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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Evicted - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Evicted by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Thriller - Two drug addled squatters receive an offer they can't refuse. 6 pages - pdf, format

+++++++++

EVICTED - Short Film from Lee Howard on Vimeo.



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Don  -  June 27th, 2016, 7:34pm
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AnthonyCawood
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Hey mate - a few thoughts, just my opinion of course

1) Voluminous normally applies to a specific thing, like a voluminous dress... not sure it works as well here.
2) Personally not a fan of the fedora on Gianni, but just mho
3) Liked the Gavin's response re not doing anal,  but wondered if Steve could retort with 'I'm not as picky' or similar.

I did see where this was going, but it got there in the right way for me.

As always it's clean and crisp writing and very visual in the telling

Good job

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Dustin
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Hey mate - a few thoughts, just my opinion of course

1) Voluminous normally applies to a specific thing, like a voluminous dress... not sure it works as well here.
2) Personally not a fan of the fedora on Gianni, but just mho
3) Liked the Gavin's response re not doing anal,  but wondered if Steve could retort with 'I'm not as picky' or similar.

I did see where this was going, but it got there in the right way for me.

As always it's clean and crisp writing and very visual in the telling

Good job

Anthony


Cheers mate. Sorted the voluminous thing out. I know it's a bit of a mouthful but I really like the fedora with tan trim. I'll consider that one. In my mind, Steve is the main guy and Gavin is the lackey, so gets all the dirty jobs. Plus I have to be careful not to go too far into comedy. I'll think about it some more though. Thanks for the suggestions and the quick read.


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Ledbetter
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Good story, Dustin,

One suggestion.

You should expand a little on the heroine shot.

You have the spoon bubbling, and then he's at mid shot though.

Maybe have him draw it, thump the syringe, or something that bridges the act from bubbling to shoot up.

Other then that, I enjoyed it.

Shawn
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LuisAnthony
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this.

One of the major things that stood out to me significantly was the dialogue, it felt very natural and it had a nice flow to it. With these kinds of characters in these kinds of situations, the dialogue tends to be very awkward, clumsy and obvious. So very good job with the dialogue.

I'm not a very big fan of these kinds of stories, in fact I don't really like them.

But there is a difference between not liking something and something being good.

This was very good.
Nice job!
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Dustin
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ledbetter
Good story, Dustin,

One suggestion.

You should expand a little on the heroine shot.

You have the spoon bubbling, and then he's at mid shot though.

Maybe have him draw it, thump the syringe, or something that bridges the act from bubbling to shoot up.

Other then that, I enjoyed it.

Shawn


Cheers mate, I'll have another look over the script and see what I can do to bridge that gap. Excellent suggestion, thanks for taking the time to check this out.


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Dustin
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LuisAnthony
I liked this.

One of the major things that stood out to me significantly was the dialogue, it felt very natural and it had a nice flow to it. With these kinds of characters in these kinds of situations, the dialogue tends to be very awkward, clumsy and obvious. So very good job with the dialogue.

I'm not a very big fan of these kinds of stories, in fact I don't really like them.

But there is a difference between not liking something and something being good.

This was very good.
Nice job!


Thank you very much. Even more so as it's not normally your thing. To be honest, I felt the same in regard to #youaredead, particularly as it's all been done before, but the story carried me through, made me laugh and had enough of an original hook to stand out from the other parodies.

Uhm... so nice work again.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin (ps if you read your name as custom beforehand that's the bloody spell check for you!)

Had a quick read and whilst I got the outcome early, lucky guess probably, this works and is decent.

An exterior visual showing an expensive house - eg London terrace - may help and would add extra meaning to the folk able to hire others.

For once I don't have many suggestions, but I would like the 'irony' that they would put the spoon down during the meeting to take the job, in order to get more spoon, only to leave the house and lose it. Perhaps they wouldn't do that in reality, but visually that could have an impact.



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RichardR
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

Comments are probably the fifth worst thing in the world.

Good job. Clean read.  It seems like a lot of work to evict squatters, but I'll go with it.  A suggestion might be to Gianni a bit more distinctive voice. Since you go to the trouble to give him a distinctive outfit, have the diction match. And the surprise might be more complete if Gianni is in the bed covered up?

Solid work.

Best
Richard
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IamGlenn
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

GAVIN
(to Gianni)
I do anything but anal.

Straight away, lovely twisted humour, that I feel you do very well in most of your stuff.

STEVE
Easiest monkey ever.

Money? Unless they are calling their victim names..

Overall, this was pretty good. I do think it is a very extreme method to use to get rid of the squatters but within this story, it works. Kind of seen where this was heading as he left out his most hated thing. It had to be them. But, that's the way it works. Writing is on point throughout again. Easy to read and enjoyable.

Best of luck with this,
Glenn.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Dustin...had a thought. I know you 'love' my suggestions.

His aim is to get them out the house, I assume, so that it can be taken back. Once they are out the locks can be changed etc  

So, I would almost just have him drive them to a bridge, hand them the drugs and kick them out the car, perhaps at the end of a gun.

The last scene would them not bothered, shooting up under the bridge or wherever, as the locks are changed. The killing part can work, I just saw a simpler finish.

Best of luck.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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MarkRenshaw
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Dustin,

I’m annoyed that Glenn spotted the ‘easiest monkey ever’ mistake as I wanted to report it. That’s a great typo haha!

An easy read, everything was crisp and I could picture each scene clearly. Some good dialogue there, it flowed very naturally. Gianna is an interesting character and I say interesting in a good way.

I didn’t see where this was heading. Drug addicts are the most unreliable and untrustworthy people in the world, apart from politicians, so it seemed odd to me at first Gianni would trust them with such a potentially volatile task. At the end, this then made sense.

I knew the old people would be more than they seemed but I didn’t guess the outcome.  The only problem I have with the story is it all seems an unnecessary elaborate scheme. A pair of druggies is not exactly the hardest couple of humans to overpower and forcibly remove.  

The amount Gianna spent on drugs and the setup seems extreme, however the way Gianna is dressed suggests he is all about doing things in style so maybe you could build upon that. If he enjoys theatrics, making a big statement, doing things a little differently, it would make it easier for me to accept his solution to the squatting problem.  

Hopefully some food for thought there.


-Mark


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Dustin
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I'll get to everyone's reviews, thanks for taking the time. I'd just like to point out that a monkey is cockney slang for £500.


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IamGlenn
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Oh, ok. Didn't know that. Forget about that part of my comment then.


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MarkRenshaw
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Quoted from Dustin
I'll get to everyone's reviews, thanks for taking the time. I'd just like to point out that a monkey is cockney slang for £500.


I should have known that, I'm from the Uk. Sure I'm from 'ooop North' but I should know better lol!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dustin
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey custom

Had a quick read and whilst I got the outcome early, lucky guess probably, this works and is decent.

An exterior visual showing an expensive house - eg London terrace - may help and would add extra meaning to the folk able to hire others.

For once I don't have many suggestions, but I would like the 'irony' that they would put the spoon down during the meeting to take the job, in order to get more spoon, only to leave the house and lose it. Perhaps they wouldn't do that in reality, but visually that could have an impact.


Yeah I suppose an establishing shot might work some, but I don't feel it matters much. Depends on the size of the room it's filmed in I suppose. If it's small and pokey then an establishing shot would work well. Actually, thinking about it, I like the contrast of that. The first image being a nice sized home and then inside we get the proverbial and real scum. That's a nice idea. Cheers.

I'll think about the spoon thing.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Dustin...had a thought. I know you 'love' my suggestions.

His aim is to get them out the house, I assume, so that it can be taken back. Once they are out the locks can be changed etc  

So, I would almost just have him drive them to a bridge, hand them the drugs and kick them out the car, perhaps at the end of a gun.

The last scene would them not bothered, shooting up under the bridge or wherever, as the locks are changed. The killing part can work, I just saw a simpler finish.

Best of luck.


Changing the locks doesn't do much good. They'd just find another way in. It actually costs thousands of pounds to evict somebody the legal way. Even more if they're squatters. You can change the locks but they don't use keys anyway. They break in.

Plus Gianni really hates squatters.

If it was my house, I'd rather pay Gianni a couple of grand and get rid of the problem permanently than go through all the stress and expense of the legal system.

