A series in the same genre as the 1983 movie, 'A Christma Story,' culturally adjusted to your location could be very good, entertaining, funny and enduring.

John

Hey John,

Thanks for having a read. I'm tempted to return back to this main character and using him for a web series. This script was recently picked up by a young teenage filmmaker, so I'm starting to think that it may have potential as a fun wee series for teens to get involved in. It's nothing serious.

Thanks, John

Dan

Quoted from danbotha I'm starting to think that it may have potential as a fun wee series for teens to get involved in. It's nothing serious.

If it pays the bills, it's a good thing. There is nothing wrong with being commercial. Think of it as giving the people what they want.

I've seen the movie A Christmas Story about three times and laugh everytime.

Fun Factoid: The house where A Christmas Story was shot is a popular tourist attraction. People from all over the world come to visit it.

Your Wee Lad series smells like money to me.

John

Thanks John,

To be honest I've never written to 'pay the bills.' I suspect that when I finally finish my first greedy that I'll actually want payment for any producer that wants to produce it, but for now... it's all about getting my name out there. I'm young. I can worry about money at a later stage.

If I was to make this a web-series, it would have to have an original twist. I think at the moment, it's not intriguing enough to have people come back for another episode. I do, however, think that a younger audience might enjoy this one, simply because the humor is mostly aimed at them.

Dan

Dan,

There is nothing wrong with being young or getting paid.

Don't over think it and don't sell yourself short.

The long running Canadian Red Green Show was about old coots hanging about at The Possum Lodge. No sex, no nudity, no gratuitous violence, no twists.

The BBC Doc Martin is about a socially inept medical man boboing (an irregular 'ar' verb) through life in some very small village in the middle of nowhere.

Neither show has an original twist. Just good solid story telling about ordinary people doing ordinary things.

In my humble opinion, simple, honest, relatable and funny are marketable qualities.

John

Quoted from XL Don't over think it and don't sell yourself short.

John, don't get me wrong, if I was offered money, I would consider taking it. Think I'd be insane not to at least think it over. I just don't write for the money. I write simply because that's what I love doing. I honestly believe if I was writing for the sole reason of pleasing the public I wouldn't enjoy writing as much as I do.

I wasn't saying that money means nothing to me, but if that's the reason that people are writing these days, there's going to be a whole heap of crap making it onto the big-screen. If I was money driven, I would have written a script about zombies ages ago

Dan

Hey Dan- I enjoyed the script. Just as I have with all of the others that I've read from you.  I can relate to Devin. Losing focus when working on a math problem. I hate math. Just another bit of fine writing from you once again. Keep up the good work.
                                                                                                        - Dirk

Thanks Dirk,

It's great to hear that there is a person who seems to consistently likes my work. I hate math as well and I honestly wouldn't be wasting my time if I didn't need math for every. single. career .

Anyway, glad you liked it.

Dan

Hey Dan,

I agree with everything that's been said about this been nicely written yet sort of pointless. You've acknowledge that this wasn't meant to be the tear jerking melodrama that anything involving math should be, so I won't drag out the fact that four pages about math isn't the most intriguing concept.

• (p1) 15 is a little young for year 11, no? At least within the American school system, year eleven is sophomore year of high school, when students are typically around 17 years old. This might not be based on the American school system though, and I could be nothing more than an ethnocentric yank.
  
• (p1) "Solve the following--" could be better formatted as "Solve the following:" That's just how I would write it, and in the vein of my mentioned ethnocentrism, everyone must be like me or suffer the consequences.
  
• For such a light script, the dropping of "sh*t-balls" and "dumb *ss" (p2) and "b*tch" (p4) seem slightly out of place even given Devin's blatant frustration.
  
• (p4) The punchline at the end fell flat for me. I'm lazy and can't think of any clever ways I would improve it, but it made Devin seem a decade younger than his character was supposed to be.
  

And that's that.

