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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Scooter Moderators: bert
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  Author    Scooter  (currently 11200 views)
LC
Posted: June 16th, 2014, 3:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Code

Mum and Dad exchange a glance the girls do not see.


Great line.

Excellent little story. Not my thing, but well executed and I didn't see the ending coming. Dialogue is great throughout, very visually told. Nice job.


Thanks Dustin! I appreciate you giving this a read and considering it's not usually your thing I'm glad the ending came as a surprise.   





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SteveClark
Posted: June 17th, 2014, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Never read anything from you before, and you've read a bunch of my stuff, so...

Thought this was really good. Well written and cohesive. The only issue I had was that it could probably be trimmed down a little. Nothing major, page -- half page. You seem to have some unnecessary exposition in there that really doesn't add anything to your story. If you went back with a fine toothed comb I'm sure you'd find words you can chop off, as well. Anything to save a line or two.

But otherwise fine by me. Enjoyed your end reveal, too. You did a good job of capturing that special time in a twelve year olds life when they're just learning that they're really attracted to the opposite sex, and the awkwardness that goes with it. As well as doing what they can to impress that person.

Very good. Hope to see more from you soon!

Steve


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LC
Posted: January 26th, 2015, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,

This one got buried - I had meant to reply, sorry. Thanks for the feedback mate. I will definitely look at the points you made.

This was with a production company in Florida for quite a while but I've since discovered the production company is no longer - gone from drama into advertising apparently.

So, Scooter is once again available for production. Little shameless self-promotion there but I think this would make a pretty good family-friendly (with a message) short film. Here's hoping anyway.


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Cmantics
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 6:13am Report to Moderator
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Hi Libby

Nice to see something set in Sydney - my home town! Of course, it could be set anywhere and work so well. I enjoyed reading this one a lot, a touching and sweet piece with a sad(ish) ending (nothing wrong with that, though, as it makes us feel something deeper). It took me back to my own childhood, feelings of wanting that something special, having a crush on someone, interacting with an older sibling, how things in a kid's life can be so ephemeral - and parents loving me (at least one of my parents did!).

I read comments by others to this one. Somethings I agree with (e.g. some minor grammatical aspects e.g. doin versus doin'). But I disagree about it not having enough conflict. I felt Lizzie's inner conflict and her yearning. This story had an unspoken, underpinning core to it. So, I think Lizzie DID work for her scooter - certainly emotionally and socially.

For me the story was a reminder of how life can be growing up, with the excitement of wanting something then receiving it, wanting to be like the other kids - but also how life can disappoint us in a hearbeat.

I found it interesting that you had a mix of US English with Australian English - was this by design? When I write my pieces, I tend to write one way or the other depending on what I want to achieve.

A sweetly done piece.  

Julian
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Cmantics
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 6:28am Report to Moderator
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Hi Libby

Meant to say, just a little thing for me: I wasn't too keen on the dad calling Lizzie both 'honey' and 'darling'. It may be a cultural linguistic thing, or a personal experience, but just for me it didn't work. I tend to think of 'honey' being used more for adults. And that a parent usually, but not exclusively, uses these diminutives in one form only i.e. either something like 'honey' or 'darling'.

I don't mean to pick, but for what it's worth I thought you may want to know.  

Julian
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LC
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey Julian,

Nice of you to resurrect this. I have a soft spot for this one and hopefully soon it might be featured on a certain sister site. I'm very happy to hear you think Lizzie earned her Scooter - I think she did too.

Re your comment on the mix of US and Australian English - hmm, no, I don't recall doing a hybrid. James even commented he needed a translation for 'dead cert' - and 'tea' is in there for dinner etc.

Reading it through just now (cause I wanted to see for myself) I did notice that in hindsight 'gift' should really be 'pressie' - so, I should probably change that. Other than that I'd be interested in what you think is US lingo. I do concede that some word usages do creep in without me even knowing sometimes. I'm also influenced by hubby who hails from the northern hemisphere too so I do know I'm susceptible to picking up vernacular that's not local. The plus side to that is that I feel it/he has helped inadvertently with making my dialogue (especially male characters) much more colourful and varied. I tend to suck things up like a sieve and it's part and parcel of the influences around me I reckon.

This was with (as I've said) a producer in Florida for a while and I'm hoping someone else picks it up. Its universal theme does, as you commented, mean it can really be set anywhere with perhaps a few dialogue replacements etc.

As for your comment re the terms: 'honey' and 'darling' and Dad using them - hmm, I'd hazard a guess this might be more of a father/daughter thing. You make a good point about him probably not using both - I suppose I thought it being Christmas and this being a special gift he might pull the stronger endearment out of his hat. But along those same lines, I do remember my father always used to address my mother in conversation as 'love' a term of endearment reserved for her alone, and I think that one is quite a Brit influence of a certain era. Choice of words is endlessly fascinating in'it.   All interesting points you make.

If ever someone does take me up on this one I'm sure the local usage can be modified depending on where they hail too.

