Quoted from stebrown Francis is a demon working for the devil to find the mother of the anti-christ. Erin is the ideal choice because she is young (she needs to learn how to care for the devils spawn and all that) and her mother has died. In order for Francis to have complete control over Erin he takes the place of her father.

I did not get that at all. That seems way too deep for a 12 page short.

Nice...very nice. You definitely know what you're trying to get accomplished, but there are some confusing points, mainly with Dr. Francis (who, by the way, I think rocked as a character) -- without a motiv, or even a suggested motiv, or some kind of dialogue that references his background, it's hard to know if maybe he's a soul catcher/stealer, demon, the devil, or even just some cynical weirdo, or cult activist who likes to use souls to do his sacred rituals.

You establish a lot of love in the house, but I think it was too much at some points. I actually think you were trying to establish a harmony atmosphere, and then slowly take us to the dark side, which is cool - however you want to do it.

I loved Sarah's description, I feel it was right on point. I felt in this scene that she was regretting, but you instead you said "she looks at Simon shyly." Is she really shy of him? Or is she feeling guilty? I just couldn't see her being shy of him if they had a fling, maybe a little timid, cautious...or guilty.

Your ellipses (...) confused me until the middle of the story when I found out in some blocks of dialogue, one character was actually interupting the other, lol. I would replace thouse with the dashes (--) if a character must be cut off.

The crash was AWESOME, well placed, concise, I could just see the series of shots going in my head.

I have a question about the wife and kid: he couldn't save his wife and that took a toll on him, and then Dr. Francis comes in and offers his daughter's well-being. Was the death of his wife intentionally written so that he could have a strong motivation of keeping his child alive? Like loosing your father, then your mother gets sicks and you're like "not you too", and next thing you know you'll do anything to at least save them. Is that how this was meant to go? That's how I felt, and I think it works just fine.

Lastly, your ending was fantastic, I just think the Dr. Francis guy needed more background in some way. Like I said earlier, he may be a cult activists or something?  Keep it up though, this is good! Let me know if you post a rewrite or whatnot

Hey Raymond, Thanks for checking this out. Pleased you liked it.

Regarding your question, yes the death of Lizzy is intentional. The crash has been caused by Francis, or the power he stands for anyway. I know this needs to be closer to 40-50 pages for it to fully make sense because I think I've tried to do more than what I set out to. I wrote the first draft of this in one sitting, without any sort of plan about what was going to happen. Just pretty much wrote what came into my head.

I'm doing a new script at the moment which seems like it's going to be a feature, so I'm going to be leaving this one for a bit. Will come back to it in a month or two though and try to sort out a few issues.

Thanks again mate