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Hey, many new thoughts thrown in. I liked about the script that it's got only two shots and a big twist. It's a big payoff, a longer script could liquefy that fact. That's just my opinion. Showing a bad cop isn't enough for me to follow for example 6 minutes with whores and all that. But that's just my opinion. There came a thought to me which can raise it all up to the top. What if Billy is a girl? Don't know about the headbut then. But it would be very modern like "Now the girls play the bad cop games too." The twist would kick ass definitely.
Dustin mentioned the ticket thing: that's right and has to be changed or focused in another way, I think, Billy should be more focused on the fact that the controller touches his car at all, or stands in the way; Billy don't want to have conflict whith such a weak controller more than 10 seconds... it's not worth his time... I don't know what happens if the controller types the numbers of the Mustang's license plate in his computer. A false in research wouldn't be nice at that point
It's cool, I like the changes in the radios part . Would like to see the cop start his engine and ride away at the end. It would round it up a bit to finish with movement. Billy drives away, the bad wolf is on the road again. But it's a kind of aesthetic little thing. Director's decision. The picture is already there and it seems that you know what you want.
I would check out the thing with the plate number. Is there a difference if on duty or not? The car is registried as a cop for sure? I don't know if you mean it's his private car at all- that point isn't clear enough. When we see the ID Badge we think he's on the run in plain clothes and before that point: Why does his radio is in standby?
Would be crap if it turns out that police men, as plain clothes cops in duty , or not in duty, can't get tickets. By the way, do you involve civilians watching the scenario?
Good to hear that you will do that short-flick. I'm looking forward how you bring it on screen. Give it style, man!
Hey Mosby the driving away at the end makes more sence for sure. The car is the cop's private one, Cop's on duty in the UK dont drive around in Mustang's, even the undercover one's.
About the number plate thing, I'm pretty sure that a cop can get a ticket in his own private car, I saw a traffic warden stick a ticket on a blood transusion van, so those mofos will stick a ticket on anything that's not moving
The part about the radio, the cop doesn't use his own radio, we don't know if he even has one on him, he answers the traffic wardens radio and the control person doesn't know the difference.
Civilians watching the scenario? I hadn't even thought of that, could be another twist there
i'll try and give it more style than a stylish thing from stylesville.
There's no point at all to the story unless you make it satirical.
Whether he can get a ticket or not becomes unimportant if it isn't the focal point of the story. So long as he doesn't beat up the traffic warden then drive off end of story, and he simply rips the ticket up to go onto a greater escalation of crimes, then the ticket is forgotten about...
However to keep the satirical reference to the police abuse of power it is important to keep it, so the ticket should be ripped up. This shows he can park where he likes.
The police take taxes, and they take more from shop owners as they pretty much run a protection racket... so rather than have him steal from a shop have him just walk in and the owner nervously give him money. If you can't find a shop, then a mock nightclub or pub... as they have to pay extortionate taxes to the police for extra protection... or they will close you down... and they don't even need to smash the place up.
Show him speeding too, if you can find somewhere quiet maybe put in some handbrake turns, attempt some camera trickery to make it appear he's on a legitimate road... just whatever you can without actually breaking the law.
The sex worker thing... probably doesn't fit the scenario. As you don't exactly want to show him being a bad cop, but that all cops are bad. Not that they aren't good too... you just want to point out what's bad.
Then the robbing of the drug dealer signifies the proceeds of crime law. The police are always showing off on the TV about the latest porsche they've stolen from an unlicensed drug dealer, along with his house and anything else they can sell. If you've got two cars, then he could take the keys to the mustang from the drug dealer.
Then at the end it's important to show him as just being an ordinary guy doing his job for the government. Normal guy, normal family.
Then it's an artistic piece, it's a satirical reference to the powers and hold the police have over all of us.
To just have a bad cop on its own isn't really a story, unless he gets what is coming to him.
I don't feel there's any need for dialogue in this script. That makes it even easier to film.
The point on the mustang... is irrelevant. The only thing that will pass through people's minds is, nice car. It actually helps your cause even more... because people have to be thinking, who is this criminal? Who does he work for (regards the protection money)? What's going to happen next?
Then boom... he's at home, normal guy... you see his badge. Fade out.
People are going to have to replay everything they've just seen to get it, and may never actually get it without it being explained to them. They'll just see bad cop... when really he's just doing what cops do.
That's the only way I can see this script having any impact. At least it makes a statement.
Ah... you could also show him doing a little bit of the good things cops do too. Maybe he helps an old lady across the road, or stops a mugging... I think only one would be necessary.
Spanner in the works or what, I could still have the hooker getting out of the car but not shouting, that way he could be getting info off her or he could have fucked her? who knows, but at this point we dont know who he is anyway so it's just building up a picture.
