If you've read any of my many reviews here, you know I am not afraid to butcher, and I am not quick to sing a story's praise. I don't blow smoke. I liked it.

After posting, I glanced at the reviews, but it seems I read an updated draft. Everyone was saying Vincent was not a vampire, and I thought maybe I screwed it up. As I was reading, I was weighing the possibility Vincent just thought he was a vampire, but you made a point of showing his neck scar.

Someone mentioned drug addiction, and I do see now that this may have been a metaphor for that issue.

I guess if I had a question, it would be about the shaving at the gas station. Why? Has he been gone for days? Any reason he can't shave at home? I understand he needs to disguise himself to a degree because of the crimes he commits. But why not shave when he gets home? It's actually more risky to do it at the gas station, as he was witnessed. And surely his wife saw him with a beard in the morning.

Unless that's his one superpower. Rapid facial hair growth. Man, that would be my luck if I received a super power, to end up with something like that.

Vincent is suppose to work as a medical salesman which means he will be away from home all week, hence shaving in the public restroom. Also he grew his beard and dressed like a homeless person as a disguise.

Oh when I said 'butchers' I meant 'look' lol. sorry that's a regional thing.

I knew why he was disguised, but I wasn't sure how long he'd been gone. That clears it up.  

And regarding your earlier question, I did not think the ending was too long. In general, most shorts can be tightened up a bit. For the life of me, I don't know why we'd obsess over doing it, though. Will it make a difference in whether someone will film it? I doubt it. And if they decide to film it, they'll adapt it their own way anyway. I'd say this is good, it's done, time to write another! Good work, mission accomplished.

Hey Alffy,

Is this a vampire tale? I understand the connection with blood but to me it always came across as a sick addiction, a variation of how people become addicted to all sorts of things gambling, alcohol, drugs etc it relationship to a mental health issues such as obsession eg cleaning rituals.

I think sometimes a confusion between genres can work but to me this best applies during a script which is cleared up at the end, if that makes sense.

Like Kevin, I enjoyed this and felt it had a real feel to it.

Cheers

Hey Alffy.

Even though I love the old-school Hammer and traditional vampire stories, If I had to choose I would rather watch the vamp tales set in more contemporary times that do away with the all the religious/crucifix/garlic to-do's that goes with the classic tales. Anyway, that's a long winded way of saying I liked this is as well. "Near Dark" is the big daddy of these for me, it's all about blood and survival with no fangs in sight. Good stuff.  

Like Kev, after the initial read, I felt the bathroom shave scene felt a little unneccesary. But now you have explained why its there it makes sense. Not sure why I didn't pick up that he's been away all week. Maybe it could be made more clearer? If it's in there I apologise, that would be the readers fault not the writers.

I liked the ending, suitably bleak. And I just saw your post about 'Format' in the other section. Can't say I noticed anything out of order here. Looks all ok to me.

I'm from oop North as well, but from the West side. I understood the 'Butchers' comment. I think you should work it in the script!

Nice short, good stuff.

Alffy, based on this new back and forth, I have a question that I don't think is clear...or makes sense.

If Vinny is away for a week, supposedly working, where is he actually all week?  I assume he has to sleep, so why doesn't he have a cheap motel room somewhere?  My point goes back to the place where he shaves - in the original, it was a fast food restaurant, but now I take it, it's a gas station?

Unless I've missed something or something has radically changed in this final draft, there wasn't anythign involving a disguise, just him trying to look like he's been doing business all week when he gets home to his wifey...right?

Jeff, it is a fast food bathroom but I like your idea about the hotel and it would make his week away more obvious. As for the disguise, that was just kind of in my head.

Basket Case, love your screen name by the way, I think Near Dark is a great film and defo one of the best vampires films.

Oh yeah, Vincent is a vampire.

P.S. sorry for short replies but I'm on my phone as the wife is hogging the laptop lol.

My fault for saying gas station. I mixed that up. I think you have this scene because you want to show his transformation, that he is not really a bum. Maybe you should just have him pull off a disguise, jump into a pinstripe suit or something. He's trying to remain Ward Cleaver with his family, but needs to disguise himself to do what he does.

I don't like the idea of his being away a week. It requires you to explain it, but it's also against the image you are going for, where Vincent is desperately clinging to his former life.

I think that just as this vampire has no special powers, he is also not killed by day light. It would be difficult to hide that long from your wife.

hey Anthony,

i want to go into this fresh, so i'm purposely not looking at anyone else's comments. let's read as we go along.

cover page
do we need "second draft?" probably a debatable point. i'm assuming you wanted everyone on the boards to know that this was a revision

p1
had to read the bit with clare twice in order to get a feel for what was going on. the sequence is a little hard to understand. i'd tweak it so we knew that clare is with Tina and Lisa from the start.

p2
remove "they converse"

Emma stumbles passes Vincent.
^stumbles pass

some continuations might make this flow a bit more

A rubbish bin audience line either side.
Emma rounds the corner and bumps one of the bins. Its lid
falls and breaks the silence. She puts her finger to her
lips and shushes her clumsiness. She staggers on.
^remove the first sentence. remove "her clumsiness." you can't film that.

might want to capitalize sounds (ie BUZZ)

Vincent checks they are alone.
^Vincent looks around. No one else is in sight.

VINCENT
Don't struggle.
^seems a bit silly. I would just remove the piece of dialogue entirely.

flows nicely at this point. i'm intrigued.

