The Daring Risk of Standing by Mike Carlone (marshallamps123) - Short, Drama - Walt Tunit wants to leave the family barbecue, while struggling with himself at the same time.     A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry - html, format

Arr, that was lovely story. Wasn't expecting that after the other 7 or so scripts I've already read about murderers, death, heart attacks and just some pretty gory, sick, disturbing stuff soooo... it was a nice script to end on until tomorrow.

Obviously, I'm not too sure who wrote this... I'm gonna go for a (sorry if this offends anyone especially the writer) but maybe a female wrote this? No...? Yes...?

The reason I say that is because it was such a nice story. Most of the guy stories around here are blood, guts, death and cursing. Still, I'm not saying men aren't capable... okay, I'll stop about genders and what not... onto the story!

Again, it was a lovely tale that I fully enjoyed. The dialogue was the strongest point obviously and it was very well written. I was fully focused whilst reading this script and imagining every moment in my head like a film. So that's saying something good.

A very nice script indeed. A happy, happy story. Great job!

GBM

Quoted from Parker The reason I say that is because it was such a nice story. Most of the guy stories around here are blood, guts, death and cursing. Still, I'm not saying men aren't capable... okay, I'll stop about genders and what not... onto the story! GBM

LOL...UM, you should check out some of the lady writers here, they probably come up with some of the most shocking twisted scripts on this site.

This was a cute script, a lot lighter than some of the others but it also didn't go into the kinda comedy that some did, it's more in between.

this was a nice easy read, nothing offensive, nothing mean, but also not a lot happens, but I do think it worked so good job

A good effort but this one didn't quite work for me.  There's something missing.  As I replay the story-arc in my mind the pieces don't seem to all be there.

Walt does eventually find enlightenment, so to speak, after some soul-searching but what's the triggering mechanism?  This needs to be better defined, I think.

I will say this though - this is the first script I know of that made use of ant splatter as a conversation piece.  

Hmm...an html story that is super-heavy on the dialogue.  A handful of readers around here may recognize this author if my suspicions are correct.

Walt has a very simple arc in this story, and I think he follows this arc in a very believable fashion, as he finally locates his moment of inertia.

I love how his main argument against change is the fact that he has found a comfortable chair at the party.  Many times I have found just such a chair.

The title -- though unusual -- is apt.

Not my favorite of these stories.  A bit talky for my tastes.  But not too bad, either.  It is a simple story -- simply told -- by an author with a good ear for dialogue.

I liked this story alot because it was realistic - probably the most realistic of the bunch, actually.  Truly a nice story you have here.  No violence, no cursing, no heartbreak, but it is a drama.  Probably the lightest drama of the bunch which leaves you in a good mood.

There's not much to complain about.  Some may not like the fact that this is heavy on dialogue but I found it to be very enjoyable and well written.  See, I was waiting for something bad to happen at the end, like Angela was hired by Jimmy to play Walt or something, or after Walt finds enlightment a car runs him over.  I don't know.  Something out there.

But this was a very heartfelt story and I enjoyed it very much.  Very nice work!

I don't think if I liked or not this piece. I'm very puzzeled.

Look, whoever you are. It is not you fault it is my crazy mind, but I have to agree with Walt about family barbecues: all time is chat-chat , but do what?

Forgive me about that, maybe later after to read those dozens of challenge scripts I will change my feeling about it.

This one was okay, nothing special. It was a bit dull on story and a bit boring with dialogue.

The biggest problem is that there’s nothing to care about and no reason to bother. The main character Walt is depressed but not dangerously so. He’s a boring guy with no charisma. He’s very shy but not paralyzed completely by it. He eventually gets up with very little motivation. He’s shy about girls but offers no traits to interest a girl. He’s a weak person of both mind and body and comes off almost as a spoiled whiner - a turnoff for any girl.

