Quoted from AtholForsyth A poem for Dustin Bowcott. Dustbin Nocock a little parody. About a A class writer,  take no prisoners wannabe Get out of my venue and off of my stage I'm Dustbin Nocock the Captain of the page Your Script don't make the grade like mine As I toss yours down the waste disposal line You're wasting your time and that's fact Because I say so and that's that I need an emotional recharge, I'm a social disease As I sit here hating with my pants at my knees I'm a keyboard hitman, they keys are my gun I'm top banana run boy run A poison pen or a poisioned mind As I spit on any line that's not mine An icon on my home made pedestal I'm a lyrical genious with a mouthful of genitals And when I go to sleep I dream of me With a head full of diamonds and a bed full of pee Copy and paste for all to see   I'm Dustin Nocock a writer wannabe

That's actually pretty good. The ending is a bit shit as every line rhymes, and therefore doesn't follow the pattern of the rest with a rhyming line following and then a change in rhyme.

The cut n paste thing doesn't work. A couple of little typo's, but over all that's the best thing I've seen you write so far.

Nocock, don't tell me how to rhyme
I'll blow you outa the game like a smoke ring
The way I choose to ryhme is mine, are you blind
This is my venue, hammer time

Every line rhyme but they mine on time
Fo shizzle mah nizzle, See what I done there
Compton 89

A prize lion with no hair
Viper breath bustin through the air
Since I'm here, I'll keep it on the latch
Fuck you Dustbin
Biatch

Quoted from AtholForsyth Nocock, don't tell me how to rhyme I'll blow you outa the game like a smoke ring The way I choose to ryhme is mine, are you blind This is my venue, hammer time Every line rhyme but they mine on time Fo shizzle mah nizzle, See what I done there Compton 89 A prize lion with no hair Viper breath bustin through the air Since I'm here, I'll keep it on the latch Fuck you Dustbin Biatch

And... it's gone.

You think? I thought it was okay, I'll take some time on the next one.

Yes! SimplyScripts has definitely been lacking in rap battles up to now. Maybe we could have a new section??

Fosho, LETS DO IT  nocock?

Quoted from Heretic Yes! SimplyScripts has definitely been lacking in rap battles up to now. Maybe we could have a new section??

Oh, righto -- because nothing says "rap battle" like dodgy lyrics from a pair of lilly-white nancy boys faffing about.

Haha...just working on me British, mates.  Genuninely, no offense intended.  Just taking the piss.

But, please, back to the script, eh?  You two....I'm gonna have to knock both your heads.

Are you going to film this then? It's simpler than your last piece. I hope there's some action behind all the jaw.

Hey Athol,

Haven't checked others comments on this one (besides the fabulous whiteboy raps) so forgive any duplicate tips I give ya.

Establishing shot isn't necessary at the beginning of the script, a 'fade in:' would work better.  Some of Billy's first words to the "meter maid" is how he's going to "touch her if she touches his Sally".  This seems like a big threat to the meter maid but she brushes it off no problem, which is a bit surprising.  

After the whole headbutting business, we learn that Billy is a cop.  If this twist wasn't in the script it wouldn't really be a story, just a slice of life kinda thing, so I guess its good that you included it.  Although he might have wanted to pick up the radio and call off the dogs, seeing as he's an officer.

As is, the script lacks a punch because its so short.  It surprised me that Billy was a cop, but I didn't really care because I just met the guy.  He could have been anyone.  Maybe if the lengthened the piece and had Billy do more terrible things like stealing drugs or running people over or something, then the police officer twist would hit harder.

Keep improving,
Gage

I don't know what I'm supposed to make of this one. Honestly, I found it to be pretty unpleasant. Not so much a story here as a scene. Guy basically acts like a huge cunt and beats the crap out of a perfectly civil traffic warden only to be revealed as a cop three pages later.

What's the point? That cops are dicks? You can make anyone look like a dick revealing their occupation when they've unjustifiably headbutted someone into a bloody heap. If there's some kind of commentary to be extracted from this, what you have here is not enough.

If this isn't meant to be a commentary and is just supposed to be entertaining/interesting, it's not. It's just watching someone commit an act of violence and get away with it. The twist doesn't really do much except, I guess, make Billy look like a bigger asshole.

I see you took this from a feature you wrote about a guy with PTSD who used to disarm bombs. Is this supposed to be Billy the Bomb? See, now, that would certainly complicate things and make them more interesting. Unfortunately, none of that information is in the script so the scene loses all context. As of now, I'd guess Billy just has anger management issues or something or is otherwise just a prick. I have no reason to believe there's anything else to him given the information you've provided in this script.

For this to work as a short, it needs to stand on its own two legs. Not everyone who reads/watches it is going to know about this feature and even if they did, this script could only function as a supplement and not its own piece.

I'm at a loss as to what this is all supposed to amount to. Maybe there is something to it that I'm not seeing but others don't seem to see it as well. This'd be something to work on, for sure. As of now, I don't care for it.

^WTF?

What's there not to get?  

Meter maid issues a parking ticket,  dude gets pissed; threatens Meter Maid, Meter maid threatens to call the cops, Dude says go ahead, Meter Maid does and dude headbutts him into next week, then turns out the dude's actually a cop.

I get it.  Nothing wrong here.  It's a complete story with an ironic & somewhat humorous twist.  

Definitely a social commentary.

On a downswing it's got a few orphans and overwritten in parts.  Writer can PM me if he wants further feedabck.

Says you. But whatever. I'll bite. If that's really all there is to it, I guess all I can say is I didn't find it very satisfying or enjoyable.

Athol, I wouldn't mind hearing your thoughts on this.

Quoted from James McClung Says you. But whatever.

I dunno, dude.  We're on different wavelengths.  You gave "The Counselor" a crappy review, I on the other hand thought if was a good movie.  Other than the fact that the ending just kinda dropped off too abruptly.   Different strokes I guess.

This is probably true and totally fair enough.

BTW, I might take a second look at The Counselor at some point. There were definitely some interesting elements to it and it's probably one of the more disturbing films I've seen this year. I also like Cormac McCarthy. He's a heady guy and perhaps his work sometimes takes a little mulling over. But given the talent behind the film and the amount of plodding art flicks I'm able to put up with and even like, I'm surprised just how much I was turned off by it.

[/tangent]

I think the biggest problem with this was in the structure if the story as a whole.  Athol derived this from a scene of a longer short which is fine but I think he may have chosen the wrong scene.  In many scripts, there are these lengthy, meaningful scenes which are sometimes joined with these sort of transitional scenes.  I think this was one of them.

In either case, we only really get a glimpse of who Billy the Bomb is and it isn't much at all.  I think that's what James was getting at.  I got a slight sense of urgency which the dialogue, I feel, didn't reflect very well.

That just may be the problem-A stand alone scene from a longer script which, on it's own, is incomplete in some areas as it may just be a transitional or complimentary scene to the one preceding or following it.  I still don't think it's a bad script, just an incomplete one.