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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Two Psychos - filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Two Psychos - filmed  (currently 7150 views)
Don
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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Two Psychos by P.H. Cook (Angry Bear) - Short, Horror - A newbie serial killer learns a lot from his new found master. 15 pages - pdf, format


Two Psychos from Indie Me on Vimeo.



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Grandma Bear  -  April 2nd, 2020, 7:39pm
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LC
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SPOILERS BELOW:



Well this was a nice little tale. And clever too. I do think it relies heavily on coincidence - good you put the stats in there, but even so I wondered how long she might be waiting around this truck stop before she'd actually come across a man to do the job for her.

FOXY
He’s a real asshole. A no good
cheating husband.
Mean as fuck.
Beats his wife and his dogs. Steals
from his employees and don’t pay
taxes.

I'd change 'husband' above to bastard - just cause it's at this point it did pull me up and had me wondering if he was in fact her husband.

FOXY
His wife has a million dollar life
insurance on him, so I figured I’d
be doing her a favor.

Why is this past tense? I get that it could be both by way of just a figure of speech but  'I figure I'll be doing her a favour.' would work more in the present.

Further on:

He’s my husband.
Perhaps she pointedly says: 'he was my husband'
Not essential though.

The chlorine bit and her response to him not getting it, and then he finally getting it, is a real 'eww'  class moment. Very well done.

Finally, all I'll say is after Foxy's finished with her research, she'd better get rid of those photos!

Great dialogue, fourteen pages flew by. I can see this getting picked up by a gore-loving filmmaker, pretty darned fast. Good luck with it.


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Equinox
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This is a real funny one, I haven't laughed as much as that for quite a while. Very nicely written, I must say.

The major weakness is that the story is easy to predict. I was already confused when Wolfman just easily confessed he's a serial killer to some random woman he just met for the first time. My suspicion turned out to be correct.

Other than that, the description of what is going on with Harry was fabulous. Made me laugh a lot when I imagined Wolfman showing Foxy several torturing tools with a questioning eye.. seemed like a kid under the christmas tree.

Like this one, good job.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 6:20am Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia

Owe you a read, although this is shorter than the 7WC.

I have to say I'm not sure how Thor above found this funny. Each to their own!

It reads quick and is simple to follow. Dialogue flows but it could do with a bit more to tease out his circumstances.

I like the idea of two killers meeting and sharing stories. The fact that she doesn't do anything and films is rather suggestive she's not going to take part. May be an old knife could have blood. Needs a wipe. We then are a little more believing. The filming could go as well as it doesn't serve much, and whilst the script is not reality, as Libby points out this is just evidence she was there. So why?

How about she practiced on one before to fine tune what she needed to do, but since he can do it for her, it's not required.

The foot at the back of the truck description is a horrible thought.

I suppose with this one question is, can you bring anything to the table that feels new. Lots of killing and serial killer scripts. Difficult but worth asking.

Oh, one thought, she could have some wounds. She says there from a killing, actually from the husband .

For some reason this gave me an idea of a script. Someone digs up an old phone, the charger with it. Old style that doesn't get made anymore. On this is one thing - footage of a killing.  What happens next...

Best of luck, no doubt Janet will want this one for STS

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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_ghostwriters
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Pia,

Its been a while since I've read a short that caught my eye.  A dark, twisted tale you've spun.   The bits about serial killers, disorganized lust killers are spot on... I researched the topic thoroughly for my script Reap & Sow...  lends credibility to the story.  That's a plus.  

Good dialogue.  This line made me laugh out loud.

C’mon, better talk while we drive than airing our soiled laundry out here.

It unfolded rather nicely, but in the end... the script just has to work, and this one does - JMHO.  


Thanks, I enjoyed reading this, best of luck with it...

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Equinox
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer

I have to say I'm not sure how Thor above found this funny. Each to their own!


Well, you must admit that the scenes where Wolfman is allowed to live out his fantasies on Harry while being supervized by Foxy's critical eyes is ultimately funny. I don't think the author made up this script in order to seriously tackle the topic of lust killers, it's obviously a nice little story with a dark sense of humor behind it.


