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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Two Psychos - filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Two Psychos - filmed  (currently 7614 views)
Grandma Bear
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Owe you a read, although this is shorter than the 7WC.

I'm halfway through. Should be finished later today or tomorrow.  


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
I have to say I'm not sure how Thor above found this funny. Each to their own!

It's a little humorous, isn't it?  


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
It reads quick and is simple to follow. Dialogue flows but it could do with a bit more to tease out his circumstances.

Suggestion? I was concerned about page length and tried to keep it as short as I could.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
I like the idea of two killers meeting and sharing stories. The fact that she doesn't do anything and films is rather suggestive she's not going to take part. May be an old knife could have blood. Needs a wipe. We then are a little more believing. The filming could go as well as it doesn't serve much, and whilst the script is not reality, as Libby points out this is just evidence she was there. So why?

I saw a comic thing on FB the other day. It was the Titanic sinking and in the water were all these people and they all were taking pics or filming with their phones instead of trying to survive. So, I think that works. We're all taking pics or filming everything nowadays.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
How about she practiced on one before to fine tune what she needed to do, but since he can do it for her, it's not required.

I figured as a crime writer, she's well rehearsed in the subject matter.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
The foot at the back of the truck description is a horrible thought.

Again, most likely something she has come across while researching for her own stories...*cough*


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
I suppose with this one question is, can you bring anything to the table that feels new. Lots of killing and serial killer scripts. Difficult but worth asking.

This story came to me as is. I don't know overused this idea is.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Oh, one thought, she could have some wounds. She says there from a killing, actually from the husband .

I'm pretty sure she said she's there for a killing she has planned.

Thanks for reading Bill and hope your injury will be healed and long forgotten soon.

Pia  


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia

Quick comments

Comedy - I can see the  'dark humor' and this could be played on more, eg her correcting his technique over gutting him for example, but like Libby, it wasn't laugh my socks off stuff. I suppose that's what blood and guts means to me !?,

Foot - behind the car - I meant that as a compliment. Seems a gruesome picture

Serial killer concept - I'm sure there is legs in this, they seem popular,  it just seems there is a lot around. If you go back to your mime script that stood out as way different to others. I'm just floating the idea that this could benefit from an angle. Who knows, they play cards for the next kill, she rigs it.

Hope it gets picked up.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ghostwriters


Its been a while since I've read a short that caught my eye.  A dark, twisted tale you've spun.   The bits about serial killers, disorganized lust killers are spot on... I researched the topic thoroughly for my script Reap & Sow...  lends credibility to the story.  That's a plus.  

And you probably won't let me read it!  

I'm happy it caught your eye though. I hope it wasn't the font on the cover page.  


Quoted from _ghostwriters
Good dialogue.  This line made me laugh out loud.

C’mon, better talk while we drive than airing our soiled laundry out here.

Thank you! People used to tell me my dialogue was bad, so that is good to hear.


Quoted from _ghostwriters
It unfolded rather nicely, but in the end... the script just has to work, and this one does - JMHO.

I hope you didn't mean it doesn't.

As always Ghost, you reading means a lot and I will always be available for a read.

Thank you!  

Pia  


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
I wasn't quite sure how Thorsten found it laugh out loud quite so much either, but there is definitely a black humour to this probably due to Wolf's naiveté and the irony of that too, given Foxy is not a killer at all but just using him to have him kill for her, and she wants to perhaps get inside the mind of a killer - and she can get the insurance payoff.

My understanding was that Foxy is stringing him along and everything that comes out of her mouth is just a story she made up, including the very gory but effective 'foot long piece of spine' - (great description that sticks with you btw, meant to mention that) she's a crime writer so she's fabricated an entire history as a killer.

Hmm, and she has an abusive husband, I suppose...


You are spot on Libby, except for the abusive husband part. She's a psychopath. She made that up too. Her husband is a decent guy. She just wants the money. She feels no remorse whatsoever.

Btw, the part of the spine thingy actually came from real experience and something I read...  




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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
Nice job with this one,

I knew one of these clowns was manipulating the other,  just not sure which and why. I would have a more verbal challenge about entering the back of the van just for believability. I would think the equipment of a killer wouldn't be left out open in a van but no biggie. Have her knock over a box with all that shit in it or something.

Appreciate the read Tony!