Thanks again, tendai.

The school system is based around the New Zealand school system. Typically, in New Zealand year 11 students are around 15-16 (We go up to year 13). I wouldn't call you ethnocentric for not knowing that

I agree with the punchline. When I read back I often think 'What was I thinking' but that's the way it turned out. Comedy is subjective. Some people like it, some don't.

Anyway, thanks for your opinion. Really appreciate your in-put

Dan

Dan, thanks for taking a look at my script, I took a look at this by way of return as the only comedy listed among your work. It's just about a year old so I guess it's on the back burner although you did say there was student interest, did anything come of that? It reads as a bit of fun and I guess your comments confirm that it is a sketch more than a complete story but if you decide to revisit it here are a few thoughts.

What you have as introduction is 'on the nose' as set up, he's literally saying "I hate algebra." I laughed at "What the shit-balls?" coming after the long recitation of the algebra question, I think that might make a better opening.

For me, having "dumb ass" and "friggin’" in the continued thought detracts from the humour of that line. "You’d think he would find a tape measure" is funny enough. Same thing with "How the hell ..." when it just needs "Is the cat important?" I want to like this kid and certainly can sympathise with his bafflement but the swearing turns him into something of a rebel who just couldn't give a stuff. That doesn't seem to be what you intend.

I agree with earlier comments that it needs probably just a bit more thought to turn this into something really good. The punchline is nearly there, perhaps the last shot can be Devin turning in his paper to that missing teacher and we see the words "Devin x algebra = ?" to go with his "Solve that."

About the title - I can see Frustrations with Whys so is the unnamed girl supposed to be an Ex? Marriot has made excellent suggestions on that. I think another title suggests itself from Devin's last thought: POSSIBLE BUT POINTLESS.

Sorry if this is already abandoned. If there are to be further adventures of Devin I'll give that a look,

Jon (NW3)

Hey Dan,

This is a very clever piece, formatted perfectly and quick.

I'm with Devin on this one as well, you could have been writing about me - numbers + letters = one confused me.

Good stuff

Michael

Wow, I wasn't expecting to see this one at the top of the portal. Been a long time since I've had to come back here.

Hi there Jon and Michael. Thanks for having a look at this one. Of all my shorts, this one has to be my least favorite, although there were a few offers that came in from students, so someone must have liked it. Unfortunately, nothing happened there, so this one still falls into that unproduced section.

I don't actually plan on doing any further work with this one, unfortunately. I, personally am not a fan of the script, so I think to return to working on the "story" would be pointless. When I originally wrote this, I had absolutely no idea about writing real stories and as a result this one kinda crashed and burned.

I'm surprised with the comment about the swearing. I never really picked up any of the words you pointed out as profanities. At the time, I was still shy with the use of profanities, so I strayed away from that. Sorry if you feel the swearing detracts from the character. I was essentially trying to mock myself when I sat through a rather hard algebra exam. This was essentially my way of letting off some steam. As I said earlier, I just wrote it as part of a private joke and it was never anything serious.

Thanks for all the suggestions, Jon. Although I probably won't be returning to this script at all, I still appreciate the time taken to have a read and the time spent on getting back to me. You've given some pointers for what I can avoid in the future. Cheers.

And a big thanks to you as well, Michael. Glad you thought it was clever. Many people have commented on how ridiculous the entire thing is and to a certain extent I agree with them. What I have noticed is those who don't enjoy maths have sympathized for Devin, which I suppose is a good thing. Maybe this is more of a script for us maths noobs

Anyway, thanks for having a read. Truly appreciated.

Dan

You are right.  I have a theory that all writers sucks at maths,  including me.    That's why we all can relate to this story

It was a cute scene, perhaps part of a bigger piece, but it doesn't stand on its own.  While you did a good job getting into Devin's mind, this piece didn't build at all.  His comments regarding all his math problems were the same.  

Hope this helps.


Phil