I do have a friend who owns a bar so filming in there would be no problem.
Much thinking to be done but thanks Dustin ( I never though I would say that )
I loved the Ending very much, and I believe it was very original. Yet I think the whole dialogue was unnecessary, and as a result, it can help you add more mystery to the story. That way, it could have looked brilliant. Nevertheless, it's good and very well structured.
I tried to update 'Meter Maid' now called 'Billy the Bomb' but it's down, so I'll post it here.
FADE IN: EXT. GRAVEL ROAD - MORNING
A pair of feet in smart shoes walk along the gravel road until they meet a FORD MUSTANG. Car door opens and we can see the bottom half of someone get in and close he door. It’s now we see BILLY THE BOMB (45) stocky, bald and wearing a suit. He puts the key in the ignition and turns on the radio. A rap song comes on as Billy nods his head. He looks in the mirror admiring himself, still nodding to the beat then drives off into the distance.
EXT. INDUSTRIAL EST - DAY
ANGIE a hooker (35) mini shirt, big breasts, long hair, stands on the pavement next to JOHNNY (14) tall, thin and scruffy. She combs Johnny’s tangled hair with her fingers then gives him a couple of coins for the burger van parked along the road. Billy pulls up in his Ford Mustang and winds down the window.
ANGIE You’re early, I don’t have your money.
BILLY THE BOMB Get in.
Angie gets in, Billy’s window winds back up and they drive off to a secluded road and park up.
EXT. STREET - AN HOUR LATER
Mustang pulls up and Angie gets out, straightens her skirt and flattens down her messy hair. Billy’s window winds down.
BILLY THE BOMB I’ll be back later, you better have my fuckin money.
Window goes back up, Billy drives off.
EXT. INDUSTRIAL EST - LATER
Billy’s Mustang sits parked on double yellow lines. A TRAFFIC WARDEN (40),thin, walks round looking at it, then writes out a ticket. BILLY walks round the corner.
BILLY Oi, meter maid.
TRAFFIC WARDEN Is this your car Sir?
BILLY What about it?
TRAFFIC WARDEN I’m issuing a ticket because the vehicle is illegally parked.
BILLY I’ll stick the ticket up your fucking arse.
TRAFFIC WARDEN Don’t threaten me Sir, I don’t make the laws, I just enforce them, challenge the fine through the council’s parking complaints procedure if you don’t agree with it.
BILLY Last chance Hitler, fuck off.
Billy walks over to the Traffic Warden, noses touching. Scared, the Traffic Warden pulls out his radio.
TRAFFIC WARDEN 13 to control, I have a situation over.
Quick as a flash, Billy grabs the Traffic Warden’s ears and headbutts him just above the eye. Traffic Warden falls down bleeding, screaming for help. Billy kneels over the top of him, punching his bleeding face. The Traffic Warden now unconscious, in a pool of blood.
WARDENS RADIO Come in 13, come in 13.
Billy picks up the Warden’s radio.
BILLY 13, false alarm, over.
WARDENS RADIO Roger that 13, out.
Billy jumps in the Mustang, takes a joint of weed off the dashboard. After looking through all his pockets for a lighter, he opens the glove compartment to find a lighter, right next a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and his POLICE ID BADGE. Billy lights up a joint, finishes what’s left in bottle and winds down the window.
BILLY THE BOMB Oi 13, unlucky for some.
Empty bottle flies through the air, landing next to the traffic warden’s battered body. Billy puts the radio on, nods his head and drives off.
EXT. INDUSTRIAL EST - LATER
Billy drives around the estate like a vulture homing in on it’s pray until he sees Angie standing at the side of the road with Johnny. He honks the horn and pulls up in the Mustang.
BILLY THE BOMB Johnny, take a hike, your mum’s working.
ANGIE Johnny’s holding the money, it’s not safe for me to carry it.
BILLY THE BOMB Give me it Johnny before I get out of this car and kick you up and down the street.
Johnny goes into his back pocket, pulls out a GUN and points it at Billy’s forehead.
BILLY THE BOMB (CONT’D) You can’t shoot me, I’m the fuckin law.
JOHNNY Not mine, this one’s for my mum.
Johnny blasts Billy right between the eyes, brains splatter on the windows. Angie grabs Johnny, cuddles him, tears run down her face.
I think this is a more interesting take than you previous, but there's an imbalance.
The way you have it now, means it needs to be a little bit longer, and I think you need to invest a little more into Johnny and his mum - show their end of the story. Part of the imbalance is that you now have us following only the antagonist, while the protagonist doesn't really have any investment in the story.
I hear you 007 but cant the antagonist be the main?
I never planned it to be the way it is, it's just the natural way it came out.
