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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Evicted - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Evicted - Filmed!  (currently 7137 views)
Dustin
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 7:56am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey custom

Had a quick read and whilst I got the outcome early, lucky guess probably, this works and is decent.

An exterior visual showing an expensive house - eg London terrace - may help and would add extra meaning to the folk able to hire others.

For once I don't have many suggestions, but I would like the 'irony' that they would put the spoon down during the meeting to take the job, in order to get more spoon, only to leave the house and lose it. Perhaps they wouldn't do that in reality, but visually that could have an impact.


Yeah I suppose an establishing shot might work some, but I don't feel it matters much. Depends on the size of the room it's filmed in I suppose. If it's small and pokey then an establishing shot would work well. Actually, thinking about it, I like the contrast of that. The first image being a nice sized home and then inside we get the proverbial and real scum. That's a nice idea. Cheers.

I'll think about the spoon thing.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Dustin...had a thought. I know you 'love' my suggestions.

His aim is to get them out the house, I assume, so that it can be taken back. Once they are out the locks can be changed etc  

So, I would almost just have him drive them to a bridge, hand them the drugs and kick them out the car, perhaps at the end of a gun.

The last scene would them not bothered, shooting up under the bridge or wherever, as the locks are changed. The killing part can work, I just saw a simpler finish.

Best of luck.


Changing the locks doesn't do much good. They'd just find another way in. It actually costs thousands of pounds to evict somebody the legal way. Even more if they're squatters. You can change the locks but they don't use keys anyway. They break in.

Plus Gianni really hates squatters.

If it was my house, I'd rather pay Gianni a couple of grand and get rid of the problem permanently than go through all the stress and expense of the legal system.

Thanks for the read and review mate. I'm not going to disagree with anything you've said as I've learned my lesson from that.


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Dustin
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 8:15am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from RichardR
Dustin,

Comments are probably the fifth worst thing in the world.


Very good.


Quoted from Rich
Good job. Clean read.  It seems like a lot of work to evict squatters, but I'll go with it.
  

Like I keep pointing out, you'd be surprised just how difficult it can be. It's also difficult to get rid of evidence like dead bodies and blood and stuff. When you put it all together, I think the logic works with this. You can't kill them on the property, so one must think of a way to lure them away. What better way than employing them to evict only for them to be the ones being evicted.

I thought it was clever, anyway.



Quoted from Rich
A suggestion might be to Gianni a bit more distinctive voice. Since you go to the trouble to give him a distinctive outfit, have the diction match.


I thought I did give him a distinctive voice. I tried to have him speak with perfect grammar. I may have effed that up though as I speak like a chav. I try not to, but my brain doesn't work as fast when I'm not writing, so my common-as-muck accent and slang hits full force. Most people I know can barely spell. I try, but.


Quoted from Rich

And the surprise might be more complete if Gianni is in the bed covered up?



I'll think about it.

I like it. I like the idea of Steve and Gavin screaming when they see it's Gianni. The terrorists, terrified. Nice. Thanks.



Revision History (1 edits)
Dustin  -  July 6th, 2015, 8:35am
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eldave1
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Well done.

Loved this description:


Quoted Text
STEVE (25), tall, skinny, scruffy as fuck, gently waves a
teaspoon, containing bubbling heroin, over a candle.


The "things I hate" was a very effective device.

Not quite sure on the ending. Specifically, in terms of where Gianni ultimately kills them (i.e., in the basement).

I thought the cleverness of luring them to the target house clad as robbers was so that he could then kill them without consequences - i.e., after the killing - he merely calls the cops - hey - these dudes tried to rob me - I defended myself - etc.

Good job on this - crisp and clean.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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vancety
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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It's me - I know - but:

" My client and his wife almost separated a few times due to the heartache."...

What did these guys do to this old couple?
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Dustin
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from eldave1

The "things I hate" was a very effective device.


Thank you. I hoped to make the reader forget about it after mentioning the second most hated thing, so it came as an 'oh yes' moment at the end. Probably not wily enough for the writers here, but an ordinary reader/viewer may fall for it. Even if they don't they should still be guessing how it's going to be tied in. I managed to distract my gf (with my story choices), so I know it will work on some.


Quoted from Dave
Not quite sure on the ending. Specifically, in terms of where Gianni ultimately kills them (i.e., in the basement).

