SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 5th, 2021, 12:58pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

The Feb 2021 OWC scripts are posted!



The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Right Back Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Right Back  (currently 3754 views)
rendevous
Posted: July 22nd, 2015, 7:46am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54

Quoted from Colkurtz8
Ren

“A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.”

- Good prose.


Indeed. Good to hear from you, Col. Sorry for the delay. Had a lot on. I always enjoy your reviews. You're one of those who read properly and give good advice. There's not enough of that about.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“He nurses a pint of lager - now half full, but the way he’s
glaring shows he’s sure it’s half empty.”

- More good prose. Overall, a great opening scene setter. Succinct yet vivid. The perfect combo for screenwriting.


Ooh. Thanks. I too do put the effort in. It's paying off too as I'm getting interest from some producer types. Which is nice.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Lights his cigarette. Spots some coins on the pool table.
Pockets them then heads out.”

- He lit it before he went outside! Tut Tut.


Yes, I used to be fond of doing that myself.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Surprising pleasant.”

- Should be "ly" at the end of "surprising"


Oh dear. Good catch. I'll fix that.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Terry checks a chair for dampness - not impressed.”

- How does one do this? Lick a finger and point it skyward? I sure hope so


Oh no. I had this image of him touching the chair with his hand. This is what I meant. I see now it's a bit more vague than intended. Like my lovemaking.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“He wears a trilby and a long coat.”

- "Trilby and a long coat" you say? Also, given that Will seemingly appeared out of thin air, I really hope he's not the devil or some mysterious omnipotent stranger we see all too much of.


Eh? I wear a long coat and a trilby. And I'm fairly sure I'm not the prince of darkness. To me it just looks like a middle aged bloke who's probably into music.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“He speaks with a refined accent - educated, but friendly.”

- Oh no, the classic, well spoken Prince of Darkness in dapper human form. I'm getting worried, Ren.


He isn't the Satan, honest. Just a bloke in a pub. Don't worry. Probably too late now.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
TERRY
An offer I can’t refuse, kind sir.
You’re on, my son.



Quoted from Colkurtz8
- I get Terry isn't the type to ask questions when free beer is at stake but this improbable offer should send the most deadened of alarm bells a jinglin'.


Often used to happen to me during my drinking days. Guys on their own often wanna play pool. They often buy a pint to get you to play.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
WILL
Salubrious. Set them up and I’ll
get ‘em in.

- So is Will buying him a pint now too on top of the pool game offer? Just curious.


Yeah. This fella did that for me once. At the time I looked even more wonderful than ever, as I had very long hair. It was when he told me he wanted to massage me that I made my excuses and left.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
TERRY
Good point.

- So did Terry really have no way of making it "more interesting"? If so, why bring it up? Was it just a lame attempt to talk tough and Will called his bluff?


He intends to win. I suppose he did call his bluff.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
TERRY
How can I refuse?

He cues. Sinks his final red with style.

- Where's the obligatory post wager handshake? You're screwing with tradition now, R. I don't like it!


Terry's not the type.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
TERRY
Fuckin’ fifty euro and a pint.
Feels like you stole them from me.

- Well, it was more a pint/2 pints...then fifty euro


Yes.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Terry appears honoured.”

- Is this the right term to use here? Would "humbled" be more appropriate?


Erm, I dunno. I'll have to have a look. Hang on. I'll be Right Back.

Yeah. I quite like it as it is. But you're probably more right than I.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
WILL
Why? Because you fucked my wife,
and you fucked his wife. Fucker.
Probably a few others as well.
That’s why.

- Oh, so the repeated utterances of "fucker" were more literal than I anticipated.


Indeed. I thought you might have guessed that.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
WILL
So we installed some cameras in our
bedrooms. Of course, you could have
taken them somewhere else, a hotel,
a car, or your own house.

- Wouldn't there have been a strong possibility of Terry recognizing Will if he was in his house screwing his wife? Seems a risky approach for he and Barman to take in executing this revenge plan.


