SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 5th, 2021, 12:46pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

The Feb 2021 OWC scripts are posted!



The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Right Back Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Right Back  (currently 3753 views)
rendevous
Posted: June 26th, 2015, 6:23am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54

Quoted from LC
Hey Ren,


Hey Elsie,


Quoted from LC
You know I can't think of a writer who uses words quite like you do.


I do hope that's a compliment.


Quoted from LC
You have a very unique voice, managing to capture the language of certain classes and cultures and the atmosphere of the environment they live in perfectly.  ,


Thanks very much. I would thoroughly agree, but modesty prevents me. That, and the fact it is hard to take myself seriously when I'm not wearing any trousers.


Quoted from LC
Like Dustin, I love this line:

A fruit machine silently flashes false promises. ,


Oh yes. Twas was a good one,


Quoted from LC
Re your specific use of: 'Fag burns scar the wooden floor' - interesting choice - I might have said, don't do it but actually, using the colloquialism/slang for the word - which might normally be used by a character in dialogue works extremely well. It enhances the atmosphere and characters you're depicting.,


Cigarette burn sounded wrong in my head. Something to do with it sounds as if it applies to people. As it's a pub 'fag' fits better. Even though the Americans will think the scars are gay.


Quoted from LC
TERRY. Thirties, tall and mono-
browed. Overweight in casual dress.

This is my only real gripe. TERRY is popular with the women, so popular he's the target for your other two characters to exact their revenge because he got lucky with both of their wives.,


I see. But I can't agree. You're implying only beautiful blokes can manage to get it on with a lady. I can vouch for the less beautiful in saying this isn't true. You can get a woman into bed with humour far faster than any other method.

We also don't know what these women look like or what their morals are. Works for me.


Quoted from LC
How did that happen exactly? He's obviously broke, not attractive at all, no charisma, no gift of the gab. You can argue that all sorts of women go for all sorts of men - attraction is not easily defined.


Indeed. I just did above.


Quoted from LC
I would however personally have him 'ugly pretty' or 'creepy pretty', if you know what I mean - I've met guys like this - pretty on the outside but as soon as they open their mouths they're a bit smarmy, something's off- kilter and disingenuous - this line sums him up perfectly,


I see what you're saying. Perhaps it would be overegging it. I like it the way it is.


Quoted from LC
TERRY
An offer I can’t refuse, kind sir.
You’re on, my son.

He's a sycophant even with the other males - trying for charming and longing to be one of the boys, but he fails.,


Indeed. He has his pub patter down pat.


Quoted from LC
Perhaps you could also include a very short scene in Terry's walk-through to the bar, where he stops and whispers into a girl's ear - she titters and flicks her hair back in response - then angry boyfriend approaches and gives him a warning look. Terry scowls, once his back is turned - naturally.,


Naturally. Not a bad idea. However, I'm sticking to my guns and my script. I'm a stubborn fella.


Quoted from LC
Great dialogue while they're playing pool - Terry's not smart enough to even realize he's being 'played' and yet he's still obnoxious enough to utter this:

Fuckin’ fifty euro and a pint.
Feels like you stole them from me.

Will flatters Terry subtly and enough times but still Terry never cops on. Classic. Great characterization.,


Thank you muchly. I like that scene too.


Quoted from LC
I think you could edit a bit of this end dialogue and tweak it with some more of your inimitable dialogue. I just feel you got a bit lazy and dare I say conservative with a few of these lines and they come off as being a bit more long-winded than I reckon they should be, from these characters.  


WILL
Oh come on, Terry. Accept it, you
did it. I can show you footage on
my phone. I’ve seen you doing it.
He’s got some too. We couldn’t
quite believe it, you see.

Something like: 'We've got the goods on you, mate'- - or: 'Barman and I took a few home movies of our own' (should you give Barman a name, perhaps?) and then he flashes his camera-phone at him, something like that, obviously better than that, but you get the drift. A little more of your customary 'slick' as you've done previously, is needed. ,


Not a bad idea there. I'll keep it in mind.


