Hi everyone and thanks for the reads.

If anyone wants a return on a script of there's let me know.

Pale, si col, nawazam, marnieme, steve, basket case, coop,  - thanks, kind words.

Quoted from irish eyes Very funny and well written...poo jokes I feel like I was 5 again Mark

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Yeah, good old poo jokes. I was wary of going too far before it became dull, but hopefully the variation intermixed with the revenge element got it over the line.

Quoted from Ryan1 Bill, First time I read  "dog barks in the open boot" I thought a small dog was actually sitting in a cowboy boot or something.  Didn't catch on you meant the trunk area for about a page or so.

good point, hadn't thought of that option. it comes across very different when read like that.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer The cell phone photo thing confused me when I should be sailing to your climax. .

interesting, you're not the only one. what i have tried a couple of times is to have two stories running parallel only for one to be discovered to be before the other thereby leading to the twist. However, you mustn't loose your reader. yet, if i state the scene took place before then it takes the twist away. one to consider.

Quoted from James McClung At the end of the day though, it feels like a one trick pony.

yeah, i know what you mean. hopefully, the mix of scenes, the intercut with Stacey and the different knowledge carries it through.

Quoted from albinopenguin enjoyable read but i think you can up the ante a bit. dogs are pretty gross. they slober everywhere, hump things they shouldnt, and can be a real terror. why not play it up a bit? what would mark do to have sex with the world's hottest chick if she had the world's worst dog? would it even be worth it?

You're right there are quote a few variations, indeed some good ideas in there. For me i set out to set up a strong character, make him try and dodge what he has promised and once forced by the dog then have a hell of a day. Only then we discover it was a master plan, a revenge play. For this to work out he had to be sent out with this already in mind, therefore he needed to have strayed beforehand for revenge to be the motivation, in this story. That was enough for my five pages - the restriction i had.

Quoted from darrentomalin For example, I loved the jokes, but would rather have one poo joke.

Sure. I wondered about this myself but hopefully it works because each is different and actually part of a pattern, but i get the point. as i mentioned above, a good challenge is to introduce the parallel story without revealing too early.

On reflection i think i should start with Stacey but still leave the final twist for the end.

cheers folks

Gotchya, sometimes those restrictions can be a real b itch. now you have the opportunity to play around a bit (although i find boundaries to be a bit more helpful when i write).

also, since you've offered a return read, i have a new draft of Reaparations on the boards. would love your input if you're not busy.... haha

I laughed out loud in some places, or lol'd whatever.

The only thing I didn't like was the dogs name.

Good luck

Hi Bleyshon, thanks for the read.

The dogs name came about after I thought what would appear stupid to shout out in public, should the dog run away. We have a new dog this year and it doesn't always come back!

Once the Thief part was in my head it seemed fine as a dogs name and could be used to set him up and be part of a scene.  However, what I have learnt is to double check every assumption you make as other readers don't always see it the same way - infact still learning this!

If I can return the read let me know.

Great read! Loved the protagonist!

Hi Lou,

Thanks for the read.

There is only so far you can push the dog poo jokes - i think i reached that point. On re reading and with the comments provided, i could stress the revenge element a tad clearer, after all thats the twist, the play, so to speak.

If you are new around here (i saw you read an old script, well done for reviewing and don't worry about picking up an old one, i did exactly that when i arrived here) here are a few tips, if you know all this already then ignore;

use the portal button, it gives you a review of whats latest
try and read scripts from writers who are around and also respond. quite a few post and we never see them
if you want to write and be reviewed you are doing the right thing in reviewing first
any other questions feel free to PM me (bottom left hand button)

all the best.

Bill

This was an amusing little script. The writing was clean, no issues there. The protagonist was a smug little prick so it was satisfying to see humiliated twice…and well, inconvenienced on the third count. Good set up and pay off, timely jokes and nice twist with Stacey having schemed it all from the beginning.

Sure its toilet humour and essentially the same joke repeated but I think you get away with it because of the subtle embellishes added to each scene which keeps them fresh. Firstly, it’s the warm sensation he feels before slipping in it, secondly, you have him forced to purchase a toy spade in order to dispose of the waste and lastly, Mark’s prized possession, his car, gets the rap. This way the scenes don’t seem repetitive so the joke gains legs and replay value.

My one suggestion would be to switch the first two embarrassing poo-related scenes. Getting cr?p all over your leg is far worse than having to buy a kid’s toy to remove it, you know. The latter is embarrassing but it a humorous way, I know I’d see the funny side of it…the former however is flat out humiliating with no redeeming qualities, so maybe think about building it the other way around.

Well done.

Col.

Hey Bill.

I shall start by saying I'm one of those people who generally doesn't find poo and fart jokes funny, usually just not my thing. So with that in mind I think you've done a good job as I found it amusing. My favourite part was him carrying the delivery on the spade, I could really picture him and those around him.

When the dog initially leaves his treat you have him say 'oh christ, it's warm'. I feel instead of that you could make it more of a visual gag. Something along the lines of us seeing the poo with steam rising (so we see/ assume it's warm), he puts his hand in the bag, it squelches as he takes hold, then he gags, maybe he actually vomits as that would be an even worse scenario in front of the ladies.

The part that confused me a little, like a few others, was the phone call and photo. Should it be a flashback as Stacey says he's on his way over and he can walk Thief? Just a thought as we've already seen Mark with Thief and it seems like we've gone back. Also make it clear it's a random girl in the photo, at first I thought the friend had sent a photo of Mark and Stacey kissing and fondling, that could be my bad though, not yours.

Well written and easy to read, an amusing effort.

Cheers.

