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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Suburbia Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 10th, 2008, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Suburbia by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Drama - It's been the perfect weekend for Simon and Lizzy Fuller but Monday's gonna be a killer. 13 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 18th, 2008, 6:34pm
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: March 10th, 2008, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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This is a short one so I'll comment as I go.


Quoted Text
Lizzy, just in a skimpy nightie which reveals her beauty curls up.


I think you could phrase that less awkwardly.

~When Erin bursts in the room and jumps on the bed: It seems a bit odd that we jump to the next scene with no reaction from her parents.


Quoted Text
EXT. Simon FulleríS DRIVE - DAY


I don't claim to be a format expert but I believe "Simon Fuller's" should be in all caps here too.


Quoted Text
Simon walks out the front door wearing a suit. Lights flash on the other car as he pushes a button.


As he pushes a button on what? A key I assume, but you should probably be clear about it.

~There's too much holding and kissing and nuzzling for my taste, it's too repetitive, IMO. I know you're establishing their love, but it's overdone.


Quoted Text
I think Iíll have to. Youíre getting too go at this game kidda.


You meant too good, right? Kidda? I'm not in the UK so I don't know if that's something people say there. I'm familiar with kiddo but not kidda.

~In the crash scene I would get a bit more verbose, and maybe emphasize the crashing and shattering and other noises with caps. But that's just me.

~I like the scene with Francis and Simon but Francis seems a little too ambiguous. Is he the devil or an angel or what? I think you intended for that not to be clear, and that's okay, but I would have liked for it to have been a little creepier or something else - something more.

~You know what would be an even harder choice to make? If he had to choose between saving his wife or his daughter (both being on the verge of death), and only then does he offer to sacrifice himself instead. Cut away before he makes his decision to his wife and daughter being revived and cut back to Simon dead on the ground. Just another way to go.

Anyway, pretty good story. Some tweaking needed, but a solid effort.


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stebrown
Posted: March 11th, 2008, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Pete
Thanks for the comments and pleased you liked the story in essence.

I struggled a little with the start scene. It did feel a little awkward to me aswell. I'll try and clean that up in the next draft. I was going for a kind of overly perfect existence for them in order to make the bad stuff worse.

The 'Simon Fuller's drive' part was because I changed his name and it was the way celtx amended it. My fault for not checking but easy clean up.

Again, I'll sort out the key part. Kidda is used quite a bit in the UK, and yeah meant to say too good.

I'm pleased you liked the scene with Francis and Simon. I'll experiment with a few different ideas for that scene and see how it goes in the next draft.

This one probably used more format than what I'm used to. What with the phone call and cutting between scenes more. I did like the idea when I was writing it though and I'll develop it further.

Ste




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Blakkwolfe
Posted: March 14th, 2008, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Uh-oh...Alarm Clock Cliche...Whatís a duvet?

Donít know if youríre married, but after the six year old the odds of the Mrs. falling asleep in a slinky nighty are pretty slim, unless youríre very lucky...(she will steal your pajama bottoms and forget about ever getting them back)

People with small children, with the probability of more on the way unless Simon meets up with an axe murderer on page 9, would have the obligatory mini-van...Cars reveal character... Difference between a Lexus and a Hyundai in the driveway...Or a Cooper if they are cool enough...

Although they would have probably been OK had they considered a safer vehicle.

Tension and drama with the normal office morning with the Sarah chit chat to the sudden change with the car crash...that drama moved along pretty well... He calls her gorgeous...Might there be more there than meets the eye, maybe making Dr. Francis a little more interested in his evil, adulterous soul? Hmmm...Could be.

Donít understand the motivation of Dr. Francis. If heís a devil taking souls, why would he care- unless, because the child would go to heaven she would be lost to him, and he wanted Simonís soul in hell...If thatís the case, maybe a little more exposition to that effect would clarify it...

Itís odd that a Dr. in the hospital would wear black, usually green scrubs, white jacket...Is he a priest or a minister with the white collar maybe? Reverend Francis? It would be perfectly appropriate that a minister would approach Simon in this situation as well...

Good, dramatic story, little soap opera, but OK up until Dr. Francis came up and shifted the story into the supernatural realm...Need a little more foreshadowing maybe...Perhaps the song heís singing in the car is ďSympathy for the DevilĒ ....

Few minor grammatical errors, missed commas, but formatting is overall good, I think..

I had no problem with Kidda (although I still don't know what a duvet is...I think its a comforter). I liked the description of the car crash...Short, to the point, drives the story ahead a hundred miles an hour...Instantly visual...Less is always more...

Good work!


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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stebrown
Posted: March 15th, 2008, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi Joseph, thanks for the read.

A duvet is a bed cover, don't know what the American word for it is.

I'm not married but I know what you mean about the start scene. They are supposed to have had a great weekend though, so I think I know how to change that. Erin has been staying at Tom's place for the weekend and he just brings her back over before Simon goes to work. That could fix the problem that Pete mentioned about that scene too.

As far as the cars go, are you saying I should say what type of car they have? Rather than just saying two sporty cars?

Simon and Sarah had an affair a long time ago and yeah that is why Dr. Francis wants his soul instead of Erin's.

I love your idea of having Rev. Francis instead of doctor and also having a hint song when Simon's in the car. I can't use "Sympathy for the Devil" now because that's your suggestion even though it's one of my favourite songs. Will have to hunt through the music collection to find a different one now.

Thanks for the read and the suggestions.

Ste


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: March 15th, 2008, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stebrown
A duvet is a bed cover, don't know what the American word for it is.


We'd call it a comforter...


