Quoted from CoopBazinga Hey Libby, thanks for coming back - sorry I'm a bit late in replying. Steve

No problem Steve.

Just a couple of things in final reply to you.

You definitely made me think about, and examine the 'happy' tone of the script again.

I think ultimately I was trying to paint a picture of 'normal' or at least of Lizzie's POV of the world around her, and then juxtapose this with the final scene in which she learns a lesson about the harsh realities of life for the first time and then basically falls on her arse (metaphorically, of course).

Though the general picture of suburbia will remain the same overall - the feedback received so far means I will probably rough up a few things here and there, just so the read itself is not quite so 'sweet'.

And, I am going to attempt to write another version with no dialogue, as an experiment if nothing else, and to see if I'm even capable of doing it. Wish me luck.  

Thanks again for your input, cobber.  

Libby,

A couple things I'd like to say, variation from what's been already said.

"A quiet street, long and straight, crossing an intersection,
with a steep hill to the north end. "

I was really confused by this. I think you've got the wrong wording here. Is the street itself crossing the intersection that already exists, therefore there are three roadways at the intersection? Or is the street intersecting with another road? I read this like seven times to make heads or tails of it and I just couldn't.

"LIZZIE GARNER (12) blonde, cute, but not yet a �looker�" I don't fully know what you're trying to get across as her being "a 'looker'" I mean, she's twelve.

"Lizzie turns her head to see NINA GARNER (15) also blonde,
behind her. She�s got three years on Lizzie and it shows,
she�s more woman than girl. "

I don't understand how she can be more "woman" than girl when she's 15?? If she's more mature in appearance, fine. But that seems just odd kind of description.

I could never really understand if Lizzie liked the boy and that's why she wanted the scooter or if she just wanted the scooter to fit in with the other kids, or to be part of their group or what. It was unclear to me and it seems that if the former is the case (she cared about the boy) you should have emphasized this a lot more to gather more sympathy from your audience.

Pg. 4 INT. GARNER KITCHEN - NIGHT -- this scene seemed completely unnecessary to me.

"The family sit amongst the rubble of Christmas wrapping
paper. "

I don't think rubble is the right word here.

"
DAD
It�s got everything. Twelve and
half inch pump-up tyres, front and
rear lights, a bugle horn...
...chrome mudguards - also front
and rear, a flower basket for your
knick-knacks. It�s the latest
Cyclops, finished in iridescent
cherry-red."

This might be a technicality, but I don't think this line works. Why would the girl care? Why wouldn't the dad say something that she would understand?

I like what you did with it. It's not exactly original as a story, but I think you were able to pull off some of it.

That's about it. Good luck with writing and rewriting,

-J.S.

Just acknowledging your feedback J.S.

First off, I think a few of things you mention are definitely personal choice/style in writing, but I'll clarify a couple of the points you made, least the way I see them.

Re the description of the street, I didn't think it was confusing but I'll take another look at it, to be sure.

In answer to your question re the girls' ages/appearances. Lizzie (cute, not yet a looker) is at that awkward 'ugly duckling' stage. You know the kid you meet when you're also a kid, but maybe a couple of years older, and then you see that same kid again a couple of years down the track and she's morphed into a 'looker'. And, Nina? Well, she's already there... & beyond. She's the 15/16 year old who you'd swear is 25, if she's a day. So, yes she's definitely more woman than girl.

I can't really agree with you on the, 'is it the scooter' or the 'boy' she wants - i.e. in spelling it out for the audience. I did comment on this before, and I think it's kinda good that the audience can't work out which, or both. It's up to you, really, what you get from it. But, I appreciate your opinion.

As regards, Dad's speech. I don't know about you but in my neck of the woods, boys will be boys and love to quote specs. Dad's gone out and bought the top model and he's proud as punch. You're right in that Lizzie wouldn't care much in that particular moment - she's just thrilled she got her Scooter. Then again, remember being a kid? Remember getting the dud model, or the second hand model... I think in that moment she's thrilled it's got all the latest bells & whistles... or, she would have been if not for what happened next.

