A Perfect Day by Curtis Rainey (AmbitionIsKey - Short, Drama - Two boys.  A gun.  A perfect day. - pdf, format

Hey Curt.

Starting off, not a fan of the opening slug.  It's just a tad bit vague to me.

EXT. CAFETERIA - ROOF - DAY

Just a suggestion.

You have Sam taking out the sandwiches twice.  That little section can be cleaned up a bit.  "Sits down close", the "down" isn't necessary.  You put roof in there again even though we already know there on the roof.  Maybe they're sitting on the ledge.  I'm being a bit picky but trying to point out something.

"Said she's stopped"  I think you mean "she'd".

The "interrupting" inside the parentheses are unnecessary.  Just put a dash on the word before the interruption.  "He's in shock."  Show, don't tell.  Some facial expressions would certainly do the trick.

"Sam locks eyes with Rick.  Who is void of emotion."  Awkwardly written.  Combine or rewrite it.

"Rick doesn't finish the sentence."  Unnecessary.  We know he doesn't finish the sentence because he stopped.  I think you were going for a dramatic pause.  Leave his mouth open in that case.  That's what I suggest.

Another FADE IN is needed after the FADE TO BLACK.

Not a bad short.  The story didn't do much for me but the writing was pretty good.  A few instances of telling as opposed to showing but nothing too bad.  Good job Curt.  Keep it up.

Johnny

This was a good read, a very interesting read.  Once again, I commend you on writing very mature themed scripts.

Much like your other script, I find a lot of room to tighten things up.  Get rid of your orphans (lines with only one or two words in them.  Never end a script with only one line of text on the last page.

Hope this helps.


Phil

This looks better than your other script -- just wondering if you're still around?

Agree with Phil - interesting. Not a "pick-me-up" but a good read with a good hook.

This could not take place in St. Louis- they've got metal dectectors at the school entrances now...that's Missouri's answer for gun control.

You contrasted the two characters very well. It would be too stereotypical to write them as people that hated each other; I liked how you've taken two opposite people and portrayed them as you did.

Hey Curt.

I've been wanting to read your feature, but my next day off isn't for a couple of days still and I'm only able to hop online for a little bit at a time, so I thought I'd check this one out first.

As a drama person myself (somewhat, I guess), Phil's right about the topics you choose.  Though this story might have hit the melodramatic point one or two times, it's refreshing to see some people concentrate on the stories that might be a little harder to tell.  (Not that there's anything wrong with writing about zombies or vampires, but it's refreshing to see somebody write about the difficult themes I like to see addressed.)

There's some descriptions in there that took me out of the story and made me realize I was reading a script instead of 'living' someone's tortured life.  You never want to break the spell a story has on someone, (especially in scripts), and details like '...probably has a plethora of girls falling at his feet sits on the roof...' doesn't sit very well while reading it.  'A smile paints it's way across his lips.'  -  is another example.  Just say 'He smiles'.  It won't win you the 'Best-Used Adjective' award, but it won't muddle up your reader's head, either.

I also mentioned one or two over-melodramatic parts.  Those are ESPECIALLY hard to overcome in heavy dramas.  You want the story to be powerful, but you don't want to cross into soap-opera land.  And one thing I've realized...  'What... Oh my God... I...'  is soap opera land.  You want your readers or viewers to say that, not your characters.  I know it's hard and I know I've been very guilty of it also, but don't force your audience to feel what your characters are saying.  Make your audience feel it in the visuals, not by force-feeding them.

Hope that makes sense.

One thing that threw me, and I loved after thinking about it, was when the girl mentioned Rick and Sam were cousins.  At first, I thought, eww!  Incest!  Nice twist!  (Where have I seen that one before?  :-)  But then I realized it was a story the two had probably come up with to explain why they're so close without coming out of the closet.  I don't know if you did it on purpose or not, but it was a great fake-out on me nonetheless.

I'm wondering if having Sam swallow the bullet at the end might be another example of being a little melodramatic.  Maybe you were trying to say something about true love, but it seems to me that Sam is the type of person that would grieve (a great deal), but ultimately go headstrong into life with a strong remembrance of what was.  Nonetheless, I think Sam's action at the end took a little power away from the earlier story.

Still, I'm very impressed that you tackled a story like this.  Great job and I can't wait to see what else you bring to the table in the future.  You'll hear from me on your feature thread soon.

- Mark

@John -- Thanks for the read, man.  I think the opening slug is a matter of opinion/taste, I personally think it works well the way it is.  And damn, I'll make sure to fix the sandwich thing.  I tried to do less telling in this than I did with my feature, I think I succeeded but thanks for pointing those errors out.  Glad you enjoyed it, I consider the overall writing in this is better than my feature.

@Phil -- Thanka Phil, yes.  I prefer adult themes as opposed to One Direction fan fiction, or silly things like that.  Glad you thought it was a good read though.  I'll take your pointers and add them to revisions, thanks for taking the time to have a look at this.

@SiColl -- Yep, still here, was offline for a while due to internet problems, but it's all sorted now.

@Crusader -- I agree that the atory isn't a grabber.  Glad you liked the hook though.  I was at a loose as for the log-line so I kinda threw it together. Glad you liked how I handled the characters, I tried my best to give them twl different distinct personalities.

@Mark -- I am glad you like what I write about.  I prefer movies with adult themes and risky avenues, so I guessed I would emd up writing like that.  I will deffo take your advice on this.  I agree less is more, so I will be working on that, thanks!  

I am also very shocked you picked up on the cousin thing, I am actually astounded by it, 'cause I didn't feel like I hinted to it enough for people to pick up on.  They weren't in fact cousins, so it amazes me that you picked up on that, it actually makes me happy that you did!

Basically, the only reason Sam was happy in life was because of Rick.  And with Rick gone so suddenly, I imagined he'd only want to do the same and be reunited with him in death.  I am glad this impressed you.  And excited for your thoughts on my feature.

Not all scripts need to be complete and complex stories.  A well-written scene that defines a story makes a great read sometimes.


Phil

Ah, thanks Phil.  I hope though, that the above words apply to this short, or at least apply to it a little bit even.

-- Curt

I was actually talking about my great works.  


Phil

Hi Curt,

Wanted to chime in on your script and offer what I can. I take notes as I go and I typically don’t read the other post as to not be conditioned by others opinions so if I repeat others comments, sorry.

