Mike, this one kept popping to the top of the Portal, so I opened it.

To address what's been addressed already: yes, it was a good twist. I was fooled. I don't really have a problem with the body disposal, although the others are right about the logic factor, and I like the incinerator idea better.

And what really stuck out was the alternation between Trevor and Poppy. The script is short enough to warrant a consistency with the name. If you don't like "Poppy pops", then maybe "Poppy emerges" or something. Dane is always Dane, but Poppy interchanges with Trevor.

Now for what has not been mentioned.

It is never mentioned what kind of gun Poppy has. A six-shooter seems an unlikely choice for a hitman, and it would be a good idea for Poppy to be introduced as having this sort of weapon, so when the six shots ring out, the "reload" line isn't lost on us.

On page 3, you write that Poppy takes a shot in the arm. This is some incomplete description. What are we going to hear BEFORE the shot is taken? "Poppy skatters toward a hall entryway. Dane fires a shot. Poppy takes it in the arm."

In the office, why would Poppy stand behind the desk. I'd be trying to hide under it, personally. Might make refilling the gun easier. Seems odd that he would just stand there.

I guess the "Goodnight, Irene" bit is lost on me.

I get a basic understanding of the relationship with Tommy, but I don't get how he knew. I figure these guys have a rivalry, but if they do, then Dane might have others as well. Also, why would Dane have Tommy's card in his pocket? I might say it would be in Poppy's pocket, but then a hired gun woudln't carry info about his employer. How could we confirm this and yet retain the irony? I think if Dane out the blue just says, "It was Tommy, wasn't it?", Poppy might agree in desperation, or at least indicate that Dane is onto him before the final shot. I think that would give that bit a little more clarity.

Finally, I don't have an issue with him talking to himself at the end. I find it amusing. I admit to talking to myself. People have knocked my stuff when people talk to themselves, but I never have them say anything I wouldn't say to myself. Anyway...

Overall, very good job. It was definitely self-contained and I liked it.

George, thanks for checking it out.

Quoted from George Willson And what really stuck out was the alternation between Trevor and Poppy. The script is short enough to warrant a consistency with the name. If you don't like "Poppy pops", then maybe "Poppy emerges" or something. Dane is always Dane, but Poppy interchanges with Trevor.

I'll have to look at this again.  I only noticed one so I may have missed some.

Quoted from George Willson It is never mentioned what kind of gun Poppy has. A six-shooter seems an unlikely choice for a hitman, and it would be a good idea for Poppy to be introduced as having this sort of weapon, so when the six shots ring out, the "reload" line isn't lost on us. On page 3, you write that Poppy takes a shot in the arm. This is some incomplete description. What are we going to hear BEFORE the shot is taken? "Poppy skatters toward a hall entryway. Dane fires a shot. Poppy takes it in the arm."

I'll attribute all of that to my issues with descriptive writing.  It's still a work in progress, but hopefully it's coming along better.

Quoted from George Willson In the office, why would Poppy stand behind the desk. I'd be trying to hide under it, personally. Might make refilling the gun easier. Seems odd that he would just stand there.

No real explanation for that one, except that he's out of his wits, possibly forgetting what he should be doing.  

Quoted from George Willson I guess the "Goodnight, Irene" bit is lost on me.

It's a line from somewhere else, but I can't remember where exactly, at the moment.

Quoted from George Willson I get a basic understanding of the relationship with Tommy, but I don't get how he knew. I figure these guys have a rivalry, but if they do, then Dane might have others as well. Also, why would Dane have Tommy's card in his pocket? I might say it would be in Poppy's pocket, but then a hired gun woudln't carry info about his employer. How could we confirm this and yet retain the irony? I think if Dane out the blue just says, "It was Tommy, wasn't it?", Poppy might agree in desperation, or at least indicate that Dane is onto him before the final shot. I think that would give that bit a little more clarity.

I think, if anything, I tried to paint Tommy as this guy who's trying to muscle in on Dane's territory to get a portion of his profit intake.  Dane having the card was more along the lines of something he was given during a "friendly" visit, and the calling him directly was just a little hint that he's probably the only one trying to do this to him.

Quoted from George Willson Finally, I don't have an issue with him talking to himself at the end. I find it amusing. I admit to talking to myself. People have knocked my stuff when people talk to themselves, but I never have them say anything I wouldn't say to myself. Anyway... Overall, very good job. It was definitely self-contained and I liked it.

People talk to themselves at some point or another whether they admit it or not.  It's just a fact of life.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks again for taking the time to read it.

Quoted from Shelton People talk to themselves at some point or another whether they admit it or not.  It's just a fact of life.

Most try not to admit it because it has been made out to be taboo. Some people think if they admit to talking to themselves, they are crazy or something. I do think it's strange, however, that a group of writers are finding this practice crazy since we essentially talk to ourselves when we write dialogue.