Thanks for the read and review mate. I'm not going to disagree with anything you've said as I've learned my lesson from that.


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Dustin
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Dustin,

Comments are probably the fifth worst thing in the world.


Very good.


Quoted from Rich
Good job. Clean read.  It seems like a lot of work to evict squatters, but I'll go with it.
  

Like I keep pointing out, you'd be surprised just how difficult it can be. It's also difficult to get rid of evidence like dead bodies and blood and stuff. When you put it all together, I think the logic works with this. You can't kill them on the property, so one must think of a way to lure them away. What better way than employing them to evict only for them to be the ones being evicted.

I thought it was clever, anyway.



Quoted from Rich
A suggestion might be to Gianni a bit more distinctive voice. Since you go to the trouble to give him a distinctive outfit, have the diction match.


I thought I did give him a distinctive voice. I tried to have him speak with perfect grammar. I may have effed that up though as I speak like a chav. I try not to, but my brain doesn't work as fast when I'm not writing, so my common-as-muck accent and slang hits full force. Most people I know can barely spell. I try, but.


Quoted from Rich

And the surprise might be more complete if Gianni is in the bed covered up?



I'll think about it.

I like it. I like the idea of Steve and Gavin screaming when they see it's Gianni. The terrorists, terrified. Nice. Thanks.



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eldave1
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Well done.

Loved this description:


Quoted Text
STEVE (25), tall, skinny, scruffy as fuck, gently waves a
teaspoon, containing bubbling heroin, over a candle.


The "things I hate" was a very effective device.

Not quite sure on the ending. Specifically, in terms of where Gianni ultimately kills them (i.e., in the basement).

I thought the cleverness of luring them to the target house clad as robbers was so that he could then kill them without consequences - i.e., after the killing - he merely calls the cops - hey - these dudes tried to rob me - I defended myself - etc.

Good job on this - crisp and clean.


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vancety
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It's me - I know - but:

" My client and his wife almost separated a few times due to the heartache."...

What did these guys do to this old couple?
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Dustin
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Quoted from eldave1

The "things I hate" was a very effective device.


Thank you. I hoped to make the reader forget about it after mentioning the second most hated thing, so it came as an 'oh yes' moment at the end. Probably not wily enough for the writers here, but an ordinary reader/viewer may fall for it. Even if they don't they should still be guessing how it's going to be tied in. I managed to distract my gf (with my story choices), so I know it will work on some.


Quoted from Dave
Not quite sure on the ending. Specifically, in terms of where Gianni ultimately kills them (i.e., in the basement).

I thought the cleverness of luring them to the target house clad as robbers was so that he could then kill them without consequences - i.e., after the killing - he merely calls the cops - hey - these dudes tried to rob me - I defended myself - etc.

Good job on this - crisp and clean.


Well it is kinda without consequences... but cops are a complication. Be far more sensible simply to get rid of the bodies. Plus in my country you can't just shoot people. I get your point though. Maybe if this was to be made in the US that could be an alternate ending.

Thanks for the read and review, mate. Appreciated, as always.


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Dustin
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from vancety
It's me - I know - but:

" My client and his wife almost separated a few times due to the heartache."...

What did these guys do to this old couple?


The age of the client is not revealed and what the squatters did, was squat in their house. Maybe a cultural thing, but in my country (UK) it costs a lot of money to legally evict squatters, if you can get them out at all.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

The reveal worked well. Didn't see it coming. Not really sure why Gianni just didn't wait till the drugs turned them into jello and then just sbot them without the planned dialog. I mean,  he did have the drop on them i initially. I guess he just enjoyed setting them up.

I was getting ready to have your two jerk offs fail miserably at their assignment. Something maybe you can expand on later.

Also,  with three characters and two of their names beginning with the letter G,  I would change one for clarity. I need to go back on some of my stuff and do the same.

Gl

Tony
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Dustin
Posted: July 7th, 2015, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
Hey Dustin,

The reveal worked well. Didn't see it coming. Not really sure why Gianni just didn't wait till the drugs turned them into jello and then just sbot them without the planned dialog. I mean,  he did have the drop on them i initially. I guess he just enjoyed setting them up.

I was getting ready to have your two jerk offs fail miserably at their assignment. Something maybe you can expand on later.

Also,  with three characters and two of their names beginning with the letter G,  I would change one for clarity. I need to go back on some of my stuff and do the same.

Gl

Tony


I thought about that as I was writing it, the name thing... but I figured it could fly as one 'G' is soft and the other hard. But I see now it is more about the visual aspect of the names rather than how they sound. I'll change that up. Cheers.

He did have the drop on them, but there might be questions asked of the landlords if squatters end up dead in their house. Whereas if they just completely disappear then there's no mess. They're just gone, end of problem. Rather than having forensic teams and a possible murder investigation centred (I dislike the UK spelling of 'centered') around the property.

Thanks for the read and taking the time out to review, mate.


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Dustin
Posted: July 8th, 2015, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Programme on Channel 5 here in the UK on squatters right now. You can see for yourself the amount of stress it causes. I bet they wish they knew a guy like Gianni.


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I loved it, as per usual, except the very end when both squatters got shot. I'd rather u kept them alive!
I didn't get the crunch of glass on the first page. When do u use glass when cooking and shooting heroin? Sorry, never done it in my life...
Also, a lot's been written about drug users, maybe it's a bit jaded theme? On the other hand, as long as people inject drugs, there will be demand for such stories...


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Dustin
Posted: July 18th, 2015, 1:35am Report to Moderator
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The crunch of glass signals the arrival of Gianni. I'l change it to 'The crunch of glass underfoot.' As I can see how that might get confusing. Thanks.

Yes, it's tough finding new angles for stories... but this one being about squatters, it seemed to fit that they would be drug abusers. I suppose I could switch them out for alcoholics... but I think people's sympathy may be with them more.

Thanks for the read and taking the time to share your thoughts, much appreciated.


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eldave1
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Quoted from Dustin
The crunch of glass signals the arrival of Gianni. I'l change it to 'The crunch of glass underfoot.' As I can see how that might get confusing. Thanks.

Yes, it's tough finding new angles for stories... but this one being about squatters, it seemed to fit that they would be drug abusers. I suppose I could switch them out for alcoholics... but I think people's sympathy may be with them more.

Thanks for the read and taking the time to share your thoughts, much appreciated.


I think your options here are pretty limited, especially if you want to limit sympathy for their demise. I would not move to alcohol. If you're going to stay with addicts - you are better off with the illegal variety. I suppose one option is to make them more nefarious (e.g.,gang members or something) - but I think you want them to be in enough of a stupor to fall into this mess in the first place.  I would leave as is.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Forgive
Posted: July 18th, 2015, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin - took a look at this last week and thought about it a while--

First off, your (points at a clean...) is enough of an action to be an action line.

You've then got another wrylie referring to Steve and Gavin within Gianni's dialogue which just looks messy.

Unmindful? I bet he wasn't after being disgusted, then looking for a clean spot; he was probably pretty peed off about it.

Top of p5, I'm not convinced by the dialogue and I think it would work better just to have conflict.

I agree that an establishing shot's needed, and maybe a brief shot of them in the process of breaking in, saying 'squatter rights' etc. or something, as there's no indication that they are squatters early on and if that's not made clear than Gianni's speech on p2 loses some of its dramatic impact - it looks like they're just druggies and he's having a bit of a mad rant at them.

I was wondering -- Gianni undertakes quite a bit of exposition early on, revealing what he does (albeit falsely), his motivation etc., and maybe this would be better suited to the final act - so we don't really know much about him early on except that he has an offer for the boys. I just felt that the 'final act' bit needed some QT elements on it, so we get the reveal, his motivation, all when they are stuck in his lair?

Lastly, I do get what you are saying about squatters, but it still comes across a bit extreme, so an early cut come come it so they are not actually shown being shot - just the gun levelled at one of their heads? But maybe you want some gore in there.
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Dustin
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Quoted from eldave1


I think your options here are pretty limited, especially if you want to limit sympathy for their demise. I would not move to alcohol. If you're going to stay with addicts - you are better off with the illegal variety. I suppose one option is to make them more nefarious (e.g.,gang members or something) - but I think you want them to be in enough of a stupor to fall into this mess in the first place.  I would leave as is.


