Paper Dreams by Eoin O' Sullivan (badbaz) - Short, Drama - Adam, a lonely soul, takes steps to resolve his misery. 7 pages - pdf, format

I had problems getting into this script, Eoin.  And as I managed to get into it, it was over.

I can only assume that you're from outside the USA (not that this is a problem) by how you use the word SURGERY in your headers.  It took me a while to realize it wasn't an operating room but, rather, a psychiatrist's office.  Maybe if you described the scene a little better.

While I think this is a good story, it needs to be fleshed out a little more.  You need to show Adam's torment a little better.  I just didn't feel for him.

As far as formatting, you don't need to give every line of narration it's own paragraph.  It wastes space and makes the read a little clunky.


Phil

Thanks for the read Phil.

You'd be correct in assuming that Surgery doesn't refer to an operating room, neither does it refer to a psychiatrict's office. It's what we call a GP's Surgery, General Practioner's Surgery, or simply surgery for short.

As for the formatting, can't say I agree with you on that one! That was a very deliberate choice on my part regards pacing. I think nothing makes a read more clunky that paragraphs that are too big. In a feature, sure, real estate is at a premium and use it wisely.

If anything I think it's the dialouge that's too flat with this script, which I intend to chnage before production.

Thanks again for your comments, appreciate it.

I understand what your saying about long descriptions but I think you can combine some of your descriptions and shorten them a little.  With each 'paragraph' the reader does pause a bit before reading the next one.

Quoted Text A road cleaves a path through an otherwise barren and bleak landscape. A solitary grey crow perched on a telephone pole breaks the silence with a shrill caw.

Can be shortened to:

Quoted Text A road divides a barren and bleak landscape.  A crow CAWS from atop a telephone pole.

Your description took five lines on the page.  Mine takes one (maybe two).  Concern for real estate is valid in shorts, too.


Phil

Eoin,

I don't think SURGERY qualifies as a slug. Maybe OPERATING ROOM. Also, you don't really set a scene for us to visualize when you take us there. You just intro two people then leave. I don't get what we're looking at.

Also, now that I've finished, why was he in surgery?? I assume he was just a mentally unstable person.

CUSTOMER
And this helps how, huh? You
stood right there and said this
was the best on the market.
Absolute crap, I’m complaining
you to the manager.

Dunno if English is your first language, but this didn't sound right. Instead of "I'm complaining you to the manager." Maybe, "I want to speak to your manager."

On page 4 we go back to Adam's room and he's chillin in bed with the remote in his hand. After he was slumped over his bed cutting himself with razor blades?? Need to give us more detail. can't tell if these flashbacks are going forwards or backwards. Also, I have no idea what the purpose of that scene was. Maybe if he was watching Claire on TV. But he's just in bed with the remote and then we leave again.

Overall, I liked the story, just not the writing. You need to be a bit better in your descriptions. So I take it you're ranting about shows like "American Idol" pissing on people who can't sing a lick? Hope so, Cuz that's why I liked it. I watched that show the first couple years. Always wondered how these idiots made it to the three main judges. They wanted to let some people go through for them to make fun of. And yes, it was for ratings.

Like I said, I think your writing needs a good deal of work here. But you've got a decent story in place. Hope this helped some.

James

Hi James,
                Thanks for the read. I see your point about SURGERY - it seems to be causing a bit of confusion. As I pointed out to Phil, from an American point of view, SURGERY seems like an odd  choice, but in Ireland, thats the room where you meet a doctor or GP.

English is my first language. Again cultural differences in the way people speak, might seem like taht's 'incorrect' Emglish. I have never come across a large demographic of people in any country who speak perfect English, with the exception of maybe a first rate college campus who are studying, or majoring as you guys say, in it.

This is not meant to read like perfect English, it's colloquialism. For example people in the UK say things like 'I'm stopping here' when they really mean, 'I'm staying here'. So that choice of wording on my part is very deliberate.

As for the sequence in which things are shown, no it's not linear in structure. Why did I choose to do that? Well, to me it fits in with the kernel of the story and Adams character. As you say, the motive for writing this is point out that people who can't sing are put through for our entertainment and for ratings. That is not obvious to everyone. Also Adam's metal state is echoed in the structure, or at least that's the idea.

Adam was watching a recording of his audition on TV. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough, point taken.

Thanks for the comments

Eoin

Hi Eoin,

So some writing stuff first....

A cut throat razorblade – do you mean cut-throat razor?

Knowingly exploited, is that
what you’re saying? The comma doesn’t work in the middle of this: it’s either a semi-colon or a full stop or even……

The crowd files their
way through the metal maze towards the entrance. You don’t need ‘their way’.