Quoted from LC
BARMAN
(shouting)
You gave her the clap! And me! You
little fucker.
WILL

Bit of doubling up - I'd streamline the end dialogue passages - above and below - re the filming. The 'wash in our bathrooms' is terrific, cause it's a horrible image - but I feel like he'd say something less eloquent - perhaps just, 'clean up'.

BARMAN
Still can’t. Bastard!
WILL
So we installed some cameras in our
bedrooms. Of course, you could have
taken them somewhere else, a hotel,
a car, or your own house.
a drink.
WILL
No, you had to fuck them in our
houses, then wash in our bathrooms.
Don’t you see, Terry? You were
fucking us really. So we’ve fucked
you right back.

Love the 'seal' description btw. Great visual. And it's terrific he's still going to finish that beer by hook or by crook. ,


I'm rather in love with the barman line about getting the clap, as it's both amusing and horrifying. So it won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Same with the bit about washing. I think it's important to his final line.

You can see the beer business happening in every pub every night. I think there must be a law or something.


Quoted from LC
Finally: perhaps a gorgeous woman could sail past at the end, see the problem Terry is having, ask if he's alright - perhaps she calls another girlfriend over so they can have a bit of a laugh at his appearance , or she could call a friend on her phone and be filming him - oh yes, the ugly side of humanity, but it might be just desserts. Otherwise it appears Terry's going to get payback and I'm not sure I want him to have the last 'garbled' word.,


You're determined to get a woman in this script, aren't you, Elsie? I was trying to keep the cast number low. Even the barman stayed mute in the early drafts. Yours is not a bad idea by any means.


Quoted from LC
I'm not entirely convinced the title does the story justice btw, but...

Great, one of a kind stuff, as usual.  
You definitely deserve more reads for this.


I'm convinced. I've not seen it before and I haven't had a better idea. What would work better? For a few days there it was called 'Fucker'. So 'Right Back' seemed like a vast improvement.

I do deserve more reads for this. And a prize and a badge. Going shopping tomorrow, so I'll sort myself out. Many thanks, Elsie. Much appreciated.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 15 - 34
eldave1
Posted: June 26th, 2015, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6354
Posts Per Day
2.64
Holy sheet dude, you can write. I love your style. I think you could make tax instructions jump off the page.

In terms of the story itself, I agree with Libby in terms of the conflict between Terry the great womanizer/lover versus Terry the uni-brow, broke caveman who struggles to form complete sentences.

Other than that - I'm there. Again - the style is terrific.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 34
Dustin
Posted: June 26th, 2015, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5258
Posts Per Day
1.89
Women go for looks, humour and big dicks... one or more and you should never struggle for female company.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 34
eldave1
Posted: June 26th, 2015, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6354
Posts Per Day
2.64

Quoted from rendevous

I'm convinced. I've not seen it before and I haven't had a better idea. What would work better? For a few days there it was called 'Fucker'. So 'Right Back' seemed like a vast improvement.
R


I actually like F--CKER better than Right Back.

Ale Conceived

Beware the Kindness of Strangers

Publishment

An Ale Wind Blows


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 34
eldave1
Posted: June 26th, 2015, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6354
Posts Per Day
2.64

Quoted from Dustin
Women go for looks, humour and big dicks... one or more and you should never struggle for female company.


Whew - thank God I have a sense of humour


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 34
rendevous
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 4:05am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54
Thanks for the recent comments. I'll come back to them soon.


Quoted from Simon
Can't we all just get along?


No idea, Simon. Can't we? What are you on about? I think you should discuss things along those lines down the pub with some Greenpeace and Amnesty types. They're very nice people.


Quoted from IamGlenn
Hey Ren,

Took a read of this and loved it.


I'm extremly pleased to hear it. I always suspected you were a man of exceptional taste. As usual, I was completely spot on.


Quoted from IamGlenn
Really, really well written. The kind of stuff I can only hope to write some day. The language and the way you use words is perfect.


Many thanks. Means a lot, that.

You can write like me. You've got to keep at it for twenty years, then write one, read it, reread it, reword it a bit, forget about it for about a week.

