Hi Brett,

Interesting piece.  I was entertained but at the same time struggling to figure out what this story was trying to be.  It starts as a Romeo and Juliet-esque romance with lovers from enemy families.  That was legit.  I thought I was in for a real drama here.  But when the rumble came and guys were loading up their sourdough missiles and price guns...I laughed but it was so far out of left field I'm not sure it necessarily works here.  And then it goes back to seriousness when Ray tries to stab Matt.  I know it's listed as a fantasy but the genre jumping I felt was so extreme that it didn't feel like it worked and threw the flow off.  

But as I said - it was entertaining.  The drama was good and the battle was hysterical -- but together I had an issue with.  The ending was also fine.  There's a lot of things to like about this story but I think the romance/fantasy comedy/drama meshing was a bit extreme IMO.  

Good job nevertheless.

Greg

Quoted from Ryan1 Brett, Big improvement with this version.  The ending finally fits the tone of the rest of the story.  I wish you could find a way to slash that VO at the beginning to maybe half a page and then jump right into the story.  It almost felt like a little too much stage setting there.  I had to keep reminding myself that this was taking place decades ago, like the 50's I'm assuming.  Maybe a few more period details to really hammer the era home for us.

Hey Ryan,

Thanks so much for the second read.
It's always extra nifty when someone will read your junk twice.
You were the first two trust me with a script not posted on the site.
I will always remember that and buy you a drink some day for it.

That darn VO, it was almost two pages in the first draft.
I got it down to a page and a quarter this time.
Perhaps I could have slivered off some more.
But I was caught up in addressing the vagueness of the narration there.
I did slide in more time period references, but one or two right off the bat can't hurt.

Quoted from Ryan1 I don't know, I still have mixed feelings about the rumble.  The story starts with this tale of forbidden young love, told with a straight face.  Then comes the bread torpedoes and sticker guns, which takes us almost into an alternate universe where someone can get knocked out by a loaf of bread.    Don't get me wrong, the torpedoes are funny and the image of these guys turtling under shopping carts to weather the dough assault is also funny.  Although, I would  liked to have seen the unconscious fat kid wake up and start gnawing on the loaf that coldcocked him.

I see where you're coming from and Sandra made an interesting suggestion.
That the absurdity comes from exaggerated recollections of the event.
As in, the characters are old now and recalling their wild youth.
I like the idea, but unsure how it could fit into the narrative structure.
Perhaps modify the VO to bring in this idea. Would be a fun challenge.
LoL, fat kids eats the bread, epic. Consider it stolen!

Quoted from Ryan1 I guess my point is, with the silliness of the rumble, it's harder to accept the deadly seriousness of the knife fight that follows.   That being said, I did like the ending.  Making us believe that Emily just got ventilated, then showing how she stopped it just n time.  Makes everyone realize how out of hand everything has gotten. So, good job on the rewrite.  It could still be tightened in places, but it's a real improvement. Ryan

I'm glad the rewrite made a significant difference for you.
You have a good eye for detail and don't mince words.
I know it's a wild tonal stretch with this one, but I'm grateful you took the ride again.
It was fun bringing a childhood daydream to life on these pages.
And your notes helped me improve my work here, thanks pal!

Keep writing and rewriting!
I want to read about some mountains soon!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from wonkavite Hi ED - I think this COULD work.  The last page - with the payoff - is actually sweet, and touching.  Kudos. I do have a few problems with the script as it currently is. I LOVE the goofy Romeo and Juliet supermarket theme.  But it seems like you're trying to play it both seriously, and for camp.  Honestly, I think you need to throw it *completely* onto the camp side for it really to work.   It's a good, fun concept - worth the rewrite.  There are just points where it seems too serious, and too real.  (And what's the deal with Ray actually getting stabbed, or am I reading that wrong?)  The sourdough is cute...though it really knocks someone out?

Hey Janet,

Thanks for the read, always good to get notes from the fairer sex.
Especially since I'm a hairy bachelor beast writing a romance with girl protag!
If I were to revisit the material, I have considered separating out the tones.
I guess I'm a chemist on some level, I love mixing it up and seeing what happens.