I thought the cleverness of luring them to the target house clad as robbers was so that he could then kill them without consequences - i.e., after the killing - he merely calls the cops - hey - these dudes tried to rob me - I defended myself - etc.

Good job on this - crisp and clean.


Well it is kinda without consequences... but cops are a complication. Be far more sensible simply to get rid of the bodies. Plus in my country you can't just shoot people. I get your point though. Maybe if this was to be made in the US that could be an alternate ending.

Thanks for the read and review, mate. Appreciated, as always.


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Dustin
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from vancety
It's me - I know - but:

" My client and his wife almost separated a few times due to the heartache."...

What did these guys do to this old couple?


The age of the client is not revealed and what the squatters did, was squat in their house. Maybe a cultural thing, but in my country (UK) it costs a lot of money to legally evict squatters, if you can get them out at all.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Hey Dustin,

The reveal worked well. Didn't see it coming. Not really sure why Gianni just didn't wait till the drugs turned them into jello and then just sbot them without the planned dialog. I mean,  he did have the drop on them i initially. I guess he just enjoyed setting them up.

I was getting ready to have your two jerk offs fail miserably at their assignment. Something maybe you can expand on later.

Also,  with three characters and two of their names beginning with the letter G,  I would change one for clarity. I need to go back on some of my stuff and do the same.

Gl

Tony
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Dustin
Posted: July 7th, 2015, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
Hey Dustin,

The reveal worked well. Didn't see it coming. Not really sure why Gianni just didn't wait till the drugs turned them into jello and then just sbot them without the planned dialog. I mean,  he did have the drop on them i initially. I guess he just enjoyed setting them up.

I was getting ready to have your two jerk offs fail miserably at their assignment. Something maybe you can expand on later.

Also,  with three characters and two of their names beginning with the letter G,  I would change one for clarity. I need to go back on some of my stuff and do the same.

Gl

Tony


I thought about that as I was writing it, the name thing... but I figured it could fly as one 'G' is soft and the other hard. But I see now it is more about the visual aspect of the names rather than how they sound. I'll change that up. Cheers.

He did have the drop on them, but there might be questions asked of the landlords if squatters end up dead in their house. Whereas if they just completely disappear then there's no mess. They're just gone, end of problem. Rather than having forensic teams and a possible murder investigation centred (I dislike the UK spelling of 'centered') around the property.

Thanks for the read and taking the time out to review, mate.


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Dustin
Posted: July 8th, 2015, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Programme on Channel 5 here in the UK on squatters right now. You can see for yourself the amount of stress it causes. I bet they wish they knew a guy like Gianni.


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Marcela
Posted: July 17th, 2015, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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I loved it, as per usual, except the very end when both squatters got shot. I'd rather u kept them alive!
I didn't get the crunch of glass on the first page. When do u use glass when cooking and shooting heroin? Sorry, never done it in my life...
Also, a lot's been written about drug users, maybe it's a bit jaded theme? On the other hand, as long as people inject drugs, there will be demand for such stories...


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Dustin
Posted: July 18th, 2015, 1:35am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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The crunch of glass signals the arrival of Gianni. I'l change it to 'The crunch of glass underfoot.' As I can see how that might get confusing. Thanks.

Yes, it's tough finding new angles for stories... but this one being about squatters, it seemed to fit that they would be drug abusers. I suppose I could switch them out for alcoholics... but I think people's sympathy may be with them more.

Thanks for the read and taking the time to share your thoughts, much appreciated.


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eldave1
Posted: July 18th, 2015, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
The crunch of glass signals the arrival of Gianni. I'l change it to 'The crunch of glass underfoot.' As I can see how that might get confusing. Thanks.

Yes, it's tough finding new angles for stories... but this one being about squatters, it seemed to fit that they would be drug abusers. I suppose I could switch them out for alcoholics... but I think people's sympathy may be with them more.

Thanks for the read and taking the time to share your thoughts, much appreciated.


I think your options here are pretty limited, especially if you want to limit sympathy for their demise. I would not move to alcohol. If you're going to stay with addicts - you are better off with the illegal variety. I suppose one option is to make them more nefarious (e.g.,gang members or something) - but I think you want them to be in enough of a stupor to fall into this mess in the first place.  I would leave as is.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Forgive
Posted: July 18th, 2015, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hey Dustin - took a look at this last week and thought about it a while--

First off, your (points at a clean...) is enough of an action to be an action line.

