Quoted from mcornetto Romano cheese and Julienne fries.  Now I'm all hungry.   Pretty good to base a script on a classic.  I wish I had the discipline to approach something like that.  Whenever, I try something like that it always ends up nothing like the original.  This is recognisible - so good job on that score. The dialogue and the narration was well done.  I would have liked to see the Narrator named - if not at the beginning then at the end.  It was distracting to  see narrator the whole time when you knew it was going to be one of the girls in the script and since there was only one girl...I understand why you didn't name her to begin with, I'm just not sure you need to do that. I thought some of the silliness during the fight was also distracting and would suggest a decision about how to go with it - silly all the way or serious with light comedy. Good work.

Michael.

Thanks for the read. This one was a trip to put together.
I sat down with West Side Story and took a few notes to help me out.
It did take some serious discipline to capture the tone of WSS and R&J.
I don't think I totally nailed it, but I'm moving in the right direction.
I think there's enough here to merit revisiting the material for another draft.
I agree there's some Narrator identity vagueness I could sharpen.
I like to be ambitious with these mental floss shorts and see if I can pull it off.
Never written anything remotely like this before, and boy was it fun.
The best way for me to learn is to bite off more than I can chew and go with it.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Regards,
E.D.

B-man!
Whaddap?!


Lookit your fancy WGA reg! You look so... grown up and mature when you do that.
Maybe I'll grow up someday and quit being such a putzer.

Ding! Ding! Ding!
Positive reinforcement! Positive reinforcement!

Yeah. I ran across that "Who the h3ll is narrating this?!" thing back with my first butcher house thingie.
I don't think much of it, but the rest of the planet gets up in arms over this surprisingly critical issue.  
Gotta specify your narrators, even male or female, and certainly if it's one of the characters.
For FALLEN they musta had a duck.

Okay!
Read it straight through with no significant hitches.
Pretty impressive.

Yeah, it does waffle back and forth between regular, silly-fun and a little too serious.
Your contemporary Capulet and Montague scenario is well constructed.
I don't have a problem with teens speaking in cliches.
Kids are too inexperienced to know otherwise. Lookit the teen submissions we get here.  
The exchange on the sign catwalk was beautiful.
Favorite line: "The pair use the valentine placard to 'shake hands'."  That was really nice.

So, at this point the story has gone from white bread setup into corn bread romance.
Fine.
Cool.

Then it turns into... fruitcake.
Fine.
Cool.
Your scenario is an action riot!
It's great!

And then "Ray drives the butcher knife into Matt from behind."

DUUUUUUDE?! W? T? H?!

Kiss the bleeding boy - Sparks shower endlessly - Tra-la-la-la-la! - And we never really know WTH happened to poor Matt.

(Doesn't look like anyone was too hot to call an ambulance as the obligatory crane shot pulls out while "The lovers kiss as sparks and rain dance around their feet.")
But wait... !

Here, hava heart cookie.
THE END

Uh....

I see that you were gunning for an emotional roller coaster.
For me this was more of a style mosaic of distinct quality pieces abutted to one another.

Overall I liked it despite the herky-jerkiness of its flow (an issue which director commentaries go on and on endlessly about).

Quoted from LC I think you're all being nitpickety (which is actually our job, & I will be a bit below too, but...) This is wonderful! Should be 'Short Script of the Day'.

Hey LC!

Thanks for the read.
I'm glad you got some pleasure out of this timely valentine.
Would have been something if this was randomly picked on 2/14 as short of the day!

Quoted from LC It's like a hybrid of Rebel without a Cause, Amelie, obv. West Side Story, & Baz Lurman's R&J. All of them came to mind when I was reading this. I think the soppy & serious blend make it what it is. I half expected the characters to break into song and some of the action sequences read like chess moves.

Wow, Amelie. That's some nice company to be even mentioned near.
I tried hard to discipline myself to capture the flavor of those stories here.
It's not something I normally dabble in, so this was quite an education for me.

Quoted from LC I don't have a problem with the breaking up of the spaced action lines. Made it easier to read and keep track. In the interest of 'feedback' - I've got to wonder at you using Intercut when you did (cld be wrong?). This does require a second read. And, this particular wording irritated me -  'door opens some' 'the apron lifts some'.