Ray didn't get stabbed, my action description there needs a touch up.
Sometimes I don't get it all out of my head and on the page like I should.
It's a visually busy script, something's bound to slip past my radar.
It's a sticking point in the script I'll revisit, thanks.

Quoted from wonkavite One or two lines did make me go huh?  Specifically: *Demoula Thug?  (A tad bit over the top, at least as written) * Jukes around the parking lot (?)

I guess Matt, being a teenager in love, was being a bit over dramatic there.
But if it pulls you out of the scene, I should take another look at it, thanks.

Juke is a verb meaning to make a move to deceive an object.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/juke
I get a little too fancypants for my own good sometimes.
I underestimate how that can be distracting to the reader.

Quoted from wonkavite One thing about the writing.  Clean and good - but there just seemed to be too many intercuts in the action scenes to keep everything flowing as smoothly as it should.  Probably a *tad* bit too long, too.  It's a sweet, cute script.  Carry it out too far, and it loses it's impact! My 2 (or 3) cents... Cheers, WV

Thank you for your insight, Janet.
A visually dense story with action scenes is a tightrope act.
My intercuts are a work in progress and I hope to hone them to enhance the story.
I appreciate you honoring my request for some girl power input.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from bert So for these I begin with a review of my earlier comments before moving onto the rewrite, and I find most grievances addressed, with little left to complain about.  You must have tweaked some of the language throughout, as this reads smoother than I recall, with no sticking points that led to any confusion.

Bert,

Thanks so much for revisiting this script, it's doubly appreciated.
I did review everyone's posts as I sat down for the second draft.
It's the least I can do to honor the effort SS members offered me.
And yes, I did go through the entire script and rework the descriptions.
I "segregated" the stacking into two groups: Intercuts & pairing the rest up.
I'm glad it made for a much smoother read for you.

Quoted from bert While the boys are preparing for the battle, you use an "Intercut" technique.  I was not confused by this, but I think you would be better served by a montage or "series of shots".  Not that what you have done is wrong (I don't think, anyway), but the intercut is typically reserved for conversations (on the telephone, for example), where the visuals are not clearly defined, nor do they matter a great deal. Here, there is no conversation -- but the visuals are clearly defined.  I think you have a series of shots -- as this does not cover an adequate span of time to qualify for a montage -- but all of those definitions for these techniques are sort of nebulous and squishy, IMO.

Yeah, I did something that just felt right for me and didn't seem illogical.
I tried my best to find a way to get across the visuals in my head.
My format was awful when I arrived on SS seven months ago.
Now, I'm starting to find my own way, thanks to many fine examples on the site.
At least I feel comfortable enough to experiment now.

Quoted from bert The battle scene is pleasantly absurd, as it ever was (with yet another intercut), and I see that you did (wisely) respond to the primary complaint for most readers, and that is the handling of the knife.  This is better, much better, but I still have to maintain that the sight of actual blood is still weird for the tone you have established -- like a record skipping a beat -- and just for a moment, things feel "off".  We are yanked out of comical fantasy and plunged into reality.    Personally, I still maintain that the narrative arc is a little more consistent if both boys were to trap Emily in the middle of their "joust", but you seem to have a specific vision for what you want amongst this trio of characters, and that is fine, too.  You do have to trust your own author's instincts.

I've always felt strongly about the blood beat.
I thought it was important to show that things went too far, as teens often do.
I did like your suggestion and I can see it going that way.
Guess I got married to the butcher and butcher knife thang.
I could see your idea in my mind's eye, just didn't make it to the page...this time.

Quoted from bert And the end -- was there that much saccharine in the original?  This feels mostly new as well, and nearly placed me into a diabetic coma.  But there is an audience for that, and even if it is not my cup of tea, I can still acknowledge that it is effective, and the audience you are targeting will be just fine with it. If you recall our chat about rewrites, I would say this one is there -- unless somebody gives you something you just gotta' add.  It is a nice, clever, and pleasantly inoffensive piece you have here.