Lets start with the first line.-

Blue skies. Not a cloud in sight. A perfect day.

I see the visual and what you’re trying to convey but it could use a little sprucing up. After all, this is the opening line so you want it to pop.

Maybe-

A blue cloudless sky attest to what can be considered a perfect day.

By using cloudless instead of not a cloud in site, you’re showing the perfect sky. When you say, not a cloud in sight, in essence you’re saying that there isn’t something there.

Kinda like-
A room filled with chairs. Billy is not in the room. Then why say it?

Also, a line such as-
Probably has a plethora of girls falling at his feet

Is known as an unfilmable. Remember, you are showing us what would be on the big screen.

I will say this, you have a distinct voice in your writing. I know writers on this site (and you know who you are) who suck but don’t give up. Good on them, but I can hear what you’re saying and that is the corner stone to a writers success.

This line is a good example of where you could tighten of some of your wording to make it say the same thing but with less words.

He throws it and it lands with a clatter beside Sam.

He throws it besides Sam. CLACK!


The very next line is an excellent opportunity to really bring out the deviance in Rick.

Rick nods.

I would have Rick give a slightly sinister grin and have Sam get the next line.

Okay, here is a great chance to really tighten up a line-

Sam locks eyes with Rick. Who is void of emotion. His eyes
glassy. Dejected

This is kinda jumbled so perhaps something like-

The two lock eyes. Sam, completely void of emotion and glassy eyed, replies.

Sense all of the emotions are owned by Sam, you can stream line to read as a faster cleaner explanation of Sam’s state of mind.

The story itself is very well done and timed great. A very mature theme and well thought out.

Okay, that’s all for now. I will say this about you and your writing. It’s very good Curt. With the experience you have and your age, you’re light years ahead of many writers.

I really look forward to seeing you grow and progress in your work. I hope some of my thoughts will help.

Good luck with your writing.

Shawn.....><

Some of the dialogue, character descriptions, and the ending lead me to believe that maybe Rick and Sam were a closet couple?  If I’m wrong, sorry for misinterpreting it that way.  Another thing, when Rick says “she hit me again,” the rest of the dialogue led me to believe it was his girlfriend. . . which sort of made me go ‘huh?’  Cause you normally don’t see that in high school.  Then we get to the line ‘Jack Daniels got to her after her boyfriend broke up over the phone with her,’ and it seems clearer that you were referring to Rick’s mother.  The ending:  perfect.  I thought you were going to go the route of a school shooting/massacre, then you surprise us with Sam just simply taking his own life and no one else’s.  The cut to black and then what happens after is powerful.

@Shawn --

Thanks for the read, man!  And I love your revision of the first line, and totally get where you're coming from about it, I'll make sure to include it in the rewrite, whenever that may be.  Between work and school, I hardly find myself getting time to sit down and write never mind edit. (Thank Zeus for ole' weekends, eh?!)

All this stuff about tell/show, and unfilmables, is kind of new to me.  Everyone who read/commented on my feature said I needed to show more, so I am trying my best to do less tell and lots more show in my screenplays and writing from now on, so again, I appreesh the advice!

Glad you think I have an distinct voice though, that means a lot to see someone say.  And I prefer mature themes and stuff to do with relevance to teenagers in society today, so thanks!

All your pointers and tips I will include when I sit down to edit this over. I shall make sure to let you know when I post the edit.


@Reaper --

*MAJOR SPOILERS HEREAFTER*

You got it right.  Sam and Rick were a gay closest couple, however Sam himself as a person, was not.  He was open about his sexuality, where Rick was not.

I kept hinting to WHOM actually was hitting him, and then Rick says: "She was a pathetic excuse for a mom." -- on the third page, so it's kinda' like "Ah, so, we now know it was his mother, oh okay."

I am glad you enjoyed this, means a lot.  I myself reading over it, kind of see that it was leading up something, so I am glad you picked up on it.  I didn't want to make it obvious as to what was going to happen, and when he pulls out the gun I DID want people to get the "Oh shit, he's going to shoot everyone" vibe, so I am glad that crossed your mind, which means I sort of achieved that I wanted people to maybe have that idea run through their heads.

However, Rick wasn't selfish enough to do something like that.  He was just a confused, abused and lost teenager who was in the closet and his mother was beating him and he saw no other way out, but to just kill himself.

However, glad you enjoyed this, and it makes me happy you called the end perfect and powerful, wow, lol.

Curtis--let me say what I've said before, which is you show a lot of maturity in your writing for someone your age.  And I like the fact that you're willing to take on difficult subjects, like the one you've addressed in this short.

However, this one didn't work for me, I'm afraid.  I think others have commented on some of the formatting and grammatical stuff, so I just want to focus on what bothered me here, and that is (SPOILER ALERT) the suicide at the end.  Up until that point, I thought you had a good story going, and then you have this guy taking his life at the end--and in a public place.

Here's why this bothered me.  First, I've seemed to read about 7 or 8 stories here recently where suicide was the major ending to the story or used as a plot twist.  I think that is an easy out for writers who can't think of another way to resolve the situation, or they think it's going to be such a clever twist that the reader will be going "WOW! I would have NEVER seen that coming!"

Most suicides don't occur randomly.  They build up over time due to depression, external forces like bullying, or a feeling by the person that they are in such a desperate situation they have no other choice (someone who has lost everything financially, someone who has committed a crime and doesn't want to go to jail, etc.)  Your character seemed to be a fairly rational person who wouldn't do something like this so randomly.   You take a fairly strong character and turn him in to a weak one. Others on this thread obviously feel differently, so I realize I'm in the minority on this, but I would have preferred this go in a different direction.

If you still were thinking of using the suicide angle, then you probably should consider expanding this into a feature and making it a story of how the character goes into depression over a period of time until he can't take it anymore, or maybe instead you find a way for him to deal with it and how he uses that death in some positive way.

Again, this is just my opinion.   Like assholes, we all have them!  Keep on with the writing and look forward to reading more of your work.
Cheers,
Gary

Hey Gary.  

Thanks for your opinion, as with all, you'll get the good and the bad.  I knew this story wouldn't work with everyone, so I am not offended at all by what you wrote.