You and James both have valid points about the action description.
I will reevaluate this in a new draft.
Perhaps stick to action staking for the actual montage/intercuts.
I have seen "Intercut" dome this way on a few scripts here.
So, i thought I would give it a try.
This is the first script I've ever had, V.O., flashbacks and montages.
It's all new tools I'm trying to get comfortable with.
You have a good point about the "some", that will change.

Quoted from LC And in the interests of making this truly romantic I would change Matt's line prior to the flashback - the one where he says, 'Can't do that to my father... family would be devastated' etc. As with Romeo & Juliet they're aware of this already. Their love means this is exactly what will happen, but they do it anyway because they've no choice - they're in love. Brett, you lost me there for a mo'. Guy comes across as a wimp and Daddy's boy. You do fix it further on, but still, I'd change it, because... ... there's no question Matt will run off with her! He'd chose Emily over his father. He has to. Please change that line or just have him give her a 'look' re the gravity of their decision & the obv. consequences.

Hmm, I can see how the dialogue there plays a bit on the nose.
I'll have to look at that, I'm planning a new draft later this month, likely.

Quoted from LC Lastly, I'm with Mc re the Narrator. Twas a bit jarring esp. at the end. I would change this to being the voices/characters of Mrs Almac and Mrs Demoula. Have Mrs Almac sprinkle cinnamon over the hot bun on the countertop and Mrs Demoula decorate a Petit Four. Would up the ante imo. Just a suggestion. Overall, inventive reincarnation of an old theme. Brilliant. Well done

If there's narration at the end of the new draft.
I agree with you that identifying the individual is a good idea.
This was a dense write for me, lots of elements in play every page.
And I missed some fairly basic things getting caught up in those details.

Thanks so much for your comments!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from jwent6688 I disagree. Thanks for calling me out. I guess I need to make my point. #1 your chewing up pages too fast. one minute= one page. I know you know that. screenwriting 101. Every bit of your action lines looks like a montage. Yes! Space every line in a montage scene. Tighten them otherwise. I actually think that helps the read IMO. I'm just used to it reading scripts with two or three lines of action grouped together between dialogue. If you ever wrote a feature like this it would be 150 pages... plus... James

James,

Heh, 150 page feature indeed.
There was such a wide visual palette for this one, some stuff got away from me.
I will try to minimize the action stacking outside the intercuts.
Look for those and other changes in the next draft.

Thanks again for tearing into my valentine!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from LC If it were a feature I'd prob. have a problem with it too. But it ain't.  It's a 'short'. Breaking it up actually helped guide me through and enabled me to visualise those action scenes better. No brush with you James, just interested to see how more SS'ers view it. I'll say no more, for now.

LC,

I can see how this style would grate on a feature.
I thought stacking the action might make the heavy visuals easier to digest.
Perhaps I took it a bit too far for some and need to look into that.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from grademan Hey Brett, Thanks for the VD story! I can see it was done along the lines of the classics as the rest have already noted. Interesting. Some comments.

Hey Gary!

Thanks for the valentine read and your welcome!
I thought it would be a trip to write a story in this vein.
It's totally outside my wheelhouse, so why not?
Shorts to me are mental floss for in between features.

Quoted from grademan STYLE CHOICES: NARRATOR is too generic. I prefer to know the name esp if one implies he is close to the story. V.O. for 10-15 line was a bit much. I kept going “let’s get to it.”

You're not the first to being up the narrator issue.
Honestly, when I started writing, I wasn't even sure who the narrator was.
And I think that ambiguity had led to these kinds of comments.
I'll make a change there and reevaluate the length of the voice over. Thanks.

Quoted from grademan INTERCUTS were confusing. I assumed you were intercutting by line. Still hard to follow. SINGLE line description is close to action stacking which may be a little intense for a romantic tale. Actually, when I read this, I hit the return carriage on my mental typewriter every time I finished a line.  Looked nice,

The INTERCUT is something I picked up from some scripts here.
Thought I would give it a try since this script has a music video quality to it.
I went with action stacking because of the nature of the visuals too.
I'll refine those ideas in the next draft.
I'd entertain any proposed alternatives for the INTERCUT style too.

