Really enjoyed it.  I like reading characters that I personally would despise in real life.  Also, I must be dense because I never saw the twist coming... I thought she was just a self absorbed bitch!   Good job.

Hi Dave.

Glad you enjoyed this one.

By the way, no way you're dense...I've just read and commented on your debut.

Very best regards.

Martin.

Martin, I can't but agree with what had already been told:
1. plain final twist due to the title, comes clear in the middle of Melanie's talk;
2. excessive detail in how she smokes and drinks;
3. the guy is under-motivated on immediate break - was it her | their first time (broken promise)? when exactly did he get fed up? why now?

Though, you have a good hand and mostly I enjoyed the narrative, even taking in mind that I don't like a person talking to no one (a child) for long. I was taught to avoid one-person talking at all cost.

Good luck!

I enjoyed reading this. Some of the descriptions could be trimmed down. I didn't see the end coming....clever. Emotional piece...a few typos, spelling problems, and just some of the dialogue seemed not real to me....but overall good story.

Okay read this one.

Very well written as I usually dont have problems with long sentences or detail if its  done right, which they are in this case IMO.

The story is pretty solid and has a good, if not difficult ending.

Excelent job and keep up the good work!

Hi Martin. I read this one... twice. Regardless of what I have to say, you can stop right here and take that as success (because it is).

...

Still here?

Great!

So I had mixed feelings about this one. I suppose I'll start by saying that I'd change all of Melanie's dialogue up until Brad's arrival to V.O. A strange choice? I wouldn't say so. As frowned upon as V.O., I think it's preferable to Melanie talking to herself. This is something of a pet peeve of mine but that aside, I think the longer a character talks like this, the more hokey and less plausible it becomes. Case in point, your script.

I think V.O. would benefit your story, especially if it were filmed. The actress wouldn't have to struggle to make her dialogue come off as natural. She could just behave. I'm sure acting without words is a welcome challenge to any serious talent, if they aren't already able to communicate their emotions.

Moving along... the twist worked very well for me. "For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn." That kinda thing. Great subtext. Not to mention if it hadn't been for the twist, I would've written this off as cheap dribble, which is what it read like up until that point.

That said, despite Melanie's character, a lot of her dialogue came off as juvenile. I can't believe she actually used the phrase "raging hormones." Come on, dude. Also this. "Too fat and ugly I guess. Not like before. Not hot!" Subtle...

Seriously, scale it back. I'm also not sure she'd be as ardent as she is in justifying her cigarette and alcohol abuse. Presumably the kid died (or something along those lines). As of now, the pillows are the only things in this script that bare any semblance of remorse on her part.

I wouldn't have Melanie grab Brad's leg at the end either. Melodramatic, much? Other than that, the end worked well for me.

I'll leave you with one last suggestion: pick one... cigarettes or alcohol, that is. Honestly, with her switching between the two at the start, I thought this was supposed to be a dark comedy. It's cheap, dude. It doesn't make logistical sense either. I mean if she's trying not to get caught, she's making it extra hard on herself. Not to mention the smoke...

...I'd pick alcohol.

Anyway, I like the concept. I think the execution needs some work.

Hope this helps.

I don't think Martin is on the boards much anymore. Got sick of the bickering I suppose. Helluva good writer, though. He's one of the few that whenever something gets posted by him, I read it. No logline needed.

James