CAB'S TALE - SHE SCREWED HIM UP (WITH SPOILERS)

First off, let me definitely say that I liked some of your lines very much.  Especially:

"Abhaya's eye srolls up and down, like a dollar slot machine in Vegas" and
"A large smile shows that Abhaya has just found heaven.  He still seems to be there."

Nice touches, with a good play of words.  ))

Obviously, there are translation issues with the English in the script - but overall very good (I know I can't write worth a darn in any language other than English, myself.  Parlez vous Francais doesn't count.)  That aside, I do have a few small issues with the script.  (With the understanding that this is a lighthearted twilight zone piece, so most of it is forgiveable...)

1)  While I like how the woman kept changing Abhaya's name...Gandhi, Shyamalan (that one is especially good), Sabu, etc...I kinda question how he could take the insult, and still want to get, er, serviced by her.  (Then again, maybe that's a guy thing...!)

2) You might want to mention that Abhaya tiilts the rearview mirror.  Otherwise, I doubt he (or the reader) would be able to see...um...the lower explorations that you mention...!

3) I think the ending needs to be a little more eerie, with a less "direct" way of revealing that they're both ghosts...  Surely, the ghost of the husband wouldn't be actually aware that they were both already dead.  Wouldn't they still be "stuck in the moment...?"  Maybe Abhaya could find out some other way after the fact - through the news, radio, etc.  Or perhaps the woman leaves some artifact in the cab which leads to an old news report, etc...?  Nor would the husband have to explicitly state that he killed her.  Him rushing out of the cab with a gun in hand would be obvious enough.  

Just a few thoughts.  But thanks - it was an enjoyable read.  

CAB'S TALE: EXTREME BAGGAGE (WITH SPOILERS)

Not much to say.  I liked it - the story was very well written, flowed well...and the dialogue was natural.  Might have been a *little bit* better if the reveal happened later on, after she starts to actually seduce him on the beach, with him already handcuffed...and THEN he finds out, when already in a compromised, vulnerable situation.  (Perhaps he realizes that there's blood on her coat...maybe even makes a comment about it being 'that time of month'...and then realizing that he's oh so very wrong....  Just a (wicked) thought...)

But definitely well written.  Kudos.  

-Janet (Wonkavite)

hello helio:

i'm new to this site.  anyways... your logline caught my att'n.  however, while reading, it was difficult for me to reach the signifigane of your story.  were these men spanish-american or the dyslexic-mentally-impaired?  i couldn't understand what they were saying with the overtly-contrived, broken English.

i don't want to sound sarcasitic, i know how these things aren't tone sensitive.  it's just a matter of being straight foward and to-the-point.

i would be thrilled to read another, as I am sure this was an experimental.

james

Hi, James, well, first of all I don't know whish one you are reffering about. So please let me know, okay?

Anyway thanks for your reading, dude!

Oh I forgot to say thanks a lot to Janet for the brilhant reviews! Thanks so much, dear!

Hey Pia,

I just listened to your iScript of Extreme Baggage, and I must say, Bravo!

I haven't read the script, but I really liked the iScript.
It was gritty, and had a real feel to it like it could be made here in Detroit.  
Great job!
I liked how the tables were turned on the driver... What a jerk, as is any person who would cheat on someone.
You had me smiling with this one, Pia.

Cindy

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for "listening" to Extreme Baggage. Of the iScripts I have, I'm the least fond of this one. I feel that the girl reading missed the tone of the script. Personaly I feel this one reads better than it does listening to.

Maybe I should try to film this one in Detroit.  

I did hear from a few people that read this when it first was posted, but they didn't want to post their comments on the boards because they were negative. Women killing men does play well with everyone I guess. Haha.

Thanks Cindy,

Pia

This Pia's pearl is one of masterpieces of SHORT section!