I mean, he’s okay. He’s just so, well, mediocre. So is the writing. It’s not particularly bad. It’s just not anything at all. It’s so average and dull that the reader is never provoked to any more emotion than the dull main character. It’s just mostly chatty drivel that eventually winds up nowhere. So he finally talks to a girl. And they go on an “adventure” -- which, for this main character, consists of driving around. Nothing wrong with driving around but it’s hardly a reversal of his former self or any catharsis for his character.

In fact, the story and main character share the same fundamental traits - boring and mediocre.

This was pretty much a "talking heads" movie. Which isn't always bad, though for those to work you really have to have something interesting to tell.

I felt that the dialogue seemed pretty natural,Yet I hoped that it would lead to some kind of realization for Walt. I don't think it did.

I agree with Breane in that there isn't anything to care about.

An opportunity for Uncle Jimmy's dialogue to really shine was missed in my opinion. He could have been the wise old uncle who imparts wisdom on his young nephew. Instead his words seemed only reactionary.

I also had a little problem with Angela noticing the ant speck on his hand.I just don't think it would have been noticed, or attention brought to it. They were at a bar-b-que right?

With a whole lot of character building and an interesting problem for them to deal with you might of had something here. The writing style shows promise and I'm speaking to how natural the dialogue flowed. It just went nowhere fast.

Good effort though. It is hard to write for one of these OWE things, so I commend you for entering.

-kotton

Well, that was rather simple. I did catch the drama in it with Walt making his big decision. A couple oddities, though. Angela's been coming to these parties for a long time...why didn't Walt know her? Oh, and ant blood? That was just...weird.

You missed a typo: "Hate's a strong word", not work.

In the end, it was just simplicity at its best. A slice of life story. Good job. The only improvement I can see would be reaching for a bit of backstory for Jimmy and Walt. Their lives seem to begin with the story.

Everyone elses comments before me are probably correct and truthful, but I have to say that the dialogue was top notch. Felt very natural.

I never really had a feel for a BBQ or where this story was going. All I'm going to say is that somehow I felt pretty good afterwards. Can't really explain why, but I did, so Good job!

A few typos, but other than that, nice format as well.

A simple story with a simple ending. My only complaint with the script is that dialogue was the life of the story. Personally, I would have liked to have my reading be moved along by action. That's okay though to have a couple sitting in chairs talking.
It was sweet, but not much going on. That's okay, too, I guess. A lot of family bar-be-ques are that way. so...

Good job with the challenge,
Cindy

This was a good little romantic short. The dialogue, in my opinion, was a little iffy in some points, but it was still well written. The story was good, and I enjoyed it a lot.

I laughed when Walt said he accidentally squashed an ant, and felt guilty about it afterwards.

Good job.

Sean

While I thought the story, itself, was nice and realistic, I thought it was dragged out.  The length probably could've been cut in half.  And I found the lack of any action to be distracting.  Even though Jimmy and Walt are just talking, you have to describe them doing something, even if it's something as insignificant as drinking a soda.  Break up the dialogue.


Phil

I liked this one. I enjoyed its dosile tone for one. No death and depravity. I think a romantic plotline works much better in the context of a family barbeque. The story was simple but interesting enough. Basically a guy trying to talk to a girl. The characters were likeable as well and relatively well-developed. I did, however, think the story was a little too repetative. Almost every conversation (even the ant killing) was reiterated later on. I thought this was unneccesary. All it served to do was slow down your story.

Other than that, I thought this was a well-written dramatic piece and one of the most secure in the guidelines of the challenge as well. Good job.

I read this piece to the end, so it held me enough to want to know what happens, and I liked it. However, on finishing, I felt it needed an angle to give it some depth. Perhaps Walt has lost his confidence, he's been through something which has stagnated him a little, could be a car accident - so he's a little shaky on his feet - could be the loss of a friend. To me, it would add depth and poignance creating a stronger emotional involvement with not only Walt but the relationship between the other characters.

On a lighter note, I'm not sure the title works, it feels a little forced and doesn't really flow with the two, "-ings close together. Perhaps just, "The Risk of Standing".

