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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Two Psychos - filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Two Psychos - filmed  (currently 7804 views)
Dustin
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 3:31am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from TonyDionisio


No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't change anything in this regard -  it works like this when reading and would certainly work if filmed. And don't write to fool people (especially a Dustin type) because most don't analyze every word (sorry,  buddy)


You must be confused regarding my response. Probably my fault, I often don't write my posts clearly enough. I do actually analyse every word... but only if the writing is good, as in this case here. If the writing is bad, or even good, but gets expositional, I tend to zone out. Same when I'm watching something. I'll often groan at poorly executed exposition.

If the writing is bad then I will skim read. I find it really difficult to absorb bad writing. Writing that lacks personality or seems childish. I find it amazing how many older writers actually have childlike 'voices' when they write.

Pia does not have that problem... and I can assure you that I have read every single word. It went by very easily for 15 pages.





Quoted from Tony

She worked him this way from scene 1till the end. Good job.  


Precisely... till the end, then just like every typical villain she came out with the whole plan at the end. This would be a groan moment for me when watching. There really isn't any need for the exposition at all. It can all be shown through action.

Once she reveals the plot he would get mad... but, she shouldn't actually reveal the plot through OTN dialogue. The dialogue should relate to the matter in hand but not be so precise.

I'll go back to my original example because it is easier than thinking up a new one.

If she simply pulls a gun on him at the end without saying anything.. he'd be like, "whut!?"

The viewer would also be the same. Only then, right at the end would the viewer realise she was playing him (especially if you cut her filming him earlier). Then she shoots him and uses the phone to call the police... "Police! I've just shot a man that was trying to kill us!" subtextually alerting the viewer to the fact that she is the guy's wife and not a serial killer, and that she played the guy right from the start... without having to spoon feed the info.

Why signpost things? Red herrings are cool... but, for me, good story telling is about keeping the viewer guessing. Also, no exposition. No bad guy revealing the entire plot at the end... at least, not so in your face.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Quoted from Dustin


Yeah, that works all the way through just fine... but at the end, once he realises he's been played, he would get mad. No matter how much he likes her. She's just stitched him up to go to the chair, or life in jail... whatever. Any fondness he had for her would evaporate.


True, but in the case of a rational, non sociopath person, would such behavior be predictable or expected. The "choices" serial killers make have fascinated for eternity. When someone is void of compassion enough to plot-kill, who is to say they have pride as well?
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Athenian
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia,

This does read like a dark comedy. The concept itself is humorous I definitely didn't expect a pure horror thing after reading the logline. Anyway, good job and I think it would be fun to watch. A couple of thoughts:

- I agree with Libby that looking for a serial killer in a truck stop and actually finding one is a bit of a stretch - even for US standards. What if Foxy just happened to see Wolfman putting his "tools" into his van? That way she could suspect he is a serial killer and then think of using him.

- It is strange that Foxy doesn't ask Wolfman if his two other victims were females as well. He tried to rape the first girl and then actually enjoyed having postmortem sex with her, so this might be his "thing". Also, since your script is sort of a horror comedy, I'd rather Wolfman wasn't into sexual homicides at all. Gore can be funny, but necrophilia against murdered women cannot.

- Dustin's suggestion regarding the ending makes sense. Here's another way to avoid exposition: Foxy lets Woolfman enjoy the bloody photos on her cell phone. As he's looking through them, he comes across one of her and her husband.  He looks at her puzzled, she smiles at him. Fade out.

Good luck with the script, I enjoyed it.

Manolis
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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Foxy seems intelligent enough to find a Serial Killer in the parking lot IMO. What guys? A girl can't be sexy and smart? Also guys ...this is a movie. Go watch any movie out there and you will find things that feel like a 'stretch' but they are there because they WORK.
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stevemiles
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Pia,

Like the idea of a crime writer using a serial killer to do her dirty work.  Entertaining dialogue -- the back and forth between them lent this a darkly comic touch.