I've had quite a bit of interest in this script and have agreed in email to option it to a producer. Just waiting for the contract. However, he's a writer too, so he has his own ideas for changes. He's good. I trust him. So, I'm not inclined to change anything just yet anyway.

Cheers though mate. I agree that heroin, crack or even meth (as it's likely to be shot in the US now) is the best. We don't have meth in this country. Unless it's sold as crystal ecstasy, otherwise there isn't a real market for it here. Too old fashioned. As it's the US, I think meth would be good. But I'll wait and see what he comes up with.


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Dustin
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Quoted from Forgive
Hey Dustin - took a look at this last week and thought about it a while--

First off, your (points at a clean...) is enough of an action to be an action line.


I prefer it as an action wryly.


Quoted from Sicoll
You've then got another wrylie referring to Steve and Gavin within Gianni's dialogue which just looks messy.


I disagree. I think it helps the action run far faster and saves lines. Essential in a short.


Quoted from Sicoll
Unmindful? I bet he wasn't after being disgusted, then looking for a clean spot; he was probably pretty peed off about it.


Then you would clearly bet wrong. He was disgusted at the mention of anal. A little bit of dust on the floor isn't going to hurt. Why would he be pissed off? I'm interested in your take on my character and his motivations. You clearly know him far better than I do.


Quoted from Sicoll
Top of p5, I'm not convinced by the dialogue and I think it would work better just to have conflict.


Why? Give some reasoning. You need a far, far better argument than that. Which is not actually an argument it's just a baseless opinion.


Quoted from Sicoll
I agree that an establishing shot's needed, and maybe a brief shot of them in the process of breaking in, saying 'squatter rights' etc. or something, as there's no indication that they are squatters early on and if that's not made clear than Gianni's speech on p2 loses some of its dramatic impact - it looks like they're just druggies and he's having a bit of a mad rant at them.


This has some merit. But will take some thought. I'm not so sure that the reveal coming so soon is necessary... and I think that coming at the end tiers everything in nicely without signposting it. At the moment, I prefer keeping the reveal to the end. It doesn't matter what the viewer thinks to begin with so long as everything ties in at the end.


Quoted from Sicoll
I was wondering -- Gianni undertakes quite a bit of exposition early on, revealing what he does (albeit falsely), his motivation etc., and maybe this would be better suited to the final act - so we don't really know much about him early on except that he has an offer for the boys. I just felt that the 'final act' bit needed some QT elements on it, so we get the reveal, his motivation, all when they are stuck in his lair?


That would completely ruin the pace of the story and the resultant punchline. It's clearly lost on you.


Quoted from Sicoll
Lastly, I do get what you are saying about squatters, but it still comes across a bit extreme, so an early cut come come it so they are not actually shown being shot - just the gun levelled at one of their heads? But maybe you want some gore in there.


If you honestly did get what I was saying then you wouldn't think it was that extreme.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts.


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Forgive
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My pleasure Dustin. Congrats on getting some interest on it.
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J.S.
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Dustin I'm finding this to be one of your lesser efforts.

I had problems visualizing the beginning to the point I became frustrated to push on. So many clarity issues. And nothing really original here.

I'm not British so I had to look up squat in an effort to better understand what I'm suppose to be imagining. Slang in a slugline? That's not reader-friendly. Even so, from the definitions I'm reading (a residence where a person lives unlawfully: without paying and without obtaining permission) this is still extremely vague. Although I understand your intentions here were detail, I don't even know what room they're in. Is it furnished? Are they sitting on the ground, sitting in chairs, stools, boxes, or standing? All terribly unclear I'm afraid. The characters just pop into existence in this squat and where exactly they are situated in it, I haven't the faintest idea.

Then Gianni appears and you describe him with such detail as if you are the costume designer for the film. Why not just call him dapper? Do the listed articles of clothing play an important role in the story?

So as I read your dialogue questions begin to pop into my mind. Why is this dapper man offering these lowlifes work? Are you sure the genre of this is not mystery?

"Gavin sits back" - Gavin was sitting? Relaxes into the chair? The sofa? No clue.

"Unmindful of the dry cleaning bill, Gianni takes a seat."

Where? I'm surprised your wrote this Dustin. Usually you don't make mistakes like this.

The dialogue is pretty rubbish. Why should I care if some guy who likes designer clothing creeps up on two druggies in a "squat" and says he has work. This is unintentionally funny.

I know you've done better than this.

-J.S.
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Dustin
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Quoted from Forgive
My pleasure Dustin.


So you're not prepared to explain your comments? Why would Gianni act pissed off when his aim is to employ and therefore lure them to their doom? Wouldn't being pissed off be a little counter productive to his aims? Do you think that he should have taken part in the anal sex? Would that have satisfied you more?


Quoted from Sicoll
Congrats on getting some interest on it.


Thanks.



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Dustin
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Quoted from J.S.
Dustin I'm finding this to be one of your lesser efforts.


I'm pretty sure you say that with every script I write.



Quoted from J.S.
I had problems visualizing the beginning to the point I became frustrated to push on.


It's called a lack of imagination, James.


Quoted from J.S.
So many clarity issues.


Lots of people have read this now and you're the only one to point that out.


Quoted from J.S.
And nothing really original here.


As opposed to your own scripts, of course.


Quoted from J.S.
I'm not British so I had to look up squat in an effort to better understand what I'm suppose to be imagining.


Diddums. You might need to look that up too, come to think of it. So, diddums again.


Quoted from Stampp
Slang in a slugline?


No. There isn't any slang in the slug line.

http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/squat

That's a link to the definition in the dictionary. As you can see it is a formal definition. The fact that you don't know it speaks of your ignorance that I am not obliged to address or, indeed, attempt to pre-empt.


Quoted from J.S.
That's not reader-friendly.


You mean it's not James Stampp friendly.


Quoted from J.S.
Even so, from the definitions I'm reading (a residence where a person lives unlawfully: without paying and without obtaining permission) this is still extremely vague.


Seems simple enough to me. I'm sorry James, but you can't have your hand held forever. If you don't get it with that simple enough explanation then there really isn't any hope for you.


Quoted from J.S.
Although I understand your intentions here were detail, I don't even know what room they're in.


The room with a window in it... but they can't see out because it is boarded up.


Quoted from J.S.
Is it furnished?


Yeah, it's kitted out with designer furniture.


Quoted from Stampp
Are they sitting on the ground, sitting in chairs, stools, boxes, or standing? All terribly unclear I'm afraid.


It doesn't actually matter.


Quoted from J.S.
The characters just pop into existence in this squat...


No they don't just pop into existence. That's not in the script at all. What you mean is that the story starts with them in the squat.


Quoted from J.S.
and where exactly they are situated in it, I haven't the faintest idea.


You've said that already. It's your lack of imagination at fault here... which is also why your own writing suffers so much.


Quoted from J.S.
Then Gianni appears and you describe him with such detail as if you are the costume designer for the film. Why not just call him dapper? Do the listed articles of clothing play an important role in the story?


It adds character. You wouldn't understand this though James, because your own work is so dire.


Quoted from J.S.
So as I read your dialogue questions begin to pop into my mind.


Wow... questions plural, eh. I bet you're pleased with yourself.



Quoted from J.S.
Why is this dapper man offering these lowlifes work?


That's a normal question, well done. I imagine most would think that exact same thing. What's your point?


Quoted from J.S.
Are you sure the genre of this is not mystery?


Ah, I see. Well, James... I know you're not aware of this, because you write like a seven-year-old, but in quite a lot of stories one often has to wait until the end to tie everything in. It doesn't make the genre mystery. Although it's nice to have that element in any story. That'l be over your head. It's just there for any six-year-old kids that happen to be browsing.


Quoted from J.S.
"Gavin sits back" - Gavin was sitting? Relaxes into the chair? The sofa? No clue.


It's a squat... and there isn't any description of furniture.


Quoted from J.S.
"Unmindful of the dry cleaning bill, Gianni takes a seat."

Where? I'm surprised your wrote this Dustin. Usually you don't make mistakes like this.


Ah, I see what you did there. Here's the whole section in context:

Code

Gianni
(points at a clean spot on the floor)
Mind if I?

Steve nods.

Unmindful of the dry cleaning bill, Gianni takes a seat.



There, now within context it's quite clear where he sits. I would suggest that you did it deliberately but you're not that bright.



