Morning Stephen -- As I sit here with my Pinot Noir in hand and gaze over at my clock, which reads 6:17am, I hold up a toast to your fine script.

Most of your descriptions were very well done. Leaving the reader with great images works every time. Just enough to set a clear picture is what the director needs. You may want to go back over the script one more time, however, I did notice one spot where some words were scrunched together. Thank God, I am an expert drinker and can see clearly even with several glasses of French Pinot in my belly.

Like Mr. Z stated, this was heavy on message and not quite as heavy on plot. it was much like 151 Baccardi regarding the drinking and a Lite Beer related to plot. Overall, i enjoyed you script and message. Keep writing your work is good.

Spencer McDonald

Ahh, 6:17am? The drinking hour in full swing.

Thanks for checking it out Spencer. I agree, I can make my action lines more concise and to the point.

When I'm watching films now I'm asking myself why a certain shot was used, and questioning more what scenes are actually revealing.

I think after some heavy scripts lately, a comedy is in order for my next one.

Let me know if there's anything of yours you'd like me to read.

Ste

Hey Ste
I'm going for the trifecta with your scripts. Just finished A Brief History.. I must say no pun intended it was sobering. As someone who has wasted many a night in a bar with a guinness(yeah we like 'em too across the pond) and some friends this actualy scared me. i felt my heart kind of speeding up and hoping it was just a bad dream. I like how Tony is on the verge of his own realization at the end. It's like a never ending cycle. i agree this would make a great short film maybe even an award winner. Think i'll raise a pint to you!

haha and I'll chink my pint back at ya nick.

Cheers for reading it. Pretty much the exact affect that it's supposed to have. There's supposed to be a cycle feel to it - such as the ambulance scene breaking straight into the graveyard. Everything is supposed to be constantly drifting to the neverending future.

This is probably the one that I would most like to see someone make. Just would be interesting to see the difference from how I think it would look, to the actual film. Would be pretty cheap too I'd guess.

Ste

You succeeded in bringing tears to my eyes.  I got somewhat emotional reading it because I coulda sworn the same thing Alfie did.  Life passes by too fast when you're just straight partying - whether it's beer, drugs, or whatever you're doing.  I liked this a lot and it really hit me too.

Hey Ste:  I saw this one bumped and found time for a quick five-pager.

I am not sure if this is one of those where you were limited to five pages or not, but it seems to me that brevity here is robbing your piece of the resonance it might otherwise have.  I like the English feel to it (like PBS haha), and the conclusion is satisfying enough, but we never really see Allfie's descent.  At least, not far enough.

You have such a brief montage -- and it such a short piece otherwise -- that I think you should extend it a bit.  The montage, I mean.  Show Alfie getting fired.  Losing his friends.  Losing his girl.  Perhaps drinking something a bit harder than a pint.  Things like that.
  
And when the vicar is reading at the gravesite, you mean to say that he reads "M.O.S."  As in, "The Vicar reads M.O.S."

That is the technical term for his voice being muted.  The story goes that some old German director used to say, “mit out sound”.  I am sure it really stands for something much more mundane, but I prefer that version.

Anyway, I am not talking about extending this a lot.  Just a bit, and primarily through the montage, where we get a bit more of the "history" the title promises us.  It has a nice flow to it, though, and I did enjoy it.

Thanks Slabstaa/Bert

Pleased you both enjoyed it.

It wasn't for a comp Bert, just an idea that came to me. I  hear what you're saying and yeah the montage could be extended. To be honest I was just plucking things out of the air to put in -- not a lot of thought went into the montage part.

Interesting story about the M.O.S - I knew there was a proper technique for that, but couldn't think of what it was.

Slab, this could be about any of the things you mentioned and have the same affect. It's a lot to do with wasted youth and life.

Thanks again

Ste

Hi Ste

I realise that this is a very old thread now, but slabby sent me a pm asking if I'd take a look and maybe post some feedback. Apologies if you have moved on and aren't interested any longer!

I had a completely different take than everyone else here on this story. Reading the other posts above, I must assume that mine was completely wrong - and that I may be a little thick!

But what I saw in this story was a fantasy of old people transferring with young ones. So we see the empty life that lies before Alfie (in an effective montage) and then his life is switched with that of the old man - who will no doubt live it much the same (as he will probably already have lived his own)! For Alfie, his empty future of drinking is replaced with a rapid death. At the end Tony is about to do exactly the same thing.