Mixed feelings on the ending -- perhaps not one to dwell too deeply on -- the story is functional as is, just feels a bit abrupt -- like theres room for another twist in here.

Not sure what having Foxy record the murder served -- Id think the pics could serve to implicate her as much as him.  

Following the logic through it figures Wolfman would have her just as much at his mercy as she would him -- hes only deferring to her based on the assumption shes a more experienced killer than he is.  Shes also leaving the clean-up to someone she regards as having a low IQ -- if he gets caught he could pull her down with him.  If shes smart enough to manipulate him to murder, why would she leave herself somewhat vulnerable?

Anyways, functional and entertaining.  To me there could be room to throw an extra something into the mix.

Steve  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Athenian
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Pale Yellow
Foxy seems intelligent enough to find a Serial Killer in the parking lot IMO. What guys? A girl can't be sexy and smart? Also guys ...this is a movie. Go watch any movie out there and you will find things that feel like a 'stretch' but they are there because they WORK.


Dena, I know it's movie, that's why I didn't ask e.g. why Foxy didn't just hire a hitman for the job.
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Jamual
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Good stuff.

The twist at the ending is a major highlight for me.

Love the subject matter as well.

Dark fiction is the shit..
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jwent6688
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Pia,

I liked this, but it's no fave of mine from what I've read of yours. I didn't laugh at any of this, but felt I should have? Just all happens too easy and coincidental.

I think Wolfman wouldn't have gotten away with one kill in today's day and age. He's a straight fucktard. If you were going more serious, I would lessen his resume to maybe one kill or none and have Foxy somehow know her mark before she even saw him at the gas station.

On a positive note, some great dialogue exchanges between the two. I think on film you would want to draw that slower. Let's see how Foxy gets him to let his gaurd down.

I'll admit, when she said revenge killing, I thought he killed someone close to her and was exacting that revenge.

Cheers girl, I was entertained.

James


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Sandro
Posted: August 17th, 2015, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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Hello Pia,

Your script really gave me a Kalifornia meets I Saw the Devil vibe. A very smooth read.
Like the latter movie, there is indeed some reliance on coincidence in your story, but complaining about such things in high concept stories seems a bit pedantic.

Believe it or not, I do agree with Dustin and like his suggestion concerning the end. As it is, it seems quite abrupt and ripe or one more thing/twist to happen. I know that you don't agree though, so feel free to ignore this point.

My biggest issue with your script, however, is that you used, what seems like, Comic Sans as the font for your title. It's like the Justin Bieber of fonts.

All in all, good stuff.

Sandro
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 17th, 2015, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

I dont expect any read backs, never do. Im just happy to read scripts and review them when I get the chance; which isnt as often Id like.

I liked this, it reminded me of my 12 Step Killers script in tone (great minds think alike!) and the black comedy aspect was perfect during the torture scene. It was over the top but not too over the top and worked really well.

It was a tad predictable. It was obvious Foxy was setting him up from the start, it would have been nice if Wolfman was actually a bit of a genius and was setting her up somehow. Also, there was no tension, all their plans went perfectly. I think it needs something unexpected to happen which the duo have to overcome together. Like maybe the guy does a runner part way through the torture or some stranger comes by and they have to take care of this guy as well.    

But it was an easy read, enjoyable and I could see this working very well if produced.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 18th, 2015, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading everyone! If you want a return read, send me a pm. I have lost track of who wrote what and such. You also want to get to me before the 7WC features are up.

Thanks again!  


Quoted from Athenian

- I agree with Libby that looking for a serial killer in a truck stop and actually finding one is a bit of a stretch - even for US standards. What if Foxy just happened to see Wolfman putting his "tools" into his van? That way she could suspect he is a serial killer and then think of using him.

Dena suggested showing Foxy hanging out at the truck stop all day. Maybe even see a couple of potentials that turnout to be wrong. I think that would help.