Quoted from J.S.
The dialogue is pretty rubbish. Why should I care if some guy who likes designer clothing creeps up on two druggies in a "squat" and says he has work. This is unintentionally funny.


Well, you're wrong again, James. It is intentionally funny in parts... and, get this, it's not a comedy.


Quoted from Stampp
I know you've done better than this.

-J.S.


Really? This is actually one of my most successful shorts.


Well thanks for sharing your ignorant opinion, James. Let me know next time you post a story and I will take great pleasure in taking it apart line by line.


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J.S.
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Quoted from Dustin

That's a link to the definition in the dictionary. As you can see it is a formal definition. The fact that you don't know it speaks of your ignorance that I am not obliged to address or, indeed, attempt to pre-empt.


It isn't slang, true. But it is chiefly British and I was unaware of its meaning, as I said. If your goal for this is to appeal chiefly to a British audience/producer, fine. No contest. But I don't think many other English speakers--this includes American producers btw --would know what this means. Not providing clarification for non-British English speakers is why I find it isn't reader-friendly.


Quoted from Dustin

The room with a window in it... but they can't see out because it is boarded up.


Maybe you should put that in the script then


Quoted from Dustin

No they don't just pop into existence. That's not in the script at all. What you mean is that the story starts with them in the squat.


From the link you provided:
"A building occupied by people living in it without the legal right to do so"

Nothing about a room with a window in it that's boarded up in this definition. For all I know they could be in the bathroom. On the stairs. I don't know, maybe there is more to the definition amongst British speakers than the dictionary is letting on. But working from that definition, I'm unable to visualize their location. All I know is that they're inside the building.


Quoted from Dustin

That's a normal question, well done. I imagine most would think that exact same thing. What's your point?


I wasn't asking out of curiosity. I was asking it out of astonishment of the absurdity of the situation you've presented.


Quoted from Dustin

Ah, I see. Well, James... I know you're not aware of this, because you write like a seven-year-old, but in quite a lot of stories one often has to wait until the end to tie everything in.


This is called a mystery. Consult your compatriot Mr. Hitchcock


Quoted from Dustin

There, now within context it's quite clear where he sits. I would suggest that you did it deliberately but you're not that bright.


I did miss this, true. As I was typing up my response I was getting confused between your characters Gavin and Gianni which actually speaks to another point of criticism I should have mentioned. At first I thought it was Gavin who entered the room and not Gianni. Probably should give one of them a different name to avoid confusion. That way when the audience is discussing your short, and one guy says to a gal, "I liked that Gavin character" she responds, "Which one was that?"

You're welcome.

-J.S.
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Dustin
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Quoted from J.S.


It isn't slang, true. But it is chiefly British and I was unaware of its meaning, as I said. If your goal for this is to appeal chiefly to a British audience/producer, fine. No contest. But I don't think many other English speakers--this includes American producers btw --would know what this means. Not providing clarification for non-British English speakers is why I find it isn't reader-friendly.


OK, James. Here's a link from Wiki, which seems to believe that squatting is a word known to most Americans:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squatting_in_the_United_States



Quoted from wiki
The United States Homestead Acts legally recognized the concept of the homestead principle and distinguished it from squatting, since it gave homesteaders permission to occupy unclaimed lands. Additionally, US states that have a shortage of housing tend to tolerate squatters in property awaiting redevelopment until the developer is ready to begin work. However, at that point, the laws tend to be enforced.[citation needed] The Homestead Act of 1862 was signed by Abraham Lincoln on May 20 and sought to reallocate unsettled land in the West. The law applied to U.S. citizens and prospective citizens that had never borne arms against the U.S. government. It required a five-year commitment, during which time the land owner had to build a twelve-by-fourteen foot dwelling, develop the 160-acre (0.65 km2) plot of land allocated, and generally better the condition of the unsettled property. After five years of positively contributing to the homestead, the applicant could file for the deed to the property, which entailed sending paperwork to the General Land Office in Washington, D.C., and from there, "valid claims were granted patent free and clear".[7] Moreover, there were loopholes to this law, including provisions made for those serving in the U.S. military. After the Civil War, Union veterans could deduct time served in the army from the five-year homesteader requirement.

In common law, through the legally recognized concept of adverse possession, a squatter can become a bona fide owner of property without compensation to the owner. Adverse possession is the process by which one acquires the title to a piece of land by occupying it for the number of years necessary, dictated differently in practice by each state's statute of limitation for an eviction action. A necessary component of this transfer of ownership requires that the landowner is aware (or should be aware) of the land occupation[citation needed] and does nothing to put an end to it. If the land use by the new occupant goes unchecked for the said number of years, the new occupant can claim legal rights to the title of the land. The occupant must show that the "possession is actual, open, notorious, exclusive, hostile, under cover of claim or right, and continuous and uninterrupted for the statutory period."[8] As Erin Wiegand notes, the most difficult part of claiming adverse possession on the part of squatters is the continuous part. Squatting is a very transient lifestyle and many are evicted on a frequent basis.[9] In an article regarding recent foreclosures in the United States, a current squatter in Miami stated of her housing, "It's a beautiful castle and it's temporary for me, if I can be here twenty-four hours, I'm thankful."[10] Thus, while adverse possession allows for the legality of a squatter's situation, it is not common that a person can claim continuous possession of the land long enough to claim title by adverse possession.



Quoted from J.S.
Maybe you should put that in the script then


I was being sarcastic as it really doesn't matter what room they are in. I believe the following sets the scene adequately:

Code

Candlelight flickers across walls.

Rats scurry through rubbish.



The rest is up to the reader's imagination.


Quoted from J.S.

From the link you provided:
"A building occupied by people living in it without the legal right to do so"

Nothing about a room with a window in it that's boarded up in this definition. For all I know they could be in the bathroom. On the stairs. I don't know, maybe there is more to the definition amongst British speakers than the dictionary is letting on. But working from that definition, I'm unable to visualize their location. All I know is that they're inside the building.


If you had to guess which room two tramps would be sitting in amidst piles of rubbish, which one would you choose?


Quoted from J.S.
Why is this dapper man offering these lowlifes work?

I wasn't asking out of curiosity. I was asking it out of astonishment of the absurdity of the situation you've presented.


Ah, it was an incredulous statement. What on earth is this dapper gentleman doing offering these lowlifes work? How absurd. Gotcha, thanks.




Quoted from J.S.
This is called a mystery. Consult your compatriot Mr. Hitchcock


No, it's a mystery element within a thriller structure. Just like there is comedy within the script, they are merely comedic elements and don't make the whole story a comedy. Gianni very quickly reveals why he wants them to work with him, he just takes his time explaining it. You must prefer to throw the whole story into one huge lump of dialogue, but I like to spread it out. It doesn't make it a mystery. If you read the whole thing, you'd know that. But you haven't and yet still you argue.



Quoted from J.S.
I did miss this, true. As I was typing up my response I was getting confused between your characters Gavin and Gianni which actually speaks to another point of criticism I should have mentioned. At first I thought it was Gavin who entered the room and not Gianni. Probably should give one of them a different name to avoid confusion. That way when the audience is discussing your short, and one guy says to a gal, "I liked that Gavin character" she responds, "Which one was that?"


I doubt that that would happen... and here's why... no names are mentioned at all during dialogue. The names are only there for the reader. The fact that you got confused isn't really a surprise. It's like when a small child wets themselves. It's normal. It's a little kid, what do you expect?


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IamGlenn
Posted: July 18th, 2015, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Just to weigh in on the squatters debate.

I'm Irish, squatters is a very well known term here. Also, lived in Australia for two years and seemed to be a known term there too. Actually, a hostel I stayed in used to be a prison and before being turned into a hostel, was taken up by squatters. There were many news articles about it with the term squatters used in all of them. So yeah, I always took it as being a pretty universal term.

Just my two cents


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J.S.
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Quoted from Dustin

Here's a link from Wiki, which seems to believe that squatting is a word known to most Americans:


This doesn't prove it's known to most Americans. A poll would prove it's known to most Americans. Perhaps it is, though, you're right. I'm in the minority if that's the case. Either way, I learned something today


Quoted from Dustin

If you had to guess which room two tramps would be sitting in amidst piles of rubbish, which one would you choose?


