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“He opens them to reveal his phone on the chair still recording audio. He uses a knuckle to stop it.”
- Eh? How did he have the foreknowledge to record the conversation? Why would he have been suspicious of Will? Obviously he couldn't do after the poison has taken hold so he must have done it when Will when to get the drinks. Also, the word "still" suggests this was set up or referred to earlier but I didn't see any mention of Terry's phone before now.
I think I've mentioned this before but I've met a few types who record loads of conversations without other people knowing. Which suited me.
I wasn't of the idea that I needed to foreshadow the phone. I tried it, didn't like it so out it came,.
It also struck me as a rather filmy type thing that I'd get away with.
I really dug the first half of this. I loved how Will played Terry both on and off the pool table. That realization from the latter on page 4 that he felt as if he had given away the pint and 50 quid was amusing and understandable because of how the game went down, so close yet so far away. I liked that touch.
Given my initial suspicions that Will was some all knowing other worldly figure was reinforced by how he seemed so in control of the game and its outcome. His feathers were never ruffled even when staring defeat in the face, always calm, assured he would win.
Okay. I thought you were just about get dissapointed. Glad you haven't yet.
The story shifts in the second half where we get backstory shoehorned in for motive. Unfortunately, it felt crowded and purely expository, all delivered via dialogue. Then there’s this super poison concocted made by Will himself (so this guy wasn’t the devil, just a brilliant, vindictive chemist ) and the whole thing turns into a rather uninspired, by-the-numbers revenge tale...in a beer garden...with homemade poison...
It’s like Patricia Highsmith by way of Shane Meadows which sounds kinda great but here within an 8 page script I just didn't buy it. It all seemed overly elaborate and implausible. Why the whole pool and bet charade? Why not just get talking to Terry, go on rounds and spike his drink then? I dunno, is it working on some allegorical level there, pool and screwing people's wives? Also, the final twist of Terry having recorded the whole thing felt bolted on to give us an “ah ha” moment which didn’t make much sense to me for the reason I mentioned in the note above.
He wants to weigh up the guy who is shagging his wife. He's also waiting for his moment.
There's a bit of metaphor and allegory going on. But I doubt you'd be interested now.
I'll impress you with a script one day. Just don't hold your breath.
Oh you have, my pert posterior(ed) friend, I remember really liking "Green" from some time ago, the one about the art exhibition. "Sandwich" too had its moments. I'm sure there has been others that slip my mind right now.
Nice writing and good imagery especially at the beginning.
# Seems to take a while for its length to get to the revenge thing
# The character as presented to us doesn't seem like a lothario - could we have an initial scene Where he tries and fails with a rough looking bird at the bar? Or is jealous of another couple showing he doesn't give a toss about other folks relationships
# to justify the completion of his back revenge I think it would be handy to show things weren't just on their side - ie they could have confronted him but choose not, or they have a medicine for it but won't give it....
Perhaps a final scene could be him behind the bar, possibly a new name to it, where has introduced couples night. Wink wink
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Yes but you know those sartorially hip gents that so often appear (predominately from nowhere) in films; silver tongued and effortlessly cool i.e. the devil!
I see what you're saying, and there's truth in that. But at the same time he didn't have horns and goats legs. Plus I could say it was a little misdirection on my part, but I'd doubt I'd get away with it.
Nah, we call people "fu?kers" all the time where I'm from, even virgins.
Well they do in land of black and tans too. But I'm sure there are quite a few out there who do use it literally. Much like people say fuck off when they don't believe you, or think you're exaggerating.
I used to have the habit that when someone at work told me to fuck off, I used to literally do so.
Really? Ah come now, Ren, that's a bit too convenient don't you think? Obviously you don't since you said it suited you so I'll leave it at that.
Well, convenient is one way to look at it. But there's a few ways it can be viewed. As I said earlier, maybe he was getting wise to it and wanted to see what'd happen, hence the recording - just in case. Or, another way to look at this response is 'I'm backtracking and trying to cover my ever pert behind'.
Of course I am, that's why I asked? I'm always curious to understand a writer's intentions.
Alrighty then. I thought you'd have not been bothered as it seemed to fizzle out for you. Pool did seem to fit with the adultery business, men waving sticks around etc.
There's also the bit where Terry is checking the slots on machines for spare change, and he shouldn't be. The generousity of Will when Terry has already been helping himself. There's a few things like that.
Oh you have, my pert posterior(ed) friend, I remember really liking "Green" from some time ago, the one about the art exhibition. "Sandwich" too had its moments. I'm sure there has been other s that slip my mind right now.
Thanks, Col. I'd forgotten about Green myself. I must dig it out, freshen it up and stick it back up here.
Alright Reef. Every time I see your name I'm reminded of that fine band from Glastonbury. I can hear the riff to 'Naked' in my head. It's a good riff, and its title is merely coincidental, and in absolutely no way implies I want to see you naked. That would be too weird, even for me. Hmmm, I probably should have picked a different song...
# The character as presented to us doesn't seem like a lothario - could we have an initial scene Where he tries and fails with a rough looking bird at the bar?
No we couldn't.
He doesn't look like a lothario as I thought that might be too clichéd. He's not a looker as I thought that would be more insulting for Will and Barman. Plus, there's plenty of fellas with faces like bags of spanners who do alright.
Or is jealous of another couple showing he doesn't give a toss about other folks relationshipst to justify the completion of his back revenge I think it would be handy to show things weren't just on their side - ie they could have confronted him but choose not, or they have a medicine for it but won't give it....t
I see what you're saying. And it's an idea. I'll think about it.