Thanks Col and Arty, apologies for the late reply.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Bill My one suggestion would be to switch the first two embarrassing poo-related scenes. Getting cr?p all over your leg is far worse than having to buy a kid’s toy to remove it, you know. The latter is embarrassing but it a humorous way, I know I’d see the funny side of it…the former however is flat out humiliating with no redeeming qualities, so maybe think about building it the other way around. Well done. Col.

First off, thanks for the kind words. Like you i hoped the splitting of the scenes, the way they were played out would mean that a similar gag was carried through. In terms of your suggestion above, i hadn't thought of that. I will give it a ponder. thanks.

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou The part that confused me a little, like a few others, was the phone call and photo. Should it be a flashback as Stacey says he's on his way over and he can walk Thief? Well written and easy to read, an amusing effort. Cheers.

Arty, also thanks for the kind words. Now that you mention it i'm not a fan of poo and fart gags either. In seems strange to say this but i kind of didn't see it this way, when clearly it is. They were gags because of the effect on Mark i suppose.

In terms of your point above, it does seem some have been thrown by this and others were not. No good having some of your readers confused, so yes it needs adjustment. As i have mentioned i like the idea of parallel stories that we end up finding were at different times, hence the twist. If i state as flashback then i've given the game away. Again one to ponder.

On reflection i think stacey needs to be introduced at the beginning.

If nothing else this little story has been good for me to consider how to plot this delicate balance.

I note Col has a script posted for which i will return the favour and arty i understand you have one to be posted that i will look out for.

cheers

As someone who used quite a lot of tacky humor in Strong and Wise, I found this to be very cute. Women know men would put themselves out just to get into their pants, and this little revenge comedy shows just how men can get their comeuppance. Nice way to get in touch with your feminine side, lol.

I thought it was a bit confusing at first near the end when Stacey says she's going to make Mark walk her dog. I was thinking, he's already doing that... Perhaps smooth that out a little.

Mark is an ass and apparently hits on all women and it also seems that he does get what he wants on occasion. Stacey finds out his true character and punishes him by making him walk her dog when it's sick to its stomach. That works as a story, but to me it would have been funnier if that wasn't what the story was about, but instead it was about a guy who walks a dog who goes a lot and he runs out of bags and the angry people he encounters. God knows people can freak out if you don't pick up after your dog.  

In short, the story works and has some funny moments. How did it do at MP and which comp was it?

Pia  

Thanks pia,

When I first joined the site i remember seeing someone called me, then it was meow, then pia. So I'm glad I know who has read this!

Thanks for the read.

You know what, I still haven't cracked this how to tell two different stories at the same time, and then reveal one was earlier than the other. Humm, one to ponder. In may ways that's the simple aim of this, the little twist a the end so to speak.

I agree there are many ways to put over this simple idea, but mine was to interlace a revenge plot into what appeared to be bad luck for an a***.  The hope was to add depth to a simple farce type tale. But I will say it is a great example of learning by taking part. It's only five pages but I have got a lot out of plotting this and re plotting etc

In terms of competition, it was entered into a Circalit comp, five pages based on previous work of the producers. Their previous film was based on a down to earth story involving a deluded man. This was my effort.

. The short list is announced next week. With 110-120 scripts I'm not holding my breath, just gaining what I can.

I have another in with Circalit at the moment which against the odds is in third position out of 100 plus. Mind you take the voting with a pinch of salt, I do.

All the best.

Hey, Bill
I reviewed this short on Circalit, but will gladly re-review it here.

I don't particularly find poop jokes hilarious, but I enjoyed your sense of humor.
Although, the poop jokes work in this case because of that super douchebag Mark.
I couldn't think of a more suitable comeuppance.
A few new suggestions for ya...
In the park by the cafe. Maybe have Mark wrestle away a pail and shovel from a small kid to scoop up Thief's poop. (real douchebag behavior)
Also, maybe have the ladies at the playground turn in disgust when they catch a wiff of Mark's soiled trousers. Then have Mark give them the old "It wasn't me. It was the dog."

Overall, I thought your script was very funny.
If you can get a dog to "act" what you have written, it would make a hilarious short.
I would expect there's no shortage of douchebags to play Mark.

hey bill -- nice read -- your style's very engaging and frew me in for the ride. so, i was able to read your descriptions as well. they're a bit overwritten, not ever detail needs to written, it's implict that someone turns to talk the character next to him, for example: pg 2. a car hoots as mark speeds by -- that's a director's detail, i think. why was he in such a hurry? pg 3. disconnects the call and smilesas the car passes the park entrance. is the entrance that exciting to him? why would it be? maybe someone mentioned in their feed to you that the ending rounded off the stroy and justified the premise. i'm not as convinced with that as they were. i say that bc in the beginning you actually do show stacey as being sick in bed -- then you refer to her illness as the reason for having the lead -- mark, walk her dog. i think it would have been more interesting to show stacey feeling fine and enjoying herself with friends or at a spa or something to pamper herself after being cheated on. as it stands, she appears flatly vengeful. you wrote a good line on pg 5 -- STOP THIEF! i liked it a lot. but so much of the rest of your dialogue seemed too stilted. i know british english has a different texture than american english, so maybe i'm way off on that one. cool story that seems like something that happened to a friend -- nothing wrong with it -- just not a grabber -- yet. you should try expanding on this one to see where it takes you. there's rob schneider potential written all over this small gem. keep writing and stay positive, bill.

This was a very light piece so there isn't really much that could be said about it.  It was meant to be fun and it was, I was amused.  

I thought you could possibly ramp it up even more and make it funnier.  There's more dogs can do than take a shit.   And there's more trouble the dog walker could get into.  

Overall, this felt kind of like part of a romantic comedy, I'm not that familiar with the films of the genre so I don't know if this has been done.  You may want to expand it. there's plenty of room for story here.