Pillow Talk - Reload by Martin Cox (Chelsea) - Short, Drama - Brad and Mel discover that pillow talk can sometimes be too much to bear. 5 pages - pdf, format

My shortest review, ever.   Bravo! ~ this baby packed a punch.  

Hi Martin,

I thought this was nicely done.  Though others may quibble, I'm always first and foremost concerned about the writing.  Story and structure are important obviously, but I think they can be improved upon with practice, but you either have writing chops or you don't.  From this piece and a couple of others that I've read from you, I think it's clear you know your way around a keyboard.

That said, there were a couple of instances where I think you could probably tighten up your descriptions.  For instance:

"Melanie has retrieved the ashtray and cigarette butt and is
blowing away the remaining incriminating evidence, silently,
guiltily looking over her shoulder at the door."

Nothing terribly wrong here, perhaps just personal preference, but I think you might be able to do away with the silently, guiltily portion here.  There are a couple of other similar instances.  Again, not a big deal by any means, but I felt like it was an opportunity to tighten it up.

As far as the story, I thought it was very nicely done.  I was about halfway through when I anticipated the ending, because, lets face it, in today's day and age it would take a pretty bad mother who is sneaking smokes and nips while preggers.  

***SPOILERS***

My one quibble with the ending is that I guess I wanted a little more info.  I think you clearly went with the subtle approach here, which is fine, but when Mel claims that "it was all her fault", are we to believe that she was drinking and smoking when she was first pregnant?  If so, I think you could expand on this a bit to include a little more from the husband.  I imagine he would have been very pissed, and yet they are still together.  

Anyway, good read, and good job, Martin.  Look forward to reading more.

Craig

Belvedere vodka? Mmm, the good stuff.

Very well done. I was onto you when she started talking to the baby in the past tense. I think it would work better if she said "If you are a girl". Anyway, good stuff.

The words Skilful and practise. I guessed they're just spelled that way from where you are?? If you want to pitch this to Americans, maybe change to skillful and practice. Just seemed like a typo when i read it.

This could probably be trimmed to be just three pages. You barely use the fourth. I'd either expand a bit or cut some. Get your money's worth from those pages.

Good work.

James

I would agree with Jwent that you could trim this down to a tight three.  I also saw the twist coming about halfway through, so you might work on disguising your intentions a little more.  The material is very emotional stuff, though.  Carries a lot of weight.  So overall, good job, Martin.

Ryan

Martin...

If you ever plan on writing a feature... things that must be deleted... "ing's... ly's.  This four pager is riddled with them and it shouldn't be.  It only adds to your sometimes overly descriptions.  Half of them, you don't really need.  But having said that, a short is what it is... just the start of something, and nothing more.

2nd, too predictable and your ending I thought it was adequate.  You may have been better to add a couple more pages and bring this to somewhat of a more satisfying conclusion but as it stands today, I didn't get one.  But this is... JMO.

Overall, you do tell interesting stories, and this was a solid effort.    

Keep at it... my friend.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter

Well told and tragic.

Hey Martin,

I think this is pretty good, nice twist at the end there.

The dialogue is the highlight of the script. You managed to convey Mel's desperation of a child just by talking to her "belly". The script works for me.

One thing you might want to try is to use more fragmented sentences and trim the flowery description. It'll make for a faster read, especially the first five paragraphs on the first page.

I liked most of your scripts so far. Good job.


Herman

Dear all.

Thank yo so very much for your time and comments. Without trying to sound sycophantic, it is people such as yourselves, who take time to read my stuff and are guiding me to become a more proficient writer. Thank you, I really do appreciate it.

I have some time today, so I'll be returning the compliments.

Screenrider, thanks for the comment and the 'baby' pun.

Craiger6. Thanks for the read. Yes I know i have to tighten up in certain areas, but I read my scripts time and again, and until someone like you points it out, I miss it. Woods and trees and that good stuff I s'pose.

Mel was supposed to have been abusing herself during her pregnancy and I did toy with bringing in the angry husband but decided against it, opting for brevity. Y'see, could've done better.