The scene at night with Lizzie and her Mum, is Lizzie trying to bring up the subject of the scooter, and then in the next room with Dad trying to do the same thing. Sorry that wasn't clear to you.

Having said that, I'm glad you liked it overall J.S. and thanks for taking the time to read & offer your thoughts.

Hey Libby,

Anything Sydney-related will catch my attention. It may be 2 years since I lived in that wonderful city, but I'll be living with it in my mind for the rest of my years. I recall the old footage of Sydney harbour in Man On A Wire and I'd have loved to experience 70s Sydney. Alas, I digress.

You do a very nice job of portraying the vulnerability of a little girl when she seemingly meets a boy who will send her little head off in a tizz. But that brings me to the central question, and underlying query about this script. There's a subtle probing of Lizzy's motivations that she never gets to air and I think that's crucial. Her family all assume the motivation is Aaron, but she's shutdown on questioning a few times, suggesting there was a different motivation - was this intentional?

Quoted Text LIZZIE It’s not about Aaron Spencer, you know... NINA I know. LIZZIE ...It’s about... NINA I know. (pause) Night.

Quoted Text DAD Nina tells us you’re pretty keen on the boy up the road. LIZZIE What? No. I...I mean he seems nice, but that’s not why I...

Unless I'm missing something, she never gets to ask that question and yet it seems so fundamental to the script and is left unresolved. If it's intentional, presumably it's a subtle message you're imbuing the script with and would appear to be the central conflict that I think others are right in mentioning is overtly missing.

Amusingly, the trick they play on her with the present reveal reminds me of the same trick my mum would play on me and my siblings when we were young, so you instantly reconnected me with my fond memories, and any good script needs that glue between the fiction unfolding in front of you and your own reality. Nice job.

I agree that the end lacks the punch it should have. Part of that is because I think the script is too long as it is. It does carry an interesting observation on life, though. Oh, and as others have said, your craft here is truly lovely.

Hi Andrew, it's been a while! Hope you're doing well. And thanks for giving this a read.

Re: the 70s I think the main thing that would be different about Sydney now would be that everything's just a bit bigger - bigger houses, bigger cars, and bigger toys in general.

You hit the nail on the head with those quoted dialogue lines btw! Ever have two things in your head competing with each other? And everyone around you keeps mentioning only one of them? I'm sure you have. In my mind it was always, not just about the boy. Like I said before somewhere, I didn't see any point really in only presenting one thing...

Quoted from Andrew I agree that the end lacks the punch it should have. Part of that is because I think the script is too long as it is. It does carry an interesting observation on life, though. Oh, and as others have said, your craft here is truly lovely.

Hmm, I thought the general consensus was that the 'punch' ending works for most, but the length is something I'm taking a look at in the next draft - perhaps it is diluting it a bit. Thank you for your other compliments!

And, the good news is I'm getting quite a bit of interest in this - nothing firm yet, but here's hoping.

P.S.

Quoted from Andrew Hey Libby, Anything Sydney-related will catch my attention. It may be 2 years since I lived in that wonderful city, but I'll be living with it in my mind for the rest of my years.

Hey, drop in and see us next time you're down here! You'll be most welcome.

Libby

Great opening page, love the writing, great sense of time and place, a certain nostalgia, acute character descriptions too.

“At the table - MUM (40s) an apron permanently tied to her
waist.”

- How can we, the audience, possibly discern that the apron is “permanently tied to her waist”. A small thing but unfilmmable nonetheless.

The bedroom scene between the two girls throws a nice curve ball getting you thinking that there is more going on, unknown for the time being, besides the potential pre-teen romance.