BARKS

oh no. i'm hoping this isnt a vampire short. but i guess i'll find out in a few pages.

p4
would consolidate the shaving bit to just "he shaves." and then point out the scar, brown bag, etc.

driver's

p5
night's

what if vincent was completely silent up until he meets his family? just an idea.

wow, that was a quick turn of emotion. you need to build up to this. katy's super sweet and then BAM! she's pissy. give it a few more lines of dialogue. make her surprised, then pissed....or make her pissy from the start

p6
you're over directing a bit. in other words, you're telling the actor to do too much. phrases like "vincent hangs his head" really aren't needed. the actor can gather that info from his dialogue.

p7
KATY
Just stuff!
^question mark, not exclamation

VINCENT
I found them so thought why not.
^awkward. remove "thought"

juvie not juvi.

Well you won't get Juvi now will
you.
^question mark

dialogue is a bit on the nose. not too bad though.

p8
KATY
Who fucking knows!
^?...this is getting a bit tedious

p9
KATY
You need to talk about it, not
hide it. You were attacked,
Vincent, there's no shame in it.
^wait, what? first she attacks vincent...and now she's defending him? there's no consistency here.

not a huge fan of the ending. seems stereotypical.

finished it. okay so there are A LOT of unanswered questions here. but these questions come from inconsistency. katy goes from being happy to angry to defensive to naive. stick with just two or three emotions and follow them through.

my biggest questions is what happened to the attendant with the gun? completely pointless as he didnt add anything to the story. did i miss something?

not a bad piece of work by any means. the reason i'm being so thorough (and picky) is because this could be really good. granted i'm a little biased against the vampire genre, but it has potential.

best of luck with it.

Hey Albino, thanks for the insight.

I won't go into everything you've highlighted as 'don't do this' and 'do this', see my annoyed Format thread and you might understand why lol.

The attendant scene was just to show Vincent wasn't a homeless guy and was away from home. Also the attendant doesn't have a gun, it's his fingers.

I've always been a bit unsure of using some question marks. Things like 'well you won't go to juvie now will you', I didn't use a question mark as it wasn't a question, it was a statement so wasn't sure whether it should be used or not?

Other things like 'rubbish bin audience' can be filmed as it shows there are rubbish bins in the alley. I sometimes like to use phrases like this rather than 'rubbish bins in alley'. Also 'hangs his head' shows frustration. I guess this is just personal preference.

Not sure why 'don't struggle' seems silly?

Also you picked up on Katy's mood changes. My wife does this and it can be frightening. Happy to suspicious to forgiving to angry in a matter of moments lol.  I see what you mean though but I think arguments can run like.

Thanks for taking the time to give me such a long review. I know this has some faults and I'll hopefully pick this up again and make it better.

Cheers, mate.

Yo Alffy!

Good to see you back, man. I read this the other day but wasn't sure about the ending, so didn't post.
Read it again just now and still a bit vague on it. I think you have a neat little short in here but perhaps it needs coaxing out?

You're saying Vincent is def a vampire, ok? That's cool, we know he was maybe bitten years ago. And we know he needs to feed on fresh blood. It all works pretty good until the end.

It does sorta fit as is, but I felt it needed a stronger ending to do it justice.

I will re-read some of the other comments and muse on it.

Cheers stevie

Cheers Stevie. Think I'll ponder over some ideas to improve this. I've had some useful suggestions but I don't want to increase the page length really. I know the ending is a bit long at the moment but I wanted a good argument that also told a bit of story.
Cheers again, Stevie

Alffy,

One thought came to me, which was to make him a trucker.

They are on the move, have a place to sleep in the cabin and can "hide" in the shadows, since they are normal. I knew a trucker who ran a double life with two "girls" around the country . They always have an excuse to be on the road.

I think I have seen one where a rapist was a trucker, maybe a real life story, so not new but you are only using this as a method of him doing what he needs to do. Maybe he could use the empty trailor for something

Just a thought.

Not a bad idea. At the moment he's (or was) a pharmaceutical rep which does mean he could be out on the road for days at a time but most people haven't picked up on this so maybe I should change it?

Hi Anthony,

I conveniently read both versions of the script. The second is indeed far superior. I felt the focus on minutia for the first couple pages of the original really bogged down the script. I was happy to see you condensed it to more or less one page here. The story kicks off much better this way.

Still, a few elements remain problematic for me. Why would Emma, drunk or otherwise, wonder into a darkened alley alone in this kind of neighborhood? I don't buy it at all. I don't care how much she's had to drink. If she were that out of it, she wouldn't be able to get out of the bar.

I think it'd work better if Vincent attacked her at the mouth of the alley and actually pulled her in, whether this means he pursues her to the alley or hides in the alley and waits for her.

Also, I see what you're after with Vincent convulsing and such but there's no way he's gonna get that much blood from one little prick after he's taken the needle out. How much blood is left on your inner arm after you get blood drawn at the hospital? Not much. Vincent's gonna have to settle for just a taste and honestly, I think that'd have more effect.

The shaving bit in the restaurant, I don't get at all. I'd tell you to chuck it but I'd like to know what purpose it was supposed to serve in the first place. I haven't a clue. Care to fill me in?

Vincent's family life seems boring. I'm not sure if you're trying to make him sympathetic or just establishing that he indeed has a family. If the former, I'm gonna need more than this. You can't just establish a family and say "look, he's like you." I think you need a little more pizazz or intimacy or something on the home front.

Not much of a fan of Katy, honestly. Her emotions seem pretty inconsistent. Big leaps in demeanor are to be found throughout. It also seems that she's somehow in on the whole vampire thing yet to discard Vincent's blood doesn't seem to take it very seriously. Hence, she dies, arguably as a result of her own actions (stupidity?).

Your second half needs considerably more development than your first.

Finally, I think your logline's a little stale. You need to jazz it up a bit. Give it some more intensity. More pull.

Anyway, I thought this was a serviceable vampire story. I like the drug addict angle but I don't think there's that much freshness to it, otherwise, even if the problematic elements were corrected. Sorry to say I found this kinda same old, same old.