I considered that. Even if he did then Terry would assume Will didn't know, so he wouldn't have worried about it.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Will nods. Terry picks up his glass. Raises it to his mouth.
But it slips from his grip before it gets there.”

- What a trooper! Or just a pisshead. Even when he's been poisoned and on death's door he still takes their word that it’s a clean drink just to get it down him.


Yes. I used to be a bit like that. Felt a bit ill on a night out about 8pm. Went in the loo, threw up, then came out and sank a pint.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“He opens them to reveal his phone on the chair still
recording audio. He uses a knuckle to stop it.”

- Eh? How did he have the foreknowledge to record the conversation? Why would he have been suspicious of Will? Obviously he couldn't do after the poison has taken hold so he must have done it when Will when to get the drinks. Also, the word "still" suggests this was set up or referred to earlier but I didn't see any mention of Terry's phone before now.


I think I've mentioned this before but I've met a few types who record loads of conversations without other people knowing. Which suited me.

I wasn't of the idea that I needed to foreshadow the phone. I tried it, didn't like it so out it came,.

It also struck me as a rather filmy type thing that I'd get away with.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I really dug the first half of this. I loved how Will played Terry both on and off the pool table. That realization from the latter on page 4 that he felt as if he had given away the pint and 50 quid was amusing and understandable because of how the game went down, so close yet so far away. I liked that touch.


Thanks. But I sense a 'but' coming..,.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Given my initial suspicions that Will was some all knowing other worldly figure was reinforced by how he seemed so in control of the game and its outcome. His feathers were never ruffled even when staring defeat in the face, always calm, assured he would win.


Okay. I thought you were just about get dissapointed. Glad you haven't yet.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
The story shifts in the second half where we get backstory shoehorned in for motive. Unfortunately, it felt crowded and purely expository, all delivered via dialogue. Then there’s this super poison concocted made by Will himself (so this guy wasn’t the devil, just a brilliant, vindictive chemist ) and the whole thing turns into a rather uninspired, by-the-numbers revenge tale...in a beer garden...with homemade poison...


Oh dear.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
It’s like Patricia Highsmith by way of Shane Meadows which sounds kinda great but here within an 8 page script I just didn't buy it. It all seemed overly elaborate and implausible. Why the whole pool and bet charade? Why not just get talking to Terry, go on rounds and spike his drink then? I dunno, is it working on some allegorical level there, pool and screwing people's wives? Also, the final twist of Terry having recorded the whole thing felt bolted on to give us an “ah ha” moment which didn’t make much sense to me for the reason I mentioned in the note above.


He wants to weigh up the guy who is shagging his wife. He's also waiting for his moment.

There's a bit of metaphor and allegory going on. But I doubt you'd be interested now.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
As a big fan of pool, I would've been happy to watch the two men banter over another game. Not much of a story there I know but the script was at its best in those moments.


Me too. But I suspected it might have bored the arse of the majority.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
A mixed bag for me, a script of two halves...ok, enough of the glib platitudes.

Col.


Never mind. I always enjoy your reviews. Even when you kick my arse like now. Don't worry, my sexy sweet cheeks are infinitely kickable.

I'll impress you with a script one day. Just don't hold your breath.

Many thanks.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 30 - 34
Colkurtz8
Posted: July 23rd, 2015, 5:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1741
Posts Per Day
0.38

Quoted from rendevous
Ooh. Thanks. I too do put the effort in. It's paying off too as I'm getting interest from some producer types. Which is nice.


Cool, good to hear. Hope something comes of that.


Quoted from rendevous
Oh no. I had this image of him touching the chair with his hand. This is what I meant. I see now it's a bit more vague than intended. Like my lovemaking.


Sorry, my bad, I thought it was "air" not "chair", hence the "skyward" comment. Ignore.


Quoted from rendevous
Eh? I wear a long coat and a trilby. And I'm fairly sure I'm not the prince of darkness. To me it just looks like a middle aged bloke who's probably into music.