Hey James. Always revere your comments. The vodka was gonna be Grey Goose, but I think Belvedere is smoother. I constantly get mixed up with the spelling of words as you pointed out.

Someone once said "America and England, two nations divided by the same language!"

Thanks Ryan1. Glad you liked it.

Thanks Ghost. Succinct and to the point as always. It's good to know you're there.

Cloroxmartini....don't ya just love that name? Thanks for the comment. Glad you liked it.

Thank you Herman. I'm gonna put your suggestions into practice (is that right James?) right away. Shorter sentences and less flowery descriptions. Then I'll have a much punchier product.

Martin

I like the concept behind this, great idea which was well executed for the most part. I, for one, never saw the twist coming (although her overtly cheery disposition regarding her alcohol consumption should've set the alarm bells ringing, not to mention the title of the piece) and you built it nicely towards that said reveal.

Having said that, I think you laboured at certain parts to deliberately drag it out which made it clear to see that you were intentional procrastinating the big moment...and that's never a good thing.

"Melanie has retrieved the ashtray and cigarette butt and is
blowing away the remaining incriminating evidence, silently,
guiltily looking over her shoulder at the door."

-- The above passage is nearly all in the past tense, it reads very awkwardly, whilst not fulfilling the primary task of all prose in a script: To tell us what is going on at present.

MELANIE
Forgive me! Please forgive me
little one.
(beat)
It was all my fault!
(beat)
I still can’t help myself!

-- Personally, I would cut this down or omit it altogether; it’s too expository and a tad melodramatic...in a bad way. By now the penny has dropped, we know her situation and desperate mind frame, her body language and anguished facial expression will tell us all we need to know, no need for the dialogue, in my opinion.

As I said, I like the idea behind this, good set-up and twist, its just your actual writing which holds it back from being great. It needs to be crisper, tighter, more focused and functional. Thankfully, all this can be easily remedied with practice. The main thing is you’re able to create an interesting and dramatic premise, that’s the difficult part which sometimes (not always) can’t be taught.

Keep it up.

Col.

Hey Col.

Thanks for the read and your much appreciated comments.

I realize that I do need to sharpen up my writing and hopefully I'm inching my way there.

Reading other scripts and receiving great critiques are  invaluable in this quest.

Once more thanks for your time, advice and motivation.

Best.

Martin.

Hi Martin,

This was very good and could be great if you make some improvements. I thought the title gave the twist away before I even finished the first page. I'd be surprised if I'm the only one who thought this.

I thought the writing was fine. In a feature, I would groan at the heavy descriptions, but this is a 4 page short so it's no big deal to me. It read very well.

I think if you disguise the twist, this would have a major impact on most readers. It's a very emotional piece. Well done!

Brian

This was a very enjoyable read.  I had no idea where you were going with it and enjoyed the story told.

Like the others, I feel that this could be tightened into a three page script. One easy way to do this is to stop using (beat).  This is intended for when a character pauses before he/she talks, not for when he/she pauses while talking.  You want to use an elipses... the three periods.

Quoted Text         MELANIE Forgive me! Please forgive me little one. (beat) It was all my fault! (beat) I still can’t help myself!

would turn into:

Quoted Text         MELANIE Forgive me! Please forgive me little one...  It was all my fault...! I still can’t help myself!

Doing it this way just saved you three lines on the page.


Phil

Hey Brian.

Once again thanks for the read. I know I can tighten things up. Next time you read my work it'll be so tight it'll squeak!

Thanks for the positive comments. Glad you liked it.

Best Martin.

Phil I have learned and am still learning so much and advice such as yours is priceless.

I am so pleased you enjoyed the read.

I know I can/will improve and with guidance like yours it'll be sooner rather than later.

Best.

Martin.

Have to agree with the others here, Martin...idea-wise, it's good, but I don't think it's well handled or written.

Lots of awkward phrasing, past tense, typos, spelling errors, passive verbiage, over writing, etc.

I don't see 3 1/2 minutes of film here, or at least not 3 1/2 minutes of entertaining film.

