Greetings Martin,

Thanks for the read, I dig the premise.
I had your goat half way through page one though.
There's a line about "stretched attire", it gave it away for me.
That or either, she's a heartless drunk, which I would be fine with or something's amiss.
I kind of wanted her to be a callous bitch, few people write hate inspiring characters, heh.

The use of past tense here further confirms my suspicions about the twist.
I'm less likely to be trying to unravel your twist, if the descriptions are less verbose.
Brisk pacing in technical descriptions, can keep a reader from getting ahead of you.  
The cleverness of the title smacked me in the face after I finished. Meh.
Thanks for sharing! Cheers!

Hey E D

Thanks so much for the read.

Yeah the past tense usage is an issue which needs to be addressed. and I'm still guilty of overwriting and verbosity.

Once again, thanks for the read. Please keep your fingers crossed for me, as I've just been approached to have this produced. But as they say, 'there's many a slip twixt cup and lip'.

Best.

Martin.

Hey Don.

Many thanks for staying with me on this one. (Technophobe or what?)

Any how, thanks for re-posting...interested to see if the new ending works.

Very best regards.

Martin.

*Warning, small spoilers*

Okay....

First reaction: Very well written, congrats!  (About three typos, but they're minor.)  The writing's very clean, strong.

Second reaction: Wow, that was sick...  It held my attention, wondering exactly where the story was going (after the initial horror of reading about a pregnant woman smoking and drinking.)  

Third reaction: Took me a short while to realize what the ending meant.  At first glance, wasn't sure if she was already pregnant and in the early stages, or they were just "planning" on a pregnancy.  (I'm guessing the former, but that she'd promised no more drinking or smoking - and that her habits destroyed a previous pregnancy.)  Strong and effective...and very sad.  Kudos on this one.

Hey Wonkavite. (Great name. Does that mean you come from Wonka, like Moskovite is to Moscow?)

Anyhow, thanks so much for the read and positive comments.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and also that it made you think. I recently re-wrote the ending, endeavoring to swing the reader's compassion from Mel to Brad and back again.

Not certain I achieved that but good to know it provoked emotions.

Thank you again for your time and words.

Very best.

Martin.

Hey Martin,

Thought I would revisit this since you posted a new draft.
This reads better this time, but I still beat you to the twist with the title.
Your dialogue feels more crisp and using present tense helped the story.
I'm still not a big fan of "Is it or isn't it?" type shorts.
She's either an expecting drunk or baby crazy.
And the title immediately gives that away.
Still, this is an improvement for sure, congrats.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Martin,

I saw you posted a new version of this so I thought I'd check it out.  I remember before that I loved it.

I have to admit, this new version ruins it for me.  I liked the earlier version that was short and straight to the point.  This version, you turned the husband into somebody not likable at all.  In fact, he read like he was an eighteen year-old high school jock.  In fact, when he barged into the room calling her a bitch, I even pictured him in a letter jacket and chewing gum.

Sorry to say, but I think this was a lot better the way it was before.

- Mark

Hey Brett.

How are you?

Thanks for the re-visit and I'm glad you think I've improved on the original.

Actually I just took the advice from you and the rest of the guys on SS.

The title is a bit of a giveaway for sure but I'm kind of attached to it now.

By the way, West Side Markets is a little gem!

Best.

Martin.

Hey Mark.

Please don't apologize. I'm so honored you loved the first version and sorry I kinda spoiled it for you.

But hey, this is great feedback. It's what I need to improve, so thank you very much.

I'd much rather have you comment like this than no comment at all.

Very best regards.

Martin.

Quoted from chelsea Hey Brett. How are you? Thanks for the re-visit and I'm glad you think I've improved on the original. Actually I just took the advice from you and the rest of the guys on SS. The title is a bit of a giveaway for sure but I'm kind of attached to it now. By the way, West Side Markets is a little gem! Best. Martin.

Hello Martin,

I'm well after a little bout with the blahs yesterday.
Glad you enjoyed the valentine offering.
After the submission moratorium is lifted on 2/28, look for draft two.

Regards,
E.D.

Sure Will.

M.

You've really impressed me with this one, which is odd because it certainly isn't my genre. The story and structure I thought were good, and the manner in which you wrote really done it justice in my opinion.

I could definately see this as a compelling short film, if anyone tackles it I'd be more then keen to give it a watch. Look forward to reading more from you, well done.

Jayden

Hey Jayden

Thanks for your kind words.

A lot of the credit must go to the guys on SS who critiqued the first draft. I took their advice and re-wrote it and although still not perfect I feel it's getting there.

It's always good to know that someone has stepped out of their normal genre and enjoyed the experience.

Until I came on this site I'd never really read a horror script, but now I'm a fan.

Once again Jayden, thanks for the read, your time and comments.

Best.

Martin.

Martin,

I thought this was a pretty good short. As stated, this could be shortened here and there in the descriptions. You really have an eye for how you want a scene to look, but too much detail can slow down the reader some. Also as mentined, this script has "ing's" and "ly's" which should be looked into correcting.

I wasn't exactly sure where you were taking this, but once there I was fine with the ending. Some of the dialogue seems a bit forced (especially in the second half of the story) and the last lines by Melanie were heavy-handed. The last few lines basically had her telling us her past. It felt unnatural to me the way she spilled out that she "still can't stop!"

For the most part, though, I did enjoy this dark drama. Good work on this short.

Rob

Hi Rob.

Thank you so much for the read.

I can do no more than agree with you. Yes, some of my descriptions are over written, but I still can't stop enjoying myself. (Godsakes, I'm sounding like Melanie!)

I know sometimes my dialogue can be a bit heavy-handed...eleven months into this journey and still learning every day, even with the "ing's" and "ly's".

Ultimately, glad you enjoyed this effort and thanks for your comments.

Much appreciated.

Best.

Martin.