I'm baffled. Why didn't you just say they were tramps in the first place? What's wrong with writing two tramps, in some room inside an abandoned building? I would know what you're talking about instantly. This is just like what Orson Welles said about the writers during the latter part of his life. They like to use big words in order to impress. You're writing for the screen Dustin. You're not Bill Shakespeare.


Quoted from Dustin

Ah, it was an incredulous statement.


Dumbstruck. I was dumbstruck.


Quoted from Dustin

No, it's a mystery element within a thriller structure.


When you begin your exposition with a mystery, I lose faith in your exposition. You have a mysterious, well dressed, shady figure talking to two tramps about a job. All this is a mystery to the tramps and the audience. Sure, it isn't illegal to do this. Rather than giving the audience information, as a writer normally does during exposition of a story, you resort to mystification. I have no interest in this. If I were to see this happening during broad daylight I wouldn't care the slightest. I would go on my merry way. I believe I'm in the majority when I say that. Now if I saw the Prince of Zamunda talking to two tramps, that would probably grab my attention. If I saw an officer playing guitar in front of two tramps, that would grab my attention. If I saw a belly dancer throwing up in front of two tramps, that would grab my attention. What you wrote? Next channel.


Quoted from Dustin

I doubt that that would happen... and here's why... no names are mentioned at all during dialogue. The names are only there for the reader. The fact that you got confused isn't really a surprise. It's like when a small child wets themselves. It's normal. It's a little kid, what do you expect?


That's even worse Dustin! Why did you give them names in the first place?? Skinny tramp and Fat tramp. Done.

You're welcome.

-J.S.
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Dustin
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 2:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from J.S.


This doesn't prove it's known to most Americans. A poll would prove it's known to most Americans. Perhaps it is, though, you're right. I'm in the minority if that's the case. Either way, I learned something today


Point to where I said it proved anything. But here's another link and some more information that intimates the exact same thing.


Quoted from wiki
The Preemption Act of 1841, also known as the Distributive Preemption Act (27 Cong., Ch. 16; 5 Stat. 453), was a federal law approved on September 4, 1841 during the early presidency of John Tyler. It was designed to "appropriate the proceeds of the sales of public lands... and to grant 'pre-emption rights' to individuals" who were already living on federal lands (commonly referred to as "squatters").


Commonly referred to as squatters. That's in 1841.

Here's more:


Quoted from Law Street Media
Squatting in the United States can be traced all the way back to the Pilgrims who arrived here on the Mayflower. According to a Santa Clara Law report by Kenneth A. Manaster, it has primarily been seen as a rural issue, with the majority of cases involving  people claiming land that’s not theirs on the western frontier. Squatters often took possession of land to which they had no title. Through a process of preemption, they were given the opportunity to purchase that land at a low price before it was put up for auction and sold.

Today squatting is seen primarily as a civil issue rather than a criminal one in many countries. In Europe, anyone with unopposed occupation of a piece of land for more than 12 years can gain a title to it. In order to get rid of squatters, owners must take them to court in lengthy and costly legal battles to prove that they are unlawfully occupying their property.

WHAT ARE SQUATTERS RIGHTS?

For starters, the term “squatters rights” has no precise or fixed legal meaning, varying contextually speaking based on jurisdiction. In the United States it is most commonly associated with being a specific form of adverse possession, which is an ancient legal doctrine that has been called the “law of the landless.” Adverse possession is defined as:

A method of gaining legal title to real property by the actual, open, hostile, and continuous possession of it to the exclusion of its true owner for the period prescribed by state law. Personal property may also be acquired by adverse possession.


http://lawstreetmedia.com/issues/law-and-politics/squatters-rights/



Quoted from Stampp

I'm baffled. Why didn't you just say they were tramps in the first place? What's wrong with writing two tramps, in some room inside an abandoned building? I would know what you're talking about instantly. This is just like what Orson Welles said about the writers during the latter part of his life. They like to use big words in order to impress. You're writing for the screen Dustin. You're not Bill Shakespeare.


Oh this is just brilliant. You believe squat is a big word. Indeed a larger word than Abandoned Building. In my country we can just say 'squat'... but you'd prefer abandoned building because it is a smaller word. People that live in filthy, rat-ridden squats and abuse drugs are always tramps. What else could they be?




Quoted from Stampp
Dumbstruck. I was dumbstruck.


I'm guessing this happens a lot with you, James. Excellent choice of words.



Quoted from Stampp
When you begin your exposition with a mystery, I lose faith in your exposition. You have a mysterious, well dressed, shady figure talking to two tramps about a job. All this is a mystery to the tramps and the audience.


Then by this logic all stories are mysteries as we cannot know what is going to happen until it happens. We might feel that we can guess, but it is still a mystery until it actually happens.



Quoted from Stampp
Sure, it isn't illegal to do this. Rather than giving the audience information, as a writer normally does during exposition of a story, you resort to mystification.


Then it isn't exposition.



Quoted from Stampp
I have no interest in this. If I were to see this happening during broad daylight I wouldn't care the slightest.


wtf are you talking about now?


Quoted from Stampp
I would go on my merry way. I believe I'm in the majority when I say that. Now if I saw the Prince of Zamunda talking to two tramps, that would probably grab my attention.


Ah, I get it. How would you know it was the Prince of Zamunda? You expect a prince to walk around with a crown on their head?



Quoted from Stampp
If I saw an officer playing guitar in front of two tramps, that would grab my attention.


You sure... wouldn't there be a bit of mystery there though? Wouldn't you first have to figure out why the officer was doing that? Or is it instantly obvious to you?



Quoted from Stampp
If I saw a belly dancer throwing up in front of two tramps, that would grab my attention. What you wrote? Next channel.


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Exactly the same thing happens in your scripts, James.


Quoted from Stampp

That's even worse Dustin! Why did you give them names in the first place?? Skinny tramp and Fat tramp. Done.


So Skinny Tramp and Fat Tramp are not names? OK, mate... some advice for you, start out with the Mr Men series and work your way up from there. In thirty or forty years time, attempt to write something of your own... but don't show it to anybody.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Dustin  -  July 19th, 2015, 3:33am
Insults.
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wonkavite
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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Okay - I have to just throw in my five cents here.

"Squatters" is a very well known American term.  Given that I live in the Bronx, I use it to describe the situation of a few houses on my block all the time...  

--Cheers,

--J
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Stumpzian
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I hate to be the 40th person commenting on anything, but I've been out of pocket (U.S expression, 1908, meaning away or unavailable).

Effective short -- crisply told, funny lines (eg: "do we still get the money?"), absurdist situation made believable.

For me, there was no confusion about anything. As Janet said, squatter is a pretty common term.

Henry



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J.S.
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I hate to belabor this but since several have chimed in, we were talking about "squat", the noun, "A building occupied by people living in it without the legal right to do so", which according to the dictionary is chiefly British. I wasn't aware of either squat or squatters/squatting but, regardless, you're missing the larger point I'm making about clarity. Which is...

Even if you had written "INT. ABANDONED BUILDING" how does that somehow make it more clear where your characters are located? You response was, it isn't important. "If you had to guess which room two tramps would be sitting in amidst piles of rubbish, which one would you choose?" How ironic because when I questioned why you would choose to detail your character so much, you responded with. "It adds character." If you wanted me to guess about the setting, why not have me guess about the characters? Not very consistent.


Quoted from Dustin

Oh this is just brilliant. You believe squat is a big word. Indeed a larger word than Abandoned Building. In my country we can just say 'squat'... but you'd prefer abandoned building because it is a smaller word. People that live in filthy, rat-ridden squats and abuse drugs are always tramps. What else could they be?


Exactly, this proves my point. You're not being clear. You want the reader to guess. As one of my teachers once said, "If I have to guess at the meaning of your words, you're getting a lower grade." And another common thing I've heard English teachers say is, "When in doubt, write it out." Yes, in your country you can say "squat", and people will understand what that means. I have never heard anyone refer to an abandoned building or site occupied by tramps referred to as a squat.


Quoted from Dustin

I'm guessing this happens a lot with you, James. Excellent choice of words.


Yes, and thanks


Quoted from Dustin

Then by this logic all stories are mysteries as we cannot know what is going to happen until it happens. We might feel that we can guess, but it is still a mystery until it actually happens.