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LC
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I wasn't quite sure how Thorsten found it laugh out loud quite so much either, but there is definitely a black humour to this probably due to Wolf's naiveté and the irony of that too, given Foxy is not a killer at all but just using him to have him kill for her, and she wants to perhaps get inside the mind of a killer - and she can get the insurance payoff.

My understanding was that Foxy is stringing him along and everything that comes out of her mouth is just a story she made up, including the very gory but effective 'foot long piece of spine' - (great description that sticks with you btw, meant to mention that) she's a crime writer so she's fabricated an entire history as a killer.

Hmm, and she has an abusive husband, I suppose...

Reef's comments just led to me clarifying what I thought.

That said:


Quoted from Bill
For some reason this gave me an idea of a script. Someone digs up an old phone, the charger with it. Old style that doesn't get made anymore. On this is one thing - footage of a killing.  What happens next...

Bill, I'm pretty sure I read a short not too long ago - I think it was James (Jwent) about a waitress who finds a phone with the murderer's footage of his killings - from memory she's inside a restaurant and the killer is outside - discovers she has his phone etc. I could be wrong about the author - can't remember the title of it either but it'd make a great short for STS if anyone else remembers it?? - or I can look it up. Sorry, really getting off the point now...

Looking forward to Pia weighing in on this.



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LC  -  August 14th, 2015, 7:17am
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Equinox
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Quoted from LC
I wasn't quite sure how Thorsten found it laugh out loud quite so much either, but there is definitely a black humour to this probably due to Wolf's naiveté and the irony of that too, given Foxy is not a killer at all but just using him to have him kill for her, and then she can get the insurance payoff.


Probably I've got a strange sense of humor, so don't worry. Just re-read the scenes where Wolfman digs in Foxy's bag and pulls out one tool after the next. Then he shows it to her with a questioning look, she shrugs or makes funny comments about her being creative at times. If you stll don't think this is inherently funny, then it's probably me



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LC
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Quoted from Equinox


Probably I've got a strange sense of humor, so don't worry. Just re-read the scenes where Wolfman digs in Foxy's bag and pulls out one tool after the next. Then he shows it to her with a questioning look, she shrugs or makes funny comments about her being creative at times. If you stll don't think this is inherently funny, then it's probably me


I agreed there is a darkly humorous element to this, just chuckle for me, not roll in the aisles funny exactly.  


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Equinox
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I just imagined the guy from Hangover, Zach Galifianakis, with thick glasses and messed up hairstyle playing Wolfman. I'd really pay to see this


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Hey everyone! I go to bed and when I wake up this is up and already has a lot of reads. I appreciate that, but I need to tell everyone that if you're looking for return reads, it might not happen. Besides being normal busy with life, I have some 7WC scripts to read and also five features to finish writing before the end of the year.

I will respond to the reads so far as soon as I get to work. Right now I'm waiting for tree cutters to come and take some trees down.  


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LC
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Wow, five features!

No need for a return read of anything, here.

And good luck with your tree fellas (pun there). Hope they're strapped in right. Shoulda said, tight.  



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Grandma Bear
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Thanks for reading Libby! Always well thought out helpful. Much appreciated.

I've been in a writing slump lately and started to panic since my deadlines are drawing near. I tried to kick myself into gear, but it's been tough. Then last week, my muse came back, but only for a short visit. She told me to write this, so I did. I've been back to writing a little every day since, but not like I used to. I debated with myself this past week wether I should post this one or not. I thought perhaps it would be too "sick".  I should've known better!  


Quoted from LC

Well this was a nice little tale. And clever too. I do think it relies heavily on coincidence - good you put the stats in there, but even so I wondered how long she might be waiting around this truck stop before she'd actually come across a man to do the job for her.

I saw Bill saying the same thing, so this is for both of you. Depending on which estimates you read, there are several, there is anywhere from 50 - 300 serial killers operating in the US at all times. People go missing all the time and many are never found. There are in other words serial killers everywhere. It might be a stretch to imagine this in other countries, but here? Anything is possible.


Quoted from LC

FOXY
He�s a real asshole. A no good
cheating husband.
Mean as fuck.
Beats his wife and his dogs. Steals
from his employees and don�t pay
taxes.

I'd change 'husband' above to bastard - just cause it's at this point it did pull me up and had me wondering if he was in fact her husband.

I agree and will change that later today.