Quoted from Athenian
- It is strange that Foxy doesn't ask Wolfman if his two other victims were females as well. He tried to rape the first girl and then actually enjoyed having postmortem sex with her, so this might be his "thing". Also, since your script is sort of a horror comedy, I'd rather Wolfman wasn't into sexual homicides at all. Gore can be funny, but necrophilia against murdered women cannot.

I hear you, but I studied up on this and this is pretty common for the "unorganized lust killers".


Quoted from Athenian
- Dustin's suggestion regarding the ending makes sense. Here's another way to avoid exposition: Foxy lets Woolfman enjoy the bloody photos on her cell phone. As he's looking through them, he comes across one of her and her husband.  He looks at her puzzled, she smiles at him. Fade out.

That could work!


Quoted from Athenian
Good luck with the script, I enjoyed it.
Manolis

Thanks for giving it a read!  


Quoted from stevemiles

Like the idea of a crime writer using a serial killer to do her dirty work.  Entertaining dialogue -- the back and forth between them lent this a darkly comic touch.

Mixed feelings on the ending -- perhaps not one to dwell too deeply on -- the story is functional as is, just feels a bit abrupt -- like theres room for another twist in here.

Common mistake of mine to rush the end. I just can't seem to get to type FADE OUT: fast enough.

Another twist, eh? That seems to be what's missing here. I just have to come up with one.  


Quoted from stevemiles
Not sure what having Foxy record the murder served -- Id think the pics could serve to implicate her as much as him.  

Following the logic through it figures Wolfman would have her just as much at his mercy as she would him -- hes only deferring to her based on the assumption shes a more experienced killer than he is.  Shes also leaving the clean-up to someone she regards as having a low IQ -- if he gets caught he could pull her down with him.  If shes smart enough to manipulate him to murder, why would she leave herself somewhat vulnerable?

My logic there, or lack of it, was just thinking how everyone's always taking pics or filming with their phones these days, so it seemed natural.


Quoted from stevemiles
Anyways, functional and entertaining.  To me there could be room to throw an extra something into the mix.

Steve  

That extra twist again!!!!

Thanks for reading!  


Quoted from Jamual
Good stuff.

The twist at the ending is a major highlight for me.

Love the subject matter as well.

Dark fiction is the shit..

Welcome to the boards and thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it.  



Quoted from jwent6688
I liked this, but it's no fave of mine from what I've read of yours. I didn't laugh at any of this, but felt I should have? Just all happens too easy and coincidental.
Thank you, but ouch.  


Quoted from jwent6688
I think Wolfman wouldn't have gotten away with one kill in today's day and age. He's a straight fucktard. If you were going more serious, I would lessen his resume to maybe one kill or none and have Foxy somehow know her mark before she even saw him at the gas station.

I went with three because that's how many you need under your belt so to speak, in order to be considered a serial killer.


Quoted from jwent6688
On a positive note, some great dialogue exchanges between the two. I think on film you would want to draw that slower. Let's see how Foxy gets him to let his gaurd down.
You're probably right there. In my head, he was just really stunned that she had him pegged so easy.


Quoted from jwent6688
I'll admit, when she said revenge killing, I thought he killed someone close to her and was exacting that revenge.

Cheers girl, I was entertained.

James

I'm glad you were lead astray then and it wasn't too much of a giveaway.

Thanks James!  



Quoted from Sandro

Your script really gave me a Kalifornia meets I Saw the Devil vibe. A very smooth read.
Like the latter movie, there is indeed some reliance on coincidence in your story, but complaining about such things in high concept stories seems a bit pedantic.

I haven't seen either one of those films, but I recognize Kalifornia because that's how we spell it in Sweden.

About the coincidences. A lot of things we writers complain about here when reading scripts are stuff that do happen in movies all the time. I think it's fine when they are brought up. We often read scripts with a magnifying glass and often re-read sentences to make sure we really got it, while when we watch a movie, things just tend to go by to fast for us to get hung up on stuff. Unless they are really major.


