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written during a bad case of insomnia, my first crack at a psychological umm - thriller i guess you could call it. tell me what youse think.. cheers, muchlove, jayden
Not a bad job, very dark, I liked it. The whole bad conscious controlling the mind is used to good effect here tho not the most original concept, you handled it well.
The taking ones own life ending is again not very innovative but how else do you get rid of the bugger. I liked the repetition of the "What if they laugh?" it sorta summed up Ed's paranoia & insecurities which brought this inner demon upon him (that was my spin on it anyway)
Very good job for a four pager, man. I loved the closing line too.
cheers for the read and review man 'a seven backed up by a two' is loading now, i will read and review haha and your spin on it was what i was going for, so thats reassuring haha thanks again, muchlove, jayden
The "What if they cheer?"-line was brilliant. I think you managed "a guy talking to himself" rather well. It was surprisingly effective and I felt that your script had both a beginning, a middle and an end (which is pretty good for a 4 pager). I thought the way you set the scene up with the mirror was quite clever and it worked in portraying the duality of the scene and Ed...it was almost like the old Walt Disney cartoons with the devil and angle sitting on each shoulder. Effective.
Okay, I think you should try and write around the words "US" and "WE", they're not needed and it doesn't look good. Also, your first two paragraphs are somewhat blocky to look at. I think it would help if you break them up - say, have no more than 2-3 lines per paragraph. I know, it's nickpick - but it works.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Thanks Sniper, a much appreciated review .. I will definately take what you've told me into consideration - taking out the us' and we's as they are not needed. And I agree with the blocky paragraphing towards the top of the script, I will work on that in a draft to come - if all goes to plan I shall be trying to shoot this one. Muchlove, Jayden
Awesome script. Really enjoyed this one, so congratulations. I've always been a fan of scripts, and films dealing with insanity, and pyschological aspects of the human nature (as I study pyschology), and I think that you dealt with the subject matter pretty well. The idea of the story wasn't a new one, but I felt that you gave a good spin on it. It at least felt fresh.
The script was short, and 'sweet' (if you like), and I don't really have much else to say, as Sniper took the words out of my mouth; break the first blocks of description up and replace "Ed again turns to face us" with something along the lines of "Ed turns away from the mirror". That would work fine, as we originally start looking at his reflection. Also, try not to capitalise full chunks of dialogue... An exclamation mark at the end of it is sufficient.
All in all, this was a very well written little short. Not much to change at all, bar a few formatting issues, which really aren't a problem if you are going to film this yourself.
So congratulations, and good luck with the filming!
Just read you're script and thought it was good. Great little piece you have there. Well thought out and the balance of the conversation was excellent. Made for two distinct personalities.
I thought it was decent. Although I'm going to disagree with what some other people have said about there being a beginning, a middle, and an end. I don't actually feel that there was much of an ending.
Yes, I did like the final line "What if they cheer?". That was really good, but then there's nothing. There's no resolution as to what Ed does. He's just standing on a chair and then that's the end.
"What if they cheer?" is a great transition into looking at the opposite side of things for Ed, something that might mess with his head even more and I think you might be able to have some fun, well, maybe fun isn't the right word, but you can get some good ideas from that.
Like I said, it wasn't too bad, it's just I think there should be a little more closure to stories. Remember, this is your story. If you were leaving it up for the reader to decide what happens from there, that's plain old laziness at just not wanting to think of what happens next. That's just hurrying up with a copout ending, then sending it off to Don to post and then waiting for the accolades to come in.
Lol. I just reread that paragraph and I didn't mean for it to come off so harsh. Like I said, it was good and powerful for a four pager, I just think a little resolution would do the story a world of good.
thanks very much for the reviews, they are much appreciated. i will be reading some of yours later tonight when i have a chance (i have to go to a school assembly thing soon) so please don't think i'm taking reviews but not giving. okay, so again, i'm glad youse found the two personalities effective cause its probably the most dialogue driven of my scripts - and Toby that is a good suggestion of the "Ed turns away from the mirror", i plan to use something along those lines in the second draft if you don't mind. Mark, I know what your saying with it looking like laziness, but i didn't intend for that to happen. I was trying to create a small element of suspence and leave the audience questioning whether Ed jumps or continues to live with his 'disorder'.. thanks alot guys, muchlove, Jayden
Insanity is not an easy topic to write, thought I think it might be reaching a bit to call this a piece about insanity. Either way, it was an enjoyable read and it had a lot packed into a few pages.
Being me, of course, I have found something to criticize. I would change Ed's voiceover, or inner voice, to something besides ED (V.O.)--BTW, you did that incorrectly--to ED'S SUBCONCONSCOUS, or INNER VOICE. It would just make an easier read if you gave the two personnas different names.
I read this yesterday but didn't manage to post my thoughts.
First of all i liked the character you picked for the double personality. It's the right character. Also the location is good find even though it comes with the finding of the character.
The dialogue was very good, and i loved the last line of the script. Guess that having insomnia is rewarding sometimes hehehe.
While i was reading, I couldn't help but think of Gollum the character in the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy, it reminded me of the scene where he looks at his reflection in the water.