Cheers,

Carl

Well, I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to read and review my script. I really appreciate it. For the most part, I'm pretty happy about what others think about this script. Sorry for not putting zombie pigs in my script. :p

There's something I'd like to clear up about the script, though. People have commented on certain aspects about the script that they didn't seem to like. So, I'm just going to give an in-depth post about what a lot of the stuff in the screenplay means and just kind of clear up some things. I hope it helps if anyone was confused.

This story is obviously about Walt. His external conflict is that he just doesn't want to be at the barbecue. He wants to get out of there but he knows his parents would get angry at him if he left, because that is considered rude. Walt's uncle, who is hosting the get-together, doesn't mind at all that Walt wants to leave because he can understand how he feels and he even offers to tell a lie to Walt's parents to help him leave. Even though he basically has a free pass to leave, Walt still turns down his uncle's offer.

There's 2 reasons why he doesn't want to leave, as he said: He'd feel guilty and that he doesn't want to get out of his chair.

Even though Walt knows that he won't get in trouble if he leaves, he still won't leave because he knows he'll still feel guilty. His uncle laughs it off and is perplexed at Walt's way of thinking. Walt then mentions how he killed an ant and that he felt guilty about it. He knows that there's many, many ants out there, but he still feels guilty. Literally and metaphorically, the blood of the ant is still on his hands. However, the whole thing with the ant is a metaphor in itself.

Right after Walt and Jimmy (his uncle) talk about the ant, the next thing they talk about is Walt's ex-girlfriend. By the dialogue, you know that they broke up 5 months, but when they first start talking about it, Walt acts like it just happened. He's still waiting for her to call. He doesn't realize that he needs to move on. His uncle does realize this. If you go back to their conversation about the ant, Walt says: "Besides, I don’t think that kind of attached feeling can just go away that fast for me, even if it is just an ant." What at first appears to be just about a dead ant, is actually even more about Walt's love life (or lack of). The blood that is on his hands throughout the story represents not only his guilt, but also the idea that he can't let go of his ex-girlfriend. If you notice, it's said more than once in the script that girl's don't like that kind of thing. While I'm sure girls probably don't like blood, it's really about how girls don't want to be with a guy who is still stuck on his ex-girlfriend.

When Walt finally convinces himself to atleast try and pursue a new girl, he finally takes a bottle of water and washes the blood off his hands. At that time, the clouds also open up to sunshine, which is a pretty obvious metaphor. Earlier in the script, when Walt still has the problems talked about earlier, the sky is cloudy and it looks like it's going to rain. At that point, Jimmy says that "Sometimes, the Gods make it rain at just the right time and sometimes at just the wrong time." This may seem like a little bit of an odd thing to say, but it is relevant and I'll get to that later.

The other reason Walt says he can't leave the barbecue is because he doesn't want to leave his chair. I think this, just like the cloudy/clear skies, is a pretty obvious symbol of him not wanting to change his life. He says he's comfortable where he is, in his chair. At this point he thinks he's comfortable with his life as well. He hasn't fully realized that he needs to get over his ex-girlfriend. When he finally changes, he finally gets up from the chair.

Now back to the line Jimmy says about the Gods making it rain. There is a point to this as there's a tiny little bit of a biblical thing going on here. Walt needed something (whether he realized it or not) to help him move on with his life. He needed some kind of saving grace because the way he was heading wasn't healthy or good for him at all. The girl he meets is his saving grace. Her name, fittingly, is Angela. My intention wasn't to make her a Deus Ex Machina, which I don't think she was in the script. I think she fit fine in it. However, in a way, she is. Deus Ex Machina litterally means "god from a machine". It's a being used to solve a problem that wouldn't have been solved otherwise. She seems almost overly interested in Walt. Why would she be attracted to him? I purposely wrote it to seem like she almost had the goal of meeting and befriending (or maybe more) Walt the whole time. So, in a way, to Walt, she was sent from a god. We never find out why she was interested, all we know is that she is interested. Maybe she was convinced to talk Walt by his cousin or perhaps by the uncle. I purposely kind of wanted to keep that element out of it to add to the biblical idea. Before she talks to Walt, I mention that Jimmy says a few things to her. This could definitely be interepreted as showing that Jimmy and Angela had some kind of agreement beforehand. There is no answer, though. I wanted to keep it ambigious.

