Hey, Dustin

The premise, for whatever reason, reminded me of the Godfather, "An offer he can't refuse." Basically, do it or I'll kill you. Here, however, it's the person who can't refuse the offer, which is kind of funny in a dark comedy sort of way.

Anyway, nice read. I like how the story funneled to its conclusion, Gianni's list of most hated.

BLB

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Hey, Dustin The premise, for whatever reason, reminded me of the Godfather, "An offer he can't refuse." Basically, do it or I'll kill you. Here, however, it's the person who can't refuse the offer, which is kind of funny in a dark comedy sort of way. Anyway, nice read. I like how the story funneled to its conclusion, Gianni's list of most hated. BLB

I don't know what it is, but I often find the comedy in the darkest of situations. They do say that comedy is just drama taken too far, so perhaps the extreme situations I create call for their own comedy moments.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts, mate. I owe you a few reads I think, if you ever need eyes on something just let me know. Even through email.

Dustin

“Gavin sits back, disappointed, this doesn’t sound like it’s
going to be easy.”

- Sh?t, so this guy would rather put out!

GIANNI
The second worst kinda people in
the world are people that refuse to
pay, make me get a court order and
then, then refuse to leave. Know
what happens then?

- One too many "then" here?
“Steve nods, they look easy enough.”

- You just know this is too good to be true. The fee is exorbitant and the targets are vulnerable. It all screams “there’s a catch/it’s a set up”! Reading on...

STEVE
(considers)
Yeah, I s’pose we can. Let’s scare
the shit out of them first though.

- Ha, only junkie logic would think it better to alert the residents of their presence before robbing them rather than the other way around.

STEVE
You bastard.

Gianni grins.

GAVIN
Are we still getting paid?

Gianni and Steve glare incredulously at Gavin.

GIANNI
Do you understand the thousands of
pounds worth of damage you animals
have caused? My client and his wife
almost separated a few times due to
the heartache.

STEVE
It was already like that when we
got there.

- I would consider omitting all of this. Once Gianni says:

GIANNI
The penny drops. Clients pay me to
get rid of unwanted guests.

We know what's going down...From there, I would have him tell Gavin and Steve his number one most hated thing before shooting them. I feel it has more impact if the scene is abrupt like that rather than including those extra explanatory lines.

Yes, Gavin and Steve need it to be spelled out for them but Gianni wouldn’t be bothered enough to ensure they fully understand, nor will the audience I reckon.

Also Gavin's "Are we still getting paid" line is just pushing the cluelessness factor a little too much, in my opinion. Gianna has a gun pointed at them and tied them to beams in a basement so it’s pretty clear to all involved their deal no longer stands.

Anyway, that aside it’s an effective twist at the end. Like most, I figured something was coming but didn't anticipate this (which thinking back I really should have) so good job there.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Dustin “Gavin sits back, disappointed, this doesn’t sound like it’s going to be easy.” - Sh?t, so this guy would rather put out!

That was why I wrote that, yes.

Quoted from Col GIANNI The second worst kinda people in the world are people that refuse to pay, make me get a court order and then, then refuse to leave. Know what happens then? - One too many "then" here?

I don't think so... but if the actor struggles with it, it's an easy thing to change up.

Quoted from Col “Steve nods, they look easy enough.” - You just know this is too good to be true. The fee is exorbitant and the targets are vulnerable. It all screams “there’s a catch/it’s a set up”! Reading on...

of course it is, yes. Shame the drug addicts haven't read the same stories we have.

Quoted from Col STEVE (considers) Yeah, I s’pose we can. Let’s scare the shit out of them first though. - Ha, only junkie logic would think it better to alert the residents of their presence before robbing them rather than the other way around.

They're not the brightest sparks.

Quoted from Col STEVE You bastard. Gianni grins. GAVIN Are we still getting paid? Gianni and Steve glare incredulously at Gavin. GIANNI Do you understand the thousands of pounds worth of damage you animals have caused? My client and his wife almost separated a few times due to the heartache. STEVE It was already like that when we got there. - I would consider omitting all of this. Once Gianni says: GIANNI The penny drops. Clients pay me to get rid of unwanted guests.

I disagree on cutting all of it. It could certainly be cut down though.

Quoted from Col We know what's going down...From there, I would have him tell Gavin and Steve his number one most hated thing before shooting them. I feel it has more impact if the scene is abrupt like that rather than including those extra explanatory lines.

I disagree on the impact... but we'll see how this turns out when filmed.

Quoted from Col Also Gavin's "Are we still getting paid" line is just pushing the cluelessness factor a little too much, in my opinion. Gianna has a gun pointed at them and tied them to beams in a basement so it’s pretty clear to all involved their deal no longer stands.

It's not pretty clear to Gavin.

Quoted from Col Anyway, that aside it’s an effective twist at the end. Like most, I figured something was coming but didn't anticipate this (which thinking back I really should have) so good job there.

Cheers mate. Hopefully this one will be filmed (currently on 3 month option) and we will see if the director feels the same way as you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I really enjoyed this one!  I love how very consice your action and descriptions are.  Definitely something I could learn from!  You use just enough words to paint that picture.  

Quoted from Wesley I really enjoyed this one!  I love how very consice your action and descriptions are.  Definitely something I could learn from!  You use just enough words to paint that picture.

Thank you very much. Stick around the site. Lot of great writing styles on show here from the regular members.

This one has been filmed. The Brits may recognise one or two faces in this.

EVICTED - Short Film from Lee Howard on Vimeo.

https://vimeo.com/172288364

Looks great mate, you're on a roll!

Are they planning on submitting it to fests?

I just got off the phone with one of the directors and it seems that the plan is more to produce a few short films and then go for funding on a feature. I suppose though that a few festivals will be on the list once the team behind this film have had that discussion. I'm meeting up with them in a couple of weeks, getting some complimentary tickets to Chaplain as well.

Not sure that I'm supposed to share this film yet, as they gave me a password and I know there's another edit to go as there are a couple of areas they're not completely happy with. One of them being continuity in a cut to. A couple of other things that I can't remember now - probably because I didn't notice them myself. I don't think they know about this site though, so it should be OK. They may realise the error soon and set it to private.

Cheers mate.

You need to persuade them that you're the man for the job on that feature then!

I only spotted one continuity slip, when one of them sits up at the mention of £500, when it changes angle he's slumped baclk again... Hardly a major issue.

Good luck with this (wherever it goes) and future work with them.

CONGRATULAIONS!!! That was great!  

I noticed the directors were different than who first was going to make it?

Quoted from AnthonyCawood You need to persuade them that you're the man for the job on that feature then! I only spotted one continuity slip, when one of them sits up at the mention of £500, when it changes angle he's slumped baclk again... Hardly a major issue. Good luck with this (wherever it goes) and future work with them.

That's the slip. I've sent them a couple of other things I have, so we'll see how those go down. Cheers mate.

Quoted from Grandma Bear CONGRATULAIONS!!! That was great!   I noticed the directors were different than who first was going to make it?

Thanks, Pia. The original option ran out, so I shopped it around myself and found a new home for it. It was only a couple of months ago that I found them, so the turnaround has been a lot faster than it may seem.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It was only a couple of months ago that I found them, so the turnaround has been a lot faster than it may seem.

That's what's so amazing about this business. Some people can put together a decent short in just a month or less sometimes, while others take years. (me included). The outcome was good on this one, so that's especially good. Fast and good. Hard to pull off.

Another one! Every five seconds you're getting something filmed. And people keep getting tied up and shot in the them. Loved the dialogue for the druggies. And pretty much everything else too. Congrats.

Well done!