Thrill of the Hunt by Mike Shelton - Short - A businessman's late night at the office turns out to be more than he bargained for. 8 pages - pdf, format

SPOILERS...

Pretty solid piece of work you got here, Mike. Some great dialogue, an overall amusing situation, and a nice twist as well. I honestly thought Dane would end up being the contract killer or that he'd simply gone postal. Not many problems here. The only thing I'd suggest you change is Dane's final monologue. No one talks to themselves like that. It'd work better if he said it to Tommy. Other than that, nice job.

James,

Thanks for the read and your comments.  I originally had him saying those last few lines to Tommy, but it didn't sit right with me to just have him ask a bunch of rhetorical questions, so I changed it to him talking to himself, and in the process added the "magazine"  thing.

I think that's what made it a little longer than necessary.  

But, in my defense, I talk to myself all the time.

That was awesome man. The twist at the end had me laughing out loud. I kinda liked how he was talking to himself

Thanks for checking it out, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Mike,

SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought this was pretty good, but not as good as some of your other stuff.  The dialog was of course good, like usual, but what I didn't get was even if he threw the body out the window to make it look like a suicide, what about the two bullets in his chest, I'm sure the cops would know it wasn't, maybe if he broke the guys neck or something like that.  

I did like how that it was really the hunted hunting the hunter, you had a nice twist there and it worked quite well.  The monologue part was funny, this was one cold dude....LOL.

anyways, I liked it, it made me smile, and I chuckled a few times.

Hey thanks for checking it out.  With this script, I wanted to add things in that would make the reader think and/or throw them off.  The body out the window thing being a prime example.

Most people will notice and question it, but Dane never actually does anything about it, he just sits back at his desk.

I'm well aware that the bullets wouldn't go anywhere, but that's debatable.  If the body were thrown from a high enough distance, it could really splatter, sending the bullets off to who knows where.  Doesn't matter though, because we never find out what Dane actually does.

Thanks for reviewing Pause.  Meant a lot Mike.

I like this little short.  Threw me in really quickly.

Good writing.  The only things which I though were a problem, were the suicide and bullet thing that another reader mentioned.  Don't knwo if anyone would buy it, especially the detectives.  The blood stained carpet would not be explainable.  Forensic specialists with uv lights.  I know this because I see CSI.  Just kidding.

Meh, little stupid details that I shouldn't be talking about.  I really enjoyed it.  You're a terribly gifted writer.  Come on!  Won't somebody make this bastard rich already!  

Get out of here and start doing it!  You deserve it!

Mike,

Just read this short. It's the first script I've read of yours I think and I've got to say it's really good. The dialogue was great, it made me laugh sometimes. The twist was brilliant. Never saw it coming. I thought Dane was actually hunting Poppy for fun or something. Really good short anyway, I enjoyed reading it... though for some reason I felt sorry for poor Poppy. Not sure why... And is it crazy to talk to yourself...? I hope not... I do it a lot to .

I enjoyed this, Mike, but I have to agree with TBWCF on the body out the window thing. It made me stop in my tracks and ponder the logic of it. Sure, if the building's high enough maybe it's not an issue, but I don't know for certain. I'm not sure it's even necessary for him to mention disposing of the body.

The twist is good, the dialogue is snappy as usual, I felt you could have have ended it just a little sooner after the reveal, but all in all it was a fun read. I like the way you throw us into a situation and set up our expectations before pulling the rug from under our feet.

Good writing.

Agghh!  Too many people pondering logic.

Thanks for the reads guys.  I'm trying to become a rich bastard, but it's slow going at this point, although a have a few irons in the fire right now.

I realize how irrational the whole thing with throwing the body out the window is, I just thought it was stupid and somewhat humorous.  I didn't realize it was going to throw everybody off that much.

I could have had Dane tell Tommy he was going to send him the cleaning bill or something, but I thought, eh, let's be stupid.

Someone has expressed some interest in possibly making this based on a general storyline, so if it comes to that I may end up changing it.