Quoted from grademan OTHER STUFF Favorite lines: MATT That’s a nice first name. EMILY I like your first name too. Favorite ready to dance moment: MATT You’re on. Tonight, we rumble. Favorite moment: Knife tip trembles a millimeter shy of Emily’s stomach, Favorite name; DeMoulas (the money?) GARY

I'm glad there were several "signature" moments for you in the script.
I tried to set up as much iconic imagery and dialogue as I could.
It's kinda like icon stacking when emulating so many classic elements in 13 pages.
I may have gone a bit too far with the tragic stuff in the first draft, we'll see.
Demoulas was the actual name of the supermarket in my neighborhood.
It's way too cool a name for me to make up, I swear!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DeMoulas/Market_Basket

I'm glad that this story was able to work some magic on you.
I'm pretty stoked about reworking it for another draft.
I hope you had a good valentine day yourself!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Ryan1 Brett, I liked a lot of your descriptions, "Angular ice blue text glows and hums."  Really set the scene well for what was to follow.  Dialogue was okay, but I think you overused the narrator at the beginning, as his VOs ran for two pages. R&J is always good source material.  Having two rival markets was a novel twist on this.

Ryan,

Thanks for taking the time to give this a read.
Always good to see you around, how the Christmas script work out?
I agree about the narrator, that's been trimmed and re-purposed in the new draft.
The rival market store layout is true, my hometown when I was a wee lad.
In my mind, I saw them have turf wars after hours, I was a weird kid.
Somehow that translated into me writing out this valentine fable.

Quoted from Ryan1 The rumble in the parking lot was funny.  Reminded me a lot of the free-for-all battle in Anchorman because it was so over the top.  Then the joust scene was right out of Jackass.

Heh, two movies that never occurred to me when I wrote this, but I see your point.
I always dig it when folks see stuff like that and make those kind of connections.
With short in particular, I always put it all on the table and go for broke.
I just try to structure the set up so the over the top stuff works for the reader.

Quoted from Ryan1 But, then the tone takes this jarring turn when Ray plunges the butcher knife into Matt.   It made no sense to me and frankly I think it sabotaged the end of the script.  They go from slapping price tags on each other to that?  I understand you were sticking to the R&J storyline there, but the original stayed true to its tone throughout the story while yours jumped from light hearted farce to deadly serious drama.

You know, I don't disagree with you.
All I can say is on the day, that's just how it came out of me.
I decided to go for broke and shoehorn full blown tragedy on top of everything else.
I don't regret the decision, I swung for the bleachers to see if it would work.
I'd rather try and know it doesn't fit, than play it safe.
I'd much rather have to reel in a second draft than try to punch it up.
There will be a tonal change to the second draft, for sure.

Quoted from Ryan1    Some of the exchanges in that last scene were a little cringe-worthy:  "His blood is the same color as mine, and yours." And to go from a death scene to a shot of cinnamon bun with heart frosting and being wished "Happy Valentines Day" was another jarring tonal shift. Overall, I liked the piece up until the stabbing.  Then it fell apart, IMO.  But good on ya for trying something new. Ryan

That blood dialogue will more than likely hit the floor in the second draft.
It felt Shakespearean at the time, so I went with it.
I was happy with how this came out overall.
I honestly didn't know if I had a romantic fable inside me to bring to life.
It was thrilling to get out of my manly "wheelhouse" with this one, felt great.
Look for a second draft post Scar Tissue OWC.
Thanks again for your time. I wish you the best with your original properties.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from reuel51 I've made the same decision before with stacking the action line by line. When I read my own, it made sense and read fast. I couldn't understand why some of the feedback I got had a problem with the action. The biggest gripe seemed to be "too much action". After reading this, I've realized it wasn't too much action, it was that everything was broken up so much that the readers were dwelling on every little bit of action as if the one sentence was going to have tremendous meaning in the end. What this does is causes readers to expend a lot of mental energy remembering each and every move that every character is making. It's tiresome and that is why they complained about "too much action"

Brian,

Thanks muchly for giving my script your time.
Action description format is a tricky fickle beast.
The nuances of the rules change from genre to genre it seems.
And that's cool, I like the challenge of a moving target.
Yes, action stacking does seem to draw extra attention most of the time.
It's something I'll be more sensitive about in the second draft.
I think making my intercuts stand out with punctuation might help too.