Quoted from LC

FOXY
His wife has a million dollar life
insurance on him, so I figured I�d
be doing her a favor.

Why is this past tense? I get that it could be both by way of just a figure of speech but  'I figure I'll be doing her a favour.' would work more in the present.

I try to write dialogue as I hear it. Often, people speak far from correct grammar.


Quoted from LC

Further on:

He�s my husband.
Perhaps she pointedly says: 'he was my husband'
Not essential though.

I thought about this and decided he was would work better since he doesn't resemble a husband anymore.



Quoted from LC

The chlorine bit and her response to him not getting it, and then he finally getting it, is a real 'eww'  class moment. Very well done.

Finally, all I'll say is after Foxy's finished with her research, she'd better get rid of those photos!

Great dialogue, fourteen pages flew by. I can see this getting picked up by a gore-loving filmmaker, pretty darned fast. Good luck with it.

Ewww moments are great!  

Thanks for the compliments. I doubt anyone would want to film this though. That's certainly not why I wrote it. I just felt like  writing something for me that I would like. Sticking to my roots. I'm tired of writing stuff that fits low budget indie filmmakers.

Pia  




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Grandma Bear  -  April 12th, 2020, 1:06pm
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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Nice job with this one,

I knew one of these clowns was manipulating the other,  just not sure which and why. I would have a more verbal challenge about entering the back of the van just for believability. I would think the equipment of a killer wouldn't be left out open in a van but no biggie. Have her knock over a box with all that shit in it or something.

One thing that kinda confused me was your highlighted  instruction about all carnage happening to Harry off screen. Then you show a series of shots implying that Harry is the recipient to... I had to think about if this was actually happening to harry or someone else.  Is the instruction even needed when you specifically describe the shots?  Just wondering about  the technical angle to that.

The reveal did get an audible laugh out of me.

Gj.

Tony
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Equinox
This is a real funny one, I haven't laughed as much as that for quite a while. Very nicely written, I must say.

I think you said you are from Germany. I'm Swedish. Maybe that's why you thought it was funny. Often, what's funny to English speaking people isn't funny at all to me and the things that are funny to me, seldom are to Americans especially. That's why I never try to do comedy. Everyone says I suck at it. Somehow, this type of humor seems to always slip into my horrors though. Go figure.


Quoted from Equinox
The major weakness is that the story is easy to predict. I was already confused when Wolfman just easily confessed he's a serial killer to some random woman he just met for the first time. My suspicion turned out to be correct.

In my way of thinking, Foxy is much smarter than Wolfman and she's got him pegged right away. He's IQ is much lower and therefore, she has power over him right away.


Quoted from Equinox
Other than that, the description of what is going on with Harry was fabulous. Made me laugh a lot when I imagined Wolfman showing Foxy several torturing tools with a questioning eye.. seemed like a kid under the christmas tree.

Like this one, good job.

Thanks! You got it right. Wolfman is not the brightest crayon in the box, but he's eager to learn the ropes, so to speak from this woman who is his superior. That was meant to be funny. It took me a few minutes to decide if I I should show the action or not, but decided not to, because that would've taken the mood in a different direction.

Pia  


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Owe you a read, although this is shorter than the 7WC.

I'm halfway through. Should be finished later today or tomorrow.  


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
I have to say I'm not sure how Thor above found this funny. Each to their own!

It's a little humorous, isn't it?  


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
It reads quick and is simple to follow. Dialogue flows but it could do with a bit more to tease out his circumstances.

Suggestion? I was concerned about page length and tried to keep it as short as I could.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
I like the idea of two killers meeting and sharing stories. The fact that she doesn't do anything and films is rather suggestive she's not going to take part. May be an old knife could have blood. Needs a wipe. We then are a little more believing. The filming could go as well as it doesn't serve much, and whilst the script is not reality, as Libby points out this is just evidence she was there. So why?

I saw a comic thing on FB the other day. It was the Titanic sinking and in the water were all these people and they all were taking pics or filming with their phones instead of trying to survive. So, I think that works. We're all taking pics or filming everything nowadays.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
How about she practiced on one before to fine tune what she needed to do, but since he can do it for her, it's not required.

I figured as a crime writer, she's well rehearsed in the subject matter.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
The foot at the back of the truck description is a horrible thought.