Quoted from stebrown
As far as the cars go, are you saying I should say what type of car they have? Rather than just saying two sporty cars?


I'd suggest a brief reference. There's a difference between the guy that drives a Lincoln Luxury Car (all about comfort, quiet, smooth ride) and the guy that drives the Porche German Sports Car (all about the speed, adreniline and status) It's a quick way to say a little more about the character. I wouldn't go hog wild with the details though unless it matters to the story.

Feel free to use Sympathy, It's Sir Mick's song, not mine (I wouldn't hassle you about it)...ALthough I suggest Ozzy's version, cause it's fantastic.

If he and Sarah did have an affair, suggest making it in the present, add a little more tension and spice between them...Could be fun to have her jealous of the action Lizzy got...





Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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alffy
Posted: March 17th, 2008, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste, I shouldn't have any trouble with your language lol.

Simon Fuller, any relation to THE Simon Fuller, the music producer?

Rather than say 'he pushes a button' I'd say he pushes his fob'.  Dunno if American's know what a fob is though cos I think I had to explain it in one of my shorts so maybe not hey.

The morning departure from the house is maybe a bit long, too many kisses and cuddles.

Oh is Simon having a bit on the side with Sarah?

Didn't see that ending coming, it was a little left field but I have to say I liked it.

I read your early scripts and have to say that you've definately improved your writing.  This was much better, the action was clear and not over written and the story flowed well.  It was an interesting story and like I said, the ending came out of the blue.  I would have liked to know who Dr Francis was and maybe why he came to see Simon.

This was a nice read Ste


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stebrown
Posted: March 17th, 2008, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy, I'm slightly drunk because I've just been watching our relegation battle but thanks for the read.

I'm trying to think at the moment of good ways to link Francis into this earlier or what he stands for anyway.

Really pleased you enjoyed it though mate.

Rewrite may be a few weeks away.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 18th, 2008, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

As promised. I liked this tale. Near the end why not have Simon enter or appear as if he is going into the daughter's room. I was waiting for that but it didnt come. He'll want to make sure or talk to another doctor. The dialgoue was good, story flowed. The ending was powerful in my view since I didn't see it coming. But that makes me more intrigued about Dr. Francios. He is really interesting. This short sparked my interest in knowing him. Good job. are you planning to rewrite this or write another script with him? I see it going both ways.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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stebrown
Posted: March 18th, 2008, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Gabe

Thanks for checking this out.

The thing with the ending is Simon is not believing Francis at all. He is just overcome with the grief of everything and Francis' insistance and urgency makes him go along with it. There isn't time for him to get another opinion.

I'm going to rewrite this and make it longer. For some reason this and 'Big Stakes' are exactly the same length for some unknown reason. Maybe I was still in OWC mode (12 pages haha). Francis will be explained when I figure out how.

Cheers

Ste

ps. I'm amazed my idea of what was going on in 'A night to remember' was almost right.


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stebrown
Posted: March 18th, 2008, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for putting this up in less than 5 minutes, Legend.

I think I'm going to get slammed for the changes I've made. Just be honest people I won't cry.

Ste


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pwhitcroft
Posted: March 18th, 2008, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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This is well written. You've set up the family life well and it is harrowing story.

You need to introduce the main themes of the story earlier on. At the beginning it is all very nice and I knew something had to happen eventually but before it does happen I was thinking what is this about? If the intention is to make it longer then you are OK because then the time it takes will seem better proportioned with the story.

On the same topic Francis appears on page 8 of 13 but he is obviously pivotal to the story. If you can find a way to have him appear earlier and some how set up the offer that is to come later then I think this would work better.

Philip


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tonkatough
Posted: March 19th, 2008, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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I promised I would read your script and that is what I have done.

Your writing is fine so I got nothing to comment on there.

I had to smile how all the females in your story universe are Beautiful. Remind me of a day time soap.

I really liked how you introduced GOD? Or what ever Francis is. With the slow echo footsteps. Very effective.

Just the way Francis behaves and his dialouge you can tell he is something extraordinary- sort of like Morgan Freeman from Bruce Almighty or Agent Smith from Matrix. Very aloft, know it all and talk down on everyone.    

The ending was so vauge I didn't know what to make of it.

I know they say you should never spoonfeed your audience but your ending was so ambigious and sparse anyone could read almost anything into it.

Francis is God or Satan and has chosen the daughter Erin to be his Anti-christ? That's my guess. Is the daughter from Francis seed he planted in Lizzy womb?

You see the less you give me the more harder my imagination has to work to fill in the blanks.  


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Pants
Posted: March 19th, 2008, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty good. Other than a few grammatical things and different terms, US versus UK, I really enjoyed it. My only issue was the end. I like the idea of making him choose between his daughter and his wife. By killing both parents Erin can now be introduced to the foster care system. I know that's reading into it a bit much, but that's what we are here for. Good one over all!
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stebrown
Posted: March 19th, 2008, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read andcomments there.

This is the second draft of it that I did last night. Sorted out a few typos and changed the start and end.

I'm getting the feeling I'm not going to be able to give this a clear-cut ending, where everything is understood. Just so people know what I was trying for here's what's going on;

Francis is a demon working for the devil to find the mother of the anti-christ. Erin is the ideal choice because she is young (she needs to learn how to care for the devils spawn and all that) and her mother has died. In order for Francis to have complete control over Erin he takes the place of her father.

I realise I need to get Francis involved earlier in the story or maybe expand the end to show the above. I was going for just hinting at what was going on but I guess there weren't enough hints.

What are your thoughts on the smash cut to hell? I think I took that out then back in again about 5 times.


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