No, Dustin. Not knowing what's going to happen until it happens is not the same as, "one often has to wait until the end to tie everything in." Your script is six pages long. Middle of page three is when he makes it clear what the job is. So up to that point its a mystery to the reader and the tramps. Your exposition ends three quarters in on page 4. Think about that. Where is the thriller part in this? Last two pages? Poor exposition.


Quoted from Dustin

Then it isn't exposition.


What isn't exposition?


Quoted from Dustin

Ah, I get it. How would you know it was the Prince of Zamunda? You expect a prince to walk around with a crown on their head?


Apparently you don't know who the Prince of Zamunda is


Quoted from Dustin

So Skinny Tramp and Fat Tramp are not names?


You know what I meant, Dustin. Why did you give them proper names? They don't need it. Not only is more detailed and clear, it avoids confusion

-J.S.

Revision History (1 edits)
J.S.  -  July 19th, 2015, 4:37pm
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Max
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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J.S,

What word do you use instead of squatters?  What's the equivalent?
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Dustin
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian
I hate to be the 40th person commenting on anything, but I've been out of pocket (U.S expression, 1908, meaning away or unavailable).

Effective short -- crisply told, funny lines (eg: "do we still get the money?"), absurdist situation made believable.

For me, there was no confusion about anything. As Janet said, squatter is a pretty common term.

Henry


Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts, Henry. Out of all the interest I've had in this script, only two of them are British, and one of them lives in LA. The rest, 4, are American. So they obviously haven't got a problem with it. I was surprised, as I wrote this with a British audience in mind. The dialogue is very British. I'll often Americanise my scripts, but my British voice is the strongest. So it was a conscious decision by me to keep this British and set in London.

Thanks again. Hope to see something new from you soon.


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Dustin
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
J.S,

What word do you use instead of squatters?  What's the equivalent?


I believe they're called 'squatters', Max.
Here's a link to the word in the Merriam-Webster, America's number one dictionary:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/squatter

No mention there of it being chiefly British.


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J.S.
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


I believe they're called 'squatters', Max.
Here's a link to the word in the Merriam-Webster, America's number one dictionary:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/squatter

No mention there of it being chiefly British.


http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/squat

Squat noun 4 chiefly British :  an empty house or building that is occupied by squatters
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Max
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


I believe they're called 'squatters', Max.
Here's a link to the word in the Merriam-Webster, America's number one dictionary:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/squatter

No mention there of it being chiefly British.




I've obviously heard of the term, lol.

If you aren't familiar with the term "squatters" J.S, what word are you familiar with? Just curious, because I'm sure you're fully aware of what a squatter actually is.
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J.S.
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max

If you aren't familiar with the term "squatters" J.S, what word are you familiar with? Just curious, because I'm sure you're fully aware of what a squatter actually is.


I may have heard the term squatter/squatting used back in high school or something, but perhaps I have forgotten it. I have no idea. Maybe I haven't heard it all.

I don't think there is a specific word I would use because squatting/squatter sounds like an umbrella term to me that would include vagrants, nomadic and indigenous people, people who live in slums, and apparently, reading from wikipedia, "Young people squat buildings to use as concert venues for alternative types of music such as punk and hardcore." I have always used words that are context specific.
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Max
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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You can squat in a mansion, btw.

It's just the act of occupying a building and living there without permission of the owner.  You could be a millionaire and a squatter at the same time.

You must know this act by a certain word, surely?  If the word is "squatter", and you've forgotten the term because you haven't heard it since school... then I don't know what to say.
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J.S.
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Quoted from Max
You can squat in a mansion, btw.

It's just the act of occupying a building and living there without permission of the owner.  You could be a millionaire and a squatter at the same time.

You must know this act by a certain word, surely?  If the word is "squatter" and you've forgotten the term because you haven't heard it since school... then I don't know what to say.


No, I don't know it by a certain word. I was referring to the noun which is chiefly British. Third time I've had to say this.
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Dustin
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from J.S.
I hate to belabor this...


Of course you do.



Quoted from Stampp
...but since several have chimed in, we were talking about "squat", the noun, "A building occupied by people living in it without the legal right to do so", which according to the dictionary is chiefly British. I wasn't aware of either squat or squatters/squatting but, regardless, you're missing the larger point I'm making about clarity. Which is...


This is what you don't get James, everybody, certainly those that have chimed in, already know what we're talking about. It is you that's confused, remember.


Quoted from Stampp
Even if you had written "INT. ABANDONED BUILDING" how does that somehow make it more clear where your characters are located? You response was, it isn't important. "If you had to guess which room two tramps would be sitting in amidst piles of rubbish, which one would you choose?"


In a squat of this description (rats scurrying, rubbish everywhere, no electricity) it really doesn't matter which room it is because they are just rooms full of shit. Maybe the bathroom would be worth remarking upon, but aside from that, it could be any room as they would all look the same. It's a squat. If I were to write LIVING ROOM, then this could actually cause the reader to imagine a type of living room. I don't want that. I just want people to imagine a rat, scurrying, rubbish-filled squat cohabited by two drug abusers. Which most can.


Quoted from Stampp
How ironic because when I questioned why you would choose to detail your character so much, you responded with. "It adds character." If you wanted me to guess about the setting, why not have me guess about the characters? Not very consistent.


I'm not sure this actually warrants an answer. It's bordering on complete idiocy.


Quoted from Stampp
Exactly, this proves my point. You're not being clear. You want the reader to guess. As one of my teachers once said, "If I have to guess at the meaning of your words, you're getting a lower grade." And another common thing I've heard English teachers say is, "When in doubt, write it out." Yes, in your country you can say "squat", and people will understand what that means. I have never heard anyone refer to an abandoned building or site occupied by tramps referred to as a squat.


No, I expect my readers to arrive with an imagination.



Quoted from Stampp

No, Dustin. Not knowing what's going to happen until it happens is not the same as, "one often has to wait until the end to tie everything in."


Well the end is a happening too... so until it happens, how can we know what's going to happen? The beginning must also happen and we cannot know until we read the beginning what will happen in the beginning. So it's a complete mystery.



Quoted from Stampp
Your script is six pages long.


Thanks for the reminder.



Quoted from Stampp
Middle of page three is when he makes it clear what the job is.


Perfectly paced.


Quoted from Stampp
So up to that point its a mystery to the reader and the tramps.


So by this logic this makes the story a mystery?



Quoted from Stampp
Your exposition ends three quarters in on page 4. Think about that.


I'm pretty sure it ends on page 6, James.



Quoted from Stampp
Where is the thriller part in this? Last two pages? Poor exposition.


Do you mean 'poor exposition' because it gets pushed to one side by the thriller aspect? Like you feel sorry for it?



Quoted from Stampp
What isn't exposition?


You really do struggle.



Quoted from Stampp
Apparently you don't know who the Prince of Zamunda is


Yes I do... I just didn't take it so literally. So what you meant is that you'd take an interest if you saw Eddie Murphy talking to two tramps. Fine, I know you have an aversion to names when a descriptive noun can serve just as well.



Quoted from Stampp
You know what I meant, Dustin. Why did you give them proper names? They don't need it. Not only is more detailed and clear, it avoids confusion


Their names are not important but it helps ease the read if they're given them. I'm not too bothered by it. If the director wishes to add their names in dialogue, I won't complain. I'm happy either way. Most viewers will forget the character names anyway, so they're wasted lines and could seem forced. Viewers can remember the characters however they want to... but for readers, they (generally speaking) prefer names and it's also better when casting to have actual character names.



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Max
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from J.S.


No, I don't know it by a certain word. I was referring to the noun which is chiefly British. Third time I've had to say this.


Yeah.

The noun means "a building occupied by people living in it without the legal right to do so"

You've heard of that, right? So what "noun" do you use to describe a building that has been illegally occupied by people?

What noun do you use? That's what I'm asking.
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Forgive
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
So you're not prepared to explain your comments?


Well... okay, but to be honest I felt you were being disingenuous, so I just figured move on. I don't actually post stuff to start arguments, and IMO the tone of your feedback felt like something that I didn't want to engage with.

There is always opinion in regard to the work we do, and that goes from the script to the finished product as you are aware. So, my explanation - Gianni, dressed dapper, stylishly, pointing to a 'clean spot' would only have done so because he was mindful of his attire. Using 'Unmindful' felt that it went against the nature of the character - if he was so casual about it, then I feel he probably wouldn't have even looked for a 'clean spot' in the first place.