Quoted from reuel51 No, I don't think you have too much action, I just think you need to combine some of the action lines together, that way, I, the reader, can pick and choose which specific actions are the most important to me, and I will skim over the rest. I still get the overall picture in my head, but now, I'm not holding onto every single price sticker pattern left on a DaMoulas or an Almacs.

There will be less action stacking in teh second draft, about 50% less.
And I will distinguish the intercut sequences to assist the read.

Quoted from reuel51 Anyway, I really liked what you've done with a classic theme. The silliness of using supermarkets was brilliant, and it played well into the parking lot rumble. The fight was fun and over the top. But then the stabbing came, and as others have mentioned, the tone of the script took such a sharp turn, it was jarring. Then it turns again to something profound about blood being the same color. I like that Ray takes things too far, but to stab and kill the guy? That was too much for what the rest of the script is about. We're watching teenage boys fight with bread and sticker guns. If Ray was to walk up to Matt and simply cold cock him in the nose, breaking it and causing blood to gush, you would keep within the confines of the silly tone. That's just a thought. Kudos on putting out a Valentine's day script. This was a fun read. Brian

I'm glad enjoyed the shift from romantic to over the top stock boy gang fights.
My childhood memories are full of that kind of stuff from my home town.
It was a lot of fun to harness one of those and wrangle it into a valentine script.
I admit, the tragic element does not quite jibe.
But at the time on the day, I just went for it.
I didn't want to secretly wonder if I could have pulled it off.
Better to lay it all on the line and have to rein the story in subsequent drafts.
I've never written anything like this before, it was a lot of fun.
Look for the second draft in early March.
If there's something you want eyes on, let me know!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Craiger6 Hey E.D., I’ve really appreciated the feedback you’ve given me on some of my stuff, and I know you are always going out of your way to read others’ stuff, so I wanted to pipe in here.

Hey Craig!

It's great to hear my ramblings have offered you some insight.
Thanks for taking the time to go through this little valentine.

Quoted from Craiger6 I thought this was very interesting, and while I enjoyed it for the most part, there were also some things that I was on the fence about.  As James mentioned in the first comment, initially, I got the feeling that this was too back and forth between serious and silly.  However, the more I think about it, I think that was clearly your intent.  I’m not sure how I feel about it one way or the other, but kudos for sticking to your guns and having fun with it.

Oh yah, at some point in the writing process, the "tragedy button" got pushed.
For better or worse, I got obsessed with the idea of going that route.
I agree the result is uneven, but I'm pleased I saw my vision through.
I'd much rather have to pull the tone back then be timid and try to expand it later.
The second draft reflects these changes in tone and I'm pretty stoked about them.

Quoted from Craiger6 All in all, I think it was a successful effort and good read.  Some of the dialogue worked better for me than other parts.  I kind of agree with Ryan about the whole “his blood is the same color as mine…” line.  I also picked out another one.

The dialogue is a mix of Shakespearean and 20th century vernacular.
In the process, some cheese may have slipped through the filter.
The "blood" line is not in the second draft.
What was the other line you picked out?

Quoted from Craiger6 Anyway, below are some notes I took while reading: P.3 – “We can’t keep meeting like this.” Forgive me, but it seems kind of cliché.  I think you’ve got better chops than that. And you prove me right in the next scene.  I love the idea of having them fall for each other on this catwalk.  I thought this was really cool, and loved the way you set it up.  Very inventive. P. 5 – “I don’t make deals, but I do make promises.” Nice line.

p. 3 That line is the way it is, to set up the "job interview" joke.
       I'll take a look at it again today and see how it reads.

I'm pretty thrilled with the catwalk flashback.
It's my first flashback ever in a script.
It's a mash up of the R&J balcony scene and the ladders in "The Fantasticks".
But uses the supermarket motif to pay homage to both those stories.
I had a ball using modern sets to invoke those classic stories.
It's like putting a fresh coat of paint on a tried and true story.