Yup, I upped the high fructose corn syrup factor on the finale. Guilty.
Seemed the way to go at the time, so I swung for the cheap seats.
I don't honestly know if I would like this story if someone else wrote it.
But I do know I'm proud I went outside my wheelhouse and put this together.
Mom really liked her Valentine script, so that made me happy too.

No more rewrites for me, February was all about rewrites.
April is new pages month for me!

Thanks again for your valued time.
Call on me to return the favor any time.

Regards,
E.D.

I don't know if anyone mentioned this but I feel like and idiot.  I JUST got why you named this West Side Markets.  Very good.

Hey Brett,
bit late in getting back to the party on this one, but as you have a new draft up and I enjoyed the first one thoroughly I just had to take another gander.

And... I see four pages of very thorough reviews from fellow SS'ers. Whew! Kinda hard to get through I imagine. And, from what I've read you've taken a lot of that advice onboard and applied it in the re-write.

Which brings me to this.  Brett, you're fond of signing off and encouraging with 'keep writing and rewriting' but the problem we all have as writers is that at some point we do actually have to step back, and stop. I do note your comment to Bert btw about Feb.

Which brings me to my confession: I actually feel a little sheepish saying this but, forive me, I actually prefer the original!

Bear in mind I gave it high praise way back then despite the nitpickety things I mentioned. And, I'm aware you did 'fixes' including the one that I mentioned at the beginning of the script. Noted that, and very pleased with the amended. But I suppose it comes down to 'you can't please all of the people all of the time'.

I note some people still have trouble with some of the far-fetched (absurdist) aspects of this script, and with the character of Ray and the 'violence' (which appears out of nowhere... for some), and, the Intercuts v montage/series of shots etc. (and I could nitpick some more too) - still not overly fond of the 'grown up characters' at the conclusion, but then I didn't like that about the movie The Notebook either and I still loved the soppy film overall so... but when it comes down to it this is Romantic Fantasy, so it all works for me.

Anyway, main thing I'm getting at is, whether it be this draft or the first, I still LOVE this script. It's romance and fantasy and drama all rolled in one and I really hope someone with filmmaking SKILL, (capable of doing it justice) picks it up.

All the best of luck with it ED. Look forward to reading your new stuff.

LC.

Quoted from mcornetto I thought this was much tighter than the first version.  I liked that you named the narrator.   Since you didn't introduce her before then it would be good if you said something, anything about the quality of her voice.  Even if it was something like "a shaky voice speaks" or "a voice full of wisdom speaks".

Hey Michael,

Thanks for giving this a second read, always encouraging for me to see.
That's a good idea about Old Emily, I will so steal that, thanks!

Quoted from mcornetto Also on the first page "Letters spell"  was awkward - maybe rephrase that to "A sign states" or something like that.  I wouldn't complain about that if it wasn't the first page.

Yeah, I see your point there, that should be changed.

Quoted from mcornetto Then things flow well until they are interrupted in the office.  I think Matt should go down on his knee when he says "Emily, would you" because its a bit more dramatic and implies romance.

The interrupted valentine speech was new this draft.
And yes, you're idea is a much better foreshadowing of the ending. Good one!

Quoted from mcornetto Then you cleaned up the fight nicely, it flows much better than it did before.  However, the ending with the knife seems out of place.  It would be nice if you could replace the knife and the blood with food. Good job on the rewrite.  It's turning into a tight little script.

Replace the knife with food? Stab here with a banana?
I guess I'm stuck on the blood due to Shakespearean tragedy and all.
I like that it goes too far and they have to reel it back it.
Once I made Ray a butcher, the knife always seemed imminent to me.
One day I may come around on this, but I think this story's in a good place currently.

I had buckets of fun going outside my proverbial wheelhouse with this script.
A rewarding experience to tackle a new genre and bring a childhood memory to life.
The newness of this self imposed OWC really invigorated me.