Another interesting thing hit me as well, being a smoker...chances are not good that she'd be lighting smoking, and finishing a cig in 3 minutes time....this plays out as if it's in real time, and if that's the case, you need to "drag" this out another page at least, IMO...and I think you could and should.

For me, the dialogue seemed a bit over the top in places also...as in not realistic, too dramatic, just "not right".

Great idea though for sure.  Keep at it!

You can learn more from reading other people's scripts as you would from writing them.  Read some scripts here and see if your opinion agrees with those of other readers.  THey don't have to, but it's good to why they wouldn't.


Phil

Thanks again Phil.

Planning to give yours a read shortly.

Apologies to you and everyone else that has given me solid advice on "Pillow Talk". I had already submitted my latest "The Perfect Ending" prior to reading your posts. ( You'll still see (beat) etc.

In no way am I disregarding your advice. I have taken all comments on board and will apply them to my future work.

Hi Dreamscale. Thanks for the read.

Yeah I know I need to get better and pretty darn quick!

Glad you liked the premise and as stated before I am determined to improve.

Many thanks. Martin.

Martin,

Adding to what I said before, while I think the script could be tighter, you could also expand on it a little.


SPOILER SPACE.... KINDA

You rush Melanie's drinking and smoking into the piece.  Start with her drinking from a glass and talking.  Then show her smoking and talking. Then show her refilling her glass, revealing the vodka.  And talking.

END OF SPOILER SPACE


Hope this helps.


Phil

I think that's a good idea, Phil. It would take away from the real time feel as well.

Hey Phil.

Yes this has definitely helped. When I read your last comment I went back and reviewed the script.

Mea culpa! Yup, I was guilty of trying to force feed the reader with too much info at one time. A cocktail of excitement and naivete I guess.

Now I realize that as in life, in a well executed script, pacing plays a very important role.

This is great stuff!

Best .

Martin.

I liked how you portrayed the unfairness of pregancy has on a woman.  She has to cope with the many inconveniences that come along with it, and then she can't even have a drink or smoke to relieve her stress.

This story reminds me a sad and funny letter I read in the Ann Landers column.  A new mother had a son who was allergic to cigarette smoke.  The father quit right away, but she kept sneaking off for smokes.  She asked Ann if it would be a good idea to put their son up for adoption so she and her husband can go back to smoking out right again.

Hey Rich.

Thank you so much for the read.

Yeah, I was trying to portray the difficulties of pregnancy with the everyday longings for a drink, a smoke, things that us guys don't have to contend with.

I'm also humbly proud that it was evocative.

Thanks.

Martin.

Hello Martin,

I enjoyed this story, quite an apt title too.

Bottom of pg 3 you wrote Mell.

Delete the continues, they're very annoying to read & see.

O/S is O.S.

I also think you should have introduced the Man too.

All the best,


Javier

Hey Javier.

Thanks for the read, the spot on 'Mell' and the tips.

Glad you enjoyed it and yes you're correct about introducing the man. Should've done it!

Best.

Martin.

Hi all,

Martin, I take it you have a background in literature? No?

The dialogue seemed a bit too 'on the nose' for me.

"I love these moments. Just the two of us. Our secret time."

She could just smile?

"Like I've told you before, if Daddy knew I did this, he'd be real mad"

Her reaction to the knock on the door shows this.

"Darling, you know I don’t want you spending time in there alone. (beat) This is a time for us to share. Make plans."

He could just say what are you doing in there...after the beat is redundant IMO.

"I know what you’re doing sweetheart..."

Cut out IMO

"...I’ll be downstairs when you wanna talk."

Redundant IMO.

"Forgive me! Please forgive me little one. (beat) It was all my fault! (beat) I still can’t help myself!"

Crying?

All these examples seem to be either internal thoughts spoken out loud or redundant...i.e. most of these could be shown IMO

Hey 24grams.

I've been accused before of overwriting and also not giving the reader or viewer enough credit. This is where I believe my lack of experience in actual film making rears its ugly head.

I write what I would like to see and hear, but a good director and DP could and would do a much more subtle job. (Visuals over verbosity).

Thanks so much for the read and your relevant comments....I'll get there one day, but if not, it's a great journey!