Quoted from Craiger6 P. 7 – “RAY: Then we settle it with a rumble.” So, I realize we’ve got a Romeo & Juliet meets Westside Story going on here, but I think I would have preferred you to contemporize the dialogue.  This is a stupid example, but maybe make the characters some meat heads from the Jersey Shore.  I know, I know, that’s a shitty idea, but the point is you can make them talk and sound like kids from 2011 and still get your point across. (Updated after reading: As I said earlier, I think it was clearly your intention to toggle back and forth between serious and silly, so maybe some contemporary guidos talking the way guidos talk, night actually work well for you here.  I don’t know, just a thought.

I really appreciate you going above and beyond with your detailed suggestion.
I did think of something along those lines, but I didn't use it and here's why...
I wanted to play the "race card" through the family names and store colors only.
Bringing actual racial stereotypes into it kills the timeless quality of the story.
Timelessness in a script is more about what you don't use than what you do.
And I wanted to do my best to capture that so the story resonates with all races.

Quoted from Craiger6 P. 9 – “A chubby Demoula boy takes the bread upside the head. He grimaces and falls, out cold. Ray leans over the fallen comrade. He rips the dough in half and sniffs the insides. He tests a piece and spits it out.” Haha, well done.  Nice imagery. Anyway, I thought this was a nice effort Brett, and I enjoyed it.  Thanks for sharing and I hope this helps. Craig

Heh, that "testing the bread" thing just happened on the page in the moment.
Sourdough is a very dense bread, which makes for a better projectile.
Yeah, I know, I'm weird, but the devilish fun is in the details.
Having the boys treat the absurd battle seriously helps suspend reader disbelief.
As Ken Jeong says in "The Hangover", "It's funny because he's fat."

Thanks for the great comments, draft two will be up after the Scar Tissue OWC.

Let me know when you have some new work up.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from bert I decided to save your Valentine's Day script for Valentine's Day.  Thoughts as follows:    Right at the front, the period after DEMOULAS threw me for a bit -- occurring so early in the story, I did not recognize it as a slug.  Better to slap an EXT in front of it and lose the period.  And it should go without saying that I would give similar treatment to ALMACS.  And reading further still, you need to lose those slugline periods throughout.  Why are you even doing that?

Yikes! Replying a month later to your post. I'm such a douche. :/
Sorry, I missed this, Bert, my bad.

Wow, I have no idea why I broke mini slug format with the periods.
I will remove those unsightly periods from the new draft.
It's weird how you can get something in your head like that, as if it were fact.

Quoted from bert Is Ray a Demoula?  You should establish that up front, yes or no.  And a fine point -- later you mention the blood on Ray's apron, but the apron is red.  Not very visual at all.  Better white, or some other color.

Yes, it's stated through dialogue that Emily is Ray's younger sister.
But you are right, I should include that juicy tidbit in his intro.
I know I wrote it in there at some point that Ray's apron is actually white.
It's his way of standing out from the troops, so to speak.
I'll make these needed refinements in the new draft, thanks.

Quoted from bert I have buzzed over the comments, not terribly thorough, but I did notice some back and forth about the single-sentence descriptions.  For what it is worth, I say that is a great way to go.  White space, reads quicker, no problems.

What I think I'm going to do here is try to please both ends of the spectrum.
Intense punctuated action stacking for the two intercut scenes.
Then try to bunch up the rest of them into two lines of action when I can.
Hopefully this will tighten the pages but give it white space for visual splashes.

Quoted from bert The fight scene is wonderfully absurd, but I agree with the others that the stabbing is way too jarring for the tone you have established. I would recommend this fix:  Why not have Emily with her charging carts plunge into the center of the joust and the horrified boys thump HER instead of each other?  Of course the blow is not fatal, but you still maintain that sense of ironic tragedy the story demands, and you can continue with your conclusion mostly the way you have it -- but without the knives. This is not the sort of script I typically seek out, but I think you did a good job with it.  Some good humor, with a light touch.  But I would re-examine the overt violence that occurs late in the story, which kind of undermines what has gone before.

What can I say? I got caught in the moment on the page.
I decided to swing for the cheap seats and shoehorn full blown tragedy in there.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't regret going for broke, I like the fact I'm game enough to try it.
But I recognize it needs to be reigned back in for structure purposes.
I have a discarded idea from the first draft I'm going to use in place of back stabbing.
Hopefully between that and a narration and format polish, this will shine better.