As far as the stuff in the van goes, it's in a cargo van. They typically don't have windows for the cargo space. Also, the items themselves are not illegal or anything. Mostly regular household items. A cop who's alert might get suspicious though if s/he had a peek inside.


Quoted from TonyDionisio
One thing that kinda confused me was your highlighted  instruction about all carnage happening to Harry off screen. Then you show a series of shots implying that Harry is the recipient to... I had to think about if this was actually happening to harry or someone else.  Is the instruction even needed when you specifically describe the shots?  Just wondering about  the technical angle to that.

To be honest, I debated how to do this. This was the best I could come up with. I'm open to suggestions to make it easier to understand though. My intention was not to show what's happening to Harry, just have some sound and visuals that suggest. I think if we had seen what was going on, it would've changed the whole tone and rating of the script.


Quoted from TonyDionisio
The reveal did get an audible laugh out of me.

Gj.

Tony


Thank you!

As always, when writing something with a twist, the key is to not give to much away so people know the ending, but at the same time, you need to set it up so it doesn't come out of left field. It's a thin line sometimes.

Pia  


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Equinox
Posted: August 15th, 2015, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear

To be honest, I debated how to do this. This was the best I could come up with. I'm open to suggestions to make it easier to understand though. My intention was not to show what's happening to Harry, just have some sound and visuals that suggest. I think if we had seen what was going on, it would've changed the whole tone and rating of the script.


It's perfect the way you did it. I agree that if we saw what was going on with Harry, you'd take away the reason to laugh there. As it is, it feels like a satirically dumbed down version of cruelty and as mentioned before, I get a very clear image of Wolfman's excitement whenever he shows a new tool to Foxy with a questioning look in his eyes. Imagine him with wide open eyes, questioning her. Maybe have his tongue stick out to the corner of his mouth after Foxy approvingly nods and he is eager to go back to 'work'.


Quoted from Angry Bear

As always, when writing something with a twist, the key is to not give to much away so people know the ending, but at the same time, you need to set it up so it doesn't come out of left field. It's a thin line sometimes.


Well, the twist here is the only 'weak' part of this script, because it is quite easy to predict. I knew from the start, that Foxy is not a real killer and when she talks about the man they are going to kill tonight, I knew what to expect. But that doesn't matter much, those ultimately funny scenes outweigh the weak twist by far in my opinion.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 15th, 2015, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Thorsten,

As written,  I really wasn't sure about the van driver or Foxy being the killer, or if either one actually  did any killing at all! In the end,  if the van driver spilled his guts that he never killed before,  that would've worked as well.
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eldave1
Posted: August 15th, 2015, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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A well written, quick paced script.

I really do not like the genre - but I like the way you write so I know I'm always going to get a payoff. Nice job.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 15th, 2015, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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OMG I loved this. Really good writing. Great dialogue. Great characters. Love it Pia!
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Dustin
Posted: August 15th, 2015, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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I like this. Good writing. You give the twist away completely on page 10 when she films him.

He could always just kill her at the end when she comes off all smart. Unless... she has a gun and shoots him. That would also stop him from talking. Simply shoot him, then do the explaining through a panicked phone call to the police while he lies there dying. "Someone's just tried to kill my husband, and I shot him, he's dying, quick, come quick! Oh my God, he's getting up." Bang, bang, bang, bang.

That gives away the exposition while keeping things dynamic. Just a suggestion. Nice work, mate.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 15th, 2015, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

Got to read this one.

As always I liked it. However, I find it strange in how easily he gets manipulated. In addition, when she goes to put something in the van, how he allows her? I'll chalk it up to the character you created, but just wanted to point it out.

Nevertheless, good job.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 15th, 2015, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
I like this. Good writing. You give the twist away completely on page 10 when she films him.

He could always just kill her at the end when she comes off all smart. Unless... she has a gun and shoots him. That would also stop him from talking. Simply shoot him, then do the explaining through a panicked phone call to the police while he lies there dying. "Someone's just tried to kill my husband, and I shot him, he's dying, quick, come quick! Oh my God, he's getting up." Bang, bang, bang, bang.

That gives away the exposition while keeping things dynamic. Just a suggestion. Nice work, mate.