Quoted from mcornetto I don't know if anyone mentioned this but I feel like and idiot.  I JUST got why you named this West Side Markets.  Very good.

Here I was worried I was being too un-subtle with the title.
I cringed at the title a bit, but thought I could get away with it.
People have mentioned the West Side Story comparisons.
I assumed those that did "got the title".
Hope it wasn't too much of a groaner for you when you caught on.

Thanks again, now you'll excuse me, need an eye exam after staring at your icon!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev I don't have time to read all the posts. But I am a little confused. Before I get to that, I think your writing stands out among the crowd. Dialogue, descriptions, action flow...very good, a cut above. The story started out with a charming aspect to it. Reminded me of the Pushcart Wars. I could see it as a musical. Choreographed market warriors.

Hey Kev,

Thanks for the read, I've never heard of Pushcart Wars.
Sounds like Hardware Wars, and that's certainly a classic riff.
There's definitely a few genres at work in this short.
I never seem to settle on one and I impulsively swing for the bleachers.
Because of my nature, I think I risk alienating some folks.

Quoted from leitskev Somehow things went from the warriors being armed with sticker guns, which implies a certain silliness and lighthearted nature, to Ray attacking with a butcher knife. That seemed strange. And then someone dies? Who is bleeding? Matt is in the last scene, so I guess Ray died? So I thought the end was a little confusing and perhaps out of place in the story. But your writing really is distinctively good, and if you are productive, IMO it won't be long before you put out something really special, something someone films, hopefully buys for a lot!

Ray was a butcher and I established in his intro that he has a knife in a holster.
I guess I didn't make that clear enough, I'll have to review that, thanks.
In the end, Ray does take it too far and his sister Emily steps in at the last moment.
She stops the blade with her hands, hence the blood.
Mark had a great suggestion about showing her hands scarred in the end.
I think if I did that, there may be less confusion here, thanks for bringing it up.
It's also been suggesting I should have Old Ray there too, might be a nice touch.

SS has been an immense resource for me to improve my craft.
I only hope that the works written entertain those that helped me get better.
I'm sorry for the confusion but glad you overall enjoyed the read.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from greg Hi Brett, Interesting piece.  I was entertained but at the same time struggling to figure out what this story was trying to be.  It starts as a Romeo and Juliet-esque romance with lovers from enemy families.  That was legit.  I thought I was in for a real drama here.

Greg,

Thanks for the read.
This started out as a self imposed Valentine week OWC.
It's based upon a childhood fantasy about a real supermarket "war".
The R&J romance was crafted around the battle I saw in my mind's eye as a boy.
If I'm going to challenge myself, I should get out of my proverbial wheelhouse.
So, I tried on the romance fantasy hat to see how it would fit.
I tried early on to inject humor and whimsy with how the couple met.
I was hoping that would be an effective lead in to the more absurd parts.

Quoted from greg But when the rumble came and guys were loading up their sourdough missiles and price guns...I laughed but it was so far out of left field I'm not sure it necessarily works here.  And then it goes back to seriousness when Ray tries to stab Matt.  I know it's listed as a fantasy but the genre jumping I felt was so extreme that it didn't feel like it worked and threw the flow off.   But as I said - it was entertaining.  The drama was good and the battle was hysterical -- but together I had an issue with.  The ending was also fine.  There's a lot of things to like about this story but I think the romance/fantasy comedy/drama meshing was a bit extreme IMO.   Good job nevertheless. Greg

Yeah, I packed it in there for a 13 pager.
I've gotten this note from a few folks.
I honestly don't know what to do with it.
It genre jumps, true, but it's entertaining.
I decided to set my imagination loose on this one to see where it would go.
Unless I come up with something to smooth things, I guess this one stands as is.
Though Sandra brought up a good point about memories distorting facts over time.
Thanks for your time, best of luck with Scorsese Club!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from LC Hey Brett, bit late in getting back to the party on this one, but as you have a new draft up and I enjoyed the first one thoroughly I just had to take another gander. And... I see four pages of very thorough reviews from fellow SS'ers. Whew! Kinda hard to get through I imagine. And, from what I've read you've taken a lot of that advice onboard and applied it in the re-write. Which brings me to this.  Brett, you're fond of signing off and encouraging with 'keep writing and rewriting' but the problem we all have as writers is that at some point we do actually have to step back, and stop. I do note your comment to Bert btw about Feb. Which brings me to my confession: I actually feel a little sheepish saying this but, forive me, I actually prefer the original!