Thanks for the insights, I'm really proud of this one, between you and I.
This story and tone is so outside my wheelhouse, I wasn't sure I could pull it off.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from RayW B-man! R-man! Lookit your fancy WGA reg! You look so... grown up and mature when you do that. Maybe I'll grow up someday and quit being such a putzer.

It appears I'm the putzer for missing this post from last month.
I'm embarrassed and apologize for the oversight.
I always register, never underestimate the laziness or immorality of the human race.
Between you and me, I like getting a little certificate in the mail too.

Quoted from RayW Yeah. I ran across that "Who the h3ll is narrating this?!" thing back with my first butcher house thingie. I don't think much of it, but the rest of the planet gets up in arms over this surprisingly critical issue.   Gotta specify your narrators, even male or female, and certainly if it's one of the characters. For FALLEN they musta had a duck.

Yeah, I pretty much agree with the criticism on the narrator vagueness.
Honestly, I'm not even sure if I knew whom the character was when I started.
I self imposed OWC rules on myself for this one.
It was my Valentine OWC for one, how very bachelor of me.
The V.O. will definitely get a clean up in the second draft.
LoL Fallen, that script must have a truckload of voice over.

Quoted from RayW Okay! Read it straight through with no significant hitches. Pretty impressive. Yeah, it does waffle back and forth between regular, silly-fun and a little too serious. Your contemporary Capulet and Montague scenario is well constructed. I don't have a problem with teens speaking in cliches. Kids are too inexperienced to know otherwise. Lookit the teen submissions we get here.   The exchange on the sign catwalk was beautiful. Favorite line: "The pair use the valentine placard to 'shake hands'."  That was really nice.

I had a goofy grin on my face the entire time I wrote that scene.
I thought it was an effective mash up of R&J and the ladder scene in The Fantasticks.
The supermarkets on the same corner is actually from my youth.
In my adolescent brain, I always saw them have gang fights after hours.
I guess you could say this is the first script to be somewhat autobiographical.

Quoted from RayW So, at this point the story has gone from white bread setup into corn bread romance. Fine. Cool. Then it turns into... fruitcake. Fine. Cool. Your scenario is an action riot! It's great!

Someone earlier in the thread said the fight made them think of Jackass.
It's not often you can invoke R&J and Jackass and make it work.
This script was way outside my comfort zone as far as genre goes.
Regardless of outcome, I was proud of myself for giving it a go at least.
This one was a very satisfying write for me.

Quoted from RayW And then "Ray drives the butcher knife into Matt from behind." DUUUUUUDE?! W? T? H?! Kiss the bleeding boy - Sparks shower endlessly - Tra-la-la-la-la! - And we never really know WTH happened to poor Matt. (Doesn't look like anyone was too hot to call an ambulance as the obligatory crane shot pulls out while "The lovers kiss as sparks and rain dance around their feet.") But wait... ! Here, hava heart cookie. THE END Uh.... I see that you were gunning for an emotional roller coaster. For me this was more of a style mosaic of distinct quality pieces abutted to one another. Overall I liked it despite the herky-jerkiness of its flow (an issue which director commentaries go on and on endlessly about).

What can I say? It seemed like a good idea at the time.
And I'm happy I went for it instead of playing it safe.
I'd much rather have to reel in a second draft, then have to kick it up some notches.
It was a lot of tone shifts in thirteen pages.
There was an unused action beat cut from the first draft.
I think I'm going to modify the gang fight and sharpen the narration.
Instead of invoking back stabby tragedy, I'll get another Shakespeare trope in there.
Thanks for the Valentine thoughts on the script.
Your comments are always welcome, pal!

So you uploading a coming of age leprechaun tale of vengeance this weekend?

Regards,
E.D.


***Second Draft Coming Soon***

Hey Bret,

I like to sit down and read a script all at once without any interruptions, and since I only had an hour before I started making dinner, I figured I'd check this out first and then 'Red Sun' after dinner.  (And dessert, if the kids are good.  So far, they're not.)

Anyway, I thought this was a cute little charming story.  Well, charming until the stabbing of course.

I saw you were trying to be true to both the comedy element and the romantic element of both WSS and R&J, so while I was reading, I'd figured you were going to be true to the tragic element of those stories.  So, even though I was waiting for it, the violence still caught me by surprise.  There's definately a shock factor in this story.

