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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Evicted - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Evicted - Filmed!  (currently 7135 views)
Busy Little Bee
Posted: July 21st, 2015, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dustin

The premise, for whatever reason, reminded me of the Godfather, "An offer he can't refuse." Basically, do it or I'll kill you. Here, however, it's the person who can't refuse the offer, which is kind of funny in a dark comedy sort of way.

Anyway, nice read. I like how the story funneled to its conclusion, Gianni's list of most hated.

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Dustin
Posted: July 22nd, 2015, 2:35am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Busy Little Bee
Hey, Dustin

The premise, for whatever reason, reminded me of the Godfather, "An offer he can't refuse." Basically, do it or I'll kill you. Here, however, it's the person who can't refuse the offer, which is kind of funny in a dark comedy sort of way.

Anyway, nice read. I like how the story funneled to its conclusion, Gianni's list of most hated.

BLB



I don't know what it is, but I often find the comedy in the darkest of situations. They do say that comedy is just drama taken too far, so perhaps the extreme situations I create call for their own comedy moments.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts, mate. I owe you a few reads I think, if you ever need eyes on something just let me know. Even through email.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: July 22nd, 2015, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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Dustin

“Gavin sits back, disappointed, this doesn’t sound like it’s
going to be easy.”

- Sh?t, so this guy would rather put out!

GIANNI
The second worst kinda people in
the world are people that refuse to
pay, make me get a court order and
then, then refuse to leave. Know
what happens then?

- One too many "then" here?
“Steve nods, they look easy enough.”

- You just know this is too good to be true. The fee is exorbitant and the targets are vulnerable. It all screams “there’s a catch/it’s a set up”! Reading on...

STEVE
(considers)
Yeah, I s’pose we can. Let’s scare
the shit out of them first though.

- Ha, only junkie logic would think it better to alert the residents of their presence before robbing them rather than the other way around.

STEVE
You bastard.

Gianni grins.

GAVIN
Are we still getting paid?

Gianni and Steve glare incredulously at Gavin.

GIANNI
Do you understand the thousands of
pounds worth of damage you animals
have caused? My client and his wife
almost separated a few times due to
the heartache.

STEVE
It was already like that when we
got there.

- I would consider omitting all of this. Once Gianni says:

GIANNI
The penny drops. Clients pay me to
get rid of unwanted guests.

We know what's going down...From there, I would have him tell Gavin and Steve his number one most hated thing before shooting them. I feel it has more impact if the scene is abrupt like that rather than including those extra explanatory lines.

Yes, Gavin and Steve need it to be spelled out for them but Gianni wouldn’t be bothered enough to ensure they fully understand, nor will the audience I reckon.

Also Gavin's "Are we still getting paid" line is just pushing the cluelessness factor a little too much, in my opinion. Gianna has a gun pointed at them and tied them to beams in a basement so it’s pretty clear to all involved their deal no longer stands.

Anyway, that aside it’s an effective twist at the end. Like most, I figured something was coming but didn't anticipate this (which thinking back I really should have) so good job there.

Col.


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Dustin
Posted: July 26th, 2015, 11:59am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Dustin

“Gavin sits back, disappointed, this doesn’t sound like it’s
going to be easy.”

- Sh?t, so this guy would rather put out!


That was why I wrote that, yes.


Quoted from Col
GIANNI
The second worst kinda people in
the world are people that refuse to
pay, make me get a court order and
then, then refuse to leave. Know
what happens then?

- One too many "then" here?


I don't think so... but if the actor struggles with it, it's an easy thing to change up.


Quoted from Col
“Steve nods, they look easy enough.”

- You just know this is too good to be true. The fee is exorbitant and the targets are vulnerable. It all screams “there’s a catch/it’s a set up”! Reading on...


of course it is, yes. Shame the drug addicts haven't read the same stories we have.


Quoted from Col

STEVE
(considers)
Yeah, I s’pose we can. Let’s scare
the shit out of them first though.

- Ha, only junkie logic would think it better to alert the residents of their presence before robbing them rather than the other way around.


They're not the brightest sparks.


Quoted from Col
STEVE
You bastard.

Gianni grins.

GAVIN
Are we still getting paid?