Like I promised... A review...

This script had the most bizarre twist at the end that made me cackle with excitement. That's probably the best twist I've read in a script from SS. No offense to any other writers who have good thrillers, but this has a REALLY GOOD TWIST.

Format has no problems, spelling and grammar is el perfecto, but I felt I didn't get to know the characters. I'm guessing it's just because of the length of the script which isn't a problem.

Good work Mike... Good work...

4/5

James,


Thanks for taking a look.  Glad you enjoyed it.

The lack of getting to know the characters is more or less the fault of the structure of the script.  Not only because of its length like you said, but because I'm throwing you into it right away.

I could have started at an earlier point and developed them a little more, but when it comes down to it, there really isn't that much you need to know about these guys, and what you do is discovered at the end.

heh fun script man.  like everyone else the ending caught me off guard and I giggled like a little school girl.  the whole throwing the body out of the window thing ~ meh.  for all we know he was just saying that to say it.  to rub a little more salt in the wounds as they say.

* spoiler *

however I do have a question.  maybe it's because I'm retarded or something but it seems that this isn't the first time Tommy has sent a "friend" to see Dane.  instead of just sending poppy why wouldn't Tommy send in a two man crew if Dane is the corporate headhunter that he is?

brion

Hahahaha

SPOILERS!

This one had me laughing all the way through.  Really funny thriller you got here...I think that was what you were trying to get.  This would have been awesome for the one week writing exercise.

Nothing much to complain about...sharp dialogue, excellently played twist at the end, funny lines.  I guess my only problem is that it's only 8 pages...maybe try to add something else in or something, like maybe have them first getting into a fight so they start off equally, that way the audience automatically thinks Dane is the bad guy and that would make it all the more thrilling.  Just a thought.

Aside from that, awesome work!!

This one was brilliant. Loved the twist. Loved the dialogue, the descriptions of the characters, especially Dane. This script just really appealed to me, because I know that there is a thrill in a hunt.

Quoted from darthbrion * spoiler * however I do have a question.  maybe it's because I'm retarded or something but it seems that this isn't the first time Tommy has sent a "friend" to see Dane.  instead of just sending poppy why wouldn't Tommy send in a two man crew if Dane is the corporate headhunter that he is? brion

Maybe he did.  It isn't known for sure because the script picks up in the middle of the scenario, but if I were to actually incorporate something like that into the script, it would probably spoil it.


Greg & Ghost,

Thanks for the read.  Most people seem to be getting a kick out of it, so I'm happy with its turnout.

Hey Mike,

Nice little short. I enjoyed it, but it's not one of your best.

SPOILERS:

You use the description "sea of cubicles" twice  in a very short time. It's a good description, but maybe use a different one the second time.

For a contract killer, I must say Poppy is a pretty crummy shot. He's also begging Dane to shoot him later. It works when you first read this, when we think the roles are reversed, but after having read it once and know the twist, the second time around this doesn't seem so believable. Maybe you didn't want us to read it twice.

I did not have a problem with Dane saying he's going to chuck the body out the window. He never does it, just mentions it so it doesn't matter.

Sorry I got hung up on other things, I seem to do that all the time.

Pia,

Thanks for the feedback.  I can see how things would seem different the second time around, although if it worked the first time around, i can deal with that.

I didn't even notice I used sea of cubicles two times in a row.  I'll have to change that.

Thanks for reading.

Hey Mike, you’ve got an entertaining piece here. Good job.

*SPOILERS*

Nice twist at the end, it was interesting to find out how the hunter was supposed to be the prey before he started to kick the sh*t out of Poppy.

Dane’s dialogue lines sounded quite good, although once Poppy is dead and nobody is listening to him, his monologue sounds a bit artificial.

Descriptions were good but I found a couple of lines which could be shortened a bit for a faster read. Like your first line for example: ‘The office interior is a sea of cubicles’
You can start directly with ‘A sea of cubicles’ since ‘interior’ is already implied in the slugline right above (INT) and the same could be said about ‘office’ (OFFICE BUILDING).