Quoted from Sandro
Believe it or not, I do agree with Dustin and like his suggestion concerning the end. As it is, it seems quite abrupt and ripe or one more thing/twist to happen. I know that you don't agree though, so feel free to ignore this point.
Seems like I really do need to come up with another twist!!!  


Quoted from Sandro
My biggest issue with your script, however, is that you used, what seems like, Comic Sans as the font for your title. It's like the Justin Bieber of fonts.

All in all, good stuff.

Sandro

Justin Bieber of fonts!!!!!!!!  

Some writers have really cool fonts for the title on the cover page. I'm too dense to have figured out how to yet, so I'm stuck with whatever FD has to offer.

Thanks for the read and becoming an active member!  



Quoted from MarkRenshaw

I liked this, it reminded me of my 12 Step Killers script in tone (great minds think alike!) and the black comedy aspect was perfect during the torture scene. It was over the top but not too over the top and worked really well.

Over the top!!!!!!!!!!!!  


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
It was a tad predictable. It was obvious Foxy was setting him up from the start, it would have been nice if Wolfman was actually a bit of a genius and was setting her up somehow. Also, there was no tension, all their plans went perfectly. I think it needs something unexpected to happen which the duo have to overcome together. Like maybe the guy does a runner part way through the torture or some stranger comes by and they have to take care of this guy as well.    

-Mark

I do like that idea very much!

So I mainly need more tension and another twist.

Thank you for reading! Much appreciated.  


.
SS, is still free...
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 19th, 2015, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. This might be your best script yet, Pia. It's a real sleeper. Better, I think, than Wolf.  And you know how I feel about Wolf.  If I was a producer I would def. option 'Psychos' ASAP. It's going to be a super short,  and if you dare, a wonderful feature.

I'm in love with Foxy.  Great character.
Almost everything in thos story works, or could work if reworked. Got that?

Can't get a review up now, but maybe later today or tomorrow.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 20th, 2015, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Gary!!!

What a treat to have you pop in!

It makes me super happy you like it! Something I wrote to try to get my mojo back. I think it worked too.  

I like Wolf, but I think it might have been for the best that it didn't get written yet. I'm finally, after many years, getting better at features. I love shorts, always have and always will, but I think it definitely hampered my feature writing. So some scripts might still happen and if they do, they are more likely to kick ass as I get better.  

Btw, I have already had two different filmmakers contact me about this one!  


.
SS, is still free...
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 20th, 2015, 10:32am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi Pia,

Nice to see a script from you.

Well written, with that darkly humorous undertone you are so good at.

Being honest, I didn't really buy any of it. From the part where he'd left the rear door unlocked so she could open it, to how quickly he opened up about being a serial killer. It felt like everything was happening so you could force the story where you wanted it, rather than it being organic.

Maybe if she followed him to a kill, and saw what he did at the start?

That would deal withl both those problems.

Rick
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Toby_E
Posted: August 20th, 2015, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

Always nice to read something new by you.

Anyhow, I really liked this one.  I am a massive fan of dark humour -- the more macabre, the better -- so it's hardly surprising that there was so much in here for me to enjoy. The dialogue between Foxy and Wolfman was a joy to read and therefore, because this was a dialogue heavy piece, the read zipped by.

My only (minor) gripes were with Foxy filming him so explicitly. Firstly, could she film the scene a bit more discreetly...? Or could Wolfman see, and get angry, and then Foxy convinces him to go ahead with the filming? And whilst I liked the final twist, I foresaw something similar coming (with Foxy getting Wolfman to do her dirty work; I didn't guess the reason though)... so I guess this could benefit from something extra?

But nonetheless, solid work.


P. 1 -- "...her names a perfect fit." Excellent. One of my favourite descriptions that I have read in a while.

Bottom p. 2 -- Why's 'body' capitalised?


Great stuff


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