Again, most likely something she has come across while researching for her own stories...*cough*


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
I suppose with this one question is, can you bring anything to the table that feels new. Lots of killing and serial killer scripts. Difficult but worth asking.

This story came to me as is. I don't know overused this idea is.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Oh, one thought, she could have some wounds. She says there from a killing, actually from the husband .

I'm pretty sure she said she's there for a killing she has planned.

Thanks for reading Bill and hope your injury will be healed and long forgotten soon.

Pia  


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Reef Dreamer
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Hi Pia

Quick comments

Comedy - I can see the  'dark humor' and this could be played on more, eg her correcting his technique over gutting him for example, but like Libby, it wasn't laugh my socks off stuff. I suppose that's what blood and guts means to me !?,

Foot - behind the car - I meant that as a compliment. Seems a gruesome picture

Serial killer concept - I'm sure there is legs in this, they seem popular,  it just seems there is a lot around. If you go back to your mime script that stood out as way different to others. I'm just floating the idea that this could benefit from an angle. Who knows, they play cards for the next kill, she rigs it.

Hope it gets picked up.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Quoted from _ghostwriters


Its been a while since I've read a short that caught my eye.  A dark, twisted tale you've spun.   The bits about serial killers, disorganized lust killers are spot on... I researched the topic thoroughly for my script Reap & Sow...  lends credibility to the story.  That's a plus.  

And you probably won't let me read it!  

I'm happy it caught your eye though. I hope it wasn't the font on the cover page.  


Quoted from _ghostwriters
Good dialogue.  This line made me laugh out loud.

C’mon, better talk while we drive than airing our soiled laundry out here.

Thank you! People used to tell me my dialogue was bad, so that is good to hear.


Quoted from _ghostwriters
It unfolded rather nicely, but in the end... the script just has to work, and this one does - JMHO.

I hope you didn't mean it doesn't.

As always Ghost, you reading means a lot and I will always be available for a read.

Thank you!  

Pia  


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from LC
I wasn't quite sure how Thorsten found it laugh out loud quite so much either, but there is definitely a black humour to this probably due to Wolf's naiveté and the irony of that too, given Foxy is not a killer at all but just using him to have him kill for her, and she wants to perhaps get inside the mind of a killer - and she can get the insurance payoff.

My understanding was that Foxy is stringing him along and everything that comes out of her mouth is just a story she made up, including the very gory but effective 'foot long piece of spine' - (great description that sticks with you btw, meant to mention that) she's a crime writer so she's fabricated an entire history as a killer.

Hmm, and she has an abusive husband, I suppose...


You are spot on Libby, except for the abusive husband part. She's a psychopath. She made that up too. Her husband is a decent guy. She just wants the money. She feels no remorse whatsoever.

Btw, the part of the spine thingy actually came from real experience and something I read...  




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Quoted from TonyDionisio
Nice job with this one,

I knew one of these clowns was manipulating the other,  just not sure which and why. I would have a more verbal challenge about entering the back of the van just for believability. I would think the equipment of a killer wouldn't be left out open in a van but no biggie. Have her knock over a box with all that shit in it or something.

Appreciate the read Tony!

As far as the stuff in the van goes, it's in a cargo van. They typically don't have windows for the cargo space. Also, the items themselves are not illegal or anything. Mostly regular household items. A cop who's alert might get suspicious though if s/he had a peek inside.


Quoted from TonyDionisio
One thing that kinda confused me was your highlighted  instruction about all carnage happening to Harry off screen. Then you show a series of shots implying that Harry is the recipient to... I had to think about if this was actually happening to harry or someone else.  Is the instruction even needed when you specifically describe the shots?  Just wondering about  the technical angle to that.

To be honest, I debated how to do this. This was the best I could come up with. I'm open to suggestions to make it easier to understand though. My intention was not to show what's happening to Harry, just have some sound and visuals that suggest. I think if we had seen what was going on, it would've changed the whole tone and rating of the script.


Quoted from TonyDionisio
The reveal did get an audible laugh out of me.

Gj.

Tony


Thank you!

As always, when writing something with a twist, the key is to not give to much away so people know the ending, but at the same time, you need to set it up so it doesn't come out of left field. It's a thin line sometimes.