I like the idea of him killing her...then revealling she is number twenty or something


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 15th, 2015, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Foot - behind the car - I meant that as a compliment. Seems a gruesome picture

It was a foot long piece of his spine. Even more gruesome. Sadly, I got that from a real event mixed with something I read.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Serial killer concept - I'm sure there is legs in this, they seem popular,  it just seems there is a lot around. If you go back to your mime script that stood out as way different to others. I'm just floating the idea that this could benefit from an angle. Who knows, they play cards for the next kill, she rigs it.

I don't think two serial killers, one pupil and his mentor have been done to death, has it? Either way, sometimes stories just come to you and demand to be written, right then and there. Which is what happened here.

PS: I love the Mime Puppet thing and might write that into a feature one day.  


Quoted from eldave1
A well written, quick paced script.

I really do not like the genre - but I like the way you write so I know I'm always going to get a payoff. Nice job.


Thanks for giving it a read and don't worry about not liking the genre. Some people love the genre. Some hate it. Even among those who love it, people like different horrors. Personally, I like SAW, Hostel and Descent types and absolutely hate films with ghosts and crap like The Conjuring and The Babadook. Not to mention the  complete snore fest of Paranormal Activity. Genres I dislike the most are rom-coms. I cry when someone asks me to read one.

I appreciate the compliment though and thanks again.  


Quoted from Pale Yellow
OMG I loved this. Really good writing. Great dialogue. Great characters. Love it Pia!


You and me, Dena!!!!! Some day!!!!  


Quoted from Dustin
I like this. Good writing. You give the twist away completely on page 10 when she films him.

Ok. Easy fix.


Quoted from Dustin
He could always just kill her at the end when she comes off all smart. Unless... she has a gun and shoots him. That would also stop him from talking. Simply shoot him, then do the explaining through a panicked phone call to the police while he lies there dying. "Someone's just tried to kill my husband, and I shot him, he's dying, quick, come quick! Oh my God, he's getting up." Bang, bang, bang, bang.

That gives away the exposition while keeping things dynamic. Just a suggestion. Nice work, mate.

I thought of giving her a gun, so she would be safe from him, but decided to make her so much smarter and confident than him that the thought of killing her never occurs to him. He admires her confidence and experience. Wants to learn from her. She knows this and plays him like a plastic violin. Maybe it didn't come across that way in the script, but that's how it seemed in my head.

Thanks for reading Dustin!  


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

As always I liked it. However, I find it strange in how easily he gets manipulated. In addition, when she goes to put something in the van, how he allows her? I'll chalk it up to the character you created, but just wanted to point it out.

Nevertheless, good job.

Gabe

Long time no see Gabe! Where have you been?

Appreciate you reading. You know you can always send me any of your work!

As far as this script goes, I need to make it cleat that the disorganized lust killers also tend to have a low IQ. I think Dahmer's IQ was only like 70 or something. Maybe that would help make that more believable how easily he's manipulated. Her IQ is supposed to be high. Also, as mentioned earlier about letting her open the rear doors to the van. Nothing in there is incriminating itself. It would take a trained eye to put all the items together into something sinister.

Thanks Gabe.  








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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 2:34am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Code

I thought of giving her a gun, so she would be safe from him, but decided to make her so much smarter and confident than him that the thought of killing her never occurs to him. He admires her confidence and experience. Wants to learn from her. She knows this and plays him like a plastic violin. Maybe it didn't come across that way in the script, but that's how it seemed in my head.



No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't change anything in this regard -  it works like this when reading and would certainly work if filmed. And don't write to fool people (especially a Dustin type) because most don't analyze every word (sorry,  buddy)
If you're gonna write a strong woman into your work, the best and believable kind is a manipulator- yes, this is how a woman works her power advantage over a man! You may not like it,  but it's the truth.
She worked him this way from scene 1till the end. Good job.  
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Dustin
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear

I thought of giving her a gun, so she would be safe from him, but decided to make her so much smarter and confident than him that the thought of killing her never occurs to him. He admires her confidence and experience. Wants to learn from her. She knows this and plays him like a plastic violin. Maybe it didn't come across that way in the script, but that's how it seemed in my head.


Yeah, that works all the way through just fine... but at the end, once he realises he's been played, he would get mad. No matter how much he likes her. She's just stitched him up to go to the chair, or life in jail... whatever. Any fondness he had for her would evaporate.


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