Thanks guys, once again I appreciate the reviews. Nik, I'm glad you enjoyed it. The Lord Of The Rings is not a favourite movie of mine but when I watched it I did quite enjoy the Gollum character, so I take that as a compliment haha. I'm also VERY glad that you found the character and the setting to be right for the story - i was inspired a little by Tim Burton's Sweeny Todd, though this will probably become clearer when I film it. Phil, your critisism is also appreciated and in a way I agree with you. During a rewrite I will definately take your advice into account by giving Ed's subconscious a name. (I'm all for trying to make an easier read... with no budget, my actors have to be able to cruise through the script cause I'm not paying them haha) Thanks again, muchlove, Jayden
Hey jayden, first script of yours I've read...I think. I liked it! I've only glanced at other comments so there may be repeats. One thing I did see that I agree with is the Sweeny Todd inspiration. I could definately see the comparison.
I thought you had the two different voices very well defined and a lot of the dialogue was actually pretty haunting. I really wanted to know more about this 'Ed' guy...what happened "last time?".
I see you're making this yourself, so good on ya for that. One suggestion, as far as sound goes, don't know how difficult or costly it would be. Differing crowd noises in the background could work with this. Very subtle, almost inaudible, but that could be a nice score for this piece.
arguing with self is gold, Imaginery friend stories are a treat. I think the last line of dialouge is neat How the "voice" turns the conversation around to save his own life. much,love Tonkatough
ste, i'm glad you enjoyed it, and a nice suggestion with the differeing crowd noises. like you said, it is simple enough to do, and could be quite effective. i'm also glad that you wanted to know more about Ed and his past. that to me says that his an interesting character, so that makes me happy haha.
tonkatough, thanks alot mate, preciate your feedback aswell.
WATS GOOD Read the script and found it interesting. I liked the battle between Ed and himself and the last line was great. First work I hav read of yours.
Jayden, I hope you don’t take the following criticism the wrong way. I’m really enthralled by the type of “psychological” genre that you are going for here. BUT I’m just entirely confused by everyone’s comments on this one save RC’s suggestions.
While I really think you have a good first draft here I’d like to give my input as I was reading this one a second time through. Again, don't take this as discouragement because I'd really love to read a follow up draft to this.
To begin, how do we know Ed is a struggling actor? Because he was “hired for a role”? What role?
Chalk white skin, neatly combed black hair, hollow eyes, black suit and a British accent doesn’t scream actor to me. If it wasn’t for the log line, you could interpret Ed to be anything from a fashion designer (mannequins) to a tailor to make up artist to a well dressed janitor. You know what I mean?
In the first paragraph you use an ellipse after floorboards, walls, ceiling in your description. Ellipses are used in cases where a person is trailing off in thought or when you might want to indicate an unfinished thought. You don’t want to indicate to your readers that you are trailing off in thought when you’re describing your world to them.
“Ed suddenly stands alive with both fury and passion” – How does “suddenly standing” portray fury and passion? Again, you TELL us he is furious and passionate. You need to show us. Have him throw a chair or scream, anything to show him enraged.
Page 3 - How can an item break a mirror? Tell us what Ed throws at the mirror.
Page 3 – “The mirror cracks finely” – Again the wording sounds awkward. Wouldn’t a mirror crack into sharp, jagged pieces? Not “fine” sand-like pieces.
“You needed someone to warn you of what’s really about in this cold world.” – I don’t know. This line didn’t seem right to me - a mixture of present and past tenses maybe? The wording is awkward.
“Under a glorious stretch of piping” – What makes the piping glorious? Is it golden piping? Are there angels flying around the piping singing halleluiah?
I don’t mean any ill will with the sarcasm, but I have to admit that line made me chuckle a bit.
I would correct the use of ellipses again in the last paragraph of description.
As far as following a three act structure with Beginning, Middle, and End, I think you gave us a beginning where you described the world and dilemma of Ed. You gave us a middle where Ed struggles with the voice in his head up to the climatic moment when he will either overcome OR succumb to his adversary, THEN…
Yea, we don’t find out whether Ed succeeds or not. You need an Act Three bud. You can still use that line “What if they cheer?” but maybe after Ed hangs himself which would actually make it more fitting, and make the voice all the more devious in the grand scheme of things.
Anyways, I hope the suggestions help. And goodluck!
Cheers for the review Dave, I do appreciate the critisism as it is pretty constructive in some areas.
A role generally differs from a job - I doubt someone would say the role of a fashion designer or the role of a pizza delivery boy if they were describing their job. But yes, his persona probably dosn't scream actor.
I do agree with the item cracking the mirror, I havn't yet decided what it is that he throws. Something solid and small that would be in a dressing room I can imagine but I have yet to write down what. Any suggestions would be great haha.
The mirror cracking finely implies that the glass does not shatter, it simply cracks. To me this is a subtle metaphor, the glass cracks just like Ed does.
I can't see the akwardness in the line 'you needed someone to warn you of what’s really about in this cold world.' That's probably a bias opinion because I wrote it, but any suggestions of how I could change this would help.
I do agree with the glorious stretch of piping line. At the time of writing, I meant glorious to imply long, big. But I agree, after a re-read I don't think this is the best use of the adjective.
Originally, I did have Ed jump from the chair, but scrapped that idea with a closing line that I found effective. I don't think it would be as effective if I followed the line with action.
Maybe thats just me, but I want the audience to be left in the loop. I do like dark endings - but with Ed kept in the deciding moment, I think that it could work to be one of the darkest endings I have written... in a more psychological way.
Oh, and I just used an elipse. I like elipses haha, I'll try to cut them out in the rewrite for your reading pleasure.