Pia  


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Equinox
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Quoted from Angry Bear

To be honest, I debated how to do this. This was the best I could come up with. I'm open to suggestions to make it easier to understand though. My intention was not to show what's happening to Harry, just have some sound and visuals that suggest. I think if we had seen what was going on, it would've changed the whole tone and rating of the script.


It's perfect the way you did it. I agree that if we saw what was going on with Harry, you'd take away the reason to laugh there. As it is, it feels like a satirically dumbed down version of cruelty and as mentioned before, I get a very clear image of Wolfman's excitement whenever he shows a new tool to Foxy with a questioning look in his eyes. Imagine him with wide open eyes, questioning her. Maybe have his tongue stick out to the corner of his mouth after Foxy approvingly nods and he is eager to go back to 'work'.


Quoted from Angry Bear

As always, when writing something with a twist, the key is to not give to much away so people know the ending, but at the same time, you need to set it up so it doesn't come out of left field. It's a thin line sometimes.


Well, the twist here is the only 'weak' part of this script, because it is quite easy to predict. I knew from the start, that Foxy is not a real killer and when she talks about the man they are going to kill tonight, I knew what to expect. But that doesn't matter much, those ultimately funny scenes outweigh the weak twist by far in my opinion.


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TonyDionisio
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Thorsten,

As written,  I really wasn't sure about the van driver or Foxy being the killer, or if either one actually  did any killing at all! In the end,  if the van driver spilled his guts that he never killed before,  that would've worked as well.
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A well written, quick paced script.

I really do not like the genre - but I like the way you write so I know I'm always going to get a payoff. Nice job.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Pale Yellow
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OMG I loved this. Really good writing. Great dialogue. Great characters. Love it Pia!
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Dustin
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I like this. Good writing. You give the twist away completely on page 10 when she films him.

He could always just kill her at the end when she comes off all smart. Unless... she has a gun and shoots him. That would also stop him from talking. Simply shoot him, then do the explaining through a panicked phone call to the police while he lies there dying. "Someone's just tried to kill my husband, and I shot him, he's dying, quick, come quick! Oh my God, he's getting up." Bang, bang, bang, bang.

That gives away the exposition while keeping things dynamic. Just a suggestion. Nice work, mate.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 15th, 2015, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

Got to read this one.

As always I liked it. However, I find it strange in how easily he gets manipulated. In addition, when she goes to put something in the van, how he allows her? I'll chalk it up to the character you created, but just wanted to point it out.

Nevertheless, good job.

Gabe
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Reef Dreamer
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Quoted from Dustin
I like this. Good writing. You give the twist away completely on page 10 when she films him.

He could always just kill her at the end when she comes off all smart. Unless... she has a gun and shoots him. That would also stop him from talking. Simply shoot him, then do the explaining through a panicked phone call to the police while he lies there dying. "Someone's just tried to kill my husband, and I shot him, he's dying, quick, come quick! Oh my God, he's getting up." Bang, bang, bang, bang.

That gives away the exposition while keeping things dynamic. Just a suggestion. Nice work, mate.



I like the idea of him killing her...then revealling she is number twenty or something


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Foot - behind the car - I meant that as a compliment. Seems a gruesome picture

It was a foot long piece of his spine. Even more gruesome. Sadly, I got that from a real event mixed with something I read.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Serial killer concept - I'm sure there is legs in this, they seem popular,  it just seems there is a lot around. If you go back to your mime script that stood out as way different to others. I'm just floating the idea that this could benefit from an angle. Who knows, they play cards for the next kill, she rigs it.

I don't think two serial killers, one pupil and his mentor have been done to death, has it? Either way, sometimes stories just come to you and demand to be written, right then and there. Which is what happened here.

PS: I love the Mime Puppet thing and might write that into a feature one day.  


Quoted from eldave1
A well written, quick paced script.

I really do not like the genre - but I like the way you write so I know I'm always going to get a payoff. Nice job.


Thanks for giving it a read and don't worry about not liking the genre. Some people love the genre. Some hate it. Even among those who love it, people like different horrors. Personally, I like SAW, Hostel and Descent types and absolutely hate films with ghosts and crap like The Conjuring and The Babadook. Not to mention the  complete snore fest of Paranormal Activity. Genres I dislike the most are rom-coms. I cry when someone asks me to read one.