So it's a parable about the cycle of drinking that never ends. Which I thought really clever, until I saw the other posts and realised that I must have been very far off the mark!

The reason I assumed this is that, if Alfie is both the young man we saw and the old one, then the opening scenes must take place in the past (say the 1950s), and yet you give no indicator of this and so I took it to be 2008 (and just put the cigarette down to an mistake) - and thus a nifty time travel/fantasy type story!

I did enjoy the story, whether my take on it was wrong or not. I found it nicely structured and it had plenty of good scenes that dovetailed well.

Interesting take you have on this Niles - good name by the way, big fan of Frasier.

Did Slabby ask you to take a look at this script in particular or just a script general?

Anyway, yeah this is a pretty old script and I have moved on to other things but it's always good to be brought back to old scripts with fresh perspective. I appreciate you taking a look at it and I'm pleased you enjoyed it.

Ste

This one in particular, I would say.

Hi Ste,

I really enjoyed this. I think in particular that the imagery would work very well on screen. A great, quick read, well done.

Craig

Stephen, I really liked this. Your writing is superb and the script flowedwed beautifully. Slabby recommended this to me some time ago after reading my script and he said he enjoyed yours more and now I can see why. You paint a very vivid picture of someone who has wasted his life in the bottom of the bottle. I think this would look very good on screen. It is depressing, but I like depressing when it hits home on a subject some of us may be a little too familiar with. If you get a chance, check out my script, link at bottom. Unless u already have? Love to know what you think.  James

Hi Stephen,

Well, I'm not much of a preaching admirer, so I'm always cautious when I start to read a script with a premise such as yours. Most of the times, I don't reach the middle.

I have to say that your story is one of the best I've read to that respect. It is a bit preachy, but you were able to balance for the most part.

The story has a feel to Dickens, I'd say, able to call the sin without pointing a finger on anyone's face.

The writing is pretty good; very visual as some others pointed already. But, if I may say so, I think it could still use some polishing.

I find strange your initial introduction of the Old Man. You kidn of divide it between two paragraphs with an action line in between. I found it distractiong.

Then, Alfie becoming his old self was also awkward. You start by describing Alfie looking around the empty bar. So I was visualicing him doing just that. But then, you describe what he sees and it is himself at an old age.

In my opinion, the scene would be better if it started describing the bar through someone's eyes, keeping his appearnce concealed, and then is when he sees his rinkled hand, etc., and then is when the reader realices the person is old Alfie.

Anyway, just my taste.

One last suggestion is about the wrylys. "(takes a long gulp of his drink)" is clearly an action line. I don't think it belongs with dialogue.


Overall, pretty good. I think you did a very nice job.

t

Hey Stephen, I have mixed feeling for this one.

I think you achieved what you wanted to tell us: how alcohol can make your life fly by and you don't even notice it. But there are so many unanswered questions in the script that ultimately left me a bit confused.

First of all, is this all a dream? It seems like Alfie is transported into the future and now he's old and he doesn't even know it.

What's with the OLD MAN in the beginning? I don't understand why he's here. Except that Tony, in the end, has taken his role. But then it just came out of the blue.

I almost didn't know anything about Alfie, our protagonist. I know suddenly being old is sad, but I didn't connect with Alfie enough to feel that myself. Is there something that Alfie had to do when he was young and now he couldn't do it anymore?

Once again, it's written and paced well. I enjoyed it, but left me with a lot of questions.


Herman

Thanks for taking a look at this old script of mine.

Good point about the introduction of Old Alfie, dotsanddrops. If I was writing this now then I would have written that a different way. Looking back on it, I can see what I was trying to do, and that was a POV from the start of that scene - as you say though it reads a little awkward.

Herman, to answer your questions -

No, it's no dream. Alfie's life has flashed before his eyes because he's wasted his life in a drunken haze. Before he realises, he's an old man with nobody but his fellow drunk for company.

The Old Man in the beginning is someone that is going through the same thing as Tony is in the end. He's miserable because he's lost his friend but then laughs at the irony or just the whole pointlessness of life when he sees Alfie, who's going to waste his life the same way he and his friend did.

This was a script I really wanted to see produced but the one request I accepted never came of anything. Maybe the time has come for a rewrite - we shall see.

Ta

Ste