Hey Steven,

Wow.  I'm considered a regular?  That makes me feel all special and tingly inside, lol!

Most of what you've said about the spelling and the unfilmables have been addressed by previous posters, but this was my first ever attempt at a short, and I think I have improved leaps and bounds in these past couples months when I look at my writing now.

I'm doing rewrites on this and will be changing the ending, as to supply hope for Sam and make this less depressing.  You're spot on about the social commentary.  I wanted to make it dark and and a touchy subject matter that happens all the time.

(P.S: Sam and Rick were not really cousins.  I made them different in appearance and the only reason they said they were cousins was too cover up their closeness/being together all the time.  Well, that's what I hoped would be implied, it was a little too vague.)

And yes, the ending, you were right about Sam and the gun.  But I'm writing a new ending, so in the coming weeks, expect a rewrite/new draft in the thread.  Thanks so much for the read!

-- Curt

Hi there, I managed to read the whole of your script  There were mistakes, but I persevered all the same.-

- 'hot' - maybe a better describing word? Classically good-looking, etc...

- 'Most definitely gay' - does it need to be this obviously pointed out? Can't we work that out from proceedings/dialogue etc?

Dark subject matter with the shootings and suicide - it was such a quick read though it was really hard to get into it. I take it you were writing this to produce yourself? Or with a producer in mind? Unfilmables often add a little bit of flare to your writing, so I would concentrate more on getting the story right before you worried too much about those - and as I say if you're producing this yourself or going to be involved in production then if the unfilmables make you comfortable and would help you translate your idea onto the screen then there's no problem with that.

I'd like to see you try your hand at something feature length maybe. Bust your writing chops wide open and see what happens.

Hey Goose, thanks for the read.

The draft you read was written a while ago.  I've learned a lot since then.  My two others short on here are much better written and have been much better received.  This short was my first attempt at a short and IMO needs a lot of work.  Most of what you said has already been noted by others, but thanks anyways!

I won't be producing this myself as I don't have the equipment or crew.  Two film students contacted me on different occasions on wanting to produce this but both filmmakers never followed through, sadly!  But at the same time, I'm happy, because at the moment it's certainly not ready to be shot by someone.

I have a new draft almost done, but it could use another third draft also.

I've written three features actually.  Two are posted on here.  Run For Your Life is a drapery that needs major work, and an have a horror script on here that also needs major rewrites.  I also have a third spec written that needs major editing and story changes.

Thanks for the read.

-- Curt

What??? LOL I didn't know you have features.  Do I have to go digging for 'em or are they easy to find (can you send links)?

Yea.  The first one I posted was Run For Your Life.  It was my first attempt at a feature script that wasn't fan fiction.  It's not very good though and needs major story changes and editions.

The second is The Black Bay Woods.  A horror.  I wrote it in honor of movies like Blair Witch, Evil Dead, Cabin Fever, etc.  It was a love letter to those type of isolated forest-setting scripts.  It's nothing originally, but it needs less work than Run.  Just edited a little bit.

Both those scripts don't really showcase my talents like my shorts, since my features a less better written and need work, lol.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

THE BLACK BAY WOODS

Features are a hard 'un to master.

I'll be taking a look - I'll get back to you!

Hi Curtis

I’ve just read this and then I scanned through the comments. I agree with most of what they have said and I also note you said you’ve got a new draft which should address the issues so I’ll just add a personal opinion.

Although that could easily be a scene straight out of a movie and it was well written (apart for the issues already mentioned/addressed) it didn’t work for me. Tragedy piled upon tragedy in a concentrated burst is an obvious choice to get noticed or to impact people emotionally but unless I’ve got to know the characters and what drives them, unless I know their hopes, their dreams, their beliefs, how high they’ve tried to fly but ultimately how low the reality of their life has become; then I don’t buy it.

I didn’t like Sam and Rick because I didn’t know them. I didn’t believe what they did because it made no sense. It was like watching a rushed ending to a movie. I would suggest fleshing this out. Set it over a few days or even a few years. Let’s see these characters as more than one-dimensional caricatures .

I realise this is just a short and you were just trying things out so just bear it in mind for future projects.

Mark