Dane is the one introduced holding guns, yet Poppy’s the first to fire a shot. For a clearer read I would suggest to describe right away that Poppy is armed as well.

I second what other readers said about the fake suicide. Although we don’t see Dane disposing the body, it isn’t hard for the reader to assume he will.

After Trevor Poppy is introduced, sometimes he’s referred as ‘Poppy’ and sometimes as ‘Trevor’. It’s better to stick to just one name for a clearer read. ‘Trevor’ looks better for a hitman, by the way.

Pretty interesting read and just in 8 pages. Definitely something to be proud about.

Mr. Z,

Thanks for the read.

After reading through it again, the office interior slug does sound a little redundant.  Thanks for catching that.

When I started the script with Poppy hiding under the desk, I was going to have the gun held close to his face, but I wanted to paint a picture that this guy is just scared shitless, and could possibly be hiding as his only resort.  The sudden, desperate shot would serve as more of a surprise.

I'm having a hard time with the body disposal thing.  I can understand where everyone is coming from, and it's an easy fix, but if I do fix it I want it to be something in that same vein.

Found a Trevor rather then a Poppy.  Incidentally, the line is "Trevor pops".  My sunconscious must have forbidden me to write "Poppy pops".

I probably could have drawn this out a little more, perhaps started earlier, or had the chase go a bit longer, but I think I accomplished everything I wanted to in 8 pages (or 7 if you take out the title page).

Thanks for the read.

Brilliance! Sheer brilliance. Great job. I really liked the twist. And the ending was comic.

Spencer

As usual your dialogues are great, Mike...sometime nonsense...why? Because I can't imagine someone exchanging shots, hunting each othertalking like that like a parrot...but it is you, so no problem at all. You trick very well with the reader, Mike,  with the twist at the end!

Nice job!

By the way change Trevor (at begin of page 2) for Poppy, because you call him all time Poppy, right? So he will be Poppy untill the end!

Spencer and Helio,

Thanks for the feedback, it's always good to see the word brilliance in association with my work.

Helio,

Yeah, sometimes dialgoue gets away, but I like it...lol

I noticed that too when I re-read it, I think I stayed away from it because it would have been "Poppy pops", even though that's correct because I refer to him as Poppy through the whole script.

In the beginning as I reading I was like Poppy is scared, and has slim to no chance so I didn't think the dialogue where he says "You aint never gettin' that easy cheif." was to much brovado, if such a word exsist, for the situation. Even if he ends up the contract killer.

And I was also wondering what I was going to get out of this, for theme, which I thought I was about "living life to the fullest" but it isn't woven into the scritp other than that one part. Therefore the piece you've have written sounds like a sequence missing from a larger script where we have one professional having another hitman running scared and commense track and kill story, e.g. Bourne.

And the debate about the suicide. Agreed it doesn't sound very smart of Dane to attempt such a thing, and actualy lowers what I thought of him as a brilliant killer... You say people are being to logical, maybe, but why would you bring such a thing up in the script, I mean really it doesn't add to the story and is only drawing bad press.

I would suggest ridding of it, or somthin' more clever done to the body.

I think the strongest aspect of the script was the twist, no doubt. You did well.

Quoted from insideman_j And I was also wondering what I was going to get out of this, for theme, which I thought I was about "living life to the fullest" but it isn't woven into the scritp other than that one part. Therefore the piece you've have written sounds like a sequence missing from a larger script where we have one professional having another hitman running scared and commense track and kill story, e.g. Bourne.

Hey, thanks for reading.  I think I commented on everything else you noted, but I don't remember going into this aspect of the script yet.

You're right, this is just a piece of a much larger story, but if I were to extend this at all, I think it would be to a point where the twist is lost.  I did think of some other things I could add to make it longer, but that's all it would do, it wouldn't really add anything to the script, and would be the same "sequence".

Unless of course I kill two birds with one stone and throw Poppy in the incinerator.

Hey Mike,
I would have missed this one if it wasn't SCRIPT OF THE DAY today.  

