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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Candy Machine Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Candy Machine  (currently 1450 views)
Don
Posted: October 16th, 2009, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Candy Machine by Jacob F. Keller - Short, Comedy - A young man's quest for a midnight snack leads to a night in jail. 7 pages - pdf, format


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usaking
Posted: October 16th, 2009, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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hi

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When I looked at your logline I didn't know that the actual character's name was Young Man. Why did you name him this? It makes him seem unimportant. Also, you have two characters named First Man and Second Man. I don't understand why you did this. Unless they aren't that important, they should have names.

The story itself is okay, but nothing special.
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Niles_Crane
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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I would agree that not naming your central character, while not unheard of (the produced screenplay for "Wind Chill" does not name either of it's main characters), might tend to alienate the viewer/reader.


Quoted from text
WHAT HE SEES:


I'd avoid this sort of insert. Best your to say the vending machine is at the end of the hall. If you want us to see the vending machine via his viewpoint, which again should be used sparingly, you should indicate POV.

The story, while moderately amusing, didn't really go anywhere for me - the character didn't seem like the kind who'd get so wound up so quickly for a start. It was basically an anecdote, and while I could see how there could be something more substantial in it - a nightmarish story of him trapped under the machine for example - as it stands it does little for me.

I would suggest you end it when the candy bar drops - that ironic ending works much better than the one you have at present.
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jackx
Posted: October 30th, 2009, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'ma have to disagree with Niles, I kinda like the ending.  I think the rest was just kinda run of the mill, though well written.  I liked that you kept it sparse, like the cop and him just smiling at eachother.
Then you have the ironic ending where the candy falls.  I do think it will play a little awkward to have the two different endings, just because they seem to be saying different things.
If you are going with the second I might not have the cops get the candy.  Maybe just have young man being led away, then looking over his shoulder as the candy drops, without anyone around.  Then security camera footage of him reacting violently to the injustice, zoom out to control room or whatever.
That keeps the focus between him and the machine, without the cops taking up too much space.
I do really like the secret control room of people just spending all day fukking with normal people.  Maybe have someone else already banging on a vending machine in the next monitor at the end.
Enjoyed it though, well done.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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Coding Herman
Posted: November 1st, 2009, 12:18am Report to Moderator
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This one is not as bad as what everyone is saying.

First, I agreed with Niles that the story didn't really have a point. It's just one guy having a bad day. But at least there are different beats to the script. The guy tries different ways to get what he desires. Punching, using wire hanger, flipping it over, to using an axe. But would a person really go that far to get a candy?

The story can be tightened up a bit. You don't need the scenes where he was driving down the road, parked in the rest area, exited the bathroom, etc. You can actually start right in the vending room.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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jackx
Posted: November 1st, 2009, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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I dont think anyone here said the story was bad.  Pretty sure the worst comment was 'nothing special'.  Like I said, I enjoyed it, even if there were a few things I might change.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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malcolm3
Posted: November 1st, 2009, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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I quite like the idea of there being a sinister motive behind the candy bar not dropping; i.e to get some film footage for "YOU TUBE" whatever...

A set up, like the old Candid Camera days, but with consequences.

Some of the horror writers who post here, could have some real fun with a theme like that.

Did this one work for me? It would if the pay off was that someone dies.
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Dimitris
Posted: November 1st, 2009, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coding Herman

First, I agreed with Niles that the story didn't really have a point. It's just one guy having a bad day.


Why every script needs a point? Its a 7 pages project with a simple story. You cant allways have big things in just 7 pages.
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tonkatough
Posted: November 5th, 2009, 3:03am Report to Moderator
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I love the simplicity of this. Will he/won't he get the chocolate bar?

A great way to create drama with only one actor and an object. so clever in it's simplicity,

I giggled when the machine fell over, the man picked it back up and the choclate bar has not moved an inch.

What I didn't like was the Young man's reaction to his dilema. It was just to over the top and took me right out of your story. Anyone in that situation we get a little frustrated but I doubt anyone is gonna turn into a nutcase.

Also the dialouge was just false and "on the nose."   No one talks like that. No one would even explain themselves and their actions so obviously to a inanimate object.


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Niles_Crane
Posted: November 6th, 2009, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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I think it would have worked better if we had had a run in - if we had seen this character's day, and it has been a bad one, full of frustrations and problems and so when the chocolate bar gets stuck, it is the final straw that breaks the camel's back and he just snaps.

As it is, we meet him one minute, and the next he is smashing the machine up!

I also would still like the ending to be at the chocolate bar dropping - I think the idea of man vs inanimate machine is much more interesting than finding our it was a prank by a couple of bored security men.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 6th, 2009, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I thought this story was hilarious.

A kid at war with a candy machine! BRILLIANT!

And, my favorite part, when he finally snaps:


Quoted from The Candy Machine
The young man sits and stares at the machine. His eye
twitches.
YOUNG MAN
Why do you mock me?


That's just so awesome. I actually almost think that line would be better as a V.O., though. He's trying to go over it in his head, but that's me.

9/10.


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jayrex
Posted: November 8th, 2009, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Unlike everyone above, I didn't find this to be funny in any way.  A quest to get candy from a vending machine?  Just doesn't do it for me.

You also need to name your characters.

I almost thought you were doing your own take of a Happy Tree Friends skit.

All the best,


Javier


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MikeCashman
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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I can see this script filmed as a "Comedy Short".  It has its moments when the character continues to fight with the Candy Machine and it's as if the machine was purposely making it tough for this guy to get his candy.  The more the machine wouldn't give in, the more the character wanted to destroy the machine.  Pretty funny.

Not to interested in how this all plays out.  I am not going to ruin it for others, but you could have made it more interesting than the way you ended this script.  I felt let down by the ending.  
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