Hey Tonka,

This was a cool little short. Pretty simple and straight forward with a nice twist in the end. First I would like to say that I thought your character descriptions were really good and they set a great tone for the script.

I kinda had a hunch about the train and the tracks but I kept discarting it as, like "Nah, that would be too easy". And while the twist certainly was easy, it still worked great. I think the way you played it out in the end was just right.

I also liked the dialogue a lot. It was crisp and fast. Well done.

My only beef with this script is the conversation Toby has with his wife. I don't know, maybe she's just fed up with him but she doesn't seem very supportive and I was kinda expecting that from her.

Anyway, a cool read. Keep it up.

Cheers
Rob

PS: I'm not sure about your first slug "INT. WATER COOLER- DAY". Are we inside a water cooler? That doesn't really make much sense.

Hi, Tonka

I see you started to write short scripts. For first try it was very good. A small story with nice plot, good dialog and funny personage. (Poor crazy Toby scared by Blue Cat - I laked it) Since it's a small budjet short why you not take a camera, make it and post it on Youtub, i'm sure it gonna stand out from a lot of stupid videos they have there.

Good luck, keep writing.

Tonka,

Good going. Cute little story. Kinda figured the ending but it still worked well. The fact that he reacted the way he did made knowing the reality status of the train even better.

Not sure of the photo present. Seems a little mean spirited for the lady to give, maybe the guy though.

I like how the place kept the blue at pictures up. Like a mascot.

thanks for the read guys. Yeah I agree with you datha, it wouldn't be to hard to knock this script over with a small budget. I'm surprised no one has had a stab at it yet, unless it is hard to get your hands on a train set.

SupTonka,

I really enjoyed reading this one. The descriptions you set for your characters i thought made a perfect picture for me to imagine. Sometimes, i have be honest, i feel that some people think of endings out of nowhere adn that just ruins schorts for me. But you did a great job writing one that made sense.

Good job, can't wait to read more from you.

Bryan.

Hey, man, just read the script.  I liked it.  It's pretty simple, you could shoot it for pratically nothing.  All in all, it's pretty good.

I love the title.  It's saw it and I knew I wanted to read the script immedaitely.  I didn't even bother reading the log line, the title was enough to hook me.

I like the choice of Trudy giving him the picture because the way I see it, she thinks he's fine, so she's giving the picture to him kinda as a funny reminder of how he was before and how he's (he doesn't know it yet) conquered his disease.  I think it's just meant to be a gag gift they could both get a laugh out of over time.

All that being said, there were a few things that irked me(You wrote the script a while ago so I'm not sure if you've already fixed the problems):

--Instead of INT. WATER COOLER - DAY, the easiest sugguestion would just be INT. BY THE WATER COOLER - DAY or even just say INT. OFFICE - DAY and just say that they're standing at the water cooler.  Pretty much anything sounds better than having them actually inside the water cooler(even though I don't think anyone would actually think that).

--In the opening scene, they say Toby's name way to much.  I think having him say Toby's coming back and then they can just refer to he/him after that.  That's why the pronoun was invented.

--Like most people, I had a problem with the wife conversation.  I suggest, losing the F-bombs because they're pretty unecessary in the story and maybe he should call his doctor instead and have the doctor not believe him when he says he's took his meds and all he does is just insist he take more.

--I think it would be more effective if you lost all the flea posters except for one and have it be on his office door.  And then him and Sam can remove it and it's like a big thing cause he's moving away from the past.

--The paramedics would be in such a big hurry, I don't think they'd stop and chat about the trains.  They'd look down and notice it but they're #1 priority would be to get Toby.  I think you should think of a different way to show that the trains are real.

I believe that you could knock out a pretty sweet second draft on this thing.  It definitely has potential.  And I encourage you go grab a camera and shoot this thing.  You could probably shoot it for table scraps and if done properly, could draw in big youtube crowds if you decided to post it there.  God knows they need something actually good instead the hundreds of thousands of parody videos.  Those things make me want to rip my eyes out.