I'm glad I didn't miss it.



SPOILERS

First let me say that I liked it. It was a good story, and in only 8 pages.
The room with the mouted, stuffed animal heads was a clever little twist. It made me think for a second that maybe Dane was hunting Poppy for a human trophy...
I don't like those stories by the way, and I was happy when the ending proved that is wasn't that kind of script at all.
Clever little script, Mike. Nice twists, and an ending that left me with a smile.
If I was going to make a suggestion about this one, I would suggest that you tighten the dialogue at the end of the script. I'd also chuck the part about throwing the body out the window, and leave the ending with Dane smiling as he looks over Poppy's dead body, and telling the guy on the phone that he could expect a cleaning bill.


Again, nice script  
Cindy

Cindy,

Thanks for the read, and for pointing out that it's today's script o' the day.

Glad you noticed the animal heads, and it started to take you in that direction.  I started to think about something that could still throw the reader for a loop, but then make sense once everything is out in the open.

The whole idea for this script came to fruition based on the twist, and I just wrote everything to get to that point.  I really went into this one blind, but I think it says a lot given its length.

Nobody likes the body dumping part!  Yeah, it's out there and far fetched, and I probably did fall victim to being talky, but I didn't think it was that bad....hahaha

Your choice of where to end it would fit well though.  I'll look into that.

Thanks again.

Mike

I just got through reading this one and I don't think I've ever read anything from you, so it was coming sooner or later.

I don't ever check script of the day so had I never read Cindy's post there I'd probably have never read this script, if t wasn't at the top of the portal page. However, it was and here's a review because of it.

8 pages and I was laughing on site. I knew you wrote some stuff and seem to have a pretty decent following here so I thought --> "surely this has to be better than the 5 and 10 page scripts I've read as of late"

And guess what.......................? It wasn't.  No, I kidd.... I do... I kidd.  It was actually pretty complete for 8 pages. I was impressed by that aspect of it. I didn't feel the story needed to go on after the ending and I was left with pretty much what you gave us. A really good script.

Now, everyone is talking about the twist and that is good. I was thrown off, that's for sure. I think the best aspect of the story was the misdirection in how you started the thing off, myself.

Cause, really, you could've kept the ending but just focused on DANE the whole way and we'd have known he was the lead. However, you gave us this shot of POPPY and established him as someone early on... even with a lack of dialogue for the character I still thought he was the lead "at first" now, of course most would with how you laid the story out... but the best part was basically telling us that we were rooting for the bad guy the whole time.

I like that.

Anyways, all in all a good script. I thought it was a little Pulp Fictiony sometimes.. with the whole monologue bullshit and all, but I liked everything else. The killing and disposing of the body, might need worked on... But, if you ask me, it still works the way it is. Hell, it's an 8 minute short after all.

Baltis~

Hey Balt, thanks for the feedback, and thanks for pointing out the one thing that I hoped would steer people in the direction that you were in right off, opening with Poppy.

I really did think I accomplished an entire story in just these few pages.  Sure, it could have been extended, but doing so wouldn't have brought much to the table really, at least I don't think so.

Thanks for checking it out, and I'll be looking at The Toll shortly.

Mike, this one kept popping to the top of the Portal, so I opened it.

To address what's been addressed already: yes, it was a good twist. I was fooled. I don't really have a problem with the body disposal, although the others are right about the logic factor, and I like the incinerator idea better.

And what really stuck out was the alternation between Trevor and Poppy. The script is short enough to warrant a consistency with the name. If you don't like "Poppy pops", then maybe "Poppy emerges" or something. Dane is always Dane, but Poppy interchanges with Trevor.

Now for what has not been mentioned.

It is never mentioned what kind of gun Poppy has. A six-shooter seems an unlikely choice for a hitman, and it would be a good idea for Poppy to be introduced as having this sort of weapon, so when the six shots ring out, the "reload" line isn't lost on us.

