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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Jesus' Last Moments Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 16th, 2005, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Jesus' Last Moments by Helio J Cordeiro - Short, Drama - They need to do something to save Jesus, but they seem to be unprotected men against well-armed soldiers. Will them succeed?  - pdf, format


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datha
Posted: December 23rd, 2005, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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nobody read it? may be they did but they get nothing to comment (like me)?
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Jonathan Terry
Posted: December 23rd, 2005, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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I tried but some of the grammer really confused me so I quit.  Sorry Helio.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: December 24th, 2005, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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Helio,

SPOILERS

Iím not sure what youíre going for here. Iím inclined to think your goal was to lure the reader into thinking this is a story about the biblical Jesus only to have a twist in which itís revealed that the story is about a completely different Jesus.

If that was the goal, then it could probably only work on paper. It would be nearly impossible for an actual film to do this without something in the clothing, setting or diction giving it away. Itís possible I suppose but it would be extremely difficult.

In any event, I think you should seriously reconsider the numbered characters. There were four and itís very confusing as to whoís who. I really think this would benefit from the characters being more distinguished. Perhaps you didnít because it may reveal the twist if their names donít match the apostles, I donít know. But it was difficult to separate the characters when there were numbered men all the way to #4, all of them having lines.

Itís interesting nonetheless and I admire the way you stretch your mind as a writer.


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Shelton
Posted: December 24th, 2005, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Helio,

I've gotta agree with Breanne here.  I don't think your twist could be accomplished on film.  

What may help is to change the names of Men 1-4 to Peter, Paul, John, Judas, etc., and maybe try to throw some other things in there that would lead people to believe that this is a modernized version of the crucifixion.


Anyway, I did think it was an interesting read, but should be extended a little bit.  Maybe to about ten pages or so.


Mike


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bert
Posted: December 24th, 2005, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Helio:††What can I say.††Everybody is right.††(1) This "misdirection" would not work on the screen and (2) all of the numbered characters gets annoying.

Also, the entire "twist" here is based only on the name -- "Jesus" -- with no other relevance to anything biblical at all.††If you were trying to tell a story with some larger message, this might be acceptable.

But here, it is reduced to the level of a cheap trick.††You even use it in the title, which is quite suggestive of the type of story we should expect.

Invoking the name of a character that is so important to many people for the purposes of this story strikes me as inappropriate -- and this is coming from an agnostic viewpoint.

You've got some good stories floating around here, Helio, but I am afraid that this is not amongst the best of them.


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greg
Posted: December 24th, 2005, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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I think the above comments could be based soley on perception.  Helio is Hispanic, and in South and Central America Jesus is pronounced "Hey Zeus." It could all be coincidential and maybe Helio's title is actually "'Hey Zeus' Last Moments.'"  He's got alot of stuff on the board that are odd stories, so maybe this is just about a guy who's shot.  I don't know.  Whenever Helio reads this he'll let us know.


Be excellent to each other
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Shelton
Posted: December 25th, 2005, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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No way.  He's got Jesus being dragged up to a hill by a bunch of soldiers as four men and his mother look on.  I truly believe his intention was to have everybody thinking this was about Jeez Us, and not Hey Zeus.

All signs just seem to point to it.



Mike


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: December 25th, 2005, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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Iím with Mike.

Thereís also the fact that he refuses to name Jesusí followers, most likely because if their names match the apostles it will ruin the twist since John and Mathew donít sound very Hispanic.

Itís the same with his mother and the young woman. Calling them Mary or Mary Magdalene outright would ruin the twist at the end.

Jesus is being escorted to an inferred execution while his followers fearfully try to reason what to do about it. The fact that they possess guns is withheld until a later point.

Jesus is arrested and beaten. Helio even uses the word ďtransfigure,Ē clearly a biblical term. I could be wrong but it seemed pretty obvious to me.


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Helio
Posted: December 28th, 2005, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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All of you are very right!

My attempt became frustrated and I lost the track with their names. Maybe if they were just one or two Jesusí follower...The other thing was, it never be filmed without to reveals that that Jesus was not the Christ but the revolutionary Hernandez. Maybe if it was a tale or a short storyÖ I swear since my first script I attempt to create many ways (in screenwriting) in order to surprise the readers, but sometimes I fail.

Thanks a lot to all
Helio.
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Shelton
Posted: December 28th, 2005, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Helio
I swear since my first script I attempt to create many ways (in screenwriting) in order to surprise the readers, but sometimes I fail.



Helio,

I wouldn't really say you "failed".  You've got a decent idea here that is a nice surprise on paper, it just can't be filmed.

My opinion is as long as you've got something, you haven't failed.  Maybe try it as a short story, this would at least give you a chance to get really descriptive with things.


Mike



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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Helio
Posted: December 28th, 2005, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Many, many thanks Mike, but I know that my attempt failed.

I'll try again, again until someone to say: "Get out of here you Spanish b*****d, go back to write funeral advertisements!"

I'm so thankfully with you all, believe me!

Helio
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Scoob
Posted: December 31st, 2005, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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I read this and I thought it was good, I mean it wasnt incredible but I liked the way it flowed and the pacing was what kept my interest.

I did believe this was about Jesus and then having peaked a look at the previous posts, saw that it was although I think it would have been pretty clever to have been about someone else.
If not somewhat devious!

Its a nice idea and well written.






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BigBadBrian
Posted: December 31st, 2005, 2:30am Report to Moderator
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Aye. Helio, this was a good script. This isn't intended to be the actual JESUS... It is pronounced HEESOOCE... Right? Okay.

This was a great short, and I only have the same feedback as the others. Your characters need names. Not Man #1 and #2. That was all that really concerned me. It is good, and I'm going to go read Opurto or Orporto's Bride.
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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I agree, I just got done reading this and I even thought that this was about God's son, I found out iot wasn't. Look change it to God's son and I bet your raves will go wild,
Dan


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michel
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 3:54am Report to Moderator
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Good try Helio. I agree with everyone that it's a nice allegory but it only would work on paper.

It was nice to read something from you again

Michel


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Helio
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dan and Michel, thank you two to revive (hehe like Jesus!) this attempt of cheating the people around here! Thanks again!
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 13th, 2006, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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hey Helio,

I really thought it was about God's son nice twist at the end. That makes for a good writer.

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

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"The Secrect Door",††Production

"Twisted",††Post Production

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"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
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Helio
Posted: July 13th, 2006, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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"I really thought it was about God's son nice twist at the end. That makes for a good writer."

Hey Daniel, again, I have to say you thanks a lot, man!

I was think that you maybe will like to read "The man that killed Bambi". Take a look at it on Shorts that I will read one more piece of yours, right?
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HyperMatt
Posted: December 16th, 2018, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Digging into the Simplyscripts archive, and the writer will probably never see this.
Not reading the comments of the logline, the twist really got me, but agree with what everybody is saying that is would only work on paper (or a radio play?).
It rarely did feel like a Biblical film at the start, creating the atmosphere with thunder and rain (reminded me of The Robe).
Unnecessary capping. and having sluglines with CONT. and NEXT as opposed to the more traditional Night and Day confuses things.


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AndyJ
Posted: November 9th, 2019, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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I actually thought it was going to be a switch. I was thinking Man#4 was Jesus and someone had switched with him sacrificing their life.

When the truth was revealed I was disappointed and immediately wondered how that would work as a film.  


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