Anyway, thanks again for your comments, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Looking forward to seeing more of your work.


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DanC
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby.

I don't know if you've met me, but, I'm dan, from the 70's and I was 5 in 1970.  You've got cooties....

Seriously, now, I enjoyed it a lot.  It was cute, real slice of life.  

I'm always amazed at how you can take the most mundane thing like a kid wanting a toy and making it really fun to read.  This was a fun read.

Oh, and I LOVE ABBA, did I just admit that online?  I have just submitted my man card and it 's being destroyed as I finish this.  

but, I do love Abba.  They were a great fun group and I love a lot of their biggest hits.  I have a 4 disc special that I paid for, and there goes my man card, now away for 2 months, should I stop talking about my love of Abba?  

And I saw the play and the movie.  up to 4 months now.

But, I gotta say, I LOVED the ending.  SPOILERS

She wants something so that she can hang out with the cool kids, one of which she's crushing on, and oops, they have their new toys too.

It's like the kid that gets the Atari game unit, but, his buddies are all playing on their Sega systems.  Except the conversation would go like this:

"Hey guys, I got the Atari, I can play Space Invaders with you now and go for your high score"

"Who plays with Atari?  We got the new Sega and am playing this amazing game called Sonic, the Hedgehog.  Watch this!"

And the kid looks at his Atari and slinks home...

No, that didn't happen to me, really...

But, yeah, that was a really nice story.  You're a really good writer.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Cmantics
Posted: May 21st, 2015, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Hey Julian,

Re your comment on the mix of US and Australian English - hmm, no, I don't recall doing a hybrid. James even commented he needed a translation for 'dead cert' - and 'tea' is in there for dinner etc.

I'd be interested in what you think is US lingo. I do concede that some word usages do creep in without me even knowing sometimes. I'm also influenced by hubby who hails from the northern hemisphere too so I do know I'm susceptible to picking up vernacular that's not local. The plus side to that is that I feel it/he has helped inadvertently with making my dialogue (especially male characters) much more colourful and varied. I tend to suck things up like a sieve and it's part and parcel of the influences around me I reckon.



Hi Libby

With the US wording, I noticed:

(P. 10) Mum: Go on then. Go try it out.

Typically, Americans omit the conjunction 'and'  - as in 'go try it out'. Usually, Australians (not sure if same for Brits or other native English speakers) will include the conjunction 'and'  - as in 'go and try it out. Of course, there ar always exceptions - but I'm talking in general/typical terms.

Also: 'yard' versus 'lawn'. Americans usually refer to the 'yard' (same again re what is typical). And 'whoops and hollers' I also understand to be more in the American lexicon, certainly 'holler' (i.e. cf. Australian 'yell' / 'yelling').

I don't claim to be an expert on US English usage! And I'm sure any in the US on this site will correct me if I am wrong in any of the above. Let's see   But, I'm just calling it as I understand it. And I have come to hear US English through my American wife, and I lived in he US for a short time. I know that sometimes English usage across users is blended or interchangeable - again, I'm talking in a generally speaking context.

I hope you get this one picked up.

Julian

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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 21st, 2015, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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I think you worry about stuff that doesn't matter. Filmmakers are looking for a good story. They don't worry so much about each word.

I write American English, I guess, since this is where I live it comes more naturally, but I've had films made in Ireland, UK, Oz,US and a bunch of other non English speaking countries. The filmmakers adjust the story to fit them, their actors and their country.

Mom, mum...front yard, front lawn....elevator, lift...  

Just my take.  


.
SS, is still free...
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Cmantics
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I think you worry about stuff that doesn't matter. Filmmakers are looking for a good story. They don't worry so much about each word.

I write American English, I guess, since this is where I live it comes more naturally, but I've had films made in Ireland, UK, Oz,US and a bunch of other non English speaking countries. The filmmakers adjust the story to fit them, their actors and their country.

Mom, mum...front yard, front lawn....elevator, lift...  

Just my take.  


Thanks, Angry B,

Actually, I was never worried about it. If you read my preceding/original comments about the language usage, I rose it as a point of interest and query about how Libby writes. I think it is obvious that whats counts is good story and that filmmakers adjust accordingly. In fact, I had said Libby's piece was a good story.

The flip side of the above, of course, is that individual words do and can count depending on context, intent and desired semantics (written or spoken). Words can be used to create nuance and cultural meaning, which, in turn, can contribute to overall meaning and impact of any story, and how it is conveyed and received by an audience. Culture is language and language is culture.

Julian

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Max
Posted: May 22nd, 2015, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Just read this script, got linked from your sig LC.

I too was kind of upset that Lizzie was left out in the end, even after she got her new Scooter. I thought she was going to ride off into the sunset with the lad but it was not to be...

But isn't that life? It's not a happy ending, we try so hard to fit in sometimes but something new comes along and takes our place, it's a twisted metaphor for life.

I loved it, felt like it had heart and soul, innocence as well.
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DWLiu
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I like the "sweatness" of the story, and setting it up in a suburb of Australia just adds more to it .