Hey LC!

Thanks for taking another look at this.
I had a creeping suspicion you might prefer the first draft of the script.
You were so generous with your praise for my first stab at this story.

Quoted from LC Bear in mind I gave it high praise way back then despite the nitpickety things I mentioned. And, I'm aware you did 'fixes' including the one that I mentioned at the beginning of the script. Noted that, and very pleased with the amended. But I suppose it comes down to 'you can't please all of the people all of the time'.

I tried to incorporate the notes and streamline the narrative.
I'd be curious to know any specific changes that didn't ring true to you that I made.

Quoted from LC I note some people still have trouble with some of the far-fetched (absurdist) aspects of this script, and with the character of Ray and the 'violence' (which appears out of nowhere... for some), and, the Intercuts v montage/series of shots etc. (and I could nitpick some more too) - still not overly fond of the 'grown up characters' at the conclusion, but then I didn't like that about the movie The Notebook either and I still loved the soppy film overall so... but when it comes down to it this is Romantic Fantasy, so it all works for me. Anyway, main thing I'm getting at is, whether it be this draft or the first, I still LOVE this script. It's romance and fantasy and drama all rolled in one and I really hope someone with filmmaking SKILL, (capable of doing it justice) picks it up. All the best of luck with it ED. Look forward to reading your new stuff. LC.

Honestly, I was terrified about having the confidence to genre jump with this one.
It was scary letting it rip and seeing where the vibe took me and the characters.
I tried to foreshadow Ray's temper with the knife in the wall and the lights out.
Maybe a line there might bolster that sentiment for some folks.
I swung for the cheap seats with everything else, so I did with the ending too.
I wanted to create a valentine fairy tale and that was my happily ever after ending.
Yeah, I'd love to see this one brought to life.
There's a lot of visual cues on the page a director can expand upon.
Thanks again for your kind words, and best of luck with your endeavors!

Regards,
E.D.

Brett

I haven't read what others have said about the rewrite, maybe I'm just repeating them...

Anyway, I loved this! You nailed the action and the characters. The transition from the absurd rumble with bread and mops into the violent knife fight felt perfect. Ray has been losing his cool the whole time, but the final straw was losing the mop joust. It was very believable that he pulls the knife and aims for a cheap shot. I was glad that Matt held his own and put up a fight. I was also glad to see Emily fall victim to the duel, and in keeping with the tone of this script, she didn't die. Perhaps in the closing scene, her wrinkled hands could turn over to invite Matt's to hold, revealing the scar. Just a thought.

This may sound corny, but I was actually getting the chills during this. Very visual, and it needs to be made. It might get a little costly for a short, but if someone can pull it off, this will be well received, IMHO.

Fantastic job!

Brian

Hey E.D.,

My apologies for not getting to this sooner, but better late than never, right?

Anyway, I enjoyed your first draft as it stood, but after reading your updated version, I think I prefer this one.  I haven�t read all of the comments on this draft, but I did read a few of them, and they touch on some of the things that popped into my mind as I read.

First off, I liked the addition of Old Emily and the V.O.  That said, like some others have mentioned, I think you could probably cut it down a bit.  I wouldn�t go too crazy trying to cut it, as I think that you need some of it for background, but maybe you can cut the line about the cinnamon buns.  Again, I don�t think it will make that much of a difference, but it�s a place to start.

Like most people, when I first read this, I was kind of up in the air with the progression from the kind of silly fight they were having with price guns and bread rolls, to the knife fight.  I felt that it was a little jarring, but I also felt like it worked.  For the most part, I see you kept that this time around as well, and after reading this twice, I think I�m okay with it now.  Maybe I�m more familiar with the story having read the first draft that it wasn�t as much of a shock.  Either way, it kind of is what it is, right?