On page 3, you write that Poppy takes a shot in the arm. This is some incomplete description. What are we going to hear BEFORE the shot is taken? "Poppy skatters toward a hall entryway. Dane fires a shot. Poppy takes it in the arm."

In the office, why would Poppy stand behind the desk. I'd be trying to hide under it, personally. Might make refilling the gun easier. Seems odd that he would just stand there.

I guess the "Goodnight, Irene" bit is lost on me.

I get a basic understanding of the relationship with Tommy, but I don't get how he knew. I figure these guys have a rivalry, but if they do, then Dane might have others as well. Also, why would Dane have Tommy's card in his pocket? I might say it would be in Poppy's pocket, but then a hired gun woudln't carry info about his employer. How could we confirm this and yet retain the irony? I think if Dane out the blue just says, "It was Tommy, wasn't it?", Poppy might agree in desperation, or at least indicate that Dane is onto him before the final shot. I think that would give that bit a little more clarity.

Finally, I don't have an issue with him talking to himself at the end. I find it amusing. I admit to talking to myself. People have knocked my stuff when people talk to themselves, but I never have them say anything I wouldn't say to myself. Anyway...

Overall, very good job. It was definitely self-contained and I liked it.

George, thanks for checking it out.

Quoted from George Willson And what really stuck out was the alternation between Trevor and Poppy. The script is short enough to warrant a consistency with the name. If you don't like "Poppy pops", then maybe "Poppy emerges" or something. Dane is always Dane, but Poppy interchanges with Trevor.

I'll have to look at this again.  I only noticed one so I may have missed some.

Quoted from George Willson It is never mentioned what kind of gun Poppy has. A six-shooter seems an unlikely choice for a hitman, and it would be a good idea for Poppy to be introduced as having this sort of weapon, so when the six shots ring out, the "reload" line isn't lost on us. On page 3, you write that Poppy takes a shot in the arm. This is some incomplete description. What are we going to hear BEFORE the shot is taken? "Poppy skatters toward a hall entryway. Dane fires a shot. Poppy takes it in the arm."

I'll attribute all of that to my issues with descriptive writing.  It's still a work in progress, but hopefully it's coming along better.

Quoted from George Willson In the office, why would Poppy stand behind the desk. I'd be trying to hide under it, personally. Might make refilling the gun easier. Seems odd that he would just stand there.

No real explanation for that one, except that he's out of his wits, possibly forgetting what he should be doing.  

Quoted from George Willson I guess the "Goodnight, Irene" bit is lost on me.

It's a line from somewhere else, but I can't remember where exactly, at the moment.

Quoted from George Willson I get a basic understanding of the relationship with Tommy, but I don't get how he knew. I figure these guys have a rivalry, but if they do, then Dane might have others as well. Also, why would Dane have Tommy's card in his pocket? I might say it would be in Poppy's pocket, but then a hired gun woudln't carry info about his employer. How could we confirm this and yet retain the irony? I think if Dane out the blue just says, "It was Tommy, wasn't it?", Poppy might agree in desperation, or at least indicate that Dane is onto him before the final shot. I think that would give that bit a little more clarity.

I think, if anything, I tried to paint Tommy as this guy who's trying to muscle in on Dane's territory to get a portion of his profit intake.  Dane having the card was more along the lines of something he was given during a "friendly" visit, and the calling him directly was just a little hint that he's probably the only one trying to do this to him.

Quoted from George Willson Finally, I don't have an issue with him talking to himself at the end. I find it amusing. I admit to talking to myself. People have knocked my stuff when people talk to themselves, but I never have them say anything I wouldn't say to myself. Anyway... Overall, very good job. It was definitely self-contained and I liked it.

People talk to themselves at some point or another whether they admit it or not.  It's just a fact of life.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks again for taking the time to read it.

Quoted from Shelton People talk to themselves at some point or another whether they admit it or not.  It's just a fact of life.

Most try not to admit it because it has been made out to be taboo. Some people think if they admit to talking to themselves, they are crazy or something. I do think it's strange, however, that a group of writers are finding this practice crazy since we essentially talk to ourselves when we write dialogue.

