Quoted from NickSedario On a downswing it's got a few orphans and overwritten in parts.  Writer can PM me if he wants further feedabck.

Puts me in mind of the metaphor, the blind leading the blind. Speaking of which, maybe you could share some of your work as you *notably* don't have any scripts listed here.

Orphans and widows are to do with typesetting, and don't have anything to do with screenwriting. Quite simply, an orphan can be a sentence from the start of a paragraph that begins at the bottom of a page... in editing, this orphaned sentence (nothing to do with the writer) will be pushed onto the next page. Most software does this automatically these days. In regards to orphaned words, the editor would push an extra word onto the line, to make it look neater to readers when the words are in a BOOK.

Orphans simply just don't look very nice. No writer likes to leave them if they can write around it. However if you can't write around it, then it's no big deal at all. If you're really worried then use simple editor tricks to push an extra word onto the line(*edit* they don't make a word up, but bring an extra word from the previous line). It's aesthetics. However, if you truly believe that making sure you don't have any orphans will make your story better and more likely to be produced, then knock yourself out.

In regards to the script, the thing I find the most difficult to digest is the dialogue. The action is only slightly better.

Stick to poetry... only, don't call it rap. I think, if you put your mind to it, you would probably make a good song writer... but you should still stay away from rap. Although, come to think of it, I think you would look really funny dressed in hip hop gear, doing a mad slang-filled rap. Instead of rap, you could call it 'Crap'. I could see that making some money from the novelty value. Who knows, after that, with a 'celebrity get me out of here' appearance, you could even become a household name.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Puts me in mind of the metaphor, the blind leading the blind. Speaking of which, maybe you could share some of your work as you *notably* don't have any scripts listed here. Orphans and widows are to do with typesetting, and don't have anything to do with screenwriting. Quite simply, an orphan can be a sentence from the start of a paragraph that begins at the bottom of a page... in editing, this orphaned sentence (nothing to do with the writer) will be pushed onto the next page. Most software does this automatically these days. In regards to orphaned words, the editor would push an extra word onto the line, to make it look neater to readers when the words are in a BOOK. Orphans simply just don't look very nice. No writer likes to leave them if they can write around it. However if you can't write around it, then it's no big deal at all. If you're really worried then use simple editor tricks to push an extra word onto the line(*edit* they don't make a word up, but bring an extra word from the previous line). It's aesthetics. However, if you truly believe that making sure you don't have any orphans will make your story better and more likely to be produced, then knock yourself out.

Lmao.    Nice try.  I understand you now.  You've got some issues.

Quoted from Forgive Are you going to film this then? It's simpler than your last piece. I hope there's some action behind all the jaw.

Yeah I'm going to film it and what do you mean behind all the jaw,  the only person on here I have an issue with is Dustin and he brought that on himself.

Quoted from Gage Hey Athol, Haven't checked others comments on this one (besides the fabulous whiteboy raps) so forgive any duplicate tips I give ya. Establishing shot isn't necessary at the beginning of the script, a 'fade in:' would work better.  Some of Billy's first words to the "meter maid" is how he's going to "touch her if she touches his Sally".  This seems like a big threat to the meter maid but she brushes it off no problem, which is a bit surprising.   After the whole headbutting business, we learn that Billy is a cop.  If this twist wasn't in the script it wouldn't really be a story, just a slice of life kinda thing, so I guess its good that you included it.  Although he might have wanted to pick up the radio and call off the dogs, seeing as he's an officer. As is, the script lacks a punch because its so short.  It surprised me that Billy was a cop, but I didn't really care because I just met the guy.  He could have been anyone.  Maybe if the lengthened the piece and had Billy do more terrible things like stealing drugs or running people over or something, then the police officer twist would hit harder. Keep improving, Gage

I've added in the bit where Billy calls the dogs off on the radio also in the original he's nasty to everyone he meets with his PTSD issues ending in him blowing himself up. He's not only nasty to people he's nasty to himself. The meter maid is a guy BTW.