Then reread it, reword it, reread it again, decide it's rubbish and bin it. Then think about it for about an hour while you try to move on.

You fail. You're rooting in the bin to pull it out. (Australians should note I use the word advisedly.) Despite the fag ash and baked bean stains, you decide it isn't so bad after all and do a bit more on it.

In other words, it takes work, and lots of it. I bin about half the stuff I do. I think you have to, otherwise you just do mediocre stuff. The fact I might bin it makes me think more about it.

Read a lot too. Anything. Everything. Everyone has a voice. You'll remember the more interesting ones.


Quoted from IamGlenn
The story is very nice. Simple but brilliantly told. Was wondering where it was going but then the payoff at the end was very nicely done.

Not much else to say.

Good luck with this


I'm extremely pleased and somewhat honoured. Most appreciated.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 34
rendevous
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 11:24am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54

Quoted from eldave1
Holy sheet dude, you can write. I love your style. I think you could make tax instructions jump off the page.

In terms of the story itself, I agree with Libby in terms of the conflict between Terry the great womanizer/lover versus Terry the uni-brow, broke caveman who struggles to form complete sentences.

Other than that - I'm there. Again - the style is terrific.




Well, it doesn't get much better Eldave One.

Many thanks. For a second I suspected you were taking the piss, something about biscuit desire sprung to mind, but soon after I suspected not and realised you too have impeccable taste. Well done.

I enjoyed that. Other scripts are availble. But mine are better. Well, most of them. Hang on, my head tells me some other scripts are miles better.

But no, my heart yells Bollocks! Mine are amazing. My balls chime in with Yes! Fuck them! Barstards, to a man. And the women. Fuckers! Yes, fecking knob arses!

Sorry. I'll stop there. Lest I get carried away.

Many thanks. I'll have words with my balls and heart, they do like to get carried away.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 21 - 34
eldave1
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6354
Posts Per Day
2.64

Quoted from rendevous


Well, it doesn't get much better Eldave One.

Many thanks. For a second I suspected you were taking the piss, something about biscuit desire sprung to mind, but soon after I suspected not and realised you too have impeccable taste. Well done.

I enjoyed that. Other scripts are availble. But mine are better. Well, most of them. Hang on, my head tells me some other scripts are miles better.

But no, my heart yells Bollocks! Mine are amazing. My balls chime in with Yes! Fuck them! Barstards, to a man. And the women. Fuckers! Yes, fecking knob arses!

Sorry. I'll stop there. Lest I get carried away.

Many thanks. I'll have words with my balls and heart, they do like to get carried away.

R


Balls and Heart - there is a screenplay with that title waiting to be written. Well, at the least a Country song.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 34
rendevous
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 7:06am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54

Quoted from Dustin
Women go for looks, humour and big dicks... one or more and you should never struggle for female company.


Big dicks? I'm often a big dick, and I'm hopeless at getting women. Oh, hang on...

All my women like my money. I've got nearly twenty eight quid, so it's gonna be a good night.


Quoted from eldave1


I actually like F--CKER better than Right Back.


I'm laughing at that. I know what you mean. I kinda do too. Wasn't there a band called Bastard a while back? Makes you wanna hear them.

Sadly I couldn't go with Fucker, as it probably wouldn't help getting it made. But I was sorely tempted there for a while.


Quoted from eldave1

Ale Conceived

Beware the Kindness of Strangers

Publishment

An Ale Wind Blows


Erm, yes indeed. I see what you did there. Very good.


Quoted from eldave1
Whew - thank God I have a sense of humour


Made me laugh.

I'm with you there fella. I'm not sure if my twenty eight quid is gonna completely seal the deal.


Quoted from eldave1
Balls and Heart - there is a screenplay with that title waiting to be written. Well, at the least a Country song.


I could see Willie Nelson singing that one. Oh my balls are singing, my heart is ringing, my arse keeps dinging, every time I see you.


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 23 - 34
Dustin
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 8:27am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5258
Posts Per Day
1.89

Quoted from rendevous


Big dicks? I'm often a big dick, and I'm hopeless at getting women. Oh, hang on...