Yes but you know those sartorially hip gents that so often appear (predominately from nowhere) in films; silver tongued and effortlessly cool i.e. the devil!


Quoted from rendevous
He isn't the Satan, honest. Just a bloke in a pub. Don't worry. Probably too late now.


No, its all good, I realized this as I read and made reference to it further down in my notes.


Quoted from rendevous
Yeah. This fella did that for me once. At the time I looked even more wonderful than ever, as I had very long hair. It was when he told me he wanted to massage me that I made my excuses and left.


Yup, I draw the line at massages too...now if he says he's going to include oils, perhaps a hot stone or two, then I may reconsider.


Quoted from rendevous
Indeed. I thought you might have guessed that.


Nah, we call people "fu?kers" all the time where I'm from, even virgins.


Quoted from rendevous
I considered that. Even if he did then Terry would assume Will didn't know, so he wouldn't have worried about it.


It would've made Terry extra wary of him though. They way he turns up like this in the beer garden, offering to buy him drinks and play pool. Set up/trap ahoy!


Quoted from rendevous
Yes. I used to be a bit like that. Felt a bit ill on a night out about 8pm. Went in the loo, threw up, then came out and sank a pint.


We've all done that but to go on drinking after one has been poisoned! That, to quote Bill Hicks, "Shows a dedication I cannot fu?king relate to"


Quoted from rendevous
I think I've mentioned this before but I've met a few types who record loads of conversations without other people knowing. Which suited me.


Really? Ah come now, Ren, that's a bit too convenient don't you think? Obviously you don't since you said it suited you so I'll leave it at that.


Quoted from rendevous
There's a bit of metaphor and allegory going on. But I doubt you'd be interested now.


Of course I am, that's why I asked. I'm always curious to understand a writer's intentions.


Quoted from rendevous
Even when you kick my arse like now.


I wasn't that harsh,was I? I thought I was fairly balanced. Some parts worked for me, others didn't, which was reflected in my notes.


Quoted from rendevous
I'll impress you with a script one day. Just don't hold your breath.


Oh you have, my pert posterior(ed) friend, I remember really liking "Green" from some time ago, the one about the art exhibition. "Sandwich" too had its moments. I'm sure there has been others that slip my mind right now.

Col.



Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  July 23rd, 2015, 9:45am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 34
Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 23rd, 2015, 8:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.75
Hey Ren

Nice writing and good imagery especially at the beginning.

Thoughts...

# Seems to take a while for its length to get to the revenge thing

# The character as presented to us doesn't seem like a lothario - could we have an initial scene Where he tries and fails with a rough looking bird at the bar? Or is jealous of another couple  showing he doesn't give a toss about other folks relationships

# to justify the completion of his back revenge I think it would be handy to show things weren't just on their side - ie they could have confronted him but choose not, or they have a medicine for it but won't give it....

Perhaps a final scene could be him behind the bar, possibly a new name to it, where has introduced couples night. Wink wink

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 32 - 34
rendevous
Posted: July 24th, 2015, 7:34am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54
Col,

Some of this might look a bit weird, as I've only quoted you.


Quoted from Colkurtz8


Cool, good to hear. Hope something comes of that.


It's looking good so far.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Sorry, my bad, I thought it was "air" not "chair", hence the "skyward" comment. Ignore.


Ok so. You had me puzzling there. Nay wonder.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Yes but you know those sartorially hip gents that so often appear (predominately from nowhere) in films; silver tongued and effortlessly cool i.e. the devil!


I see what you're saying, and there's truth in that. But at the same time he didn't have horns and goats legs. Plus I could say it was a little misdirection on my part, but I'd doubt I'd get away with it.


Quoted from Colkurtz8


No, its all good, I realized this as I read and made reference to it further down in my notes.


Ok so.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Yup I draw the line at massages too...now if he says he's going to include oils, perhaps a hot stone or two, then I may reconsider.


