This one was brilliant. Loved the twist. Loved the dialogue, the descriptions of the characters, especially Dane. This script just really appealed to me, because I know that there is a thrill in a hunt.

Quoted from darthbrion * spoiler * however I do have a question.  maybe it's because I'm retarded or something but it seems that this isn't the first time Tommy has sent a "friend" to see Dane.  instead of just sending poppy why wouldn't Tommy send in a two man crew if Dane is the corporate headhunter that he is? brion

Maybe he did.  It isn't known for sure because the script picks up in the middle of the scenario, but if I were to actually incorporate something like that into the script, it would probably spoil it.


Greg & Ghost,

Thanks for the read.  Most people seem to be getting a kick out of it, so I'm happy with its turnout.

Hey Mike,

Nice little short. I enjoyed it, but it's not one of your best.

SPOILERS:

You use the description "sea of cubicles" twice  in a very short time. It's a good description, but maybe use a different one the second time.

For a contract killer, I must say Poppy is a pretty crummy shot. He's also begging Dane to shoot him later. It works when you first read this, when we think the roles are reversed, but after having read it once and know the twist, the second time around this doesn't seem so believable. Maybe you didn't want us to read it twice.

I did not have a problem with Dane saying he's going to chuck the body out the window. He never does it, just mentions it so it doesn't matter.

Sorry I got hung up on other things, I seem to do that all the time.

Pia,

Thanks for the feedback.  I can see how things would seem different the second time around, although if it worked the first time around, i can deal with that.

I didn't even notice I used sea of cubicles two times in a row.  I'll have to change that.

Thanks for reading.

Hey Mike, you’ve got an entertaining piece here. Good job.

*SPOILERS*

Nice twist at the end, it was interesting to find out how the hunter was supposed to be the prey before he started to kick the sh*t out of Poppy.

Dane’s dialogue lines sounded quite good, although once Poppy is dead and nobody is listening to him, his monologue sounds a bit artificial.

Descriptions were good but I found a couple of lines which could be shortened a bit for a faster read. Like your first line for example: ‘The office interior is a sea of cubicles’
You can start directly with ‘A sea of cubicles’ since ‘interior’ is already implied in the slugline right above (INT) and the same could be said about ‘office’ (OFFICE BUILDING).

Dane is the one introduced holding guns, yet Poppy’s the first to fire a shot. For a clearer read I would suggest to describe right away that Poppy is armed as well.

I second what other readers said about the fake suicide. Although we don’t see Dane disposing the body, it isn’t hard for the reader to assume he will.

After Trevor Poppy is introduced, sometimes he’s referred as ‘Poppy’ and sometimes as ‘Trevor’. It’s better to stick to just one name for a clearer read. ‘Trevor’ looks better for a hitman, by the way.

Pretty interesting read and just in 8 pages. Definitely something to be proud about.

Mr. Z,

Thanks for the read.

After reading through it again, the office interior slug does sound a little redundant.  Thanks for catching that.

When I started the script with Poppy hiding under the desk, I was going to have the gun held close to his face, but I wanted to paint a picture that this guy is just scared shitless, and could possibly be hiding as his only resort.  The sudden, desperate shot would serve as more of a surprise.

I'm having a hard time with the body disposal thing.  I can understand where everyone is coming from, and it's an easy fix, but if I do fix it I want it to be something in that same vein.

Found a Trevor rather then a Poppy.  Incidentally, the line is "Trevor pops".  My sunconscious must have forbidden me to write "Poppy pops".

I probably could have drawn this out a little more, perhaps started earlier, or had the chase go a bit longer, but I think I accomplished everything I wanted to in 8 pages (or 7 if you take out the title page).

Thanks for the read.

Brilliance! Sheer brilliance. Great job. I really liked the twist. And the ending was comic.

Spencer

As usual your dialogues are great, Mike...sometime nonsense...why? Because I can't imagine someone exchanging shots, hunting each othertalking like that like a parrot...but it is you, so no problem at all. You trick very well with the reader, Mike,  with the twist at the end!

Nice job!

By the way change Trevor (at begin of page 2) for Poppy, because you call him all time Poppy, right? So he will be Poppy untill the end!

Spencer and Helio,

Thanks for the feedback, it's always good to see the word brilliance in association with my work.

Helio,

Yeah, sometimes dialgoue gets away, but I like it...lol

I noticed that too when I re-read it, I think I stayed away from it because it would have been "Poppy pops", even though that's correct because I refer to him as Poppy through the whole script.

In the beginning as I reading I was like Poppy is scared, and has slim to no chance so I didn't think the dialogue where he says "You aint never gettin' that easy cheif." was to much brovado, if such a word exsist, for the situation. Even if he ends up the contract killer.