I do think you made the right choice here in how you ended it and I really prefer this ending to the first one.   I think that the way you ended this one, kind of makes the whole escalation to the knife fight easier to handle for the audience since we know that everything worked out all right.  I thought it was really sweet.  The only thing I think I might change is having both Mat and Emily both saying ��can last a lifetime� and �Happy Valentine�s Day�.  As far as the first line, I think I would just give it to Matt and be done with it.  As far as the HVD � I know this was a piece you wrote for valentine�s day, but I think I would drop that as well.  I think it works on its own, so no need to reference VD.

Anyway, as I said, I enjoyed this and liked the changes you made here.  Keep it up, and best of luck.

Craig

P.S.  In one of the other comments, someone mentioned that it might be cool to see and Old Ray.  I kind of like that idea as well, and think it mmight be cool to see how he has dealt with Emily and Matt's relationship over the years (i.e. accepting, bitter, etc).

Brett, you wanted some feedback from some of SS female members on this one. I guess you don't know me very well, lol! I'm probably the least romantic person on these boards and I hate rom-coms. Having said that, I'd like to think of myself as someone who can read a script regardless of genre and author and be completely unbiased in my comments. So, here goes…

First off, in regards to the single space action lines. They are correctly written, but incorrectly labeled and they are definitely not a montage. A montage is a series of short scenes. What you have here is a SERIES OF SHOTS and in regards to the 1 minute/page thing that is also how those shots will play out. That is why they are spaced like that. If they were lumped together in chunkier action paragraphs you would get a longer film than the page suggests.  At least IMHO!!

The story itself was okay. I hate to say this, but it's old. I did like the two grocery store idea, but since the story is a classic I knew exactly how it would end which brought it down some as far as interest goes. At least to me. I'm not sure because it's so not me, but I loved Titanic. I think it was because of the rich characters in it. I didn't feel much depth of characterization here though. Maybe that can be worked up some.

About the fight. I thought you handled the fight well and it had some interesting and creative props, but I think I would have preferred to see something a little more real. A real fight. Wether it would be a fist fight, arm wrestling or whatever. I know it said rom-com/fantasy, but it felt a little silly to me. Probably most other women would find it cute though.  Didn't quite get what the cooking oil was supposed to do. It seemed they dumped it out on the ground, but it had no effect on anything.

I also hate when women are told to go home and let the guys handle this or that!!! So I hated that Emily was locked up before the fight and also that Ray referred to her as his baby sister. If I was Emily I would knocked him out for that.  

The ending was sweet. No bun intended.

In short, a well told familiar story that you can be proud of and I'm sure most women would like.

Pia  

Quoted from reuel51 Brett I haven't read what others have said about the rewrite, maybe I'm just repeating them... Anyway, I loved this! You nailed the action and the characters. The transition from the absurd rumble with bread and mops into the violent knife fight felt perfect. Ray has been losing his cool the whole time, but the final straw was losing the mop joust. It was very believable that he pulls the knife and aims for a cheap shot. I was glad that Matt held his own and put up a fight. I was also glad to see Emily fall victim to the duel, and in keeping with the tone of this script, she didn't die. Perhaps in the closing scene, her wrinkled hands could turn over to invite Matt's to hold, revealing the scar. Just a thought. This may sound corny, but I was actually getting the chills during this. Very visual, and it needs to be made. It might get a little costly for a short, but if someone can pull it off, this will be well received, IMHO. Fantastic job! Brian

Hey Brian,

Thanks for the second read, it was doubly nice of you to return to this script.
I appreciate you detailing Ray's arc, I did try hard to make it plausible.
Hot blooded young men do rash things in the heat of the moment.
It's true this would be an expensive short to produce, no doubt.
I wrote this more as a test for myself than to be produced.
I gave myself a week to put together a story for Valentine's Day.
The market layout is from the neighborhood I grew up in.
As a boy, I envisioned these late night "turf wars" between the stores. Weird kid.
I'd never tried my hand at romance before, so I thought I'd test myself.
I'm very fond of this story and I'm glad it worked for you.
Thanks again for your words of encouragement.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Craiger6 Hey E.D., My apologies for not getting to this sooner, but better late than never, right? Anyway, I enjoyed your first draft as it stood, but after reading your updated version, I think I prefer this one.  I haven�t read all of the comments on this draft, but I did read a few of them, and they touch on some of the things that popped into my mind as I read.