*MAJOR SPOILER AHEAD ALSO*

Suicide was deffo not an easy way out of this story.  I knew it would end with suicide, and I knew that was how the character would resolve everything, with one fall.  And I knew it wouldn't be a clever twist either.  The reason behind this story wasn't to try and create something original or groundbreaking -- I wanted to showcase, in a specific way, the troubles that teenagers are still going through within society.  

I wouldn't say the suicide was random.  There was a reason, obviously, as to why Rick was on the roof.  He had chosen it carefully.  I tried to portray Rick as a athletic, popular guy.  Sam, the opposite.  Rick had been abused endlessly by his mother, and finally he'd had enough, so much as to, actually kill her.  He obviously would have been put away, because he is "someone who had committed a crime and doesn't want to go to jail" like you yourself said.  I am sorry you feel that way about Rick, although the point was, I did want him to be a weak character.

Also, on top of this, he was in a secret relationship.  He is secretly gay and confused about his sexuality.  I've read enough online about real teenagers whom have killed themselves due to being confused about who they are as a person and afraid of expressing it, although that is not what this story is based on, not on any of those news articles I read.

I appreciate your critique, and although I don't agree with everything you said, I welcome feedback of any kind.

Thanks for the read

-- Curtis  

This was a good read, it was interesting, the dialogue was pretty natural, there are some unnecessary words in there but that doesn't matter, I loved the twist.  

Hey Luis.

Thanks for the read.  I find your comments a little vague.  If you found some unnecessary words in there I'd love if you pointed them out, because in the long run, it does matter if I want this to be a good almost faultless short.

Glad you liked the ending.

-- Curt

Hey Curtis,

Not sure I've read anything from you so I wasn't sure what to expect here.

Well I got to say I quite enjoyed this, even though it was a sad story.

The only thing that niggled with me was at the end.  Sam takes Rick's gun from his locker.  I wonder how he still has it, surely the Police would have taken it for evidence?  Like I say though this was really my only gripe with the story.

Good work.

Allo alffy, fellow UK resident I see!

Thanks for the read, I have actually been meaning to check out some stuff by you, strange right?  Will get on that soon!

Glad you enjoyed the story

*MAJOR SPOILERS*

And, nope.  Since Rick killed his mom, didn't tell anybody until he arrived at the high school, I guess the cops must have assumed he'd got rid of it and stashed it.

I was trying to get across that the fact Sam still had the gun a week later, was that he'd been contemplating what to do with it for all those seven days.  The gun was all he had left that had belonged to Rick, and in the end, the gun was what would restore him back to being with the guy he loved.

Thanks for the read, man!  Apreesh it a lot!

-- Curt

I'd be glad to point them out. I didn't read the reviews so If I repeat anything sorry. LOL

Actually there is an unecessary sentence, you wrote that Sam takes out sandwiches twice.

On page you put RICK(interrupting) And after that you put that Sam was cut off, we already know that he  was Interrupted so that line was unecessary.  But that is not a BIG problem.

Thats pretty much it i really enjoyed your short and I hope you like my film (if you read it).

Hi Curtis,

A good little story here, if a little depressing. But, I love all things depressing, and would much rather read something like this than a rom-com or comedy any day of the week.

I've had a quick skim through some of the comments already made about it, and I think you may already be underway with a rewrite, so forgive me if I go over old ground.

The opening slug conjured up a different image in my mind from he action detailed below it. I think this has already been brought up, but I would have liked it to have been EXT. HIGH SCHOOL ROOF - DAY, just so I knew exactly where we were.

And I'm not sure that "probably has a plethora of girls falling at his feet" was necesary, seeing as you have already described him as athletic and hot.

Sometimes, I thought that the action was a little too stop/start, and would benefit from a comma instead of a full stop. For example:

"Sam leans in, touches Rick’s hand. Rick instantly moves away, almost uncomfortable with it."

To me that reads more smoothly that how it was written before, but if that's your style and you like to write that way, that's cool.

Your dialogue was pretty good, and you managed to elicit the necessary emotions from me quite well (can you tell I liked it?). Nice job on that.

As far as the ending goes, I was initially thrown with the whole cousin thing. As someone has mentioned before, I initially thought this was about an incestual storyline. Then, when I re-read it, I realised that Sam and Rick were an item. It was a bit subtle for me, I like to be bludgeoned with flat out emotion .

Either way, Curtis, this is a good short.

Nice.

Kip.

Hey Kip.   Thanks for the read.

I think I am going to deffo change the slug-line to "EXT.  HIGH SCHOOL ROOF - DAY" then so it's easier for people to understand where we are at that moment in time.

And I guess I agree about the stop/start thing, actually yes I do agree.  I can see, after reading over it, where I could substitute a full-stop for a comma to benefit the flow of thing.

Glad you liked the dialogue though.  I tried to give Sam more, how can I put it?  More fun dialogue, and keep most of the serious stuff to Rick.

So happy you liked it, and it managed to elicit the right emotions from you!  Thanks!  Yea, I didn't want to blatantly go out there and inform the reader that they were only saying they were "cousins" to cover up how close they were.  I guess it can come across as TOO subtle at times though.

I am glad, overall you enjoyed it.  I much prefer these types of stories too, so glad we agree on that level.

-- Curt

Curtis, I wasn't really referencing Rick in my comments.  I was referring to Sam, who seemed to be a happy-go-lucky kid who (SPOILER) commits suicide in a school hallway a week after Rick dies.  That's the part that I had the difficulty with.  I just think (based on my own experiences with at-risk youth) that it would have taken him a lot longer to spiral to such a point where he felt like he had to do what he did.  That's why I make the suggestion about the feature length.  I understand you're trying to add dramatic effect to the story, and I could totally buy in to Rick's situation.  Just not Sam's at that point in time.  But like I said, just my opinion!

Totes understand all of the above Gary, I can see where you're coming from.  

I guess people are going to have different opinions about the ending.

I, personally, can see why Sam did what he did.  He was in love, he loved Rick to death, knew about the trauma Rick had been through, and in the end he just wanted to be with Rick again.

However, I can see people disagreeing and siding with the points you make in the above post, I guess it depends on who you are.  I know some peeps wont buy into it.

Either way, I apreeciate your comments a lot, so thanks very much

-- Curt

Hey Curt

2 for 2 for you today.

