend to describe things in ways that can't be shown on the camera.  On page one, you have that description of Allison, which shouldn't be there for any reason.  Being a sports fan doesn't mean anything here.  If you film this, how are the viewers going to know that she likes sports?

A messed up room does not indicate a messed up life.  If you're trying to convey this, find another way (like having her run around the house looking for her keys).

'It's her boyfriend Mark' is another example of this.

'Ambience Museum is a museum for lost and ancient artifacts' is another example.

Your dialogue is very condensed, which results in it being forced and you not being able to develop the characters.

Don't use abbreviations in a script.  Save 'C-YA' for text messaging your friends.  Spell everything out in script writing.

I had a problem with Mark's death.  He's lying in the road, at night, dying (or dead), and her curiousity gets the better of her where she looks at a box on the ground?

Your chapter ender leaves a little to be desired.  It was more of a scene ender than an episode ender.

Over all, you should extend the episode.  Remove some of the scenes that don't pertain to the story and flesh everything else out.

I'll get to the second chapter soon.


Phil

Thank you for the review and i apprichiate you doing so. In the end it will be 60 pages. BUT i have pages and pages i cut out. This episode you read was orginally 20 pages. I cut the pages because they were not complete and i want the reader to have more to read once they read the whole 120 page version.

I am working on Episode Two and making it better and fixing mistakes and such. So i would like to say everything you have mentioned has been changed and is a much better read. The complete Episode One is 19 pages, I hope you read on and enjoy the story.

I just completed episode 4. It is shorter like 11 pages. That is because in the extended full version there is a backstory and all.

Thanks again for the review and it helped.

I read episode two and I have problems with it.

Contagium is not a story, but rather a series of scene (and images) that are faintly tied together through Allison.  There's no cohesion to the weirdness and nothing is happening.  Everything comes down to:  something scared Allison; she runs; something e;se scares Allison, she runs; something else scares Allison; she runs....

I find problems with your scene descriptions.  You describe things that can't be recorded.  At the very beginning, you write that 'she keeps hearing voices in her,' and 'she has a feeling that she is not alone and that something is following her.'

How does the camera show voices in her head?  How does the camera show her feelings?

Every other line you write involves blood and gore and veins in my teeth.  You write so much of it that the reader becomes desensitized (and bored) to it.  It seems that all you're doing is seeing how much gore you could fit on a page and, that by itself, doesn't make it scary.


Phil

hm. never really thought of it that way. well this episode leads to the main place the story takes place. there is where the storys starts to unfold. i am changing this episode around a lot at this moment.

The story doesn't start until episode three?  You have to start it at episode one.


Phil

The first two episodes is the set up for the real story. Of course the first 2 have somewhat a story but  it is all set up.

Do you think that people are going to sit through two episodes of setting up?  No one's attention span is that long.  Allison should know a little of what's going on, or atleast have met her adversary by the end of part one.

Right it, it just seems like she's in a dream.


Phil

there are things to keep the reader entertained in episode 1 & 2.

If you are entertained by simple blood and gore, then there are things to keep you entertained.  But that's all you have.  There's no character development and there's no real story.

There are other ways to scare people than gallons of blood.  Rent 'Silence of the Lambs.'  The scariest scene consisted of conversation between Hannibal Lector and Agent Starling.  'The Blair Witch Doctor' was scary not because of blood and gore but because of suspense and not knowing what was chasing the three fiilmmakers.

Something to think about...

I read part three, Andrew, and I don't think I'll be reading four.  You're essentially repeating yourself with every scene.  The more blood you use, the less of an impact it has.  The same with gore.  I was actually surprised when I saw that Mark didn't die a bloody death.

I'm under the impression that you've been playing Silent Hill 2 while you were playing this.

Write a scary story and add the blood later.  If you can't, then you don't have a story.


Phil

i never played silent hill in my life.
and im sorry you didnt like it. every1 else did.
i am working on the recluse right now. summary can be found in work in progress.
this will be more in depth and you will like it.

The submit a script has been being mean to me lately and there will be a little delay on the next episode. So ima read it over again and make some changes if necessary. What does everything think of this so far? Could you see this made as a movie?

Episode 4 is now up. Please read and i hope you enjoy it.

Andrew

Andy, I don't see the point of any of this.  Much like the previous parts, all you're writing is gory scenes with a faint thread of a storyline.  If you want to shock anyone at this point, write a scene without blood or violence.


Phil

After reading over i do understand what you mean. The blood everywhere will be changed. And the violence in the beginning was used to tell the story. That actually has a meaning. Lol. Thanks for you review and i was wondering after this is all done and i re wrote it. Could you read it and tell me how it is then?