Thanks for the feedback.

To put the record straight, this is a scene from a bigger script.
The reason it's so short is to give me something to shoot as a first project.
I'm a stills photographer and this is like a test run for video, I.E. sound, light, ect.

I understand that I need to give it a bit more punch (pardon the pun) but that's the reason I joined SS. To get better.

But even as it stands it has a begining a middle and an end, it just needs some work and it's already bringing out peoples emotions calling Billy a prick, cunt  asshole and the likes so I think that's a good reaction.

Thanks for all the feedback, the good the bad and the ugly

I understand that you came here to get better, I'm just not sure that you understand the years and years (and years and years) of learning it requires.

For a mess around script it's OK... but I'm not sure why you'd want reviews on it if it's not for a serious attempt.

If you are making a serious attempt, then you need to team up with a screenwriter. Silverback? You both have similar personalities. You both like to talk. You both write similar crap. Man, what a script that would be.

The idea of making a short is that you can then apply for funding on a feature. Don't you want to do a good job? Don't you want your first short to be a success? Plenty of first-time film makers win festivals. That means money... that also means more likelihood you will win funding for a feature. Even if you don't win, a good short is still leverage on a feature. Film-making is about team work. You have to recognise your limits.

I also don't believe that you've ever written a feature. What do you mean by, bigger script? 15 pages?

Quoted from DustinBowcot If you are making a serious attempt, then you need to team up with a screenwriter. Silverback? You both have similar personalities. You both like to talk. You both write similar crap. Man, what a script that would be.

Dusty Boycott you're such an narcissistic little creep.  A total troll.  

I suppoose we need to have another screenwriter showdown.

Put yer money where your mouth is.  

Quoted from NickSedario Dusty Boycott you're such an narcissistic little creep.  A total troll.   I suppoose we need to have another screenwriter showdown. Put yer money where your mouth is.

I already saw what you can do last time. That's enough for me. If you were any competition then I'd consider it. I like a challenge. But you're not.

I'm not sure why you got so offended being compared to Asshol. Your works are really similar. Asshol has far less typo's. That's about the only difference.

Dustbin,  WTF do you think you are? and who said my script was a mess around?Your politics on film making are different from mine.

I'm not looking for funding, I have all my own equipment.
My goal is to make shorts but not to try and get funding , I call it a hobby, doesn't mean its a mess around.

I really can't get over how you can tell me to give up writing as I've only written two scripts.

If a was a musician starting to play guitar, would you tell me after two weeks that it wasn't for me?

Get off your fucking high horse.

I think Silverback asked you for a Script off.
I bet you don't take him up on it tho.

@ Boycott

Typical response.  All talk and nothing to back it up with.

You said it in one Silverback. He's all talk.

Dustbin is an narcissistic little creep trapped in an narcissistic little creeps body.

Yeah well...

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and God bless him anyway.  

Sorry to disrupt your thread.

Don't worry about it, it's cool and Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

Quoted from AtholForsyth Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

You too.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Dustbin,  WTF do you think you are? and who said my script was a mess around?Your politics on film making are different from mine.

I don't think I'm anyone, I know who I am. It's you that has delusions in that area.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I'm not looking for funding, I have all my own equipment. My goal is to make shorts but not to try and get funding , I call it a hobby, doesn't mean its a mess around.

Reads like a mess around. No real attempt at story. How will your mates feel about acting in something like that? They do realise it's important to look good in a showreel?

Quoted from AtholForsyth I really can't get over how you can tell me to give up writing as I've only written two scripts. If a was a musician starting to play guitar, would you tell me after two weeks that it wasn't for me?

I'd say two weeks should be adequate to determine if one is suited to the guitar or not, yes.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Get off your fucking high horse.

You're delusional. You're the one sitting on the high horse.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I think Silverback asked you for a Script off. I bet you don't take him up on it tho.

We did it once already. He writes like a child. Why would I need to go there again?