You shouldn't date your script, they get old fast.

a Hover Dam of tears... you like this line, it was in your other script and again it's HOOVER

This was a pretty powerful little piece from a 16 year old.
2 teenage suicides in 6 pages. I liked how you kept the tension throughout and obviously the hidden high school gay relationship. Sam losing his true love pushing him over the edge.

The cousin cover up story was neatly done and you seem to have a knack of writing about the american way of life... which to me is impressive, especially living in Northern Ireland and I know resources are a little better than I used to have especially at 16.

Nice job Curt

Mark

Hey Curtis,

I thought this was a more or less decent effort. I appreciate your choice in subject matter and found the juxtaposition between the two characters made them interesting and added an extra layer of complexity to the story.

That said, you've still got some issues. While I do hold concise, economical writing as a screenwriting virtue, I do think some leeway for flourish is merited so long as it doesn't bloat the writing or impede the flow of the script. I think phrases like "probably has a plethora of girls falling at his feet" and "trying to hold back a Hover Dam of tears" well exceed said leeway (it's Hoover Dam, btw). You should opt to use the "right" words as opposed to a lot of words. Even as flourish, I found these phrases to be more verbose than genuinely effective. Sometimes, they're just flat out redundant as the follow lines that have already illustrated the same thing.

I hated the line "Most definitely gay." First off, it quickly becomes apparent in the story that Sam is gay so there's no need to mention it. But what really bugged me is the context. One of the things I liked about your script was your exploration of the nature of appearances. Obviously, this was just one of many elements but I thought it added a lot and skimming over some of the comments here, it seems you were very conscious of that whilst writing the script. "Most definitely gay" follows a physical description of Sam thus it essentially betrays the theme of appearances before the story even gets started.

Cut it!

I'm also gonna repeat what Phil said. Those orphans have got to go. I also agree with his comment about the last line of the script. I try not to repeat what others have said in reviews but there're some things that just need to be hammered in.

I wasn't a huge fan of the dialogue. It wasn't terrible but still pretty choppy. Very melodramatic and devoid of subtlety. There's many an opportunity for the audience to infer what's going on but it seems you've opted to spell everything out, for the most part. Like your prose, it gets redundant as well. Rick mentions how his mother won't bother anybody anymore both before and after he pulls the gun out. I'd cut the second instance. The initial dialogue works quite well as is.

Sam's dialogue got on my nerves a little bit. He really didn't do a good job convincing Rick that indeed everything was going to be okay. I expect characters would want to be a little more strategic in these situations and choose their words carefully. Same goes for body language, as they would want to avoid unnerving the other character, in this case, Rick. Sam's words seem more impulsive and governed by his emotions. Maybe that's what you wanted and maybe what's right for his character as well but given the stakes, I wouldn't thought Sam would want to try harder.

Some logistics issues. Why does Rick call the police if he was going to commit suicide anyway? If he truly cares about Sam, which I believe he does, why would he give Sam the gun? I can only imagine this would complications for Sam, legally speaking for one but other respects as well.

Sam's suicide at the end didn't particularly work for me. He struck me as a character who'd be more likely to carry on and endure. Even so, the way it's written now just doesn't feel right somehow. It seems this is how you wanted the script to end so feel free to disregard this comment if you like but what can I say? I wasn't a fan.

I did like the girl referring to Rick as Sam's cousin though. Assuming you intended this to be a cover Rick and Sam, which I suspect you did, it was a nice spot of subtext for sure.

Anyway, a decent effort.

Hey Curt -

I haven't gone through all the comments, so I might be echoing what other have said already, sorry if  that is  the case.

First - I am very impressed with your writing abilities for someone of your age. I can see the future will hold many great things for you, because of your talent.

This was a great read and I only got snagged up on a couple of things while reading this.

There are a few moments in your dialogue where it felt more like exposition than dialogue

RICK
Before I called you to come up
here, I called the police.  Told
them I shot her.  They'll be here
soon.

I don't think you need the "Before I called you to come up here" It feels like you're trying to explain why Sam is up there in the first place.... You could have said in beginning "This is a strange place to meet for lunch"  and then leave this line to "It's too late, I called the police, they should be here soon." or something to that effect. This only happens a few times and the rest of your dialogue flows nice and natural.

I don't think you needed to say "An old rusty revolver" when "an old revolver" would do, if it was rusty I don't know how well it would work, but I'm just nit-picking here though.

The way you have Sam and Rick act towards each other at first I thought they had an underlying romantic love for each other but then learn they were cousins, which is fine but lines like -

RICK
I don't deserve you, Sam.  You'll
find someone.  I'm not him though.
Someone better than me.  I can't
even accept myself for Christ's
sake.

don't seem to fit this context of cousins. But maybe I'm missing something here.

Also you have Rick say "Sam" a lot in the dialogue, I don't think it sounds natural, a few times is alright IMO but in certain lines it comes off a bit odd sounding -

RICK
Well, she won't be doing it anymore
Sam.

I think "Well she won't be doing it anymore." sounds better.

The "revolver", I know you needed to get it into Sam's hands in order to have the ending play out as it did, but having Rick give it to Sam so he could shoot him, doesn't seem right to me - would you ask a friend, cousin to commit murder? I think a better way to do it, is when Sam decides to help Rick cover it up he snatches the gun in order to hide the evidence, or make sure Rick won't use it on himself, but then Sam tells him it's too late he already called the cops. Assuming I interrupted the lines "Here take this... and end it" correctly.

Sam's final end - I am on the fence here, I don't know if I believe Sam's character would just end his life because he lost his cousin, I know it would be hard and he would be depressed, but I guess I'm not sure what you want to say with this piece. I think Sam could contemplate it, even go as far as putting the gun to his head or what-have-you, but pulling the trigger. I think you might need to give clues in Sam's character that would make this more believable.

All that being said, I enjoyed the story, even with it's depressing ending. You tackled a serious subject matter in a short and pulled it off well. It is people like you who humble me.

I look forward to reading other scripts by you

Best,
Kev

Hey Curtis. Okay - I get that there's some talent here, but I hope you're going to effect it, to affect us.

Sam stops eating.  Sets his food down.  
As he turns to Sam, we finally get a full-view of his face.  
A purple bruise graces his cheek.