Stop being weird.


Quoted from Colkurtz8


Nah, we call people "fu?kers" all the time where I'm from, even virgins.


Well they do in land of black and tans too. But I'm sure there are quite a few out there who do use it literally. Much like people say fuck off when they don't believe you, or think you're exaggerating.

I used to have the habit that when someone at work told me to fuck off, I used to literally do so.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

It would've made Terry extra wary of him though. They way he turns up like this in the beer garden, offering to buy him beer and play pool. Set up/trap ahoy!


Well yes, or maybe he got wise to it and wanted to see what they were gonna do. But just because someone offers to buy you a pint if you pool with them isn't always a trap.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
We've all done that but drinking on after you've been poisoned! That's, to quote Bill Hicks, "Shows a dedication I cannot fu?king relate to"


Quite, Bill would have been proud.


Quoted from Colkurtz8


Really? Ah come now, Ren, that's a bit too convenient don't you think? Obviously you don't since you said it suited you so I'll leave it at that.


Well, convenient is one way to look at it. But there's a few ways it can be viewed. As I said earlier, maybe he was getting wise to it and wanted to see what'd happen, hence the recording - just in case. Or, another way to look at this response is 'I'm backtracking and trying to cover my ever pert behind'.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Of course I am, that's why I asked? I'm always curious to understand a writer's intentions.


Alrighty then. I thought you'd have not been bothered as it seemed to fizzle out for you. Pool did seem to fit with the adultery business, men waving sticks around etc.

There's also the bit where Terry is checking the slots on machines for spare change, and he shouldn't be. The generousity of Will when Terry has already been helping himself. There's a few things like that.  


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I wasn't that harsh,was I? I thought I was fairly balanced. Some parts worked for me, others didn't, which was reflected in my notes.


You weren't so harsh, but you know what I'm like - anything less than glowing praise is treated like an all out attack. Ho hum.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Oh you have, my pert posterior(ed) friend, I remember really liking "Green" from some time ago, the one about the art exhibition. "Sandwich" too had its moments. I'm sure there has been other s that slip my mind right now.

Col.


Thanks, Col. I'd forgotten about Green myself. I must dig it out, freshen it up and stick it back up here.

Good on yer.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 33 - 34
rendevous
Posted: July 24th, 2015, 7:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.54

Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey Ren


Alright Reef. Every time I see your name I'm reminded of that fine band from Glastonbury. I can hear the riff to 'Naked' in my head. It's a good riff, and its title is merely coincidental, and in absolutely no way implies I want to see you naked. That would be too weird, even for me. Hmmm, I probably should have picked a different song...


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Nice writing and good imagery especially at the beginning.


Many thanks. I know you mean it was good in the middle and the end too, but pure stunning in its skill and breadth near the start.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Thoughts...

# Seems to take a while for its length to get to the revenge thingt


Er, surely you mean the deftly plotted developments of acts one and two?


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
# The character as presented to us doesn't seem like a lothario - could we have an initial scene Where he tries and fails with a rough looking bird at the bar?


No we couldn't.

He doesn't look like a lothario as I thought that might be too clichéd. He's not a looker as I thought that would be more insulting for Will and Barman. Plus, there's plenty of fellas with faces like bags of spanners who do alright.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Or is jealous of another couple  showing he doesn't give a toss about other folks relationshipst to justify the completion of his back revenge I think it would be handy to show things weren't just on their side - ie they could have confronted him but choose not, or they have a medicine for it but won't give it....t


I see what you're saying. And it's an idea. I'll think about it.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Perhaps a final scene could be him behind the bar, possibly a new name to it, where has introduced couples night. Wink wink

All the best


I do quite like your final suggestion. I'll think on that one too. I like to leave things more open to interpretation, but that one's not bad. Which is my way saying good.

May thanks, RD. Appreciated.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
rendevous  -  July 24th, 2015, 8:12am
Ty pose
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 34 - 34
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006