It is a criticism of your work, but only where I think there is a contradiction, and it is valid.

I'm not going to debate this with you ad infinitum, but I will try and make myself clear with points that I have. If I'm wrong, I'll accept that.

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J.S.
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin

In a squat of this description (rats scurrying, rubbish everywhere, no electricity) it really doesn't matter which room it is because they are just rooms full of shit. Maybe the bathroom would be worth remarking upon, but aside from that, it could be any room as they would all look the same. It's a squat. If I were to write LIVING ROOM, then this could actually cause the reader to imagine a type of living room. I don't want that. I just want people to imagine a rat, scurrying, rubbish-filled squat cohabited by two drug abusers. Which most can.


It could be a mansion, as Max pointed out. It could be an airport. It could be a casino. It could be a bathroom. It could be a mall. It could be in the elevator. It could be on the ceiling. It could be in a cellar. It could be at the bottom of an empty swimming pool. It could be ..............

I don't understand why I have to hold your hand to get you to understand you're being extremely ambiguous. I can't make this any more clear for you. You'll have to make a little bit of an effort to understand. Despite how hard you hate to admit I'm right.


Quoted from Dustin

I'm not sure this actually warrants an answer. It's bordering on complete idiocy.


Setting = Ambiguous. Characters = Unambiguous. There's your answer.


Quoted from Dustin

So by this logic this makes the story a mystery?


I originally asked you, "Are you sure the genre of this is not a mystery?" I wasn't claiming the entire story was a mystery. The more important question here is, where's the thriller part in this? Last two pages?


Quoted from Dustin

I'm pretty sure it ends on page 6, James.


Your exposition ends on page 6??? Mind = blown. Is this Dustin or some tramp typing up these responses?


Quoted from Dustin

Their names are not important but it helps ease the read if they're given them.


Yes. Ease the read alright. Might I suggest you call them Gabe, Gavin, and Gamal? That will really ease the read.

You don't even want to cede a single point I made because you know I'm right but it angers you. That's why you resort to insults. Deep down in your heart you know how right I am and it burns your insides.

Anyway, I've overstayed my welcome. I've clarified myself enough for you. I can't help you more than this.

-J.S.
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J.S.
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max


Yeah.

The noun means "a building occupied by people living in it without the legal right to do so"

You've heard of that, right? So what "noun" do you use to describe a building that has been illegally occupied by people?

What noun do you use? That's what I'm asking.


I thought I just told you I don't use a noun.
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Max
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from J.S.


I thought I just told you I don't use a noun.


Really? That's a little weird.

I dunno, don't ask me! lol!
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Dustin
Posted: July 20th, 2015, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from J.S.


It could be a mansion, as Max pointed out. It could be an airport. It could be a casino. It could be a bathroom. It could be a mall. It could be in the elevator. It could be on the ceiling. It could be in a cellar. It could be at the bottom of an empty swimming pool. It could be ..............


Everybody knows what a squat is in my country. It goes without saying here. It could well be a mansion, or a semi, or a detached. It doesn't matter, so long as the producer can find a single room, fill it with rubbish and maybe have a couple of rats scurrying around. One needs a certain amount of common sense and a tiny bit of an imagination.


Quoted from Stampp
I don't understand why I have to hold your hand to get you to understand you're being extremely ambiguous. I can't make this any more clear for you. You'll have to make a little bit of an effort to understand. Despite how hard you hate to admit I'm right.


But you're wrong. I don't need to do anything as I'm about to sign an option for this script today.


Quoted from Stampp
Setting = Ambiguous.


It's only ambiguous to you because you don't understand what a squat is.



Quoted from Stampp
I originally asked you, "Are you sure the genre of this is not a mystery?" I wasn't claiming the entire story was a mystery. The more important question here is, where's the thriller part in this? Last two pages?


It's not anywhere near an important question. What you mean is, the less stupid question. To be honest, I struggled with either calling this a thriller or a drama... you know what my conclusion was? That it doesn't really matter. What may seem like an important question to you is actually inconsequential to me.



Quoted from Stampp

Your exposition ends on page 6??? Mind = blown. Is this Dustin or some tramp typing up these responses?


Mine starts on page one and ends on page 6. I don't see why your mind is blown by this James... well, actually I do, it is a very fragile thing.


Quoted from Stampp


Yes. Ease the read alright. Might I suggest you call them Gabe, Gavin, and Gamal? That will really ease the read.


That's why you're not a writer. Show me a single piece of your work. I'd love to see it.


Quoted from Stampp
You don't even want to cede a single point I made because you know I'm right but it angers you. That's why you resort to insults. Deep down in your heart you know how right I am and it burns your insides.


LOL. Yeah, my insides are really burning after writing something, gaining lots of praise for it and then optioning it to a very worthwhile producer. Not a student or amateur, but a professional filmmaker.

The reason I don't like you James, is because you're a dick... but you already know that. I also don't like you because I never see any of your work. You're full of opinion on what seems to be just my script. You come back and reply only on my script. This makes me suspicious that you're another member using an alter ego. My suspicions are heightened after a Google search of your name comes back fruitless.


Quoted from Stampp
Anyway, I've overstayed my welcome.


It does take some a while to get the hint.


Quoted from Stampp

I've clarified myself enough for you.


You've repeated yourself over and over again.


Quoted from Stampp
I can't help you more than this.


In what way do you believe you have helped me?


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Dustin
Posted: July 20th, 2015, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive


Well... okay, but to be honest I felt you were being disingenuous, so I just figured move on. I don't actually post stuff to start arguments, and IMO the tone of your feedback felt like something that I didn't want to engage with.


If you're going to point out obvious style choices and call them wrong, I will get slightly annoyed, yes. Your opinion on what makes a whole action line or wryly doesn't bother me in the slightest... unless you're going to shove it down my throat.


Quoted from SiColl
There is always opinion in regard to the work we do, and that goes from the script to the finished product as you are aware. So, my explanation - Gianni, dressed dapper, stylishly, pointing to a 'clean spot' would only have done so because he was mindful of his attire. Using 'Unmindful' felt that it went against the nature of the character - if he was so casual about it, then I feel he probably wouldn't have even looked for a 'clean spot' in the first place.


It specifically says that he's unmindful of the dry cleaning bill. Here's the line again:

Code

Unmindful of the dry cleaning bill, Gianni takes a seat.



It does not say that he's unmindful of his attire. He looks for a clean spot, but even that contains some dust that will take a dry cleaning bill to sort out. I don't like having to explain simple things. To me that is perfectly clear. You go from telling me my style choices are wrong and that I should write your way to what seems like a deliberate misinterpretation of something that is very clearly written.

Yeah, things like that mount up and I start to think you're just taking the piss.


Quoted from SiColl

It is a criticism of your work, but only where I think there is a contradiction, and it is valid.


It's the validity thing that's causing the issue.


Quoted from SiColl
If I'm wrong, I'll accept that.


Really? You normally just run away for a few months.

Do not critique my style choices. Well you can, but be prepared for me to bite back. I'm not an amateur. I don't need your beginner guides. Yes, I was offended as was your intention. You're too smart to be innocent.


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Forgive
Posted: July 20th, 2015, 5:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Really? You normally just run away for a few months.


You noticed. You missed me. I'm touched.


Quoted from Dustin
Do not critique my style choices. Well you can, but be prepared for me to bite back.


Dustin, firstly make your mind up; and secondly, if posted in a public forum, I'll critique whomsoever I wish. And do you really want to frame your minor tantrum as you 'biting back'. Dummy back in please

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Dustin
Posted: July 20th, 2015, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive


You noticed. You missed me. I'm touched.


Glass is always half full, eh. Good attitude to have.


Quoted from SiColl

Dustin, firstly make your mind up; and secondly, if posted in a public forum, I'll critique whomsoever I wish. And do you really want to frame your minor tantrum as you 'biting back'. Dummy back in please



Whomsoever? We're talking about style choices, not a person. I asked you not to critique my style choices. What makes you think you're qualified to tell me how I should write?

I can only conclude, from your response, that you're being deliberately patronising. That's cool. I just like to know where I stand. Sometimes it's difficult to tell whether a person is genuine or not.



