Hey Kevan, thanks for the review. It is part of a project that including more stories that soon (this week yet) will be posted here in Short.

Sometimes I think I'm choking people with scenes of sex, but my intention isn't that. What I realy want is to tell original stories, mixing fantasy and reality and the result of this mixing continue to be FANTASY. Movie is not just intertainment and I know that it is also a way to tell something beyond that.

Thanks anyaway for the reading!

Hey Michel, mon ami. Nice story here. I loved Noralee! You builded up very well the cab's driver Noralee that should fit well on Queen Latifah skin! I don't no whether the title without God (He forgives me for it) was better that with It...Thanks to be part of this project, ami. Arrevoi and I hope the others like you cab's tale too!

Michel,

I think the story you have here is very nice. I did have some problem with the execution of the story however and I hope that you do not take the following personally.

I know you are from France, so that's probably where the problems come from. Not France of course, but the fact that your carachterization of Noralee doesn't ring true to an American. Now, I'm perfectly willing to listen to someone telling me I'm wrong. It wouldn't be the first time. It's also possible that I live in a completely different world than Noralee, geographically and socially and therefore have no clue. My problem is that you have conflicting carachteristics of her. Don't take me wrong, I like different and quirky characters, but Noralee's are just too odd to be believable to me.

Let's start with the way she speaks, like I said, I don't live in NYC and I'm not black so I could be wrong, but some of the words you chose for her are just not your average black female speach. I know you said somewhere that you were going to look into black slang or something like that. I don't think that worked. I wouldn't attempt to write dialogue for a muslim in the slums of France. Sure I can research it, but you would probably be able to tell that it was written by someone who doesn't really live in France and know the lingo. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here so that you don't take this to harshly.

I also find it hard to believe that Noralee, who seems brazen, foul mouthed and hates Christmas (a lot of black women are actually very religious, especially older ones) refuses to pick up a ride at night because the couple are drunk. If she was religous or of high morals or principles, maybe, but not the way you have her described right now.

I also felt a slight feeling of being offended at your descriptions, black fat woman and Chinese-type guy. I know that's what they are, but the tone is somewhat condescending. Heavy set for example would have sounded better and Oriental, Asian or Chinese looking guy as well.

Like I said, don't take this review too hard. The story itself is nice and I'm only trying to help you making it better by making Noralee more believable to us who live here and deal with black folks on a daily basis. NYC or not.    

Pia  

Michel -- Congrats on taking up Helio's challenge to write for the Cab's Tales.

I agree with Pia. She points out some things that make sense. For me your story was very hard to follow. Could have just been because of the language barrier. Great effort and I look forward to reading more of your stories soon. I sure hope you will write for Helio's upcoming Xmas Tales.

Spencer

Helio,
I missed this one somehow. Must have been around the time that the OWC came out. I'm glad I found it though. I like stories like this. Nice story helio.

I chuckled when I read your seductress in action. I liked the little pet names she gave him, and the way she acted. Good job.

When the guy yelled for him to stop and told him it was his wife, I was like uh oh this cabbie is going to get shot for sure. Then when he said she was dead, I thought he was just chasing her ghost. To my surprise he was dead, too.

Nice Helio. I think I'd have to say this is my favorite script of yours.

Cindy


Michel,

I thought your story was good as well.
I agree with Pia though on the dialogue, but the story was good. I think her character needs a little work though.
I liked the final image of the angel watching over her, and the matching feather in the back seat. That was pretty neat.  

Cindy

Helio,

I read this one when it first came up and I honestly thought I had already posted a comment.

Despite being a little graphic in your descriptions, I think the story was really good.

This is the quirky, original ideas Helio that I like.

I thought you did great describing Abhaya and followed through to match his V.O and dialogue with his actions.

The story itself is not a comedy, but the way you told it had me laughing.

Very nice!

Pia  

Hi everyone,

sorry for the delay, but I was a bit busy.

Concerning the dialogs. In fact, it's not black slang Noralee's speaking but cab drivers' slang. I did some researches in the Net and thought I would be nearer the reality of the taxi drivers' world.

About the fact, she refuses drunk people in her cab, drivers are allowed to do it.

About my descriptions, (black fat woman and Chinese-type guy) I never wanted to be condescending. Clumsy, no doubt, but never condescending. I don't think I am.

Noralee is a rough jewel. As Kevan said "she says some funny things and most of the time she does't realize she is saying them". And I did pay homage to my favorite movie ever "It's a Wonderful Life". It's true I like Angels' stories.