It all makes sense in my head but sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. But I do like the way Johnny only has one line in it, I think it would spoil it if he had a bigger part, but to be honest I'm feeling the way as I go.
Thanks for the feedback, it's good to have a few angles to go on.
I can see where you're coming from & I don't think that he needs 'more lines'.
My angle is that any protagonist is only as good as the antagonist and vice versa. And your story is the vice versa. It is an anti-hero tale, but you have to consider the sweet and sour - they work when they are both well developed. There is a tale to be told about the Mother, and okay, the son can have the vengeance, and that's the twist, but you've given this a wider vista (which I think works) but haven't filled in one side of the picture.
I agree that you can roll with this and see where it takes you - I think it's got legs, so run with it & work it into something - I like the way it's developing, and you're giving it a bit of body and some meaning.
Sorry, that I'm replying to your rewrite only now. I was inside the OWC and wanted to take some time for your rewrite...
I like it for what it is, but also, the new version isn't worth to shoot "ANYMORE".
1. The ending isn't giving something new. It's the old revenge gunfire thing; plus Johnny acts a bit arbitrarily. To establish he has a gun, and is willing to change his mother's life would need more establishing- so it's getting longer and longer. I see that like SiColl007 mentioned before.
2. It's not that I don't like the hooker scenario, your dialogue is cool and interesting, but at least your script had ONE reason which everything pivots on, in my eyes:
In the older version, a meter maid is battered without any sense and reason, right from the start. I remember, while watching, that your short is running only 2 minutes, right??? So, I know it's going to end after the conflict. So the question is: Why does somebody headbutt's a meter maid, without any reason, just to avoid a ticket? And who is this? Especially: What is his social position to act that way?
The answer is the least expected possible here. Billy is actually in the maiden's team. He's a cop, a public official.
Sure, the first question "Why" is not answered by that. That would be the developing point.
A few images would help to characterize his motives. You show him as alcoholic and drug addict, that's it. I would like to see Billy as plainclothesman in action as well. If you would present it more international, it would be possible to step above your local situation (the organization of plainclothes officers)... It would be nice if Billy answers to a call of his Boss on the radio in his Mustang. He could angrily babble something to himself and go back to work. This could show his depression up on all the drug images.
I see him messy, depressive, but strong like a bull. He wears a worn out leather jacket, not suit.
Ok. For me: the whole things around (all the new scenes) aren't necessary. It's average and does so to the story. It doesn't entertain me. If somebody would ask me, if I would have been entertained by your original two shots clip. Hell yes.
Two minutes, big surprise, much style. Just intensive. Different from all bad "clips". It's micro short, but good. The length will let your viewers STAY, definitely and the payoff "can" succeed if you do it good.
So, I don't like your rewrite decisions: Firstly it reduces the entertaining essence and stretches it to the common food; secondly I recognize that your turning in a way where it will not been realized anymore. From what I know of you, I noticed you're not very experienced as director/producer and I don't know about your recourses. But to shot gunfire with splattering brain- that isn't easy.
I might be wrong on that. But even if you reduce it to costs "at all", and to what's more important, the content and entertainment stuff I mentioned above, then it really "seems" like a
Double lose situation now.
I don't want to affect you in any way. Just for me, the meter maid is still the good old dirty joke which you tell at the table in a comfortable situation at night. BANG-OH-SMILE. No long blah blah, blah. Perhaps, this way explains best how I see it.
Maybe you don't trust your twist anymore. I can understand that, because it carries your script and it just works once. That doesn't mean you couldn't give that funny experience to others.
At least, you really got me thinking about this very short length. The most do their stuff too long with their shorts on YouTube etc. A minimalistic thing to the point is cool and remarkable.
Hey there Athol, enjoyed the 3 page read and the rewrite was definitely more captivating. I had an idea for you to consider.
When the confrontation with the meter maid ends, before he hops into the car he could notice a guy standing by the car, witness to everything. This could be your innocent onlooker. Billy the Bomb could threaten him with a simple gesture and make "mr. innocent" flinch. Billy could laugh at him and go to drive off only to find a boot placed on his wheel by "mr. innocent". End scene. when he enters the car, instead of opening the dashboard for a lighter he could have lifted "mr. innocent's" wallet and he's chucking a bloody wallet into the dashboard (showing a photo of the guy on his I.D. so you know what happened"
Personally, everyone i know that smoke always has a lighter in their pocket. If you smoke, you dont only smoke in your car. Plus, cars typically have lighters installed in the dashboard.
Just a silly idea to add some humour to it.
I also think the traffic warden should have some balls to create a conflict between the two. Meter maids deal with people like this all the time, they usually give a lot of lip back to people that get in their face. Similar to those neanderthal like tow truck drivers.
That's my feedback, I'm a noob though, so.... Take it for what it's worth lol
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