Honestly, I knew you were going to keep true to the stories, but I thought you'd stick with the lightheartedness version you had going.  I thought that, after Ray lost the joust, he would bombard Matt with all the bloodied steaks he had butchered that morning.  Then, Emily would come crying to Matt smothered in the bloody steak, and she would piss Ray off by her exclaiming she would become a vegetarian.  How would it stick to the plotline of R&J?  Because she would take out a bunch of green onions and start eating them and Ray calls out 'No!  There's a recall on those!  You're going to get a light food poisoning!'

Anyway, I kind of thought you were going to go down that kind of route with the ending.

I liked the story overall.  Like I said, it was cute and charming with a great little holiday motif.  The way you wrote your action I don't mind.  With the heavy action it really helped to separate what was happening.

I did get a little confused a couple of times though.  Like with the action lines at the end of page 11 going into page 12.  I wasn't sure if Ray had stabbed Emily or if Ray had gotten stabbed somehow.  It says blood driplets hit the ground and Emily's bloody hands grip the blade.  Were her hands bloody before she gripped the blade, or after she gripped the blade.  Then, later on it says Ray 'slumps' into his sister's arms.  The way that reads, it looks like Ray was stabbed.  But then somewhere it says the knife was millimeter's away from Emily's stomach, so I didn't think anybody got stabbed.

That part was a little confusing and I didn't notice anybody else mention anything about it in any of their posts, so maybe it was just me and I didn't comprehend something.

But it was a great Valentine's parody nonetheless.  It read very fast and smooth, so you did a good job getting the story across.  I think it would make a cute charming little short film.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Bret, I like to sit down and read a script all at once without any interruptions, and since I only had an hour before I started making dinner, I figured I'd check this out first and then 'Red Sun' after dinner.  (And dessert, if the kids are good.  So far, they're not.) Anyway, I thought this was a cute little charming story.  Well, charming until the stabbing of course. I saw you were trying to be true to both the comedy element and the romantic element of both WSS and R&J, so while I was reading, I'd figured you were going to be true to the tragic element of those stories.  So, even though I was waiting for it, the violence still caught me by surprise.  There's definately a shock factor in this story.

Hey Mark,

Thanks for dusting off my self imposed Valentine OWC.
I wanted to test myself and get outside of my wheelhouse, so to speak.
So, somewhat like yourself, this one's loosely based on a dream that I had as a boy.
Well, it was more of a daydream, but still, heh.
The origin is essentially true, I grew up in a town with rival supermarkets.
I fantasized that they would have these grocery turf wars after hours.
I decided to push myself by going the WSS and R&J route for a story arc.
I'm not a fan of WSS, but I made myself watch the film and take notes.
There's also a bit of "The Fantasticks" in there, a R&J musical take.
I liked the idea of pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
After notes, the script took three afternoons to complete.
The only OWC rule I didn't observe was the ten page limit.

While writing in the moment, I decided to reach for the tragic elements.
It wasn't planned that way, just how it came out on the page.
That's why I take extensive notes, treatment, even index card story arcs for some.
All that prep work gives me the confidence to let her rip on the page.
I'm immersed enough in the material to be spontaneous during the write.
Well, at least hope I have what it takes to be spontaneous.
I don't regret going for the tragedy, but I do agree it's a jarring tonal shift.

Quoted from rc1107 Honestly, I knew you were going to keep true to the stories, but I thought you'd stick with the lightheartedness version you had going.  I thought that, after Ray lost the joust, he would bombard Matt with all the bloodied steaks he had butchered that morning.  Then, Emily would come crying to Matt smothered in the bloody steak, and she would piss Ray off by her exclaiming she would become a vegetarian.  How would it stick to the plotline of R&J?  Because she would take out a bunch of green onions and start eating them and Ray calls out 'No!  There's a recall on those!  You're going to get a light food poisoning!'

Heh, wow. You got the poison element in there, good on you.
That's a pretty wild take on it, Shakespeare is such fun to play with.
It's got a timeless quality that translate well with modern times and issues.
I guess it's because his character motivations are always primal.
They truly never go out of style.