The title is a (bad?) joke name reagarding "The Godfather".

Helio is right, Queen Latifah inspired me.

Pia, don't worry. I did understand what you meant and I didn't take it harshly. I need these kind of things to improve my style. You might know that I wrote this script in a few days after Helio's request and I could have done better (I hope) if I had more time.

Anyway, it's done now.

Spencer and Cindy, thank you for your comments. It touched me.

Michel

Hey Cindy, thanks a lot for your reading. Frankly I love to give him the pet names -ha-ha. This makes me feel devilish. Okay, I know my character will try to get revange from me! Anyway thanks for your kind words.

Pia, I'm feeling flaterred... You did more than one review on my scripts - ha-ha! Thanks and remember next time review it again!!!

just in time: welcome mon ami Michel!

Hey Zingo, thank you for to participate on Cab's Tale, dude! Nice piece your. Well written story with amazing end. It was nice reading. I don't know, but I thought that the sensual parts of the script remainded my stories, dude. Oh, of course your was better written than mine.

I know lot of Raymonds and they realy continue to take their rings off, but most of them will be regreted when their wives would do the same with them! Haha!

Congrats!

Zingo

Great tale! You are the bomb when it comes to telling great stories. I could learn so much from you. As I read I kind of thought you might end the story a different way and you surprised me by ending it just how it should have ended. Keep up the great story telling and i will keep reading all of Zingo's great tales.

Spencer

Helio,

I read your 'Speak Slowly Please' episode.  I thought the characterization was much better than in 'She screwed him up', especially in the beginning.  I liked the well developed Cockneyed cab driver.  Very believable.  I heard Alan Rickman's voice in my head delivering the lines in his sort of 'slurred' speech.

I don't know how to say this, but I felt that the buildup was not very strong.  There's got to be something more intrinsic to Brazilian culture than Brazilian soccer players names.  I hate soccer with a passion and I still know who Ronaldo and Ronaldinho are.

So, was Roberto really Brazilian or was he lying?  Should the audience know the answer to add suspense?

-Bob

Too Much Tail:

Hey Spencer,

Your writing is getting really good. I definitely enjoy your descriptions. Short, but descriptive and to the point.

SPOILERS:

I like how you bring home the point of them being fat by using words that has to do with big, large or fat things in other areas of the script than just the women’s immediate descriptions. Subconsciously that works great for the overall impression.

I also like the little details you add that makes things extra funny, for example:

exposing his comb over
one hundred and one dollar
secret sauce

The way you describe the car’s “suffering” is funny and great too.

Kind of sad how Sarah feels so bad after gorging herself, probably true though.

I think you did a really nice job on this. You’ve got funny down for sure.

Glad to see you back at SS,

Pia  

Kevan

Thank you for a great review. You point out good things that I will take to heart for the next script. For example; DAY OR NIGHT. I see how you set it up in the first line of dialogue. This is good. Also, my prose about the characters. Yes, I guess it doesn't need to be in the description, just thought it might add value to who these people are physcially and mentally. I will keep those prose points in mind when I write my novel. The title will be "Kevan Does Simply Scripts."

Ha Ha!

Spencer

The Cab's Tale - Speak slowly, please! by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - To get the wrong end of the stick and jump to conclusions too easily could provoke an irretrievable mess in nowadays.

Helio, this Cab's Tale is hilarious, I mean totally whacked, man!

Good little story of misunderstanding of language and how this can lead to conflict. Some amusing banter between the cockney cab driver and the Brazilian man. I like the ending, very funny but equally could be quite frightening.

Just one criticism:

“In seconds, lot of bobs, ARMED COPS, MI 6, 7, 8 9, Trevor McDonald, Old McDonald, Thomas the Tank Engine, The Queen bodyguards, Elton Jones’s sunglasses sellers, everybody else in England arrive, all armed! “

I think you stuck the old boot in the English in the above paragraph my old chum. What are Bobs? Nickname for coppers in U.K. are Bobbies.. Derives from Robert Peel who originally established the English Police force in London, they were called Peelers back then but the name Robert has been reduced to Bobby, hence the nickname derived from the founder..

You definitely are crazy, Amigo.. Certifiable!!

Kevan

HI KEVEE!

Thanks a lot for you reading my friend. I'm sorry about the Bobs. I picked the right name Bobbies, but I completly forgoten to replace it into the PDF version.

I've to say I forgot another UK icon to the list: YOU! Hahaha!

Thanks one more Kev. Hey, Xmas Tales is coming, my friend!