Best.

Martin.

Hey Martin, again.  :-)

Unlike most of the others, this story kind of caught me by surprise.  Even with the title, I didn't see the end coming at all and slapped myself in the forehead for not realizing it right away.

I have to admit...  I love the story for this one.  You made me hate her right off the bat for drinking and smoking, then you had me relieved when I found out that she really wasn't pregnant, then you had me hate her again when I found out that she lost her baby that way.  You had me run a whole gamet of emotions and I love it when a story does that to me.

Then, after reading the story, while I was at work, I began to hate her even more when I realized that she probably wouldn't stop smoking and drinking even if her and her husband got pregnant again.  (That's a true compliment.  When you have a reader thinking about your story even when it's not right in front of them.)

Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  You are an offender of over-writing.  But, like I hinted at before in another post of a story of yours, over-writing isn't a bad thing.  But when writing a script, a lot of your beautiful metaphors become unnecessary and mainly just huge distractions.  "A veritable Vesuvius"?  I guarantee that 8 out of 10 of your readers don't even know what that means, and it'll never translate into the film.  And calling an easy chair an old friend sounds great, really great, if you're writing a novel or short story, but in a script, it's best to just keep it simple...  It's only a chair.  Cut the fat and let's get to the great story you have to tell.

And, let's get back to my favorite saying:  'Lately, recently, I've found it best to minimally and sparsely use adverbs.'  You riddled the first page with ugly-sounding adverbs.  "Effortlessly... expectantly... tunelessly... prematurely... carefully... proudly... gently... deftly... deeply..."  That's 9 adverbs on your first page alone, some even in the same sentence!  They hinder the script down so bad.  Here's a good hard rule:  If you notice too many 'L-Y's on the same page, you're over-writing and not telling a story and have a lot of trimming and cutting to do.  You want your story to read smooth.  All those adverbs just bog it down.

I've learned from you, though, that the overwriting only happens in the beginning of your scripts.  As you get into the story, you cut straight to the actions and lose all the flowery writing and tell exactly what's happening.  Don't get me wrong... That kind of writing is great when you're writing prose, but not scripts.

But, those few niggles aside, you do have a great story you've written here, and a lot of other people seem to agree.  And, like I said, you had me thinking about the story an hour or two after I read it, while I was at work, so good job at that, Martin.

-  Mark

Hey Mark.

Thanks for the read. I've been out of commission for a few weeks and have had no access to a computer.

I'm glad you liked the script and really got what I was hoping to describe. Thanks for the comments and advice. They are all very welcome and I am now applying them to my very first feature.

Thanks to you and many others on this site, I now have the confidence to do so.

Very best regards.

Martin.

Quoted from chelsea I've been out of commission for a few weeks and have had no access to a computer.

Lol.  Trust me, I know exactly what you mean.    I was out of commission there for awhile (hopefully for a different reason than you).  But it feels good to be back on the site again and getting back to writing screenplays.

Hey mark.

Welcome home.

Always best.

Martin.


Gonna read your stuff this weekend. M.

Greetings Martin,

Thanks for the read, I dig the premise.
I had your goat half way through page one though.
There's a line about "stretched attire", it gave it away for me.
That or either, she's a heartless drunk, which I would be fine with or something's amiss.
I kind of wanted her to be a callous bitch, few people write hate inspiring characters, heh.

The use of past tense here further confirms my suspicions about the twist.
I'm less likely to be trying to unravel your twist, if the descriptions are less verbose.
Brisk pacing in technical descriptions, can keep a reader from getting ahead of you.  
The cleverness of the title smacked me in the face after I finished. Meh.
Thanks for sharing! Cheers!

Hey E D

Thanks so much for the read.

Yeah the past tense usage is an issue which needs to be addressed. and I'm still guilty of overwriting and verbosity.

Once again, thanks for the read. Please keep your fingers crossed for me, as I've just been approached to have this produced. But as they say, 'there's many a slip twixt cup and lip'.

Best.

Martin.

Hey Don.

Many thanks for staying with me on this one. (Technophobe or what?)

