How To Be by Ben Clifford - Series, Comedy - An aimless baby boomer mother is forcibly reconnected with her estranged and disappointing son after the death of the family's abusive matriach. 36 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Ben!

As usual your character work is spot-on - you nail different personalities very well.

For a Comedy however, I wanted more comedy. More light to contrast with the dark.
Morose characters are fine if they're balanced with a comedic foil imho, and I wasn't getting quite enough of that. Bit too much mean spiritedness between all the characters - could you perhaps balance that a bit more?

I just re-read the logline too... If I hadn't read it I would have said this was David's story but the way you worded it it's supposed to be Robin's story primarily?

'Also David' is a selfish prick of a character with so far very little in the way of redeeming qualities.

I honestly thought Ethel was going to spoil everyone's fun and live. Bit of a downer.

There's something to be said for milking comedy from tragedy but I was having a bit of trouble getting on side with these characters as they don't really treat each other very well. They all seem at odds with one another, like they couldn't care less even when some are trying to extend themselves.

Some examples of some not so nice character-driven shows :  Seinfeld, and Muriel's Wedding, Fleabag too. The thing is the awful characters are balanced by laugh out loud comedic situations, and/or by including genuine heart and warmth, but also by getting us on side and making us feel the plight of the main character.

I can't highlight passages of your script that I liked in Dropbox - very annoying, suffice to say there were situations I found amusing.

Loved David explaining at the end to his Mum the double-reverse cuckold, and what I perceived as her deadpan response - that was funny.

Arianna saying she was 'not into the crying' was a funny moment too.

But surely, this is David's story?
At least that's how it appears to me.

Have you seen 'It's a Sin'?
You need more music and atmosphere in this, and moments of fun and laughter to counter the tragic and depressing. At the moment it reads more Play than Screenplay to me - a bit too lacking in the visual department, if that makes sense. Of course I'm just one opinion.

Also, your title: How to Exist, or How to Be?

Incidentally -
Typos:
Priest
& lying, not laying.

Hey LC!

Thanks so much for the read and comments. It's really helpful; this was a super early draft (possibly first draft?) and the title has changed a few times, guess I didn't update the title page.

My intention -- whether I achieved this is another thing -- was to slowly reveal the smallest kernel of sweetness in David and Robyn's relationship, culminating in the final scene. I can see how this is really, really, brutal though, in retrospect.

The logline's definitely a less obvious way to focus on the premise. I do feel like Robyn and David's story are pretty balanced -- maybe I could open with Robyn and not David though? I enjoyed writing her stuff way more.

Thanks again LC!