Xavier,

I agree with some of the other posters who say that you had the seeds of an interesting story, but it got lost amid the details.  The on the nose dialogue has already been discussed.  This is one I noticed:

ROB
But I'm just a fast food place
manager.

That just sounds awkward.  He would probably just say "I'm a restaurant manager."

Jayrex did a good job breaking down the logic problems.  Of course, unless you worked at a bank, you couldn't possibly know all those protocols.

I just kept wondering why Gil and Trent picked this guy to wire the money to and how did these FBI agents get access to that money in the first place.  How were they planning on getting the money out of Rob's account?  It seems like the smartest thing to do would be wire the money into the account, then pull the money out without ever alerting Rob.  To drag him into the office raises red flags everywhere, and there would be no way to get to the money after that.

Also, after Trent and Gil had been shot within an FBI building, it seems incredibly doubtful that Smith would tell Rob to just run away.

What's interesting about this story is how we've all gotten these emails saying we've won some lottery in Europe or Africa or something.  What if this one time it were true.  If you were going to rewrite this story and keep it a thriller, I'd suggest not making the FBI guys the bad guys.  Instead, Rob has a certain amount of time to solve the mystery of who sent him the money and why.  It could make for a really tight mystery.

Hey, just read this. It was alright.

Quite unbelievable though. I was going to point some stuff out, but Jayrex has done it already. One big mistake is why would you send the email to Rob using your personal email.

The real scammers have lots of email addresses, and they certainly do not use their real names.

I thought the dialogue wasn't bad at all, I liked it.

Was there a reason they moved rooms? Besides to get reception of course. If that was the only reason, cut it out and keep it in the same room.

Overall, not bad. Well done.

Thanks guys for the read, I can answer a few of your questions,

CAM17, Gil and Trent picked Rob's account because he is practically poor. When you think about it it's not that unbelievable, you get a guys who to most people is a nobody, put the money in his account, alert him and the FBI at the same time and while the FBI is interrogating the suspect they'll get their two computer specialist to take the money out of the account at which point they steal it and would possibly split the money into small portions and put them into several banks across the country, practically a clean getaway except for the fact that Trent accidentally put down his real name (just so you know I know that most of these e-mails use fake names but I couldn't think of another way to get these guys busted) and that's pretty much the back story behind the crime.

TOMMYP, Like I just told Cam just now I just need a way to bust these guys so I let them put down their name. Also I already knew a lot of the crap that would go down to pull something like this off, it's just a story and when someone is watching something on the big screen I don't think they're really thinking "Pff, come one that's bull".  Also they move from rooms cos there's no signal in the interrogation room and cos there's no phone in there either, so either way they'd have to leave, i don't know I just wrote it that way.

I'm glad you guys liked it, thanks.

Interesting story.  I had trouble with Trent signing his own e-mail. No criminal would do that.  Also, I figured that Trent was the one behind it as soon as he is introduced as the guy leaving the department.  I did like the way you added a phone call to Kate, it made me think she may have tried to get the money out of his account before their divorce was final.  Another wrinkle.  I also understand that the reason agent Gil was tough on the initial interview was he was overdoing it.  I agree with others here who suggested a rewrite.  My boss was used to say there's no such thing as good writing, only good rewriting.

thanks for the read. yea, there are some logic holes in here, most of them i planned into the prewriting but almost none of it is actually in there the way most of you say you would like it. Anyways, I rewrote this script into a final shooting draft for some guy, so if it's ever posted on the web you might see the differences.