He trusts. Do you mean thrusts?

I’m complaining
you to the manager. You don’t need the ‘you’.

While I understand. Should this be ‘whilst’?

That’s good I’m glad you have a
focus. You need something between the ‘good’ and the ‘I’m’ a ‘-‘ perhaps.

Adam smoothes out a crumpled piece of paper, the smudged
words are scratched in an erratic fashion. You need to sort out these commas in the middle of sentences – they’re not commas….they need to be full-stops or semi-colons.

A CREW MEMBER approach. I think you mean approaches.

A cluster of blinding lights rain down from above. Clusters don’t usually rain down as far as I’m aware. Nothing big here, but this sentence doesn’t work.

Adams
face fills the TV screen. You forgot the ‘

I’m hardly suggesting that they
would knowingly put someone with
a mental health problem on TV
for ratings. Clumsy wording – this can be tightened.

but your
vocals Adam need a lot of work. Need some commas in this sentence.

Ok, so a few grammatical things with the writing. Personnally, I don't think there's anything significant enough in here to make this an issue, so on to the story....

This is an interesting premise; given the amount of (crap) reality talent shows on British TV it's topical to say the least. At some point, you're story will be reflected in real life (if it hasn't already). So well done: you're writing something here with a point and that (in my very humble opinion) should be applauded. I have an inkling something like this has been done before. I'm certainly not accusing you of plaguerism, but there is a familiarity to this. My biggest criticism is simply that it needs more. So a guy gets rejected in front of millions of tv viewers on TV...he's hurt....he already has a mental health problem....he commits suicide. Nothing surprising in this (except perhaps this hasn't happened in real life). Unless I'm missing something, I want more. A surprise.....a twist....something. For me, you're nearly there, but this needs something else to take it to the next level.

Hope this helps,
Cheers
Thornton

Greetings Eoin,

Thanks for sharing your material, I appreciate the read!
I relate to the subject matter and tone of your words.

The major technical snafu I had was I could never tell when we were in flashback.
I kept getting lost, which means I lost the pace of your work and had to review lots.

I think you're on to something here, but it needs more.
This story could be told in four pages, I'd like to learn more in the other three.

Thanks a bunch for posting! Good on you!

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks for posting!

Good message but I also found I was getting lost and confused between flashbacks and present. I understand the non linear structure. That makes sense and as a filmmaker I understand that visually the ambiguity would disappear on screen. But I still believe the script needs to be unambiguous - after all, even if you're the filmmaker (which intake it you are?) your actors and crew must be able to read the script without ambiguity or else you'll end up making extra work for yourself having to explain things to actors and crew that should be apparent (and visually evocative) from just the script.  IMO it's hard to write a solid script when you're the one making the film. We "see" the production and sometimes the script suffers for it if we aren't careful.

Good premise though. My only suggestion is to improve the transitions between present and flashbacks.

@ Paul - Thanks for the read - I know you're looking for more out of this story and it could have a few twists in it, but i want the story to be simple and thought provoking. If the finished item leaving you thinking, well then it's achieved its goal. If not, then it fell completety flat.

@Electric Dreamer - Thanks for the read and comments - i think what it lacks is a proper backstory for Adam. Everyone seems to be annoyed about the Flashbacks! And Surgery! Oh, did i forget the way my characters speak in perfectly incorrect english!? Love the avatar!

@ MPaige - Thanks for the read and comments - I agree with you wholeheartedly. As this is a site where people post scripts, work has to be judged with writing in mind. I do need to keep a tighter reign on that aspect of it. The rewrite will include sluglines with a proper time. That should clear up the confusion when reading it.

Quoted from Eoin @Electric Dreamer - Thanks for the read and comments - i think what it lacks is a proper backstory for Adam. Everyone seems to be annoyed about the Flashbacks! And Surgery! Oh, did i forget the way my characters speak in perfectly incorrect english!? Love the avatar!

Yeah, grounding Adam as a character and clearly written flashbacks would help lots.
I have lots of friends across the pond, I had no problems understanding.
LOL, thanks about the icon, its from a friend's movie he made in the 80s. =p

E.D.

Hi Eoin,

Please don't get me wrong....I think this is a good story with a thought-provoking premise. More than anything I think it's topical and has strength in today's mad media world. Personally, I have no problems with the structure, nor the surgery. It alll made sense in a slightly off-centre way, which for me added to the tone. I also like the simplicity of it.