Gianni and Steve glare incredulously at Gavin.

GIANNI
Do you understand the thousands of
pounds worth of damage you animals
have caused? My client and his wife
almost separated a few times due to
the heartache.

STEVE
It was already like that when we
got there.

- I would consider omitting all of this. Once Gianni says:

GIANNI
The penny drops. Clients pay me to
get rid of unwanted guests.


I disagree on cutting all of it. It could certainly be cut down though.


Quoted from Col
We know what's going down...From there, I would have him tell Gavin and Steve his number one most hated thing before shooting them. I feel it has more impact if the scene is abrupt like that rather than including those extra explanatory lines.


I disagree on the impact... but we'll see how this turns out when filmed.


Quoted from Col

Also Gavin's "Are we still getting paid" line is just pushing the cluelessness factor a little too much, in my opinion. Gianna has a gun pointed at them and tied them to beams in a basement so it’s pretty clear to all involved their deal no longer stands.


It's not pretty clear to Gavin.


Quoted from Col
Anyway, that aside it’s an effective twist at the end. Like most, I figured something was coming but didn't anticipate this (which thinking back I really should have) so good job there.


Cheers mate. Hopefully this one will be filmed (currently on 3 month option) and we will see if the director feels the same way as you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


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Wesley
Posted: August 17th, 2015, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one!  I love how very consice your action and descriptions are.  Definitely something I could learn from!  You use just enough words to paint that picture.  
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Dustin
Posted: August 17th, 2015, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Wesley
I really enjoyed this one!  I love how very consice your action and descriptions are.  Definitely something I could learn from!  You use just enough words to paint that picture.  


Thank you very much. Stick around the site. Lot of great writing styles on show here from the regular members.


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Dustin
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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This one has been filmed. The Brits may recognise one or two faces in this.


EVICTED - Short Film from Lee Howard on Vimeo.



https://vimeo.com/172288364


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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Looks great mate, you're on a roll!

Are they planning on submitting it to fests?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dustin
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I just got off the phone with one of the directors and it seems that the plan is more to produce a few short films and then go for funding on a feature. I suppose though that a few festivals will be on the list once the team behind this film have had that discussion. I'm meeting up with them in a couple of weeks, getting some complimentary tickets to Chaplain as well.

Not sure that I'm supposed to share this film yet, as they gave me a password and I know there's another edit to go as there are a couple of areas they're not completely happy with. One of them being continuity in a cut to. A couple of other things that I can't remember now - probably because I didn't notice them myself. I don't think they know about this site though, so it should be OK. They may realise the error soon and set it to private.

Cheers mate.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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You need to persuade them that you're the man for the job on that feature then!

I only spotted one continuity slip, when one of them sits up at the mention of £500, when it changes angle he's slumped baclk again... Hardly a major issue.

Good luck with this (wherever it goes) and future work with them.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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CONGRATULAIONS!!! That was great!  

I noticed the directors were different than who first was going to make it?


.
SS, is still free...
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Dustin
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 8:00am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
You need to persuade them that you're the man for the job on that feature then!

I only spotted one continuity slip, when one of them sits up at the mention of £500, when it changes angle he's slumped baclk again... Hardly a major issue.

Good luck with this (wherever it goes) and future work with them.



That's the slip. I've sent them a couple of other things I have, so we'll see how those go down. Cheers mate.



Quoted from Grandma Bear
CONGRATULAIONS!!! That was great!  

I noticed the directors were different than who first was going to make it?


Thanks, Pia. The original option ran out, so I shopped it around myself and found a new home for it. It was only a couple of months ago that I found them, so the turnaround has been a lot faster than it may seem.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin

It was only a couple of months ago that I found them, so the turnaround has been a lot faster than it may seem.

That's what's so amazing about this business. Some people can put together a decent short in just a month or less sometimes, while others take years. (me included). The outcome was good on this one, so that's especially good. Fast and good. Hard to pull off.


.
SS, is still free...
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Another one! Every five seconds you're getting something filmed. And people keep getting tied up and shot in the them. Loved the dialogue for the druggies. And pretty much everything else too. Congrats.


That rug really tied the room together.
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eldave1
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Well done!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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