I'm actually about to upload the new draft of this story.
The tragic tonal shift at the end has been changed as well as a few other things.
I decided to emulate another R&J trope not used in the first draft.
I was going to use this initially, but the back stab on the day won out.
The rest is a narrative nip and tuck and some overall sharpening.
I tweaked the action description and made the intercuts stand out more.
Integrated most of the non-intercut action description to minimize stacking.
I'd appreciate you taking a read and comparing and contrasting, if you don't mind.

Quoted from rc1107 I did get a little confused a couple of times though.  Like with the action lines at the end of page 11 going into page 12.  I wasn't sure if Ray had stabbed Emily or if Ray had gotten stabbed somehow.  It says blood driplets hit the ground and Emily's bloody hands grip the blade.  Were her hands bloody before she gripped the blade, or after she gripped the blade.  Then, later on it says Ray 'slumps' into his sister's arms.  The way that reads, it looks like Ray was stabbed.  But then somewhere it says the knife was millimeter's away from Emily's stomach, so I didn't think anybody got stabbed. That part was a little confusing and I didn't notice anybody else mention anything about it in any of their posts, so maybe it was just me and I didn't comprehend something. But it was a great Valentine's parody nonetheless.  It read very fast and smooth, so you did a good job getting the story across.  I think it would make a cute charming little short film. - Mark

Oh yeah, I can see why that would be confusing at the bottom of the page.
I didn't think of it at the time, I'll double check that today.
The blood droplets are from Emily's hands around the thrusting blade.

It would be an expensive short, but something I'd like to see too.
Would be a nice extended sequence for "Glee" or something like that.
The ill fated lovers theme would play nicely into that shows convoluted romances.

I don't really write my shorts with economy in mind for a producer to scoop up.
They mostly are mental floss in between feature work.
I use them to test myself and expand my skill set for future projects.
A ghost story. Cop action thriller. Romance Fantasy. Diverse group they be. Heh.

Thanks again for being an exemplary member and digging through my work.
I hope you'll take a look at the new draft of this, if you have the chance.
Drop me a line anytime if you'd like a set of eyes on something of yours.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from E.D. I take extensive notes, treatment, even index card story arcs for some. All that prep work gives me the confidence to let her rip on the page.

That's pretty much exactly how I do it.  Even for my short stories, too.  Sometimes, a story's stewed around in my head for about six or seven months before I even open up a word processing file for it.  Although 'but you can learn to play', I did very differently.  I just sat down and wrote it, no storyboard, not even any notes.

Quoted from E.D. I'd appreciate you taking a read and comparing and contrasting, if you don't mind.

Yeah, no problem.  Just drop me a line when it's posted.

Quoted from E.D. I don't really write my shorts with economy in mind for a producer to scoop up.

Before I didn't, and even sometimes now I don't care about whether a certain story gets made or not because I wrote it mainly for my amusement.  But I really want to be able to start putting at least SOMETHING on my resume to send it to agents, so I've been trying to write stories that would be relatively easy to produce, but still sends a powerful statement.

I've gotten a lot of people asking me if they could film a certain project, but so far that I'VE seen, nobody's come through with a finished product.

I'll remember to check, but let me know when the new draft of this is up in case I miss it.

- Mark

Hey ED, I see you completed a new draft. I still like it a lot but have some points to consider. Good intercutting. I realize my  suggestions are just that.

Gary

LOGLINE
“wrong side of the parking lot”

ONE
Hand painted signs fill the windows
jukes > floats
,necessary to change > to change
hatred between the stores > families

TWO
the rivalry was over – sounds like high school > the war was over
the last vo > I was so young...
the town gossiped for years - too many people knew > the town talked about that night for years

FOUR
It’s, letters > no comma

SIX
my baby sister > my sister

SEVEN
you Almacs pretty boy > awkward
you are > you’re
you Demoula thug > awkward
winner takes the parking lot > this may be unrealistic
Ray blanches > balks
You’re on. > not needed
Need something to scare customer besides turning off the lights?

EIGHT
sticker wounds > paper cuts?

TEN
Should be chanting “joust” before the leaders snap for their mops?

ELEVEN
Death to all Almacs > awk
My name, is Matt > no comma
her brother > Ray
Why him > Em, why him?

TWELVE
Ray should hold Emily!
Drop their aprons > why?

THIRTEEN
Ray should be there too!