Good job.  I had fun reading it.

I didn't like this script, starting with the opening header.  It's shouldn't have been INT. WATER COOLER.  It should have been INT.  OFFICE KITCHEN.  When I saw water cooler, I expected goldfish swimming in the water.

You introduce/describe Sam as brash, but I didn't see him as such.

I thought that everyone's attitude regarding Toby's condition was too casual and unrealistic.  No one seemed nervous or uptight with him.  No one thought that the crazy guy might pull out a machete the next time the copier jams.  It was like he was away as a spa for the weekend.

The drawings should've come down as soon as he put them up.  It's unprofessional and bad for business to have such things up where people could see them.  Toby's delusion (and remedy for this delusion), were interesting and original though.

Trudy's gift?  "Here Toby.  Here's a little something to remind you that you're crazy!"  WTF??

Karen was a very cold-hearted woman.  Not at all supportive.  Didn' like her at all.  Why didn't she suggest that Toby call his doctor?

Have you done any research into schizophrenia?  It's more than just seeing thngs and the treatment isn't perfect.  Rent A Beautiful Mind to see a little bit about what schizophrenia is about.


Phil

well of coarse you didn't like it Dogglebe. No suprise there.

And yes A beautiful mind is a brilliant movie.  Something we can both agree on.

Thanks to Chomico and Hoody for the read.

Hoody you just made my choice for next script to read all the more easier. A little script about a goat called Elvis

Quoted from tonkatough well of coarse you didn't like it Dogglebe. No suprise there.

I didn't like the script and I explained why I didn't like it.  Thanks for making me like I wasted my time reviewing it.

If you don't like criticism, you shouldn't post your scripts where people might review them.


Phil

Aw come on Dogglebe, no need to get all huffy. I appreciate everybodies review and pleased that they took the time to read.

I was just referring to how your reviews are most of the time predictable. You dislike a script then expalin why in a logical, rational way.  

Hey Glenn,

Kind of a quirky script you got here.  By the end I thought it was a good read, but feel there's stuff that can be done.

*There's several clumsy punctuation and grammar errors throughout.  Knock those things down.
*I felt the wife was way out of line here.  The guy went through 2 months of treatment and is going back to work and he feels that he's not entirely cured and she gives him mouth about it?  Eh.
*Like the back story of the blue cats/pictures of fleas.  Helped set up the story really well.
*You know what I think would be an even better ending?  You have the ambulance show up, they go to Toby's office, take him out on the stretcher, and just as they're exiting the lobby, one of the paramedics goes "What's with all the trains?" or something along those lines.  Fade out.  The end.  That and also reducing the wife's foreshadowing.  The second she said "there's probably a perfect explanation" I figured the story would end with him being perfectly sane.

Creative piece you've mustered up here.  I think with some tweaking you can make it even better!  Best of luck to ya!

I could actually accept that the wife was a bit cold. You have to take into account that she might have been putting up with his antics for a long time before he got treatment, so maybe she's Just over it.

When's the rewrite going to be up, Glen?

Quoted from tonkatough I was just referring to how your reviews are most of the time predictable. You dislike a script then expalin why in a logical, rational way.

Would you rather I write a review like, "This script sucks goat balls!"  I'm sure I can come up with harsh criticism that won't help you at all.


Phil

This was a great little story. I liked the sense of momentum ( appropriate with trains) as Toby feels more and more like he's headed off the edge. It reads well and moves fast, I could picture the action while reading, Toby's rushing about while a wacky Vic Mizzy score plays.

The ending was pat and funny, the only thing I'd suggest is slightly changing the picture in the frame....maybe he should be huddled under the desk all sweaty, clutching an Employee Of The Month trophy.

Otherwise, a good frantic little script, lots of fun!

Thanks Mikep for the read

You suggestion of  Employee of the month trophy cracked me up.