So Sam stops eating. Fine, I'm with you there, and we're done with him not eating. Except he sets his food down - Sam, that is, not quite done, and out of the read for a second, but okay. Could have gone with 'Sam stops eating, and sets his food down.' but okay. --

'As he turns to Sam...'
-- is a new line, and we take our subject from the previous line, so Sam turns to Sam, but we know that you really mean Rick, so okay. Well, okay-ish, 'coz on p.1 we had:
'Rick turns his head to see --', but okay, didn't spot the bruise there, and okay again, short time later that with the intro on Sam we'll ignore the subject-less sentence, that's cool, give you that one too.

'He looks out over the landscape again as wind wisps past both the teenagers.' Uh. Okay, I'll give you his one as well. I don't know what the visual here is - maybe their hair's flipped up by the wind. Wind's generally invisible etc.

'Sam leans in, touches Rick’s hand.  But Rick instantly moves away.  Almost uncomfortable with it.' This is okay, but I didn't get the impression that he moved far until ...

'Sam gets to his feet and moves across to sit down beside Rick.' So that presented as a bit of a mis-match.

SAM
It’s going to be okay.
-- which is isn't and came across a bit lame. I'd really think that Sam would be awash with confusing emotions at this point.

'Sam locks eyes with Rick.  Who is void of emotion.  His eyes glassy.  Dejected.'
-- again that period is trying for impact, but just loses out.

I think that this is an effective short that tells its own story. Unfortunately, I think you've tried too hard to sell what can be sold easily, and it's resulted in over-selling, attempted over-dramatizing by an ill-matched writing style.

Story-wise, how would it have held out if you'd had Sam take the gun on the roof and try and shoot himself? The issue of the cousins is a bit hit and miss. Say you drop the kiss, then there is the subtle suggestion that they are gay, but it's not overt, so we've got a question mark there.

Minor point - I think Sam should reference the phone call when he first sees Rick - feels like a heavy-handed late reference when the police arrive.

This works, I just don't think that you need to over-work it to get the most out of it.

Hey Curt,

Tough subjects to tackle and I feel you did a great job with it. Family abuse, 2 gay teen cousins (one out of the closet, the other is not) and two suicides. Wow! For a 16 year old your writing is pretty good and as you continue to get great advise from other reviewers your writing will only get that much better.

There's some mistakes throughout that have already been pointed out to you so no need to repeat what others have already said. The story itself was good and I enjoyed the little twist at the end.

Good luck.

- Dirk

@Mark -- Thanks for checking out this Mark, two for two is right, will have to be taking a look at some more of your work soon!  Thanks for the comments!  And damn, why do I keep spelling it wrong?!  And yes, without blowing my own horn here, I have had others say to me that I do have a knack for writing American characters/American way of life.

@James -- Hey James, others have already pointed out to me about less is more, so shall be taking on your advice, and will listen to what everyone's been saying about the orphans.  I'm just 16, and new to this stuff, so I hope you'll try to forgive me, I also totally agree with what you're saying regarding the "gay" line, will be cutting it in the edited draft.

Thanks for the further comments on the story, and glad you picked up on the sub-text at the end.

@SiCo -- Thanks for the comments, man!  Good and bad, will be listening to everything you said and considering it during rewrites, everything technical you pointed out I shall try to revise and fix.

@Dirk -- They weren't really cousins.  Rick and Sam were a couple.  Sam was out of the closet, Rick was not and the "cousin" thing was a cover-up, so they could explain why they were close/with each other all the time/got along.

Thanks, I am only 16, so it's nice to see people say that for my young age, I am a little ahead already, even though I knowww I have a lot to learn.

Glad you enjoyed

-- Curt

Hey Curt,

Nice work here.

Quoted from James McClung I wasn't a huge fan of the dialogue. It wasn't terrible but still pretty choppy. Very melodramatic and devoid of subtlety. There's many an opportunity for the audience to infer what's going on but it seems you've opted to spell everything out, for the most part. Like your prose, it gets redundant as well. Rick mentions how his mother won't bother anybody anymore both before and after he pulls the gun out. I'd cut the second instance. The initial dialogue works quite well as is.(...) Sam's suicide at the end didn't particularly work for me. He struck me as a character who'd be more likely to carry on and endure. Even so, the way it's written now just doesn't feel right somehow. It seems this is how you wanted the script to end so feel free to disregard this comment if you like but what can I say? I wasn't a fan. I did like the girl referring to Rick as Sam's cousin though. Assuming you intended this to be a cover Rick and Sam, which I suspect you did, it was a nice spot of subtext for sure.

Wanted to second these comments and build on them a bit with my personal experience --

As soon as Rick says "She was drunk," I knew that it was his mother (or an aunt or something).

When Rick says, "Remember the promise...?" I knew that he was talking about going dry because she wouldn't beat her kid if she was drunk.

When Sam asks, "What happened?" We know. Something bad happened, she got drunk as a coping mechanism. The actual story -- her boyfriend broke up with her over the phone -- doesn't necessarily add something that we don't already understand.

Sam says, "She always does this to you." We know. Rick said, "She hit me *again*," signalling that it's ongoing.

Sam says, "What do you mean?" We know. His eyebrows just furrowed in the action line above. That look means the same thing as the line in movie language. Sam has to talk here, because the intention of his line is to reconnect with or to gain understanding of Rick. But having someone say "What do you mean" and furrow their brow is redundant. So this is an opportunity for a more interesting line.

Rick says, "She won't be a problem ever again." We know. Especially if the actor's good, which he will be, we know from the way he said it the first time.

What I'm trying to get across here is that you're over-writing, and you give the sense that you don't trust your own writing (and/or the audience). We're with you on this story -- your dialogue gets information across quickly, more quickly than you give it credit for here. I would go through and really think about what exactly each line of dialogue might reasonably communicate to the reader in terms of exposition. I mentioned "intent" above, too; another helpful exercise can be to go through and figure out what the exact intent of each line is for the character saying it. This can help cut down on redundancy as well.

--

I don't like the end either. I think that's all that need be said. It plays melodramatic to me and I think it blunts the effectiveness of the story overall.

--

The "cousin" thing is definitely clear and works well. Great work on that moment, very slick.