I appreciate the compliment though and thanks again.  


Quoted from Pale Yellow
OMG I loved this. Really good writing. Great dialogue. Great characters. Love it Pia!


You and me, Dena!!!!! Some day!!!!  


Quoted from Dustin
I like this. Good writing. You give the twist away completely on page 10 when she films him.

Ok. Easy fix.


Quoted from Dustin
He could always just kill her at the end when she comes off all smart. Unless... she has a gun and shoots him. That would also stop him from talking. Simply shoot him, then do the explaining through a panicked phone call to the police while he lies there dying. "Someone's just tried to kill my husband, and I shot him, he's dying, quick, come quick! Oh my God, he's getting up." Bang, bang, bang, bang.

That gives away the exposition while keeping things dynamic. Just a suggestion. Nice work, mate.

I thought of giving her a gun, so she would be safe from him, but decided to make her so much smarter and confident than him that the thought of killing her never occurs to him. He admires her confidence and experience. Wants to learn from her. She knows this and plays him like a plastic violin. Maybe it didn't come across that way in the script, but that's how it seemed in my head.

Thanks for reading Dustin!  


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

As always I liked it. However, I find it strange in how easily he gets manipulated. In addition, when she goes to put something in the van, how he allows her? I'll chalk it up to the character you created, but just wanted to point it out.

Nevertheless, good job.

Gabe

Long time no see Gabe! Where have you been?

Appreciate you reading. You know you can always send me any of your work!

As far as this script goes, I need to make it cleat that the disorganized lust killers also tend to have a low IQ. I think Dahmer's IQ was only like 70 or something. Maybe that would help make that more believable how easily he's manipulated. Her IQ is supposed to be high. Also, as mentioned earlier about letting her open the rear doors to the van. Nothing in there is incriminating itself. It would take a trained eye to put all the items together into something sinister.

Thanks Gabe.  








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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 2:34am Report to Moderator
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Code

I thought of giving her a gun, so she would be safe from him, but decided to make her so much smarter and confident than him that the thought of killing her never occurs to him. He admires her confidence and experience. Wants to learn from her. She knows this and plays him like a plastic violin. Maybe it didn't come across that way in the script, but that's how it seemed in my head.



No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't change anything in this regard -  it works like this when reading and would certainly work if filmed. And don't write to fool people (especially a Dustin type) because most don't analyze every word (sorry,  buddy)
If you're gonna write a strong woman into your work, the best and believable kind is a manipulator- yes, this is how a woman works her power advantage over a man! You may not like it,  but it's the truth.
She worked him this way from scene 1till the end. Good job.  
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Dustin
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear

I thought of giving her a gun, so she would be safe from him, but decided to make her so much smarter and confident than him that the thought of killing her never occurs to him. He admires her confidence and experience. Wants to learn from her. She knows this and plays him like a plastic violin. Maybe it didn't come across that way in the script, but that's how it seemed in my head.


Yeah, that works all the way through just fine... but at the end, once he realises he's been played, he would get mad. No matter how much he likes her. She's just stitched him up to go to the chair, or life in jail... whatever. Any fondness he had for her would evaporate.


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Dustin
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 4:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio


No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't change anything in this regard -  it works like this when reading and would certainly work if filmed. And don't write to fool people (especially a Dustin type) because most don't analyze every word (sorry,  buddy)


You must be confused regarding my response. Probably my fault, I often don't write my posts clearly enough. I do actually analyse every word... but only if the writing is good, as in this case here. If the writing is bad, or even good, but gets expositional, I tend to zone out. Same when I'm watching something. I'll often groan at poorly executed exposition.

If the writing is bad then I will skim read. I find it really difficult to absorb bad writing. Writing that lacks personality or seems childish. I find it amazing how many older writers actually have childlike 'voices' when they write.

Pia does not have that problem... and I can assure you that I have read every single word. It went by very easily for 15 pages.





Quoted from Tony

She worked him this way from scene 1till the end. Good job.  


Precisely... till the end, then just like every typical villain she came out with the whole plan at the end. This would be a groan moment for me when watching. There really isn't any need for the exposition at all. It can all be shown through action.