In retrospect, my choice of the word 'twist' was probably not a wise one. I dont want you to make it more complicated with a series of twists, I just think to turn it from good to very good, it needs something more. What that 'more' is, I don't know, but I reckon it's about Adam and it might simply be one or two additional scenes, on his background, or why he's already so near to mental break-down. Why does he think he can sing in the first place? What's driving him to enter this competition? Something.

Hope that makes sense,
Thornton

Hey Eoin, good to see you're already posting scripts.  You're going about it the right way...read other scripts, post comments, post your own scripts.  Cool.

Sorry to say, but there are so many problems going on here.  I started taking page by page notes and decided to stop, as they were piling up.  I think you've received some good feedback already with some issues...here's a bit more...

You don't want to include your title on page 1.

Watch your orphans...you've got 2 in the first 3 sentences.

Is Claire some sort of doctor?  If so, you need to make us aware of this through your writing...in her description, something.

"ADAM'S ROOM" - What is this supposed to mean?  Is it where he lives?  If so, are you saying he lives in a single room somewhere?  How about "apartment", flat", "house", etc., followed by the room he's actually in, inside the actual structure?

I'm assuming there are numerous Flashbacks here that you didn't label.  You need to.  It's impossible to follow without.

"bunting buffets" - HUH?

You have a bunch of scenes that are identical to the last except for a "LATER" or whatever.  When you have this take place, just use a Mini Slug "LATER".

I see there is more going on here than meets the eye, in terms of story, theme, and overall meaning, which is good.  For me, though, it doesn't do much based on the poor writing, and lack of labeled Flashbacks.

Good effort though.  Looking forward to seeing more.

@ dreamsclae - thanks for the read, appreciate it!

Claire is a GP, a general practioner - she's an ordinary doctor. It's a remote rural location, hence the opening shot - Adam doesn't have access to, or the money to see a psychiatrist.

Everyone assume they are flashbacks, they are not. The structure is just not linear.

bunting buffets - assuming you know what bunting is? alot like security tape - buffets - no not the plural of food served for general consumption - beffets as in the boat was buffeted in the rough sea - no? oh well!

A rewrite is currently under way. Thanks for the input!

A naggen of vodka? You're definitely from the ROI. Either that or a damn good researcher. It's those little touches...

Overall I'd say it moves a little too fast. I'm left wanting more. Which is better than wanting less.

It's got potential. And potential is what can sell.

Dialogue and scenes are good. I'd be extremely interested to see how it work if filmed.

Is the Cheque in the post yet EOS? Ah shure, what can ye do?

KIU.

R xo

Thanks Rendevous. I researched naggen  by staring into the bottom of a few, does that count? ROI to the core. I think the Irish flavour of writing is a little lost on some people, but I did get alot of good feedback in terms of format. And you spelled cheque the right way - only da thickos from da island ha?

@ Dreamscale - didn't get what you meant by orphans? You'll have to excuse me, i'm a bit slow

Hi, Eoin, you've been reading on the board, so I might as well give you a review.

I'm having problems understanding the details of the story, but I think I got the gist of it. So Adam is having mental issues and he committed suicide? If there's something more to this, please enlighten me. If not, then you might need another hook in your story.

The major issues I have is the jumping back and forth between scenes. I lost track of the story. I need to orient myself as to which scenes are flashbacks and which ones are happening now. It might be better to put in FLASHBACK within your slugs.

There are many things happening all at once and I'm sure if they all connect to each other. There's the surgery, the Channel 7 studio, Adam's room, Wired Electronics, and the Harmony Audition. The only scene that is more understandable for me is the Wire Electronics one.

Another thing is your slugline. What is INT. SURGERY? Do you mean INT. OPERATION ROOM?

Anyway, I think there are some better ways to execute your premise. Try to make the timeline simpler. And make the writing snappier and shorter.


Herman

Quoted from Eoin @ Dreamscale - didn't get what you meant by orphans? You'll have to excuse me, i'm a bit slow

Orphans are single words that take up the entire line. You could've shortened the sentence.

(The word "sentence" above in an orphan)

Hi Coding Herman, I have seen your Green Dragon around! Never came across the term 'orphans' in a sentence in any of the books I read on screenwriting. Maybe i should take a class. Or two. Thanks for the heads up. To be forearmed is to be forewarned.

Neither have I came across "orphans" in screenwriter books. I don't think it's a requirement to get rid of orphans, but it's good practice to avoid them. Orphans aren't that appealing to the eyes.

Hey Eoin, sorry for not responding, but for some reason, I didn't get an E-Mail that there were new responses on this thread.

Yeah, orphans are when you have a sentence, and the last word is on its own line, basically wasting a line. It's usually pretty simple to do away with them, by using crisper, tighter prose.