I think the story is engaging and that one of its great strengths is that Rick and Sam are actually interesting and have some dimension to them. Not only do they not feel flat, they also don't feel too stereotypical, which is a pretty great sign for your writing in general. In its current form I think that this one is more or less undone by its dialogue, but your strong sense of character and willingness to tackle a simple story of human connection suggests to me that you've got some great subsequent drafts in you. Thanks for the read, I enjoyed it.

Chris

Thanks for the comments Hertic.   I will work on cuttings things out and trying not to fill in the exposition and everything else on the next draft, which should be posted sometime this Sunday.

-- Curt

Curtis

Page by page notes/reactions

Perhaps I’m being too cold and perhaps his mother is a big woman...but since Rick is an “athletic” 17 year old, I'd be telling him, as a mate, to man the fu?k up!

RICK
Jack Daniels got to her after her
boyfriend broke up over the phone
with her. She went nuts.

- Bit of a clunky line, the word “her” is used three times.
Maybe change it to:

“Jack Daniels took control after her boyfriend bailed, over the phone. She went nuts”

"Rick reaches inside his jacket, and when he pulls out his
hand, he holds an old rusted REVOLVER."

- Reads a little awkwardly, could be tightened and punched up a little.
For example:

“Rick reaches inside his jacket...pulls out his
hand, grips an old rusted REVOLVER.”

“Who is void of emotion.”

- Should be “devoid” instead of “void”

“Hover Dam of tears.”

- Its spelt “Hoover” The phrase is a tad overwrought too, a little overt for my tastes.

GIRL (CONT’D)
I’m sorry to hear about your
cousin.

- Oh, there’s a bombshell!

Do you believe that Rick and his mother fought over his sexual inclinations, and further still, who exactly he has been sexually inclined towards? Did you try to imply this? I couldn't see any indications so I'm assuming you didn't and blame it totally on her drinking and boyfriend walking out. It might be something to consider though as it would add an extra dimension to Sam's grief. I mean, he's gotta right to feel suicidal as it is but this would further justify his final decision.

Plus, it makes me think twice about my first comment above.

Pretty dark but powerful stuff here, Curtis. It’s certainly an interesting terrain to explore. The matter of homosexuality, particularly among the youth is a thorny subject. At least where I’m from, many don’t come out until after the finish school, and for obvious though unacceptable reasons. The added revelation here that Rick and Sam were related really ups the emotional clout behind events.

The highly charged scene on the roof may stray into melodrama but I think you rein it in well enough. A lot would depend on the quality of the actors delivering the lines. I find with scenes of that heavy tone and content will either sink or swim depending on said criteria…and when they sink it can be pretty cringe worthy viewing but when it works, it soars and can really captivate and move the audience. There’s not a more powerful emotional response then that in cinema I reckon.

Anyway, good effort.

Col.

Hey Curt,

You’ve been busy lately and it looks like that’s paid off, hopefully I’m not too late to the party here to help.

This is pretty dark tale with lots of components to it – sexuality, abuse and suicide. All of these on their own can make for a dark story and I applaud you for attempting such a story. I think you share a lot in common with the other youngling (Star Wars reference) Mr. Botha, in that you both deal with quite adult themes for such a young age.

I liked the story on the whole I guess but I wished it didn’t become so melodramatic at the end with the sobbing and all. I also think this might have worked from a different perspective – I’ll throw it out for thought.

What if Rick wanted to run away with Sam, he’s committed a terrible crime and wants to run away with the person he loves, yet hides from the world. Sam rejects this invitation and feels it’s best for Rick to serve his time if you will and then they can be together – this pushes Rick to total abandonment in his mind so he commits suicide which then leaves Sam with the guilt over his death. This would also give Sam’s final moments more motivation because I didn’t quite believe he would have killed himself – he seemed like the type to grief but then grow stronger.

Just an idea – yours to take or leave.

There is some really nice moments like the cousin reveal which is a good element and well suited-I didn’t understand its full meaning until reading through the comments but it’s a nice touch.

The dialogue has been mentioned – some of it does come off repetitive and feel unnecessary while I also felt it came off as forced to enlighten the reader. Feel you could pull this off without being so detailed.

The writing is a little bit on the downside, it’s not bad by any stretch but there are a lot of little niggles that when all added up can make the difference. A lot has already been said so I don’t want to keep going over it but one thing I noticed which I haven’t seen mentioned is the awkward phrasing at times.

There is one moment where the two police cars turn up and actually run across the lawn armed with guns like a pair of Transformers. Keep an eye out for this type of thing, it could just be a missing word that completely change the meaning of a sentence.

Give it a re-write and polish and you could have something really powerful here – lots of potential for sure.

Good luck with it.

Steve

Curt,

I haven't read any of the comments so I'm coming in fresh here.

This was a nice little dramatic short you have here. Being gay myself, the characters are more relatable to me than the usual in a lot of scripts that I read.

There are quite a few spelling and grammar issues floating around, but I'm sure after a few more careful read throughs you'd be able to pick them out and give them a quick fix.

Some people were pointing out that you write a little too much for your descriptions and that you need to cut it down. I personally don't mind that you do add a bit of zest in your descriptions. Yeah, screenplay descriptions are supposed to be short, sweet, and to the point, but if you really want the reader to see exactly what you see, it's always nice to add an adjective or too. I do it it. And I've seen professional Hollywood scripts that do the same thing—some of  them even write what the camera wouldn't be able to see (such as your "plethora of girls" comment you make at the beginning of the script.

What I said about reading the previous comments is sort of a lie. I did read the first one, and I saw that they said something about the "cousins" part. It crossed my mind that they said they were cousins to cover the fact that they were together, but then my dirtier mind went to the idea that they were actually cousins and I thought that they were taking part in incest. That's a nice little add-on, because it seems very realistic. In middle and high school I've had people ask me if my friends and I were brother and sister, or cousins, or something, just because we hung out so much.

There was also the mention that it gets a little melodramatic at some points. For me, that'd be at the end when he shoots himself in the school. The fact that he does it at the school to me is pretty melodramatic. It seems to be a cry for attention to me, rather than a suicide of grief. Unless he did it because Rick committed suicide at the school as well, then I feel as though that something as personal as this would be take care of in privacy at home, or in an empty parking lot in a car. I dunno, that's just me.

The dialogue was well-written and seemed to flow well, so good job with that. Not too much to complain there.