Any how, thanks for re-posting...interested to see if the new ending works.

Very best regards.

Martin.

*Warning, small spoilers*

Okay....

First reaction: Very well written, congrats!  (About three typos, but they're minor.)  The writing's very clean, strong.

Second reaction: Wow, that was sick...  It held my attention, wondering exactly where the story was going (after the initial horror of reading about a pregnant woman smoking and drinking.)  

Third reaction: Took me a short while to realize what the ending meant.  At first glance, wasn't sure if she was already pregnant and in the early stages, or they were just "planning" on a pregnancy.  (I'm guessing the former, but that she'd promised no more drinking or smoking - and that her habits destroyed a previous pregnancy.)  Strong and effective...and very sad.  Kudos on this one.

Hey Wonkavite. (Great name. Does that mean you come from Wonka, like Moskovite is to Moscow?)

Anyhow, thanks so much for the read and positive comments.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and also that it made you think. I recently re-wrote the ending, endeavoring to swing the reader's compassion from Mel to Brad and back again.

Not certain I achieved that but good to know it provoked emotions.

Thank you again for your time and words.

Very best.

Martin.

Hey Martin,

Thought I would revisit this since you posted a new draft.
This reads better this time, but I still beat you to the twist with the title.
Your dialogue feels more crisp and using present tense helped the story.
I'm still not a big fan of "Is it or isn't it?" type shorts.
She's either an expecting drunk or baby crazy.
And the title immediately gives that away.
Still, this is an improvement for sure, congrats.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Martin,

I saw you posted a new version of this so I thought I'd check it out.  I remember before that I loved it.

I have to admit, this new version ruins it for me.  I liked the earlier version that was short and straight to the point.  This version, you turned the husband into somebody not likable at all.  In fact, he read like he was an eighteen year-old high school jock.  In fact, when he barged into the room calling her a bitch, I even pictured him in a letter jacket and chewing gum.

Sorry to say, but I think this was a lot better the way it was before.

- Mark

Hey Brett.

How are you?

Thanks for the re-visit and I'm glad you think I've improved on the original.

Actually I just took the advice from you and the rest of the guys on SS.

The title is a bit of a giveaway for sure but I'm kind of attached to it now.

By the way, West Side Markets is a little gem!

Best.

Martin.

Hey Mark.

Please don't apologize. I'm so honored you loved the first version and sorry I kinda spoiled it for you.

But hey, this is great feedback. It's what I need to improve, so thank you very much.

I'd much rather have you comment like this than no comment at all.

Very best regards.

Martin.

Quoted from chelsea Hey Brett. How are you? Thanks for the re-visit and I'm glad you think I've improved on the original. Actually I just took the advice from you and the rest of the guys on SS. The title is a bit of a giveaway for sure but I'm kind of attached to it now. By the way, West Side Markets is a little gem! Best. Martin.

Hello Martin,

I'm well after a little bout with the blahs yesterday.
Glad you enjoyed the valentine offering.
After the submission moratorium is lifted on 2/28, look for draft two.

Regards,
E.D.

Sure Will.

M.

You've really impressed me with this one, which is odd because it certainly isn't my genre. The story and structure I thought were good, and the manner in which you wrote really done it justice in my opinion.

I could definately see this as a compelling short film, if anyone tackles it I'd be more then keen to give it a watch. Look forward to reading more from you, well done.

Jayden

Hey Jayden

Thanks for your kind words.

A lot of the credit must go to the guys on SS who critiqued the first draft. I took their advice and re-wrote it and although still not perfect I feel it's getting there.

It's always good to know that someone has stepped out of their normal genre and enjoyed the experience.

Until I came on this site I'd never really read a horror script, but now I'm a fan.

Once again Jayden, thanks for the read, your time and comments.

Best.

Martin.

Martin,

I thought this was a pretty good short. As stated, this could be shortened here and there in the descriptions. You really have an eye for how you want a scene to look, but too much detail can slow down the reader some. Also as mentined, this script has "ing's" and "ly's" which should be looked into correcting.