The ending scene where Walt and Angela drive away should conclude the story nicely, though I'm sure some disagree. She asks him if they want to go to a place he knows, like a favorite fast food restaurant, but he declines. Those fast food restaurants are representative of his past and him declining shows that he no longer wants to do the same things over (like being hung up over his ex-girlfriend) and he wants to experience something new in his life. He just wants to drive around and they'll find something to do that way. Those places they find will be the new things he likes to do, replacing his old favorites, thus showing he is over his ex-girlfriend completely and that he wants a relationship of some sort with Angela. And of course, the last thing they say is that Angela thanks Walt for washing the ant's blood off of his hands (he's let his past relationships go completely) and Walt responds by saying that it isn't part of his new style anyway (the life he wants now, with Angela, or so he hopes).

And that's it. Walt is able to leave the party, and as he does, it shows he's gotten rid of that unneccesary guilt-problem and his problem concerning not being able to let go of his ex-girlfriend. I hope whoever read this enjoyed it. It's a bit on the lengthy side, I know, but I think it's pretty informative.
  

Thanks for that, it does give more insight into the script and a deeper understanding of Walts journey. However, while the subtext is clear to you, it is not apparent to the viewer/reader - and I read the piece twice - it would only take a couple of keys to change that. Also, while you understand and know the subtext, unless the reader/viewer can take something away from it, then it's dead art.

Do you not think that you have become so wrapped in metaphor that you are afraid to write something that you may consider a little obvious but would assist a viewer in truly accessing the piece. Sometimes people need a clue as to what you are trying to express. It's just a little confusing, the ant and the girlfriend, perhaps a more informing metaphor maybe? Perhaps using a food metaphor, you talked about fast food, burgers etc, maybe, as opposed to using an ant use a burger/steak/chicken wing, which would tie in well with the theme. I'm not saying Walt should kill a burger, but there must be an appropriate image to be drawn from food to reflect his sentiment. Maybe the Uncle could suggest it was time Walt laid off the burgers for a while and tried some chicken wings, who knows.

All that said, I like it, and I appreciate the explaination, it's always interesting to hear the authors thoughts on their work. I think it sits well as a short and wouldn't feel forced into its screentime. this is something I'd like to watch.

Thanks,

Carl

Not bad, not bad. While your characters talk about trivial things (leaving or not leaving, the ant, etc) it's clear that their lines are methaporically connected to something bigger: the protagonist's flaw, and his character arc.

I wouldn't count on the reader to get as much of this short as you intend (I also read your explanation) but on a basic level I would say this works.

I clearly understood what was the ant supposed to mean, but to tell you the truth, making your protagonist to feel guilty because he accidentally killed an ant seems like something quite silly to carry the theme of your story. I strongly recommend to find something else.

My main beef with the script is that it dragged a bit. It's too heavy on dialogue. As a screenwriter you should find ways to tell your story visually.

Your protagonist said exactly what he felt, his dialogue was too on the nose. Maybe you can get away with this when he talks with his uncle; he trusts him. But then, when talking to a total stranger (and a female) he keeps spilling out his feelings.

You nailed the genre and theme pretty well with a story that stays away from the dark and depressing feeling from other entries. Good job on that.

I think this one needs work, but it wasn't bad at all.

Quoted from Carl Thanks for that, it does give more insight into the script and a deeper understanding of Walts journey. However, while the subtext is clear to you, it is not apparent to the viewer/reader - and I read the piece twice - it would only take a couple of keys to change that. Also, while you understand and know the subtext, unless the reader/viewer can take something away from it, then it's dead art.

The subtext seems fine to me. Mr.Z seemed to understand it. Maybe it's just you. Or maybe you're right. I'll wait to see what others say. I'd hardly call it dead art if no one else can figure out the subtext, they'll just have to look harder.

