You can learn more from reading other people's scripts as you would from writing them.  Read some scripts here and see if your opinion agrees with those of other readers.  THey don't have to, but it's good to why they wouldn't.


Phil

Thanks again Phil.

Planning to give yours a read shortly.

Apologies to you and everyone else that has given me solid advice on "Pillow Talk". I had already submitted my latest "The Perfect Ending" prior to reading your posts. ( You'll still see (beat) etc.

In no way am I disregarding your advice. I have taken all comments on board and will apply them to my future work.

Hi Dreamscale. Thanks for the read.

Yeah I know I need to get better and pretty darn quick!

Glad you liked the premise and as stated before I am determined to improve.

Many thanks. Martin.

Martin,

Adding to what I said before, while I think the script could be tighter, you could also expand on it a little.


SPOILER SPACE.... KINDA

You rush Melanie's drinking and smoking into the piece.  Start with her drinking from a glass and talking.  Then show her smoking and talking. Then show her refilling her glass, revealing the vodka.  And talking.

END OF SPOILER SPACE


Hope this helps.


Phil

I think that's a good idea, Phil. It would take away from the real time feel as well.

Hey Phil.

Yes this has definitely helped. When I read your last comment I went back and reviewed the script.

Mea culpa! Yup, I was guilty of trying to force feed the reader with too much info at one time. A cocktail of excitement and naivete I guess.

Now I realize that as in life, in a well executed script, pacing plays a very important role.

This is great stuff!

Best .

Martin.

I liked how you portrayed the unfairness of pregancy has on a woman.  She has to cope with the many inconveniences that come along with it, and then she can't even have a drink or smoke to relieve her stress.

This story reminds me a sad and funny letter I read in the Ann Landers column.  A new mother had a son who was allergic to cigarette smoke.  The father quit right away, but she kept sneaking off for smokes.  She asked Ann if it would be a good idea to put their son up for adoption so she and her husband can go back to smoking out right again.

Hey Rich.

Thank you so much for the read.

Yeah, I was trying to portray the difficulties of pregnancy with the everyday longings for a drink, a smoke, things that us guys don't have to contend with.

I'm also humbly proud that it was evocative.

Thanks.

Martin.

Hello Martin,

I enjoyed this story, quite an apt title too.

Bottom of pg 3 you wrote Mell.

Delete the continues, they're very annoying to read & see.

O/S is O.S.

I also think you should have introduced the Man too.

All the best,


Javier

Hey Javier.

Thanks for the read, the spot on 'Mell' and the tips.

Glad you enjoyed it and yes you're correct about introducing the man. Should've done it!

Best.

Martin.

Hi all,

Martin, I take it you have a background in literature? No?

The dialogue seemed a bit too 'on the nose' for me.

"I love these moments. Just the two of us. Our secret time."

She could just smile?

"Like I've told you before, if Daddy knew I did this, he'd be real mad"

Her reaction to the knock on the door shows this.

"Darling, you know I don’t want you spending time in there alone. (beat) This is a time for us to share. Make plans."

He could just say what are you doing in there...after the beat is redundant IMO.

"I know what you’re doing sweetheart..."

Cut out IMO

"...I’ll be downstairs when you wanna talk."

Redundant IMO.

"Forgive me! Please forgive me little one. (beat) It was all my fault! (beat) I still can’t help myself!"

Crying?

All these examples seem to be either internal thoughts spoken out loud or redundant...i.e. most of these could be shown IMO

Hey 24grams.

I've been accused before of overwriting and also not giving the reader or viewer enough credit. This is where I believe my lack of experience in actual film making rears its ugly head.

I write what I would like to see and hear, but a good director and DP could and would do a much more subtle job. (Visuals over verbosity).

Thanks so much for the read and your relevant comments....I'll get there one day, but if not, it's a great journey!

Best.

Martin.

Hey Martin, again.  :-)

Unlike most of the others, this story kind of caught me by surprise.  Even with the title, I didn't see the end coming at all and slapped myself in the forehead for not realizing it right away.

I have to admit...  I love the story for this one.  You made me hate her right off the bat for drinking and smoking, then you had me relieved when I found out that she really wasn't pregnant, then you had me hate her again when I found out that she lost her baby that way.  You had me run a whole gamet of emotions and I love it when a story does that to me.

Then, after reading the story, while I was at work, I began to hate her even more when I realized that she probably wouldn't stop smoking and drinking even if her and her husband got pregnant again.  (That's a true compliment.  When you have a reader thinking about your story even when it's not right in front of them.)

Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  You are an offender of over-writing.  But, like I hinted at before in another post of a story of yours, over-writing isn't a bad thing.  But when writing a script, a lot of your beautiful metaphors become unnecessary and mainly just huge distractions.  "A veritable Vesuvius"?  I guarantee that 8 out of 10 of your readers don't even know what that means, and it'll never translate into the film.  And calling an easy chair an old friend sounds great, really great, if you're writing a novel or short story, but in a script, it's best to just keep it simple...  It's only a chair.  Cut the fat and let's get to the great story you have to tell.

And, let's get back to my favorite saying:  'Lately, recently, I've found it best to minimally and sparsely use adverbs.'  You riddled the first page with ugly-sounding adverbs.  "Effortlessly... expectantly... tunelessly... prematurely... carefully... proudly... gently... deftly... deeply..."  That's 9 adverbs on your first page alone, some even in the same sentence!  They hinder the script down so bad.  Here's a good hard rule:  If you notice too many 'L-Y's on the same page, you're over-writing and not telling a story and have a lot of trimming and cutting to do.  You want your story to read smooth.  All those adverbs just bog it down.

I've learned from you, though, that the overwriting only happens in the beginning of your scripts.  As you get into the story, you cut straight to the actions and lose all the flowery writing and tell exactly what's happening.  Don't get me wrong... That kind of writing is great when you're writing prose, but not scripts.

But, those few niggles aside, you do have a great story you've written here, and a lot of other people seem to agree.  And, like I said, you had me thinking about the story an hour or two after I read it, while I was at work, so good job at that, Martin.

-  Mark

Hey Mark.

Thanks for the read. I've been out of commission for a few weeks and have had no access to a computer.

I'm glad you liked the script and really got what I was hoping to describe. Thanks for the comments and advice. They are all very welcome and I am now applying them to my very first feature.

Thanks to you and many others on this site, I now have the confidence to do so.

Very best regards.

Martin.

Quoted from chelsea I've been out of commission for a few weeks and have had no access to a computer.

Lol.  Trust me, I know exactly what you mean.    I was out of commission there for awhile (hopefully for a different reason than you).  But it feels good to be back on the site again and getting back to writing screenplays.

Hey mark.

Welcome home.

Always best.

Martin.


Gonna read your stuff this weekend. M.