That's hilarious.

I forgot about the money angle. Money pulls women too.



Quoted Text
Oh my balls are singing, my heart is ringing, my arse keeps dinging, every time I see you.


Perhaps the balls should be swinging.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 34
rendevous
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54

Quoted from Dustin


That's hilarious.

I forgot about the money angle. Money pulls women too.



I thank you. This explains why all my women seem to run away. Actually, there's no need for the word 'seem' there. They just run. Especially once they learn I've only got twelve quid left.


Quoted from Dustin
Perhaps the balls should be swinging.


Yes, there's no perhaps about it. They really should be swinging.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 25 - 34
Mr.Z
Posted: July 2nd, 2015, 11:45am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hi rendevous,

Well written, I like your style, sets the mood right away. It's a revenge story that hits all the necessary beats, so kudos on that.

The only comment I got is that it felt a bit straightforward. Will was so kind with Terry that I suspected instantly he was up to no good. I wonder if you could use some missdirection when setting up the conflict. Since Will is the one about to do something nasty, maybe you could trick us into believing that Terry is the one up to no good? So when the poisoning is revealed, it lands as a twist.

A nitpick: the murder weapon seemed a tad sophisticated for this shady bar setting. Maybe you can go with some kind simpler/better-known poison instead of something Will cooked himself to be undetectable and suit all his revenge needs? Or maybe you could setup Will as the scientist type, someone who doesn't seem to belong to this place and with the skills to cook the poison the story needs? Just spitballing.

Anyhow, good job. Again, liked your style.  


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 34
Colkurtz8
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 10:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1741
Posts Per Day
0.38
Ren

“A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.”

- Good prose.

“He nurses a pint of lager - now half full, but the way he’s
glaring shows he’s sure it’s half empty.”

- More good prose. Overall, a great opening scene setter. Succinct yet vivid. The perfect combo for screenwriting.

“Lights his cigarette. Spots some coins on the pool table.
Pockets them then heads out.”

- He lit it before he went outside! Tut Tut.

“Surprising pleasant.”

- Should be "ly" at the end of "surprising"

“Terry checks a chair for dampness - not impressed.”

- How does one do this? Lick a finger and point it skyward? I sure hope so

“He wears a trilby and a long coat.”

- "Trilby and a long coat" you say? Also, given that Will seemingly appeared out of thin air, I really hope he's not the devil or some mysterious omnipotent stranger we see all too much of.

“He speaks with a refined accent - educated, but friendly.”

- Oh no, the classic, well spoken Prince of Darkness in dapper human form. I'm getting worried, Ren.

TERRY
An offer I can’t refuse, kind sir.
You’re on, my son.

- I get Terry isn't the type to ask questions when free beer is at stake but this improbable offer should send the most deadened of alarm bells a jinglin'.

WILL
Salubrious. Set them up and I’ll
get ‘em in.

- So is Will buying him a pint now too on top of the pool game offer? Just curious.

TERRY
Good point.

- So did Terry really have no way of making it "more interesting"? If so, why bring it up? Was it just a lame attempt to talk tough and Will called his bluff?

TERRY
How can I refuse?

He cues. Sinks his final red with style.

- Where's the obligatory post wager handshake? You're screwing with tradition now, R. I don't like it!

TERRY
Fuckin’ fifty euro and a pint.
Feels like you stole them from me.

- Well, it was more a pint/2 pints...then fifty euro

“Terry appears honoured.”

- Is this the right term to use here? Would "humbled" be more appropriate?

WILL
Why? Because you fucked my wife,
and you fucked his wife. Fucker.
Probably a few others as well.
That’s why.

- Oh, so the repeated utterances of "fucker" were more literal than I anticipated.

WILL
So we installed some cameras in our
bedrooms. Of course, you could have
taken them somewhere else, a hotel,
a car, or your own house.

- Wouldn't there have been a strong possibility of Terry recognizing Will if he was in his house screwing his wife? Seems a risky approach for he and Barman to take in executing this revenge plan.