Seven pages in and I’m not sure where this is going, finding hard to get to grips with the tone which is not necessarily a bad thing. Is it as naïve and light as it lets itself on to be? Is she just nervous about asking her Dad for a scooter or is it setting things us up for a sucker punch, something more sinister.

You really had me going right to the end in that I thought this was just going to be a sweet, delicately told, if straight forward and relatively conflict-less trip down rose tinted memory lane. However the final twist is beautifully played and all my reservations vanished, well done.

Col.

Hi Libby,

Good work on painting the picture of a time when kids could roam around the streets care free, I really enjoyed it.

You did get me at the end though, I thought she would ride like the wind and go arse over.

Anyway great job

Michael

Quoted from Colkurtz8 You really had me going right to the end in that I thought this was just going to be a sweet, delicately told, if straight forward and relatively conflict-less trip down rose tinted memory lane. However the final twist is beautifully played and all my reservations vanished, well done. Col.

Thanks so much for the read, Col. I was really touched by your comments and I'm glad the script ultimately worked for you and that the twist was satisfying. Point me in the direction of one of your scripts if you'd like a return read. I notice you have a few to choose from...

Quoted from trickyb ...You did get me at the end though, I thought she would ride like the wind and go arse over. Anyway great job Michael

Hi trickyb, (I like that username btw) that's a funny & vivid image you put into my head and I chuckled when I read it. Thanks for the read, and let me know if you'd also like a return read. And welcome to SS Michael.

Libby

Hey Libby, I liked this script for the most part. 'A slice of life' story thats a nice read!

I'd like to second what Steve said about the Aussie slang. It would make it more interesting and add a touch of humour which would be nice!

Best Lou

Sorry it took me a while to respond Loulou.

While I appreciate your comments - if the story, setting and characters fitted then I'd use Aussie slang but to use it arbitrarily in this story would be insincere, & like I said to Steve I'd run the risk of it sounding cartoonish. All Aussies don't speak as the stereotype suggests. 'Dead-cert' was as far as I took it cause this was a common colloquialism of the 70's for a girl of Lizzie's age.

Happy you liked the story overall though. If you'd like anything read, let me know.

So... this is going into production?

Quoted from Forgive So... this is going into production?

Hey Simon,

Well, it was...

Was slated for late last year. Producer told me she would update me re filming etc.

Not a word from her now, or her Production Company, which seems to have disappeared from the net. and my follow up email was ignored. A familiar story with many I expect and I'll be much more careful with contracts next time, - no time limit specified on mine with her, so...

I would have liked to offer it to someone else.
Frustrating, and really disappointing, but you live and learn.

Yeah - sorry to hear about that. It's part of the territory I guess. If you're contracted, there should be an address for correspondence, so you could give notice and a time-frame for a response -- if you don't hear anything within a reasonable time, just give her notice that you assume the contract is void unless they direct otherwise. They can't keep you to it indefinitely, especially if they are no longer viable as a company.

Code Mum and Dad exchange a glance the girls do not see.

Great line.



Excellent little story. Not my thing, but well executed and I didn't see the ending coming. Dialogue is great throughout, very visually told. Nice job.

Quoted from Forgive Yeah - sorry to hear about that. It's part of the territory I guess. If you're contracted, there should be an address for correspondence, so you could give notice and a time-frame for a response -- if you don't hear anything within a reasonable time, just give her notice that you assume the contract is void unless they direct otherwise. They can't keep you to it indefinitely, especially if they are no longer viable as a company.

Good idea, Simon. I was planning on sending her a letter as opposed to an email, and your idea of giving her 'notice' is definitely the way to go. I looked through the agreement again and there's nothing about exclusivity except for her end product (film).

The original agreement stipulated she would actually own the story/script in perpetuity! Perhaps she got the contract off the Internet. I had her change that quick-smart.  

I'm looking forward now to hopefully somebody else picking it up. Had other offers and declined - silly me. Like I said, you live and learn. Thanks for your advice and for bringing this up to the portal again. Much appreciated.