I agree, you have to be able to talk to yourself to write good dialogue.  You also have to be somewhat schizophrenic in order to get inside your characters, who should be somewhat different.

Talking to yourself is normal.  It's when you start answering yourself that there's a problem.

SPOILERS!






Hey Mike, this is the first script of yours I've read and I felt it a good introduction to your work and style. The script was short, snappy and entertaining. Nice dialogue, I thought Dane was a cool and interesting character, and the reason behind the whole situation was cool and clever.  I like the idea of corporate warfare literrally resorting to violence.

The only thing I felt was a little off was the switching of names when referring to Poppy. I beleive you referred to him as Trevor once or twice.  I think it would be best if you stuck to one name or the other.

Bravo sir ...I'll have to check out some of your other work.

Yohn,

Thanks for the read, and I'm glad you liked it.

I've gone through and fixed the Poppy/Trevor switched, sticking with Poppy since he's pretty much referred to as that through the whole script and I think it works better.

Hey Mike,

Just finished Thrill Of The Hunt and I'm left a little puzzled. Don't get me wrong - I liked it. I just didn't get it - maybe there isn't anything to get, but I kept searching for a point.

I thought the script was well paced, the dialogue was great. Okay, the "The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time"-line was really corny (and I don't care if Jesus himself had said it - it still sounds corny).

Nice twist with making Poppy the hitman and Dane the mark. What I got from the story was that Dane - at one time at least - was a hitman himself, since he admits to having killed a lot. So what is he? Retired or what?

These hitman scripts lacks a little in the background department and this was no exception. I would have liked to have know a little more about why Dane was a target and what kind of business he was running. Mafioso?

A couple of things seemed a little off:

First Dane tells Poppy to quit running but when he catches him he tells Poppy to run. That doesn't really make any sense.

After he shoots Poppy, Dane plans to throw him out of a window to make it look like a suicide. Didn't Dane just turn Poppy into Swiss cheese? I'm pretty sure the police would pick up on that.

Anyhow, liked it.

Keep it up

Cheers
Rob

Rob,

Thanks for reading.  There isn't much to get here other than this script is a classic case of misdirection.  I wanted the reader/viewer to go one way and then pull the rug out from under them.

The corny line, I can see your point, but I used it to give a little bit more to Dane's character.  Sure, he's ruthless, but he's also well read.

I never intended for him to come off as a former hitman or mafia guy.  He's basically just a corporate CEO who's been hassled to pay protection money, and when someone is sent to collect it turns out that he knows how to handle himself.

Telling him to stop running and then to run is his way of screwing with Poppy.

The out the window thing is something that everyone's pointed out.  Whenever I go back to change this I'm probably just going to have him go to the garbage chute/incinerator.

Thanks again.

Hey all,

This was filmed, by the same person that did Sniper's "The Second Draft", actually.  Just thought I'd put it up here for those interested.  Bear in mind the disclaimer about "weapons" use in the school.


Thrill of The Hunt-short film from boostcpa26 on Vimeo.

Congrats, Mike.

Is it me or this one doesn't have credits at the end?

Hi Shelton,

Pretty cool vid and script.  Read the script afterwards.

I thought the script was funny and feel most of it had carried off into the short film.  I thought the replacement of the weapons was a little unusual but it kinda works overall.

Nice read,

All the best,


Javier

p.s.
I was halfway through your pimp juice script and suddenly you updated it with a rewrite.  I'll have to start all over again.  Hopefully I'll finish it and give you some feedback on it.

Hey Guys,

Thanks for looking.

Z,

Correct, there are no credits at the end.  Not sure why, though.

Jayrex,

The gun thing was a little weird at first, but given the reason for it, I just went with it.

Sorry about the Pimp Juice thing, but if it's any consolation, I think you'll be reading an even better version once you start in again.

Thanks again.

Hey Mike,

Sorry, I just saw now that TOTH has been produced. Congrats with that - okay, so no Dennis Haysbert but still. I love that it's in black and white, idunno there's something classy about that.

Anyway, enjoyed it - even without the guns.

Cheers
Rob

Wow I must have missed this short script Mike. But I have to confess I watched the short film instead.

As always your dialouge is natural and very nice and good to hear actors say your lines of dialouge instead of read it on paper. But just like all your scripts I've read, it is way to talky with 80% of the short just talking heads going yap, yap, yap, yap.

OMG those "hand guns" where freaky deaky awesome. I could of have sat here and wathced two mintues of  them shooting the living shit out of each other and the walls with their hands. And the director didn't even have one of the actors put his gun hand to his mouth and blow smoke off his finger tip. What a wasted oppurtunity.

But yeah great film with gorgeous wide screen visuals. Could have cut back a little on the talk.    

Hey Guys,

Thanks for checking it out, glad you enjoyed it.

Tonka,

I can agree with what you're saying, and I think this was written around the same time as some of the other scripts you found to be a little (or a lot) on the talky side.  I think most of my newer work has managed to get away from that though.