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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Do You Have A Clubcard? Moderators: bert
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  Author    Do You Have A Clubcard?  (currently 4594 views)
Don
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Do You Have A Clubcard? by Howard Jensen (ColKurtz - Short, Comedy, Drama - Thomas, a fed up, derisive store clerk unwittingly possesses an irresistible "routine" to a certain kind of woman...enter Nicole. (40 Pages) - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 4th, 2009, 5:45pm
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting this up.

As per usual your response time is exceptional, much appreciated.

I understand thus is a difficult length for the short section, (in other words, too da?n long) But if anybody takes the time to read & feed this I will be more than happy to return the favour with something of yours of a similar length.

As always, honesty is essential in any comments you may leave.

Cheers.

Col.


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sniper
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 2:22am Report to Moderator
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My UZI Weighs A Ton

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Hey Col,

It's great that you posted this script - btw. how much has changed (if any) from the draft I read?


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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tonkatough
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Ouch! I cringed when I read that it was 40 pages long.  But ColKurtz always makes an effort to read my scripts so by cripes I will do the same for him.

I'm half way through it and will finish it tommorow night and  post my review.

So far I am really enjoying it.


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sniper
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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My UZI Weighs A Ton

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It's worth the 40 pages, Glenn.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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stevie
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 3:44am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I agree Rob. Col sent me this a few weeks ago and it was well done. We had scripts both set in a supermarket so we did a swap.


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tonkatough
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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Funny you should say that Stevie cause when I started reading this it did remind me of your script about supermarket workers


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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 4:45am Report to Moderator
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Sniper

Only a small change to the ending with Bill's character. I know, length is a serious issue with me, there was just nothing I wanted to cut. I'm sure after some home truths on here I'll be willing to reconsider. Thanks for the plug too

Glenn
Cheers for taking the time, man, I hope its worth the effort. As I said if you have anything done similar in length send it on to me, I'll be more then happy to oblige.

Stevie

Thanks for the plug, dude.

May I say that this draft (for better or for worse) owes a lot to some extremely helpful critique prior to me posting it here. Guilty parties include: Toby_E, Ste Brown, Sniper, Stevie and in particular Rjbelair. Cheers for the help guys, much appreciated.

So, If it gets panned I can always blame ye motherfu?kers


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steven8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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colkurtz,

Just finished.  I liked it, even though I'm pretty sure I dated this girl at one point.  I wasn't Gary.  

Anyway, The characters and dialogue were pretty consistent, and I like the way you handled the action.  The scene of her coming over the counter at him and the scene where Gary rams their car were really well done.
  
On page 36, at the bottom, you call Gary Thomas for one block of dialogue.  On Page 32, you have Mr. Reeves say, "I�m not even gonna ask. . .", and I don't think he'd say 'gonna', like the guys who work there.  I hear him saying a more proper 'going'.

Over all it was funny and ironic, and worked in all the ways you wanted it to.  What a psychotic girl!
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steven8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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Oh, one quick thing.  And this is just me, and I've noticed it in lots of scripts.  Why do young or young-ish characters always have to be smoking weed?
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tonkatough
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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That's an easy question to answer Steven8.

As Mr Mackey would say: "Drugs are bad . . .  M'kay."


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steven8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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I had to look up Mr. Mackey.  I've never watched South Park.  I haven't watched a regular TV show since 1990.  That's why references in my scripts tend to be 'outdated'.  Gotta bone up on these things!
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Toby_E
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Yo Col,

Is there enough changes for me to read the whole thing again, or should I just comment on the new(er) ending?


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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Steven

Thanks for the read, Steven. Yeah I agree with "gonna" -- "going" thing, it's just where I'm from that word always sounds like "gonna" in the cotext of a spoken sentance, but yo're correct "going" is more suitable for Mr Reeve.

In relation to the wrong name over the dialogue, can you tell which line exactly as I've just checked it and cannot see it.

"Oh, one quick thing.  And this is just me, and I've noticed it in lots of scripts.  Why do young or young-ish characters always have to be smoking weed?"

-- Again where I'm from (and I presume a lot of people my age on this site will back me up)...A lot of people our age smoke weed, at least in my own social circle anyway. I don't know the stats but its very prevalent, particulary among the working class. Plus I think it fits Thomas's type of character too. Thanks agin for the taking the time.

Or of course see Tonka's terse but accurate reasoning.

Toby_E

Hey man. No I wouldn't say its worth reading again from start to finish, but yeah check out the ending if you get a chance. The only thing being is that it relates to a short additional scene earlier in the piece when Thomas is talking to Bill on the phone.

Cheers for the interest, everyone.

Col.


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steven8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hey col,

THis is the passage:

NICOLE
Did you get a job at Best Prices?

THOMAS
(cool)
Yep, received a phone call this
morning, got fitted out for this.
(nods at Thomas)
Went to pay your little “flash in
the pan” there a visit, show him
who’s boss.
(MORE)

Then it's also in the (CONT) on the next page.

I did that all through my The Program script.  I kept mixing up Larry with the guy in the story he was telling.

As far as weed, where I come from is no different.  I grew up in the 70s.  My recollection is that anyone wearing denim material on their body was smoking dope.  That's why they had such a hard time getting me to wear bluejeans.  I always thought those were the 'bad' people.  I know longer think that at all.  Most of my friends in high school and college smoked dope/hash as well as acid, and drank like fish.  Now I ONLY where bluejeans, but I don't smoke dope, etc.  
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