I wasn't exactly sure where you were taking this, but once there I was fine with the ending. Some of the dialogue seems a bit forced (especially in the second half of the story) and the last lines by Melanie were heavy-handed. The last few lines basically had her telling us her past. It felt unnatural to me the way she spilled out that she "still can't stop!"

For the most part, though, I did enjoy this dark drama. Good work on this short.

Rob

Hi Rob.

Thank you so much for the read.

I can do no more than agree with you. Yes, some of my descriptions are over written, but I still can't stop enjoying myself. (Godsakes, I'm sounding like Melanie!)

I know sometimes my dialogue can be a bit heavy-handed...eleven months into this journey and still learning every day, even with the "ing's" and "ly's".

Ultimately, glad you enjoyed this effort and thanks for your comments.

Much appreciated.

Best.

Martin.

Really enjoyed it.  I like reading characters that I personally would despise in real life.  Also, I must be dense because I never saw the twist coming... I thought she was just a self absorbed bitch!   Good job.

Hi Dave.

Glad you enjoyed this one.

By the way, no way you're dense...I've just read and commented on your debut.

Very best regards.

Martin.

Martin, I can't but agree with what had already been told:
1. plain final twist due to the title, comes clear in the middle of Melanie's talk;
2. excessive detail in how she smokes and drinks;
3. the guy is under-motivated on immediate break - was it her | their first time (broken promise)? when exactly did he get fed up? why now?

Though, you have a good hand and mostly I enjoyed the narrative, even taking in mind that I don't like a person talking to no one (a child) for long. I was taught to avoid one-person talking at all cost.

Good luck!

I enjoyed reading this. Some of the descriptions could be trimmed down. I didn't see the end coming....clever. Emotional piece...a few typos, spelling problems, and just some of the dialogue seemed not real to me....but overall good story.

Okay read this one.

Very well written as I usually dont have problems with long sentences or detail if its  done right, which they are in this case IMO.

The story is pretty solid and has a good, if not difficult ending.

Excelent job and keep up the good work!

Hi Martin. I read this one... twice. Regardless of what I have to say, you can stop right here and take that as success (because it is).

...

Still here?

Great!

So I had mixed feelings about this one. I suppose I'll start by saying that I'd change all of Melanie's dialogue up until Brad's arrival to V.O. A strange choice? I wouldn't say so. As frowned upon as V.O., I think it's preferable to Melanie talking to herself. This is something of a pet peeve of mine but that aside, I think the longer a character talks like this, the more hokey and less plausible it becomes. Case in point, your script.

I think V.O. would benefit your story, especially if it were filmed. The actress wouldn't have to struggle to make her dialogue come off as natural. She could just behave. I'm sure acting without words is a welcome challenge to any serious talent, if they aren't already able to communicate their emotions.

Moving along... the twist worked very well for me. "For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn." That kinda thing. Great subtext. Not to mention if it hadn't been for the twist, I would've written this off as cheap dribble, which is what it read like up until that point.

That said, despite Melanie's character, a lot of her dialogue came off as juvenile. I can't believe she actually used the phrase "raging hormones." Come on, dude. Also this. "Too fat and ugly I guess. Not like before. Not hot!" Subtle...

Seriously, scale it back. I'm also not sure she'd be as ardent as she is in justifying her cigarette and alcohol abuse. Presumably the kid died (or something along those lines). As of now, the pillows are the only things in this script that bare any semblance of remorse on her part.

I wouldn't have Melanie grab Brad's leg at the end either. Melodramatic, much? Other than that, the end worked well for me.

I'll leave you with one last suggestion: pick one... cigarettes or alcohol, that is. Honestly, with her switching between the two at the start, I thought this was supposed to be a dark comedy. It's cheap, dude. It doesn't make logistical sense either. I mean if she's trying not to get caught, she's making it extra hard on herself. Not to mention the smoke...

...I'd pick alcohol.

Anyway, I like the concept. I think the execution needs some work.

Hope this helps.

I don't think Martin is on the boards much anymore. Got sick of the bickering I suppose. Helluva good writer, though. He's one of the few that whenever something gets posted by him, I read it. No logline needed.

James