I enjoyed reading the script, but I have to say I was expecting more from this story. Someone commented about the conflict, or lack of it, earlier. I'm in the "for" conflict camp, not for the seek of just having it. I firmly believe that conflict--the bigger the better--is the best tool to reveal character's emotion, and thus necessary to connect the character with us emotionally.

A few specific suggestions:

The opening scene should combine with the next one. Aaron races downhill, loses control of his scooter, falls. Lizzie is horrified, gets up and runs to him, but stops a few feet away, for afraid of being ridiculed, etc.

The role of Lizzie's sister, Nina, is a bit too perfunctory in the story. It should be either eliminated or dialed up.

Lizzie's parents appear come out of a "Model Parents of the Year". They do exist in real life, but they are boring. It's hinted that her dad might lose his job. This side plot should not be wasted and can be used to expose some dark sides of the family and parenting.

David


Read my scripts:
"American Girl" - Drama --19 pages
"An Incident" - Drama --9 pages
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LC
Posted: June 13th, 2015, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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Dan, sorry I didn't respond till now. I see you are an Abba fan, went above and beyond with your devotion, I'd say! Thank you for your very kind words re Scooter and in particular that you approve of the ending.

Julian, thank you for elaborating. I was concerned I'd perhaps gone and written something very un-Australian but I see you were really getting down to the nitty-gritty. It's interesting cause I think there are regional differences within Australia too but I won't labour the point. Suffice to say, you brought up some interesting points.

Pia, thanks for weighing in on this too.  Story is key, and the universal aspect of it too - so much so I had a Nigerian student wanting to film this, but unfortunately for a number of reasons he couldn't go ahead with it.

Fen, thank you also for your comments and for seeing the 'heart and soul' even though I notice another script of mine you cared for 10 x much more...  

David, thanks for your in depth review... And, I hope you meant 'sweetness' btw.   I'm glad you got the whole Aussie vibe too and thought it added something.

Onto your points about 'story' and expecting more - hmm, I'm probably repeating myself here but I feel the need to address a couple of points. I really think there is plenty of 'conflict' in the story but it's a quieter simmering conflict and a lot of it Lizzie's inner conflict.

Re your suggestion that Aaron lose control of his scooter in the opening - um, actually I couldn't disagree more. Aaron is top-dog - least he's a legend in his own lunch-time. He's the talented spunky guy a lot of us girls remember from our childhoods. They're masters of their games whether it be surfing, skateboarding or even scootering - if that is such a word. We admire them, have crushes on them, want to be able to do what they do.

As far as Nina goes, she's necessary to join the pieces of the narrative. She's the older wiser sister, but also confidant and the engineer behind the scenes. Without Nina, Lizzie would never get her scooter. There are things we'll often confide in our siblings which we would never tell our parents.

The 'Model Parents of the Year' - there's a couple of reasons they are so unashamedly (in my mind) portrayed as normal: -

Some kids actually do grow up with pretty normal parents in average houses and in nice but average neighbourhoods. In this case I actually want to show that even if you grow up in a 'normal' household with nice reasonably well adjusted parents etc., at some point life is going to throw you a curve-ball and teach you a hard lesson about life.

As for 'Dad perhaps losing his job' - that's a ruse created by Nina to prevent Lizzie pestering their father about the scooter so it can be a surprise Christmas gift - Dad and Nina, and Mum, are all working hard behind the scenes. If I'd gone the other route it would have defeated the whole purpose in my mind of what this story is about.

I'm not examining the dark underbelly of life in this script - no alcoholics, drug addicts, domestic violence, pregnant teenagers etc. I'm purely looking at that point in all of our lives (that coming of age) when we have to wake up to the fact that life's going to throw us some punches, that it doesn't play fair, that we don't always get what we want, and when we do sometimes it's not what we want after all. That's my whole point really - that's why it's set in the 'burbs where everything is nice and blue and sunny, and Mum and Dad get on fine. Sooner or later all of us have something happen where we land on our bums, and that's the time when we finally start to grow up.

David, thank you for the read - you say you were expecting 'more' when actually I think you were expecting 'different'. And I think it's no wonder. Seems you like stories explicitly dark judging by your script: 'An Incident' . Not saying I don't btw, just explains a bit of why this might not have been exactly up your alley. I'll will post my thoughts on it shortly. Thanks again for your thoughts.  


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Max
Posted: June 13th, 2015, 8:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Fen, thank you also for your comments and for seeing the 'heart and soul' even though I notice another script of mine you cared for 10 x much more...


Oh don't get me wrong, this one was still really nice.

Which one do you prefer?
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LC
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I don't compare them at all, cause they're very different, and don't get me wrong, you're allowed to like whichever one you want over the other. I had a lot of fun writing Simpatico cause it came from nowhere, it seemed, and effortlessly, which is rare.  I'm thrilled if  anyone likes anything I put up, so thank you, Fen.  


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