Hi Harriet

I liked this. It was simple, plain and honest. Always good things in a screenplay. It had a story to tell, and it told it well.

There are little bits of formatting errors, but nothing disasterous. You do need to put DAY/NIGHT/CONTINUOUS on your scene headings, but again, this is just minor.

Liked some of the scene transitions - head down toilet, head coming up from under the bath water - would be particularly effective on screen.

I would say that it probably needs (as with most shorts) a bit more breathing space - a bit more of a chance to develop. There is a feeling that it rushes too quickly into the action. I would like to have seen more of Jack, for example - when he pops up again at the pool I had forgotten his first appearance!

I would also say that the age of the children might be worth reviewing - Amir is 8, the others are 11. I am not sure whether an 11 year old boy would necessarily befriend an 8 year old (although they'd certainly bully them)! Perhaps they could be younger? Or Amir older?

One solution for the Amir saving Joseph question is that, as swimming pools have deep and shallow ends, Amir could pull Joseph into the shallows, thus allowing the Pool Attendant to get him, so Amir would not need to actually pull him clear of the water.

Of course, there is no need for Amir to be proclaimed a hero - we, the audience, know what happened, and so do Amir (and Jack?) and Joseph. Maybe that is enough? Although a feelgood ending is nice, maybe a more dramatically statisfying one is one that is more ambiguous?

Anyway, a nice read. Thanks for asking me to take a look. Hope you found something of use in the above!

Niles

Thanks, Simon,

Very good feedback. I changed the age of the boys from 8 to 11 but must have skipped Amir's age during the rewrite. Thery should all definmitely be in the same class, and around 11/12.

Good point about making more of Jack and also the shallow end - good thoughts and very useful. Thanks again for taking the time to read and your comments. Musch aporeciated.

Best,

H

Harriet

You checked out my "Golden Years" scripts so its only right that I return the favour.

This was a nice sweet story, your style of writing is interesting, the way you have sentences lead into one another. I've seen it in other scripts but not to this extent. Not a bad thing just a style preference I guess. I understood what was happening in the script so thats the most inportant thing.

I thought you were going to go for a tragic ending with Joseph being rescued and Amir drowning because he tried to help him or that the whole episode at the pool and party had been a fantasy for Amir. In the last scene I thought he was going to be just getting into the car heading for the pool from the point when he had made the drawing for George. But the ending was wholly positive which again is fine, your decision.

I liked the scene with the goldfish, probably the stand out sequence for me, a nice touch. It showcased a depth of caring and empathy within the eight year old Amir, how he draws parallels between his own situationa and that of his pet fish.

Col.

Hey Col,

Thanks for your comments. IN an early draft of this there were two endings: One where Amir saves his bully, the other where he awakes from his fantasy back in the bathtub, and his father remarks, "That boy. He will never fit in. Dreamers never do." However, the ending where it was all a fantasy was thought to be a bit of a cop out by most readers and I prefer that it ends with an upbeat ending, with Amir being more accepted.

I'm very found of the goldfish part too, as Amir is a fish out of water, but thanks for that comment too

Best,

H

Hey Harriet,

Just finished this one up and I thought it was a really sweet story and nicely done.  I really liked the Amir character.  Reminded me of one of those kids who got picked on in grade school because of his imagination but ultimately goes on to do great things.

I would agree with Cam when he said "At the end, I suppose I was hoping for more of a humbling for Joseph.  Like maybe he acknowledges that Amir saved his life and that he will view him differently from now on."  I was also hoping that Jospeh would somehow be changed by the fact that Amir tried to help him.  I'd like to think that he was young enough to change.  Then again, some people are just jerks I suppose.  Young or old.

Anyway, just wanted to drop you a note to tell you that I enjoyed it.  Good luck.

Craig

Craig,

thanks for the read. Definitely there are a couple of things that need to be addressed towards the end.

best,

h