Overall I enjoyed this. Heavy subject, but it was handled well, maybe with some parts being super dramatic, but when you've cut it down to 7 pages, then you have to go all out in order to get the idea across that this has been happening for a while and we've awkwardly walked in on the peak of the problem.

Sean

Quoted from CoopBazinga What if Rick wanted to run away with Sam, he’s committed a terrible crime and wants to run away with the person he loves, yet hides from the world.

I think this is a kick-ass idea. Hugely ups the stakes by having the possibility of (we imagine) a happily-ever-after. Even if we only get to imagine it for a moment -- if it's a small moment in the script rather than central -- I think it'd add a ton.

Thanks everyone for the continued feedback and criticisms, going to try and have a revised version done and submitted on Sunday

However, I was recently contacted by a girl studying a Masters in Directing TV and Film earlier today, and she wants to shoot THIS version of the script during the summer, and would like me to work on more short scripts with her!

Nothing is set in stone yet, however I did get some advice on how to go about this.  I will be asking her whether she wants to go ahead with this version, or with a rewritten version, and see how things go from there, just waiting on her reply.

Anyway, I am so buzzed!  There is a very high possibility that this will get produced!

-- Curt

Hi Curt,

I just read it.
Overall I liked it. I think it's written well too.

You kept me glued to the screen - was a fast read for me. Only I didn't like the ending and not because it was tragic - it just wasn't about Sam at all and that's why I was impartial to his death.
Also, when Sam was left on that roof - I thought that the police would pin the murder on him. Somehow it was never discussed later. Maybe you show Sam leave or something?

Nice short.

Hey Curt,

Not bad at all buddy, not bad at all.

I watched a brilliant independent British film yesterday called Weekend, and that touched on many of the same themes as this short (a gay guy who doesn't really accept himself has a one-night-stand with a much more open gay dude, and then it tracks their relationship as it blossoms over a 24hr period; highly recommend checking it out if you haven't already).

I had a quick scan of the comments that others have already made, and there have been some great ones in regards to the actual writing and formatting of this one, so I won't bother repeating what others have said.

I'll comment instead on the story.

Overall, I liked it. Only thing that I didn't like was Sam killing himself. I thought that was when your script crossed the line from dramatic to melodramatic. Now how would I recommend you change it? I'm not too sure right now buddy, unfortunately. But I will have a little think and get back to you if I come up with anything.

Also, I think it might be good if maybe Rick's mom knows about his sexuality, and maybe that's why she's so hateful towards him? Maybe if it's only a comment like "she called me a faggot, and so I shot her", or something like that. I think that would further highlight how unaccepting of his sexuality Rick is, and maybe hint at the reason why he is so anxious/ against coming out.

The cousin comment; now, whilst cool, I've seen a few people at first thought "eww, incest!" That was my initial thoughts as well, and then I put two-and-two together, and presumed it was a way for them to remain as a closeted couple. Is it necessary? I'm not really sure. It might confuse a few people. And also, can cousins get away with anything two best friends can't?

But yeah, nice short overall mate.

All the best.

Toby.

Curt,

An outstanding opening. I think that you should change your title to A Suicidal Day
instead of A Perfect Day. And also your story might be more stunning, if you changed your logline to An example of perfect premeditated murder down to the last minute.

Good Story Curt.

Want to say thanks to everyone for the continued feedback.  

I haven't looked at this in a while, and this weekend, I am making it my prioroty to get this revised, and I might even change the ending, I'm not sure.  I'm on the fence with Sam.

I have totally neglected this thread an I apologize greatly for it.

Hope to even, maybe, get more reads, which could then help me decide with the correct route to go down for the ending, the same or new?  Hmm.

Hopefully a better draft is posted this weekend.

-- Curt

Hey Curtis,

I like the log line. So I read the script - not really sure how to feel about it. The ending is bleak. No feeling of hope, no redemption. Everybody loses. I was just glad that Rick didn't end up shooting the students from the rooftop (which I thought at first he was going to do).

Back to the ending... I'm not so sure that Sam would commit suicide solely based on the loss of his cousin Rick. There's also some underlying connotations with that relationship, which I thought was well done (their cousins, but there's a hint that maybe that they were more than that).

And committing suicide at his locker after looking at a photo of him and Rick - feels overly melodramatic and borderline cliche (I thought of the scene in the first Lethal Weapon when Mel Gibson is staring at a photo of his dead wife and sticks a gun in his mouth).

The act of suicide at school makes the story feel generic too, if that makes any sense. It feels like there's no world outside of the school - Rick committed suicide at school, now Sam. I guess a better way to explain it is that it feels like we're on the set of a film watching the story being filmed rather than us being in the middle of a real situation. Almost an after-school special kind of vibe.

Also, the way it read, it felt like the cops saw Sam on the rooftop with the gun (which was also the murder weapon Rick used to kill his mother). Wouldn't the cops speak with Sam after Rick jumps from the building? And wouldn't they at least look for a murder weapon?

The dialogue was a bit too "on the nose" (I hate using this term) at parts. A lot of exposition. I felt there were ways to get the point across without being so obvious with the "poor excuse for a mother" kind of stuff. We see he's bruised and we see the gun in his hand - maybe just a "I killed her" line. No need for the "she hit me again" and "she promised me she'd stop drinking" stuff. Or least be more subtle with it.

As for the writing, not bad on the most part. But on page 1:

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Blue skies. Not a cloud in sight. A perfect day.

RICK (17) -- athletic, hot, probably has a plethora of girls falling at his feet sits on the roof of a small and gritty three-storey high school. He has his legs pulled up to his chest. His eyes scan the surroundings.

BELOW

Lunch is in session. Students scatter the grass lawns outside the building.

I'd describe the weather and then school - students scattered across the school grounds eating lunch.

Then I'd write:

ON THE ROOF

And then introduce Rick. And show him looking down at the students (no need for BELOW)

Also, Rick's intro reads awkward to me. It almost sounds like a plethora of girls are with him on the roof because you don't have a comma after describing him.

Also, you could have just said "Handsome and athletic".

SAM (O.S.)
Hey stranger.

BACK TO SCENE

Rick turns his head to see --

SAM (16) -- blonde, innocent looking. An out-going boy with feminine features. Most definitely gay.