Do you have to do it?  No, definitely not.

Can you always do away with them?  Nah, there are times when the sentence just (or the sentence before it) is good as is, and to do away with the little fella, would destroy what you were trying to do with your writing.

BUT, if you're writing under a page constraint (or just doing it way too much and overwriting like a madman), it helps to be able to offer more information on the page, in less space.

It's just a good practice to get into and look out for.

Thanks for the reply Dreamscale. It's always great when people point things out I am not aware of and even better when they explain what they are. thanks for that.

I think you're too busy with the ss writers vs 'pro' writers at the moment to respond my thread - sob sob

Yeah, no shit!  I have a problem sometimes getting overly worked up over such small, meaningless stuff.  It drives me crazy when I try to be so crystal clear, and people don't have a clue what I'm talking about or why.  ARGH!!!!

Anyways, hopefully, that other thread is now dead.

Dead Thread? They were a good rock band back in the day.

Now that'd be a good title for a film... Or a book.

Eoin,

An exposition of how reality TV exploits the deluded and (quite possibly) mentaly ill contestants, on these, so called, talent shows. Why else, would they spend so much time on the talentless?

Like Thorton, if something like this hasn't already happened, it soon will.

I enjoyed this. Sure, there were a few grammatical errors and the use of the word SURGERY had everyone outside the UK puzzled. But IMO this wasn't too distracting.

You will get pulled up on the orphans, (unless you're a pro) and in truth they do need to be tightened up.

I don't agree with RV here.

Dialect is fine in dialogue. Keep it out of your descriptions.

You need to use perfect English, like what I do. Ha, ha.

Needs a little work Eoin, but a good attempt none the less.

keep em comin mate.

Quoted from malcolm3 I enjoyed this. Sure, there were a few grammatical errors and the use of the word SURGERY had everyone outside the UK puzzled. But IMO this wasn't too distracting. You will get pulled up on the orphans, (unless you're a pro) and in truth they do need to be tightened up. I don't agree with RV here. Dialect is fine in dialogue. Keep it out of your descriptions. You need to use perfect English, like what I do. Ha, ha. Needs a little work Eoin, but a good attempt none the less. keep em comin mate.

Allow me to retort, M3. Is that near Bristol. I like being near Bristol. Both of them.

I'd also say this, it depends who you're writing for. You can write plain old general stuff that the vast majority could understand. Or you can get into style and dialects and all that. If it's clear what you're writing: I say go with the style. As long as it's interesting and reasonably understandable I don't see a problem. In fact I see the very opposite. The antonym.

Aka The Anti Santa.

"Er, I'm still on that feckin' Ireland. Are those my feet?

Spoon. Curtains. Gobshite." Long live Fr Hackett p.p.

R xo

Beautiful Songs of Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPPi58K6wZs

I would agree RV, if it was consistent throughout the script. In fact I've read many a fine script written in regional tone both in dialogue and action. It just has to be consistent and it's not.

Eoin,

The theme is strong here. TV doesn't care to use people and their dreams to boost their ratings.

As I read along, I came to appreciate and even like the non-linear structure. However, I have to say that the first few scenes were a bit confusing. Too many very short scenes with different characters made it difficult (at first) to figure out what was the story about.

Like I said, I liked the non-linear approach, and by all means I think you should keep it. I would only suggest to be more up front about the premise and show the audience the dramatic throughline before going crazy on the cross-cutting.

While the theme rings true, I found this to be a bit depressing. Maybe it's me because I usually don't dig dramas, but I would have prefered to see a main character who was in a better position to "fight" back (even if he doesn't "succeed").

Seen the guy taking the abuse is part of the premise, no doubt, but I would have liked to se the protagonist doing something about his problem.

Still, an interesting tale. Thanks for sharing.  

@ Mr. Z: Thanks for the read and the comments. I think you're the first person who actually liked the non linear approach! I intend to make it alot clearer to read, by using time stamped slugs etc. The version I am working on at the moment is a much changed beast from the one currently posted.

I can understand your comments about Adam trying to fight back. I usually favour a more balanced approach. As you also said, it's part of the premise. If he did fight back even a little bit etc, would it be that credible for him to take his own life?But, he's not in a position to. Sort of the point. He's helpless. In the final throws of a deep depression. People in that mind set don't really see a way out. The one way Adam does see out, is reality TV. The final nail in the coffin, so to speak.

I'm giving him a little bit more backstory at present and cutting out alot of fluffy bits that just distract from the core of the story.

If people are left thinking after reading this, even though a little depressed, then that's the goal accomplished. Appreciate the input.