hey, just gave this a read!
i really like your descriptions, straight and to the point while still giving off good imagery! on the first page when you mention "roams down an aisle in the sea of cubicles." i didn't really find it necessary to re-use that metaphor, it seemed a bit odd, that might be just me though! I really like how you set this script up, even without listing the genre in your summary, i really didn't know what to expect at first i was expecting some dark secret to be revealed it seemed like a sketchy situation and i thought it was going in the direction of a thriller but your twist at the end was really well done! but overall, this was a clever little short, i'm a fan! i'll have to check out more of your work!

Aside from the twist at the end, Mike, I can't say I was fond of this script.  It was too talky and much of the talking seemed forced to me.  His whisytling, while a nice dramatic characteristic, doesn't work here.  Dane is in the middle of a gun battle and he's telegraphing where he is.  The suspense peaked early on and never grew from there.

I don't quite understand how Dane could be so much like a hitman.  How could he get those skills?  That actually ruined the story for me.

I agree with everyone who saw the video that the gun-thing was pretty cool, though it seemed out of place in this type of type.  Maybe if the rest of the script was a little more surreal, or Matrixy.  I know you had nothing to do with how it was shot, but I had to put it out there.


Phil

Kev,

thanks for checking it out.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I kinda did the limited logline on purpose, because I wanted things to come as even more of a surprise.  I agree the extra cubicle use was redundant.  I fixed that, and a couple other minor things later on and just never bothered to submit a new draft.

Phil,

He got those skills because he was a highly efficient hunter, hence all the animal heads and what not in his office.  He also had to be set up that way, because if he wasn't so efficient, the twist wouldn't make sense.

The whole thing with the "guns" was simply due to regulations at the school.

I feel upset.  You normally enjoy all of my work, wholeheartedly.

I think there would be a big difference between being a game hunter and being a hitman.  For starters, when game hunting, the animals don't shoot back.  And the dual chrome-plated 45's?  Not something a game hunter would use.

You forced the hitman image on Dane to the point where twist at the end (while enjoyable) seemed a little implausible.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I think there would be a big difference between being a game hunter and being a hitman.  For starters, when game hunting, the animals don't shoot back.  And the dual chrome-plated 45's?  Not something a game hunter would use.

There is a difference, but ultimately it's all about the hunt, or the thrill of it.  a dum dum.  As far as the 45s, different jobs require different tools.  I don't thinks it's entirely off base given that he was somewhat expecting it, given his exchange with Tommy.

Quoted from dogglebe You forced the hitman image on Dane to the point where twist at the end (while enjoyable) seemed a little implausible.

But that's the twist.  You're supposed to think he's a hitman.  How can I make you think he's a hitman if I don't portray him as such?

Quoted from Shelton But that's the twist.  You're supposed to think he's a hitman.  How can I make you think he's a hitman if I don't portray him as such?

It may have been overkill.

Casting for the video was bad, for what it's worth.


Phil