No need for the BACK TO SCENE. And the "definitely gay" bit of description could probably be taken out. It puts the image of a stereotype in our heads. We kind of see he's gay through the way the conversation carries.

Overall, not a bad attempt by any means, but it could use some work. I think the characters can use a little bit more depth. And maybe take us away from the school at parts. And hit us with some different turns that aren't expected. A suggestion, maybe have Sam go to his own home and he's going through the same thing with his parents - thinks about killing them but doesn't - or something to give Sam more of a full arc (as of now, he's talking Rick out of suicide, then commits suicide himself, but I don't feel it's enough).

-- Michael

Wow.  Forgot about this again, lol.  Deffo will be taking on all your suggestions in my rewrite (when this rewrite will happen, I still dunno, time is a bitch...).

I LOVE your suggestion about Sam at the end though, will really be taking that on board, I have an idea now!

-- Curt

Very nice i liked that you build up surprise after surprise.
1. He killed his mother.
2. He is gay.
3. He killed mother in cold blood
4. They are cousins.  

I loved that 5 stars

Hey,
Thought I'd give this a read.  You're a regular and they always say to read the regulars, so...
Pg 1.  probably has a plethora of girls falling at his feet...
--they say to stay away from unfilmables, but I'm a fan of descriptive prose, so I think this works.  Some of the best writers do it.  
pg 2...she hit me again --I don't know, I thought at first he might be talking about his girlfriend.  
Page 4 -- it's Hoover Dam, but you knew that already!
And the screen fades to black, then the gunshot.  I'm assuming Sam shot himself, but you can't see it.  Just a shot and a screaming girl.
This is a dark commentary on the human condition--most notably physical abuse at the hands of a drunk parent.  How it spirals out of control, affecting not only Rick but his cousin as well, whether or not he actually killed himself.
The one thing I would have liked to see is HOPE, or some sort of irony at the end.  Perhaps Sam lives and is able to live his life with a lesson learned.  Or perhaps, in  a struggle for the gun on the rooftop, Sam accidentally gets pushed off the roof.  Now Rick has to learn a lesson while he spends the rest of his days toiling away in jail?  
Just my opinion, though.
Either way, it was well written, descriptive.
Regards,
Steve

Hey Steven,

Wow.  I'm considered a regular?  That makes me feel all special and tingly inside, lol!

Most of what you've said about the spelling and the unfilmables have been addressed by previous posters, but this was my first ever attempt at a short, and I think I have improved leaps and bounds in these past couples months when I look at my writing now.

I'm doing rewrites on this and will be changing the ending, as to supply hope for Sam and make this less depressing.  You're spot on about the social commentary.  I wanted to make it dark and and a touchy subject matter that happens all the time.

(P.S: Sam and Rick were not really cousins.  I made them different in appearance and the only reason they said they were cousins was too cover up their closeness/being together all the time.  Well, that's what I hoped would be implied, it was a little too vague.)

And yes, the ending, you were right about Sam and the gun.  But I'm writing a new ending, so in the coming weeks, expect a rewrite/new draft in the thread.  Thanks so much for the read!

-- Curt

Hi there, I managed to read the whole of your script  There were mistakes, but I persevered all the same.-

- 'hot' - maybe a better describing word? Classically good-looking, etc...

- 'Most definitely gay' - does it need to be this obviously pointed out? Can't we work that out from proceedings/dialogue etc?

Dark subject matter with the shootings and suicide - it was such a quick read though it was really hard to get into it. I take it you were writing this to produce yourself? Or with a producer in mind? Unfilmables often add a little bit of flare to your writing, so I would concentrate more on getting the story right before you worried too much about those - and as I say if you're producing this yourself or going to be involved in production then if the unfilmables make you comfortable and would help you translate your idea onto the screen then there's no problem with that.

I'd like to see you try your hand at something feature length maybe. Bust your writing chops wide open and see what happens.

Hey Goose, thanks for the read.

The draft you read was written a while ago.  I've learned a lot since then.  My two others short on here are much better written and have been much better received.  This short was my first attempt at a short and IMO needs a lot of work.  Most of what you said has already been noted by others, but thanks anyways!

I won't be producing this myself as I don't have the equipment or crew.  Two film students contacted me on different occasions on wanting to produce this but both filmmakers never followed through, sadly!  But at the same time, I'm happy, because at the moment it's certainly not ready to be shot by someone.

I have a new draft almost done, but it could use another third draft also.

I've written three features actually.  Two are posted on here.  Run For Your Life is a drapery that needs major work, and an have a horror script on here that also needs major rewrites.  I also have a third spec written that needs major editing and story changes.

Thanks for the read.

-- Curt

What??? LOL I didn't know you have features.  Do I have to go digging for 'em or are they easy to find (can you send links)?

Yea.  The first one I posted was Run For Your Life.  It was my first attempt at a feature script that wasn't fan fiction.  It's not very good though and needs major story changes and editions.

The second is The Black Bay Woods.  A horror.  I wrote it in honor of movies like Blair Witch, Evil Dead, Cabin Fever, etc.  It was a love letter to those type of isolated forest-setting scripts.  It's nothing originally, but it needs less work than Run.  Just edited a little bit.

Both those scripts don't really showcase my talents like my shorts, since my features a less better written and need work, lol.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

THE BLACK BAY WOODS

Features are a hard 'un to master.

I'll be taking a look - I'll get back to you!

Hi Curtis

I’ve just read this and then I scanned through the comments. I agree with most of what they have said and I also note you said you’ve got a new draft which should address the issues so I’ll just add a personal opinion.

Although that could easily be a scene straight out of a movie and it was well written (apart for the issues already mentioned/addressed) it didn’t work for me. Tragedy piled upon tragedy in a concentrated burst is an obvious choice to get noticed or to impact people emotionally but unless I’ve got to know the characters and what drives them, unless I know their hopes, their dreams, their beliefs, how high they’ve tried to fly but ultimately how low the reality of their life has become; then I don’t buy it.

I didn’t like Sam and Rick because I didn’t know them. I didn’t believe what they did because it made no sense. It was like watching a rushed ending to a movie. I would suggest fleshing this out. Set it over a few days or even a few years. Let’s see these characters as more than one-dimensional caricatures .

I realise this is just a short and you were just trying things out so just bear it in mind for future projects.

Mark