Quoted Text Do you not think that you have become so wrapped in metaphor that you are afraid to write something that you may consider a little obvious but would assist a viewer in truly accessing the piece.

I don't really understand what that means. Is that suppposed to be an insult?

Quoted Text Sometimes people need a clue as to what you are trying to express. It's just a little confusing, the ant and the girlfriend, perhaps a more informing metaphor maybe? Perhaps using a food metaphor, you talked about fast food, burgers etc, maybe, as opposed to using an ant use a burger/steak/chicken wing, which would tie in well with the theme. I'm not saying Walt should kill a burger, but there must be an appropriate image to be drawn from food to reflect his sentiment. Maybe the Uncle could suggest it was time Walt laid off the burgers for a while and tried some chicken wings, who knows.

Not a bad suggestion. Instead of blood on his hands, it can be something like ketchup. It would tie in with the barbecue theme. I chose the ant because it's so random that the reader should get a clue that obviously what they're talking about means more than just ant's blood.

Quoted Text All that said, I like it, and I appreciate the explaination, it's always interesting to hear the authors thoughts on their work. I think it sits well as a short and wouldn't feel forced into its screentime. this is something I'd like to watch.

Cool. Thank you for reading it and giving me feedback

Quoted from Mr.Z I clearly understood what was the ant supposed to mean, but to tell you the truth, making your protagonist to feel guilty because he accidentally killed an ant seems like something quite silly to carry the theme of your story. I strongly recommend to find something else.

I understand where you're coming from with this. The ant is just an example of how he can feel guilty over many things, but it is definitely weird.

Quoted Text My main beef with the script is that it dragged a bit. It's too heavy on dialogue. As a screenwriter you should find ways to tell your story visually.

Yeah, I'm a very dialogue-driven story writer, but I understand what you're saying. I didn't put a lot of action in this story because I think it would feel like filler considering the page length limit. I don't want to just put something like "they take a sip of their drinks" in the middle of a conversation just so the script isn't all dialogue. I usually put more actions and descriptions in my scripts, though still remaining dialogue-driven, I just went for a different style this time.

Quoted Text Your protagonist said exactly what he felt, his dialogue was too on the nose. Maybe you can get away with this when he talks with his uncle; he trusts him. But then, when talking to a total stranger (and a female) he keeps spilling out his feelings.

Good point. The dialogue between Walt and Angela is a bit too "close" considering they just met.

Quoted Text You nailed the genre and theme pretty well with a story that stays away from the dark and depressing feeling from other entries. Good job on that.

Thanks. I was actually expecting the majority of the scripts to be drama, but a lot of them were either comedies or horror or some mix.

Quoted Text I think this one needs work, but it wasn't bad at all.

I don't plan on rewriting this one because I wrote it specifically for the one week challenge and I'd like to leave it as it is.

Thank you for responding.

Quoted from marshallamps12 I don't want to just put something like "they take a sip of their drinks" in the middle of a conversation just so the script isn't all dialogue.

I agree. You don't need this. That kind of useless actions could be needed to break up big monologues, and make the page look more friendly to the reader's eye; not your case.

I was referring to dramatic action. Actions that move your story forward or reveal character. You need more of these, and you need to emphasize more the ones you have.

I'll provide just an example to ilustrate my point. One of the most important actions your character does is getting up of that chair; quite a relevant decision for him in this particular story. Before he does, we already know he will. Why? Because he already thanked his Uncle and his dialogue lines reveal he has been convinced.

Work on these dialogue lines so they leave the reader wondering what is the protagonist going to do. Will he let go of his troubles? Will he go for the girl? And without a word he stands up. There. We can understand his inner change by just watching a simple action. Visuals are always more powerful than words, no matter the genre. When it is possible, let the visuals carry your story.

Oh, I gotcha. Those are very good points, actually! That's good advice to have for future scripts that I write. Thanks for the feedback.

Love the dialogue. That's the long and short of it.

I won't hold forth on what everybody have already said. There good dialogs for a nice piece of life. Anyway, IMO, Walt's lines are maybe a little bit mature for someone of his age.

Good job

Michel