Nick of Time by Richard D. Kinsella (decadencefilms@37.com) - Short - Crime doesn't always pay! 3 pages - pdf, format

*Spoilers*

I liked this alot! It was very well written and well paced. I was pleasanlty surprised by the bomb. This script has a certin charm to it. I probrably like it more than I should, but I don't care. Great job!

9 out of 10

Zack

Hehe I liked this one.

I didn't really understand the ending at first, but I thought about it and knew that 12:34 was familiar so I had to look back. When I got it, I chuckled and I liked the ending. Why was the guy there though? Was he meant to steal the bag that someone purposly left for him? Or was he a robber waiting for someone to accidentally leave their bag at the train station?

Sean

Zombie Sean.

He was supposed to be just a random thief, but having read the script back it does seem possible to read into it that he is there for the specific purpose of collecting the bag.

I'll have to make a slight amendment to that.

Cheers, Rick.

Hey Richard

I must confess I really enjoyed this short.  It was a quick read and the format was good.  The story can be assumed as funny but do I gather your English too.  As you've set this in England I assumed so.

The reason I mention this is because yes it does appear first to be funny but knowing the widespread painc in England now surrounding train and subway stations, this short takes on a different stance.  A very real stance!

I commend you for writing this and somehow making it amusing and conveying a legitimal point about the times we live in.  Jesus i've gone all political lol.  Hey we all know you can't run for a train in England anymore!!!  And you certainly can't leave a bag unnattended!!!

Anyway I liked this short, good stuff mate.

I have two versions of the script. This is the amusing one. The other is more disturbing.

The scripts are both the same except for the very final scene. Here the action takes place behind a wall and ends with the comical glasses touch. The shocking end merely sees the explosion go off from behind the thief. He would be blown back and the smoke would fill the screen, taking us to the credits.

I'm not sure which ending the audience and judges would prefer. The "Oh, Shit!" ending or the funny one.

I plumped for the funny one in the end. It's a bit easier to film for a start.

I guess it's down to your target audience here.  The comedy ending is the safer option but the shock one would leave a stronger impact.  Hey it's your call lol.

Hey,

SPOILERS!
this script read well. In these times now, the story made sense and thus ended well.

Format wise, you seemed to have capitilize everything that the reader must visualize except for the actor/actress (theif). This could be easily fixed by calling the theif something.  

Probably because of my tendency to be specific in some parts of my story, I suggest in enlarging the description where the theif is prowling his or her target. Make it more as a montage seqeunce aquiring that feeling as if a kid is in a big candy store and has one chose for canyd. Hope the analogy makes sense.  

Some parts of descriptions can be tightened up in order to allow room for to do so. One line you have written , "the bag is his" when he is walking close to it. I think its probably obvious, so this can be deleted.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Mr Ripley,

Cheers for the review.

Quoted Text I suggest in enlarging the description where the theif is prowling his or her target. Make it more as a montage seqeunce aquiring that feeling as if a kid is in a big candy store and has one chose for canyd. Hope the analogy makes sense.

That's the idea of the passage with the briefcases and rucksacks. I envisage it as a Tony Scott moment when he is watching all these different bags go by and he is looking for the best target.

Quoted Text The young man watches as briefcases, handbags and rucksacks hurry by on the arms and backs of businessmen, mothers and students.

I need to make it clearer, that was the cause of Zombie sean's concerns as well.

Rick.

This was an enjoyable short.  You managed to capture a full story in only a few pages and managed to put a comical ending to it.


Phil

This was really well done. Your description's were visual and to the point without being too wordy.  I saw your comment about the possible different ending and would definitely stick with the one you already used.

Hey Richard. I really liked this one.  You wrote another short that was the same length but didn't work as well, but this one worked in every way.  I really think you did a good job here so congrats, this shows you can tell a story in only a couple pages, which is really hard to do.  I also thought it was funny, at least the twisted part of me, that young man got what he deserved

anyways a job well done.

Hehehe what a funny little script.  The guy does a bad thing and ends up a hero (well he did stop all those others from suffering a nasty and eplosive fate)

This was very good. A brilliant example of a short with a beginning, middle and an end that does what it sets out to do and leaves no loose ends.

I will commend you for your descriptions (well you don't really have dialogue), these are the kinds of descriptions I want to have in my scripts one day. So easy a flow, not a superfluous word in there yet you convey exactly what you must to make the story work.

Within the confines of its simple premise this short is pretty much flawless.

Very good work.

Hey,

This was really good for a 3 pager.

The CCTV camera confused me a little.  I'm not sure if we're looking through the Camera's lens at the young man or if we're watching the camera.  

Otherwise, no complaints.  

If you did have to add something though... you might want to give us some hint at the hoodlums character. Is he a total jerk? The type of guy that would steal money from a blind musician? Or does he have a good side.  Neither is needed, it is really good as is.  I'm just have time on my hands right now.

Good luck with the contest.

Dethan  

Hahaha. What a cool little short this was. Good formatting, good writing. Don't really have much else to say except, well done!


Matt.

I wasn’t aware you had anything posted here, but when you mentioned it elsewhere -- and I saw that is was only a few pages -- I thought I would give it a look.

It is nice and tight, with a good payoff.  No flab here.

I think you might add individual shots of different bags rather than rattling them off in a single sentence.  Or perhaps add a scene of him almost stealing a bag, only to be deterred by its rightful owner at the last second.

I say this because, playing it out in my head, it might not be evident immediately that the man is a thief.  And these additional scenes could still be played out without any dialogue.

And a small nit -- I do not care for the phrase "piss-stained alley."  I realize you are setting the scene in this alley, but for some reason, that particular choice of words rubbed me the wrong way, lifting me from the story, if only momentarily.  Might just be me, though.

But I did enjoy this, even if I did come upon it a bit late.

Cheers Bert,

I had a lot of offers to produce this after posting it on here, which is kind of ironic

I think other people picked up on the bag thing.

As for " p*ss-stained alley."  I vaguely remember wondering whether or not to put that in myself, but no other phrase seemed to sum up the place quite as succintly.

Rick.

Nice.  What a sad social commentary that, as soon as I read it was an abandoned bag at a train station, that I knew what was and would happen.  It didn;t detract from my enjoyment, because ya gotta like a little justice in the world.  If I was to suggest anything, maybe it;s that our thief needn;t be so scruffy looking, but to try something different that could incorporate ethan's idea.  If he looked the type that wouldn;t need to steal, but does, it might add a bit of character.  Though, I had nto problem picking up from the description that the thief was looking for a target, and not something he was supposed to pick up.

Hey Richard,

Seeing as though I read your script to check out the formatting, I thought I might as well review it. I thought for a twp page script it was good, you have a nicely paced set up and a great climax.

SPOILER

I particularly liked the burnt shades at the end and tying the bomb timer in with the train time was a nice touch too.

Checking out your formatting has also been very helpful and I'm clear about what I need to do with my script now.

Thanks.