You've then got another wrylie referring to Steve and Gavin within Gianni's dialogue which just looks messy.

Unmindful? I bet he wasn't after being disgusted, then looking for a clean spot; he was probably pretty peed off about it.

Top of p5, I'm not convinced by the dialogue and I think it would work better just to have conflict.

I agree that an establishing shot's needed, and maybe a brief shot of them in the process of breaking in, saying 'squatter rights' etc. or something, as there's no indication that they are squatters early on and if that's not made clear than Gianni's speech on p2 loses some of its dramatic impact - it looks like they're just druggies and he's having a bit of a mad rant at them.

I was wondering -- Gianni undertakes quite a bit of exposition early on, revealing what he does (albeit falsely), his motivation etc., and maybe this would be better suited to the final act - so we don't really know much about him early on except that he has an offer for the boys. I just felt that the 'final act' bit needed some QT elements on it, so we get the reveal, his motivation, all when they are stuck in his lair?

Lastly, I do get what you are saying about squatters, but it still comes across a bit extreme, so an early cut come come it so they are not actually shown being shot - just the gun levelled at one of their heads? But maybe you want some gore in there.
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Dustin
Posted: July 18th, 2015, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


I think your options here are pretty limited, especially if you want to limit sympathy for their demise. I would not move to alcohol. If you're going to stay with addicts - you are better off with the illegal variety. I suppose one option is to make them more nefarious (e.g.,gang members or something) - but I think you want them to be in enough of a stupor to fall into this mess in the first place.  I would leave as is.


I've had quite a bit of interest in this script and have agreed in email to option it to a producer. Just waiting for the contract. However, he's a writer too, so he has his own ideas for changes. He's good. I trust him. So, I'm not inclined to change anything just yet anyway.

Cheers though mate. I agree that heroin, crack or even meth (as it's likely to be shot in the US now) is the best. We don't have meth in this country. Unless it's sold as crystal ecstasy, otherwise there isn't a real market for it here. Too old fashioned. As it's the US, I think meth would be good. But I'll wait and see what he comes up with.


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Dustin
Posted: July 18th, 2015, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Hey Dustin - took a look at this last week and thought about it a while--

First off, your (points at a clean...) is enough of an action to be an action line.


I prefer it as an action wryly.


Quoted from Sicoll
You've then got another wrylie referring to Steve and Gavin within Gianni's dialogue which just looks messy.


I disagree. I think it helps the action run far faster and saves lines. Essential in a short.


Quoted from Sicoll
Unmindful? I bet he wasn't after being disgusted, then looking for a clean spot; he was probably pretty peed off about it.


Then you would clearly bet wrong. He was disgusted at the mention of anal. A little bit of dust on the floor isn't going to hurt. Why would he be pissed off? I'm interested in your take on my character and his motivations. You clearly know him far better than I do.


Quoted from Sicoll
Top of p5, I'm not convinced by the dialogue and I think it would work better just to have conflict.


Why? Give some reasoning. You need a far, far better argument than that. Which is not actually an argument it's just a baseless opinion.


Quoted from Sicoll
I agree that an establishing shot's needed, and maybe a brief shot of them in the process of breaking in, saying 'squatter rights' etc. or something, as there's no indication that they are squatters early on and if that's not made clear than Gianni's speech on p2 loses some of its dramatic impact - it looks like they're just druggies and he's having a bit of a mad rant at them.


This has some merit. But will take some thought. I'm not so sure that the reveal coming so soon is necessary... and I think that coming at the end tiers everything in nicely without signposting it. At the moment, I prefer keeping the reveal to the end. It doesn't matter what the viewer thinks to begin with so long as everything ties in at the end.


Quoted from Sicoll
I was wondering -- Gianni undertakes quite a bit of exposition early on, revealing what he does (albeit falsely), his motivation etc., and maybe this would be better suited to the final act - so we don't really know much about him early on except that he has an offer for the boys. I just felt that the 'final act' bit needed some QT elements on it, so we get the reveal, his motivation, all when they are stuck in his lair?


That would completely ruin the pace of the story and the resultant punchline. It's clearly lost on you.


Quoted from Sicoll
Lastly, I do get what you are saying about squatters, but it still comes across a bit extreme, so an early cut come come it so they are not actually shown being shot - just the gun levelled at one of their heads? But maybe you want some gore in there.


If you honestly did get what I was saying then you wouldn't think it was that extreme.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts.


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