Hey Craig,

Thanks for the second read, I'm always grateful for any kind of revisit by a reader.
I try to pay attention to notes and address them on rewrites.
Here, I can rewrite without consequence.
Better to learn here than when a producer is breathing down my neck.
As a reader, I feel good when an author has addressed my notes in a rewrite.
Please don't feel the need to apologize ever to giving me a read, thanks!

Quoted from Craiger6 First off, I liked the addition of Old Emily and the V.O.  That said, like some others have mentioned, I think you could probably cut it down a bit.  I wouldn�t go too crazy trying to cut it, as I think that you need some of it for background, but maybe you can cut the line about the cinnamon buns.  Again, I don�t think it will make that much of a difference, but it�s a place to start.

That pesky V.O., it's my first attempt ever with that device.
It's gotten better, but you're right, I need to get in there and make it shine.
It's also been suggested to slide a few more time period references in there.
Your cinnamon bun comment is insightful, thanks.

Quoted from Craiger6 Like most people, when I first read this, I was kind of up in the air with the progression from the kind of silly fight they were having with price guns and bread rolls, to the knife fight.  I felt that it was a little jarring, but I also felt like it worked.  For the most part, I see you kept that this time around as well, and after reading this twice, I think I�m okay with it now.  Maybe I�m more familiar with the story having read the first draft that it wasn�t as much of a shock.  Either way, it kind of is what it is, right?

I made hundreds of tweaks leading up to the battle to smooth out the story.
And I think that overall smoothing, helped facilitate the fantasy.
Fantastical things go doen best when treated seriously by those involved.
I tried hard to keep it real for the characters, I'm glad it read better for you.

Quoted from Craiger6 I do think you made the right choice here in how you ended it and I really prefer this ending to the first one.   I think that the way you ended this one, kind of makes the whole escalation to the knife fight easier to handle for the audience since we know that everything worked out all right.  I thought it was really sweet.  The only thing I think I might change is having both Mat and Emily both saying ��can last a lifetime� and �Happy Valentine�s Day�.  As far as the first line, I think I would just give it to Matt and be done with it.  As far as the HVD � I know this was a piece you wrote for valentine�s day, but I think I would drop that as well.  I think it works on its own, so no need to reference VD. Anyway, as I said, I enjoyed this and liked the changes you made here.  Keep it up, and best of luck. Craig

Yeah, I tried to enhance the tonal shift to pay off the rest of the story.
They are young hot blooded kids and things can get out of hand.
Especially, when there's no adult supervision, it keeps the pressure on.
And I'm all about the suspension of disbelief and keeping the magic burning bright.
I was proud with the sharpening rod call back becoming a defensive weapon.
It gives this a swash buckling element seen in many Shakespeare plays.
Any excuse I can generate to have a sword fight, I'm so there.
If I had cause to revisit this piece, I would probably change the epilogue.
Thanks for the suggestions there, they make sense to me.

Quoted from Craiger6 P.S.  In one of the other comments, someone mentioned that it might be cool to see and Old Ray.  I kind of like that idea as well, and think it mmight be cool to see how he has dealt with Emily and Matt's relationship over the years (i.e. accepting, bitter, etc).

Yeah, that was Sandra, I believe.
I poked some of the elder stateswomen of the site for some input.
I like it too and if I were to expand this story, that's a strong tack to take.
I thought it was hilarious that women didn't read the first draft.
Thanks for your time and comments, if you need eyes on anything, let me know.

Regards,
E.D.