I agree, you have to be able to talk to yourself to write good dialogue.  You also have to be somewhat schizophrenic in order to get inside your characters, who should be somewhat different.

Talking to yourself is normal.  It's when you start answering yourself that there's a problem.

SPOILERS!






Hey Mike, this is the first script of yours I've read and I felt it a good introduction to your work and style. The script was short, snappy and entertaining. Nice dialogue, I thought Dane was a cool and interesting character, and the reason behind the whole situation was cool and clever.  I like the idea of corporate warfare literrally resorting to violence.

The only thing I felt was a little off was the switching of names when referring to Poppy. I beleive you referred to him as Trevor once or twice.  I think it would be best if you stuck to one name or the other.

Bravo sir ...I'll have to check out some of your other work.

Yohn,

Thanks for the read, and I'm glad you liked it.

I've gone through and fixed the Poppy/Trevor switched, sticking with Poppy since he's pretty much referred to as that through the whole script and I think it works better.

Hey Mike,

Just finished Thrill Of The Hunt and I'm left a little puzzled. Don't get me wrong - I liked it. I just didn't get it - maybe there isn't anything to get, but I kept searching for a point.

I thought the script was well paced, the dialogue was great. Okay, the "The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time"-line was really corny (and I don't care if Jesus himself had said it - it still sounds corny).

Nice twist with making Poppy the hitman and Dane the mark. What I got from the story was that Dane - at one time at least - was a hitman himself, since he admits to having killed a lot. So what is he? Retired or what?

These hitman scripts lacks a little in the background department and this was no exception. I would have liked to have know a little more about why Dane was a target and what kind of business he was running. Mafioso?

A couple of things seemed a little off:

First Dane tells Poppy to quit running but when he catches him he tells Poppy to run. That doesn't really make any sense.

After he shoots Poppy, Dane plans to throw him out of a window to make it look like a suicide. Didn't Dane just turn Poppy into Swiss cheese? I'm pretty sure the police would pick up on that.

Anyhow, liked it.

Keep it up

Cheers
Rob

Rob,

Thanks for reading.  There isn't much to get here other than this script is a classic case of misdirection.  I wanted the reader/viewer to go one way and then pull the rug out from under them.

The corny line, I can see your point, but I used it to give a little bit more to Dane's character.  Sure, he's ruthless, but he's also well read.

I never intended for him to come off as a former hitman or mafia guy.  He's basically just a corporate CEO who's been hassled to pay protection money, and when someone is sent to collect it turns out that he knows how to handle himself.

Telling him to stop running and then to run is his way of screwing with Poppy.

The out the window thing is something that everyone's pointed out.  Whenever I go back to change this I'm probably just going to have him go to the garbage chute/incinerator.

Thanks again.

Hey all,

This was filmed, by the same person that did Sniper's "The Second Draft", actually.  Just thought I'd put it up here for those interested.  Bear in mind the disclaimer about "weapons" use in the school.


Thrill of The Hunt-short film from boostcpa26 on Vimeo.

Congrats, Mike.

Is it me or this one doesn't have credits at the end?

Hi Shelton,

Pretty cool vid and script.  Read the script afterwards.

I thought the script was funny and feel most of it had carried off into the short film.  I thought the replacement of the weapons was a little unusual but it kinda works overall.

Nice read,

All the best,


Javier

p.s.
I was halfway through your pimp juice script and suddenly you updated it with a rewrite.  I'll have to start all over again.  Hopefully I'll finish it and give you some feedback on it.

Hey Guys,

Thanks for looking.

Z,

Correct, there are no credits at the end.  Not sure why, though.

Jayrex,

The gun thing was a little weird at first, but given the reason for it, I just went with it.

Sorry about the Pimp Juice thing, but if it's any consolation, I think you'll be reading an even better version once you start in again.

Thanks again.

Hey Mike,

Sorry, I just saw now that TOTH has been produced. Congrats with that - okay, so no Dennis Haysbert but still. I love that it's in black and white, idunno there's something classy about that.