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Busy Little Bee
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Hey, Dustin

The premise, for whatever reason, reminded me of the Godfather, "An offer he can't refuse." Basically, do it or I'll kill you. Here, however, it's the person who can't refuse the offer, which is kind of funny in a dark comedy sort of way.

Anyway, nice read. I like how the story funneled to its conclusion, Gianni's list of most hated.

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Dustin
Posted: July 22nd, 2015, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Busy Little Bee
Hey, Dustin

The premise, for whatever reason, reminded me of the Godfather, "An offer he can't refuse." Basically, do it or I'll kill you. Here, however, it's the person who can't refuse the offer, which is kind of funny in a dark comedy sort of way.

Anyway, nice read. I like how the story funneled to its conclusion, Gianni's list of most hated.

BLB



I don't know what it is, but I often find the comedy in the darkest of situations. They do say that comedy is just drama taken too far, so perhaps the extreme situations I create call for their own comedy moments.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts, mate. I owe you a few reads I think, if you ever need eyes on something just let me know. Even through email.


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Colkurtz8
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Dustin

“Gavin sits back, disappointed, this doesn’t sound like it’s
going to be easy.”

- Sh?t, so this guy would rather put out!

GIANNI
The second worst kinda people in
the world are people that refuse to
pay, make me get a court order and
then, then refuse to leave. Know
what happens then?

- One too many "then" here?
“Steve nods, they look easy enough.”

- You just know this is too good to be true. The fee is exorbitant and the targets are vulnerable. It all screams “there’s a catch/it’s a set up”! Reading on...

STEVE
(considers)
Yeah, I s’pose we can. Let’s scare
the shit out of them first though.

- Ha, only junkie logic would think it better to alert the residents of their presence before robbing them rather than the other way around.

STEVE
You bastard.

Gianni grins.

GAVIN
Are we still getting paid?

Gianni and Steve glare incredulously at Gavin.

GIANNI
Do you understand the thousands of
pounds worth of damage you animals
have caused? My client and his wife
almost separated a few times due to
the heartache.

STEVE
It was already like that when we
got there.

- I would consider omitting all of this. Once Gianni says:

GIANNI
The penny drops. Clients pay me to
get rid of unwanted guests.

We know what's going down...From there, I would have him tell Gavin and Steve his number one most hated thing before shooting them. I feel it has more impact if the scene is abrupt like that rather than including those extra explanatory lines.

Yes, Gavin and Steve need it to be spelled out for them but Gianni wouldn’t be bothered enough to ensure they fully understand, nor will the audience I reckon.

Also Gavin's "Are we still getting paid" line is just pushing the cluelessness factor a little too much, in my opinion. Gianna has a gun pointed at them and tied them to beams in a basement so it’s pretty clear to all involved their deal no longer stands.

Anyway, that aside it’s an effective twist at the end. Like most, I figured something was coming but didn't anticipate this (which thinking back I really should have) so good job there.

Col.


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Dustin
Posted: July 26th, 2015, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Dustin

“Gavin sits back, disappointed, this doesn’t sound like it’s
going to be easy.”

- Sh?t, so this guy would rather put out!


That was why I wrote that, yes.


Quoted from Col
GIANNI
The second worst kinda people in
the world are people that refuse to
pay, make me get a court order and
then, then refuse to leave. Know
what happens then?

- One too many "then" here?


I don't think so... but if the actor struggles with it, it's an easy thing to change up.


Quoted from Col
“Steve nods, they look easy enough.”

- You just know this is too good to be true. The fee is exorbitant and the targets are vulnerable. It all screams “there’s a catch/it’s a set up”! Reading on...


of course it is, yes. Shame the drug addicts haven't read the same stories we have.


Quoted from Col

STEVE
(considers)
Yeah, I s’pose we can. Let’s scare
the shit out of them first though.

- Ha, only junkie logic would think it better to alert the residents of their presence before robbing them rather than the other way around.


They're not the brightest sparks.


Quoted from Col
STEVE
You bastard.

Gianni grins.

GAVIN
Are we still getting paid?

Gianni and Steve glare incredulously at Gavin.

GIANNI
Do you understand the thousands of
pounds worth of damage you animals
have caused? My client and his wife
almost separated a few times due to
the heartache.

STEVE
It was already like that when we
got there.

- I would consider omitting all of this. Once Gianni says:

GIANNI
The penny drops. Clients pay me to
get rid of unwanted guests.


I disagree on cutting all of it. It could certainly be cut down though.


Quoted from Col
We know what's going down...From there, I would have him tell Gavin and Steve his number one most hated thing before shooting them. I feel it has more impact if the scene is abrupt like that rather than including those extra explanatory lines.


I disagree on the impact... but we'll see how this turns out when filmed.


Quoted from Col

Also Gavin's "Are we still getting paid" line is just pushing the cluelessness factor a little too much, in my opinion. Gianna has a gun pointed at them and tied them to beams in a basement so it’s pretty clear to all involved their deal no longer stands.


It's not pretty clear to Gavin.


Quoted from Col
Anyway, that aside it’s an effective twist at the end. Like most, I figured something was coming but didn't anticipate this (which thinking back I really should have) so good job there.


Cheers mate. Hopefully this one will be filmed (currently on 3 month option) and we will see if the director feels the same way as you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


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Wesley
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I really enjoyed this one!  I love how very consice your action and descriptions are.  Definitely something I could learn from!  You use just enough words to paint that picture.  
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Dustin
Posted: August 17th, 2015, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Wesley
I really enjoyed this one!  I love how very consice your action and descriptions are.  Definitely something I could learn from!  You use just enough words to paint that picture.  


Thank you very much. Stick around the site. Lot of great writing styles on show here from the regular members.


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Dustin
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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This one has been filmed. The Brits may recognise one or two faces in this.


EVICTED - Short Film from Lee Howard on Vimeo.



https://vimeo.com/172288364


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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Looks great mate, you're on a roll!

Are they planning on submitting it to fests?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dustin
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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I just got off the phone with one of the directors and it seems that the plan is more to produce a few short films and then go for funding on a feature. I suppose though that a few festivals will be on the list once the team behind this film have had that discussion. I'm meeting up with them in a couple of weeks, getting some complimentary tickets to Chaplain as well.

Not sure that I'm supposed to share this film yet, as they gave me a password and I know there's another edit to go as there are a couple of areas they're not completely happy with. One of them being continuity in a cut to. A couple of other things that I can't remember now - probably because I didn't notice them myself. I don't think they know about this site though, so it should be OK. They may realise the error soon and set it to private.

Cheers mate.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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You need to persuade them that you're the man for the job on that feature then!

I only spotted one continuity slip, when one of them sits up at the mention of £500, when it changes angle he's slumped baclk again... Hardly a major issue.

Good luck with this (wherever it goes) and future work with them.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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CONGRATULAIONS!!! That was great!  

I noticed the directors were different than who first was going to make it?


.
SS, is still free...
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Dustin
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
You need to persuade them that you're the man for the job on that feature then!

I only spotted one continuity slip, when one of them sits up at the mention of £500, when it changes angle he's slumped baclk again... Hardly a major issue.

Good luck with this (wherever it goes) and future work with them.



That's the slip. I've sent them a couple of other things I have, so we'll see how those go down. Cheers mate.



Quoted from Grandma Bear
CONGRATULAIONS!!! That was great!  

I noticed the directors were different than who first was going to make it?


Thanks, Pia. The original option ran out, so I shopped it around myself and found a new home for it. It was only a couple of months ago that I found them, so the turnaround has been a lot faster than it may seem.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin

It was only a couple of months ago that I found them, so the turnaround has been a lot faster than it may seem.

That's what's so amazing about this business. Some people can put together a decent short in just a month or less sometimes, while others take years. (me included). The outcome was good on this one, so that's especially good. Fast and good. Hard to pull off.


.
SS, is still free...
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Another one! Every five seconds you're getting something filmed. And people keep getting tied up and shot in the them. Loved the dialogue for the druggies. And pretty much everything else too. Congrats.


That rug really tied the room together.
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eldave1
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Well done!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SteveClark
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Good job Dustin! I remember reading this but couldn't find my comments. Huh? Anyway, it was fun re-reading your battle with JS. That I definitely remember.  Congrats again.


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Warren
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on another one.


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Dustin
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys, appreciated.

Steve, I'm pretty sure JS is just a troll account.


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