And I was also wondering what I was going to get out of this, for theme, which I thought I was about "living life to the fullest" but it isn't woven into the scritp other than that one part. Therefore the piece you've have written sounds like a sequence missing from a larger script where we have one professional having another hitman running scared and commense track and kill story, e.g. Bourne.

And the debate about the suicide. Agreed it doesn't sound very smart of Dane to attempt such a thing, and actualy lowers what I thought of him as a brilliant killer... You say people are being to logical, maybe, but why would you bring such a thing up in the script, I mean really it doesn't add to the story and is only drawing bad press.

I would suggest ridding of it, or somthin' more clever done to the body.

I think the strongest aspect of the script was the twist, no doubt. You did well.

Quoted from insideman_j And I was also wondering what I was going to get out of this, for theme, which I thought I was about "living life to the fullest" but it isn't woven into the scritp other than that one part. Therefore the piece you've have written sounds like a sequence missing from a larger script where we have one professional having another hitman running scared and commense track and kill story, e.g. Bourne.

Hey, thanks for reading.  I think I commented on everything else you noted, but I don't remember going into this aspect of the script yet.

You're right, this is just a piece of a much larger story, but if I were to extend this at all, I think it would be to a point where the twist is lost.  I did think of some other things I could add to make it longer, but that's all it would do, it wouldn't really add anything to the script, and would be the same "sequence".

Unless of course I kill two birds with one stone and throw Poppy in the incinerator.

Hey Mike,
I would have missed this one if it wasn't SCRIPT OF THE DAY today.  

I'm glad I didn't miss it.



SPOILERS

First let me say that I liked it. It was a good story, and in only 8 pages.
The room with the mouted, stuffed animal heads was a clever little twist. It made me think for a second that maybe Dane was hunting Poppy for a human trophy...
I don't like those stories by the way, and I was happy when the ending proved that is wasn't that kind of script at all.
Clever little script, Mike. Nice twists, and an ending that left me with a smile.
If I was going to make a suggestion about this one, I would suggest that you tighten the dialogue at the end of the script. I'd also chuck the part about throwing the body out the window, and leave the ending with Dane smiling as he looks over Poppy's dead body, and telling the guy on the phone that he could expect a cleaning bill.


Again, nice script  
Cindy

Cindy,

Thanks for the read, and for pointing out that it's today's script o' the day.

Glad you noticed the animal heads, and it started to take you in that direction.  I started to think about something that could still throw the reader for a loop, but then make sense once everything is out in the open.

The whole idea for this script came to fruition based on the twist, and I just wrote everything to get to that point.  I really went into this one blind, but I think it says a lot given its length.

Nobody likes the body dumping part!  Yeah, it's out there and far fetched, and I probably did fall victim to being talky, but I didn't think it was that bad....hahaha

Your choice of where to end it would fit well though.  I'll look into that.

Thanks again.

Mike

I just got through reading this one and I don't think I've ever read anything from you, so it was coming sooner or later.

I don't ever check script of the day so had I never read Cindy's post there I'd probably have never read this script, if t wasn't at the top of the portal page. However, it was and here's a review because of it.

8 pages and I was laughing on site. I knew you wrote some stuff and seem to have a pretty decent following here so I thought --> "surely this has to be better than the 5 and 10 page scripts I've read as of late"

And guess what.......................? It wasn't.  No, I kidd.... I do... I kidd.  It was actually pretty complete for 8 pages. I was impressed by that aspect of it. I didn't feel the story needed to go on after the ending and I was left with pretty much what you gave us. A really good script.

Now, everyone is talking about the twist and that is good. I was thrown off, that's for sure. I think the best aspect of the story was the misdirection in how you started the thing off, myself.

Cause, really, you could've kept the ending but just focused on DANE the whole way and we'd have known he was the lead. However, you gave us this shot of POPPY and established him as someone early on... even with a lack of dialogue for the character I still thought he was the lead "at first" now, of course most would with how you laid the story out... but the best part was basically telling us that we were rooting for the bad guy the whole time.

I like that.

Anyways, all in all a good script. I thought it was a little Pulp Fictiony sometimes.. with the whole monologue bullshit and all, but I liked everything else. The killing and disposing of the body, might need worked on... But, if you ask me, it still works the way it is. Hell, it's an 8 minute short after all.

Baltis~

Hey Balt, thanks for the feedback, and thanks for pointing out the one thing that I hoped would steer people in the direction that you were in right off, opening with Poppy.

I really did think I accomplished an entire story in just these few pages.  Sure, it could have been extended, but doing so wouldn't have brought much to the table really, at least I don't think so.

Thanks for checking it out, and I'll be looking at The Toll shortly.