Thanks Rendevous. I researched naggen  by staring into the bottom of a few, does that count? ROI to the core. I think the Irish flavour of writing is a little lost on some people, but I did get alot of good feedback in terms of format. And you spelled cheque the right way - only da thickos from da island ha?

@ Dreamscale - didn't get what you meant by orphans? You'll have to excuse me, i'm a bit slow

Hi, Eoin, you've been reading on the board, so I might as well give you a review.

I'm having problems understanding the details of the story, but I think I got the gist of it. So Adam is having mental issues and he committed suicide? If there's something more to this, please enlighten me. If not, then you might need another hook in your story.

The major issues I have is the jumping back and forth between scenes. I lost track of the story. I need to orient myself as to which scenes are flashbacks and which ones are happening now. It might be better to put in FLASHBACK within your slugs.

There are many things happening all at once and I'm sure if they all connect to each other. There's the surgery, the Channel 7 studio, Adam's room, Wired Electronics, and the Harmony Audition. The only scene that is more understandable for me is the Wire Electronics one.

Another thing is your slugline. What is INT. SURGERY? Do you mean INT. OPERATION ROOM?

Anyway, I think there are some better ways to execute your premise. Try to make the timeline simpler. And make the writing snappier and shorter.


Herman

Quoted from Eoin @ Dreamscale - didn't get what you meant by orphans? You'll have to excuse me, i'm a bit slow

Orphans are single words that take up the entire line. You could've shortened the sentence.

(The word "sentence" above in an orphan)

Hi Coding Herman, I have seen your Green Dragon around! Never came across the term 'orphans' in a sentence in any of the books I read on screenwriting. Maybe i should take a class. Or two. Thanks for the heads up. To be forearmed is to be forewarned.

Neither have I came across "orphans" in screenwriter books. I don't think it's a requirement to get rid of orphans, but it's good practice to avoid them. Orphans aren't that appealing to the eyes.

Hey Eoin, sorry for not responding, but for some reason, I didn't get an E-Mail that there were new responses on this thread.

Yeah, orphans are when you have a sentence, and the last word is on its own line, basically wasting a line. It's usually pretty simple to do away with them, by using crisper, tighter prose.

Do you have to do it?  No, definitely not.

Can you always do away with them?  Nah, there are times when the sentence just (or the sentence before it) is good as is, and to do away with the little fella, would destroy what you were trying to do with your writing.

BUT, if you're writing under a page constraint (or just doing it way too much and overwriting like a madman), it helps to be able to offer more information on the page, in less space.

It's just a good practice to get into and look out for.

Thanks for the reply Dreamscale. It's always great when people point things out I am not aware of and even better when they explain what they are. thanks for that.

I think you're too busy with the ss writers vs 'pro' writers at the moment to respond my thread - sob sob

Yeah, no shit!  I have a problem sometimes getting overly worked up over such small, meaningless stuff.  It drives me crazy when I try to be so crystal clear, and people don't have a clue what I'm talking about or why.  ARGH!!!!

Anyways, hopefully, that other thread is now dead.

Dead Thread? They were a good rock band back in the day.

Now that'd be a good title for a film... Or a book.

Eoin,

An exposition of how reality TV exploits the deluded and (quite possibly) mentaly ill contestants, on these, so called, talent shows. Why else, would they spend so much time on the talentless?

Like Thorton, if something like this hasn't already happened, it soon will.

I enjoyed this. Sure, there were a few grammatical errors and the use of the word SURGERY had everyone outside the UK puzzled. But IMO this wasn't too distracting.

You will get pulled up on the orphans, (unless you're a pro) and in truth they do need to be tightened up.

I don't agree with RV here.

Dialect is fine in dialogue. Keep it out of your descriptions.

You need to use perfect English, like what I do. Ha, ha.

Needs a little work Eoin, but a good attempt none the less.

keep em comin mate.

Quoted from malcolm3 I enjoyed this. Sure, there were a few grammatical errors and the use of the word SURGERY had everyone outside the UK puzzled. But IMO this wasn't too distracting. You will get pulled up on the orphans, (unless you're a pro) and in truth they do need to be tightened up. I don't agree with RV here. Dialect is fine in dialogue. Keep it out of your descriptions. You need to use perfect English, like what I do. Ha, ha. Needs a little work Eoin, but a good attempt none the less. keep em comin mate.

Allow me to retort, M3. Is that near Bristol. I like being near Bristol. Both of them.

I'd also say this, it depends who you're writing for. You can write plain old general stuff that the vast majority could understand. Or you can get into style and dialects and all that. If it's clear what you're writing: I say go with the style. As long as it's interesting and reasonably understandable I don't see a problem. In fact I see the very opposite. The antonym.

Aka The Anti Santa.

"Er, I'm still on that feckin' Ireland. Are those my feet?

Spoon. Curtains. Gobshite." Long live Fr Hackett p.p.

R xo

Beautiful Songs of Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPPi58K6wZs

I would agree RV, if it was consistent throughout the script. In fact I've read many a fine script written in regional tone both in dialogue and action. It just has to be consistent and it's not.

Eoin,

The theme is strong here. TV doesn't care to use people and their dreams to boost their ratings.

As I read along, I came to appreciate and even like the non-linear structure. However, I have to say that the first few scenes were a bit confusing. Too many very short scenes with different characters made it difficult (at first) to figure out what was the story about.

Like I said, I liked the non-linear approach, and by all means I think you should keep it. I would only suggest to be more up front about the premise and show the audience the dramatic throughline before going crazy on the cross-cutting.

While the theme rings true, I found this to be a bit depressing. Maybe it's me because I usually don't dig dramas, but I would have prefered to see a main character who was in a better position to "fight" back (even if he doesn't "succeed").

Seen the guy taking the abuse is part of the premise, no doubt, but I would have liked to se the protagonist doing something about his problem.

Still, an interesting tale. Thanks for sharing.  

@ Mr. Z: Thanks for the read and the comments. I think you're the first person who actually liked the non linear approach! I intend to make it alot clearer to read, by using time stamped slugs etc. The version I am working on at the moment is a much changed beast from the one currently posted.

I can understand your comments about Adam trying to fight back. I usually favour a more balanced approach. As you also said, it's part of the premise. If he did fight back even a little bit etc, would it be that credible for him to take his own life?But, he's not in a position to. Sort of the point. He's helpless. In the final throws of a deep depression. People in that mind set don't really see a way out. The one way Adam does see out, is reality TV. The final nail in the coffin, so to speak.

I'm giving him a little bit more backstory at present and cutting out alot of fluffy bits that just distract from the core of the story.

If people are left thinking after reading this, even though a little depressed, then that's the goal accomplished. Appreciate the input.