Anyway, enjoyed it - even without the guns.

Cheers
Rob

Wow I must have missed this short script Mike. But I have to confess I watched the short film instead.

As always your dialouge is natural and very nice and good to hear actors say your lines of dialouge instead of read it on paper. But just like all your scripts I've read, it is way to talky with 80% of the short just talking heads going yap, yap, yap, yap.

OMG those "hand guns" where freaky deaky awesome. I could of have sat here and wathced two mintues of  them shooting the living shit out of each other and the walls with their hands. And the director didn't even have one of the actors put his gun hand to his mouth and blow smoke off his finger tip. What a wasted oppurtunity.

But yeah great film with gorgeous wide screen visuals. Could have cut back a little on the talk.    

Hey Guys,

Thanks for checking it out, glad you enjoyed it.

Tonka,

I can agree with what you're saying, and I think this was written around the same time as some of the other scripts you found to be a little (or a lot) on the talky side.  I think most of my newer work has managed to get away from that though.

hey, just gave this a read!
i really like your descriptions, straight and to the point while still giving off good imagery! on the first page when you mention "roams down an aisle in the sea of cubicles." i didn't really find it necessary to re-use that metaphor, it seemed a bit odd, that might be just me though! I really like how you set this script up, even without listing the genre in your summary, i really didn't know what to expect at first i was expecting some dark secret to be revealed it seemed like a sketchy situation and i thought it was going in the direction of a thriller but your twist at the end was really well done! but overall, this was a clever little short, i'm a fan! i'll have to check out more of your work!

Aside from the twist at the end, Mike, I can't say I was fond of this script.  It was too talky and much of the talking seemed forced to me.  His whisytling, while a nice dramatic characteristic, doesn't work here.  Dane is in the middle of a gun battle and he's telegraphing where he is.  The suspense peaked early on and never grew from there.

I don't quite understand how Dane could be so much like a hitman.  How could he get those skills?  That actually ruined the story for me.

I agree with everyone who saw the video that the gun-thing was pretty cool, though it seemed out of place in this type of type.  Maybe if the rest of the script was a little more surreal, or Matrixy.  I know you had nothing to do with how it was shot, but I had to put it out there.


Phil

Kev,

thanks for checking it out.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I kinda did the limited logline on purpose, because I wanted things to come as even more of a surprise.  I agree the extra cubicle use was redundant.  I fixed that, and a couple other minor things later on and just never bothered to submit a new draft.

Phil,

He got those skills because he was a highly efficient hunter, hence all the animal heads and what not in his office.  He also had to be set up that way, because if he wasn't so efficient, the twist wouldn't make sense.

The whole thing with the "guns" was simply due to regulations at the school.

I feel upset.  You normally enjoy all of my work, wholeheartedly.

I think there would be a big difference between being a game hunter and being a hitman.  For starters, when game hunting, the animals don't shoot back.  And the dual chrome-plated 45's?  Not something a game hunter would use.

You forced the hitman image on Dane to the point where twist at the end (while enjoyable) seemed a little implausible.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I think there would be a big difference between being a game hunter and being a hitman.  For starters, when game hunting, the animals don't shoot back.  And the dual chrome-plated 45's?  Not something a game hunter would use.

There is a difference, but ultimately it's all about the hunt, or the thrill of it.  a dum dum.  As far as the 45s, different jobs require different tools.  I don't thinks it's entirely off base given that he was somewhat expecting it, given his exchange with Tommy.

Quoted from dogglebe You forced the hitman image on Dane to the point where twist at the end (while enjoyable) seemed a little implausible.

But that's the twist.  You're supposed to think he's a hitman.  How can I make you think he's a hitman if I don't portray him as such?

Quoted from Shelton But that's the twist.  You're supposed to think he's a hitman.  How can I make you think he's a hitman if I don't portray him as such?

It may have been overkill.

Casting for the video was bad, for what it's worth.


Phil