“Will nods. Terry picks up his glass. Raises it to his mouth.
But it slips from his grip before it gets there.”

- What a trooper! Or just a pisshead. Even when he's been poisoned and on death's door he still takes their word that it’s a clean drink just to get it down him.

“He opens them to reveal his phone on the chair still
recording audio. He uses a knuckle to stop it.”

- Eh? How did he have the foreknowledge to record the conversation? Why would he have been suspicious of Will? Obviously he couldn't do after the poison has taken hold so he must have done it when Will when to get the drinks. Also, the word "still" suggests this was set up or referred to earlier but I didn't see any mention of Terry's phone before now.

I really dug the first half of this. I loved how Will played Terry both on and off the pool table. That realization from the latter on page 4 that he felt as if he had given away the pint and 50 quid was amusing and understandable because of how the game went down, so close yet so far away. I liked that touch.

Given my initial suspicions that Will was some all knowing other worldly figure was reinforced by how he seemed so in control of the game and its outcome. His feathers were never ruffled even when staring defeat in the face, always calm, assured he would win.

The story shifts in the second half where we get backstory shoehorned in for motive. Unfortunately, it felt crowded and purely expository, all delivered via dialogue. Then there’s this super poison concocted made by Will himself (so this guy wasn’t the devil, just a brilliant, vindictive chemist ) and the whole thing turns into a rather uninspired, by-the-numbers revenge tale...in a beer garden...with homemade poison...

It’s like Patricia Highsmith by way of Shane Meadows which sounds kinda great but here within an 8 page script I just didn't buy it. It all seemed overly elaborate and implausible. Why the whole pool and bet charade? Why not just get talking to Terry, go on rounds and spike his drink then? I dunno, is it working on some allegorical level there, pool and screwing people's wives? Also, the final twist of Terry having recorded the whole thing felt bolted on to give us an “ah ha” moment which didn’t make much sense to me for the reason I mentioned in the note above.

As a big fan of pool, I would've been happy to watch the two men banter over another game. Not much of a story there I know but the script was at its best in those moments.

A mixed bag for me, a script of two halves...ok, enough of the glib platitudes.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 34
rendevous
Posted: July 13th, 2015, 9:01am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54
My apologies to the most recent reviewers. I meant to respond at the time but didn't get around to it. Then I forgot. I'm hopeless. I even put my trousers on backwards yesterday. The sad thing is I didn't even notice until noon. By then I'd been down the shops and spent an hour in the bookies. I thought they were smirking at my dry wit.

I'll be on to respond in the next few days. In the meantime my thanks.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 28 - 34
rendevous
Posted: July 21st, 2015, 6:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54

Quoted from Mr.Z
Hi rendevous,

Well written, I like your style, sets the mood right away. It's a revenge story that hits all the necessary beats, so kudos on that.


High praise indeed from your good self. It's like Freddie Mercury telling me I've a good voice. Thank you.


Quoted from Mr.Z
The only comment I got is that it felt a bit straightforward.


Hmm. Yeah, There's some truth in that. But it's got a few little twisty bits. I see what you're saying though.


Quoted from Mr.Z
Will was so kind with Terry that I suspected instantly he was up to no good. I wonder if you could use some missdirection when setting up the conflict. Since Will is the one about to do something nasty, maybe you could trick us into believing that Terry is the one up to no good? So when the poisoning is revealed, it lands as a twist.


Maybe. I've a job on at the mo, but I'll bear this in mind. I may indeed take your advice.


Quoted from Mr.Z
A nitpick: the murder weapon seemed a tad sophisticated for this shady bar setting. Maybe you can go with some kind simpler/better-known poison instead of something Will cooked himself to be undetectable and suit all his revenge needs? Or maybe you could setup Will as the scientist type, someone who doesn't seem to belong to this place and with the skills to cook the poison the story needs? Just spitballing.


Again, good points. It was just the idea that someone buys you a pint in a pub. I always wondered what would happen if they put something in it.


Quoted from Mr.Z
Anyhow, good job. Again, liked your style.  


Thanks again Mr. Z. You do fine work. Keep it up.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 29 - 34
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006