Once she reveals the plot he would get mad... but, she shouldn't actually reveal the plot through OTN dialogue. The dialogue should relate to the matter in hand but not be so precise.

I'll go back to my original example because it is easier than thinking up a new one.

If she simply pulls a gun on him at the end without saying anything.. he'd be like, "whut!?"

The viewer would also be the same. Only then, right at the end would the viewer realise she was playing him (especially if you cut her filming him earlier). Then she shoots him and uses the phone to call the police... "Police! I've just shot a man that was trying to kill us!" subtextually alerting the viewer to the fact that she is the guy's wife and not a serial killer, and that she played the guy right from the start... without having to spoon feed the info.

Why signpost things? Red herrings are cool... but, for me, good story telling is about keeping the viewer guessing. Also, no exposition. No bad guy revealing the entire plot at the end... at least, not so in your face.


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TonyDionisio
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Quoted from Dustin


Yeah, that works all the way through just fine... but at the end, once he realises he's been played, he would get mad. No matter how much he likes her. She's just stitched him up to go to the chair, or life in jail... whatever. Any fondness he had for her would evaporate.


True, but in the case of a rational, non sociopath person, would such behavior be predictable or expected. The "choices" serial killers make have fascinated for eternity. When someone is void of compassion enough to plot-kill, who is to say they have pride as well?
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Athenian
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia,

This does read like a dark comedy. The concept itself is humorous – I definitely didn't expect a pure horror thing after reading the logline. Anyway, good job and I think it would be fun to watch. A couple of thoughts:

- I agree with Libby that looking for a serial killer in a truck stop and actually finding one is a bit of a stretch - even for US standards. What if Foxy just happened to see Wolfman putting his "tools" into his van? That way she could suspect he is a serial killer and then think of using him.

- It is strange that Foxy doesn't ask Wolfman if his two other victims were females as well. He tried to rape the first girl and then actually enjoyed having postmortem sex with her, so this might be his "thing". Also, since your script is sort of a horror comedy, I'd rather Wolfman wasn't into sexual homicides at all. Gore can be funny, but necrophilia against murdered women cannot.

- Dustin's suggestion regarding the ending makes sense. Here's another way to avoid exposition: Foxy lets Woolfman enjoy the bloody photos on her cell phone. As he's looking through them, he comes across one of her and her husband.  He looks at her puzzled, she smiles at him. Fade out.

Good luck with the script, I enjoyed it.

Manolis
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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Foxy seems intelligent enough to find a Serial Killer in the parking lot IMO. What guys? A girl can't be sexy and smart? Also guys ...this is a movie. Go watch any movie out there and you will find things that feel like a 'stretch' but they are there because they WORK.
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stevemiles
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Pia,

Like the idea of a crime writer using a serial killer to do her dirty work.  Entertaining dialogue -- the back and forth between them lent this a darkly comic touch.

Mixed feelings on the ending -- perhaps not one to dwell too deeply on -- the story is functional as is, just feels a bit abrupt -- like there’s room for another twist in here.

Not sure what having Foxy record the murder served -- I’d think the pics could serve to implicate her as much as him.  

Following the logic through it figures Wolfman would have her just as much at his mercy as she would him -- he’s only deferring to her based on the assumption she’s a more experienced killer than he is.  She’s also leaving the clean-up to someone she regards as having a low IQ -- if he gets caught he could pull her down with him.  If she’s smart enough to manipulate him to murder, why would she leave herself somewhat vulnerable?

Anyways, functional and entertaining.  To me there could be room to throw an extra something into the mix.

Steve  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Athenian
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Quoted from Pale Yellow
Foxy seems intelligent enough to find a Serial Killer in the parking lot IMO. What guys? A girl can't be sexy and smart? Also guys ...this is a movie. Go watch any movie out there and you will find things that feel like a 'stretch' but they are there because they WORK.


Dena, I know it's movie, that's why I didn't ask e.g. why Foxy didn't just hire a hitman for the job.
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Jamual
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Good stuff.

The twist at the ending is a major highlight for me.

Love the subject matter as well.

Dark fiction is the shit..
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jwent6688
Posted: August 16th, 2015, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Pia,

I liked this, but it's no fave of mine from what I've read of yours. I didn't laugh at any of this, but felt I should have? Just all happens too easy and coincidental.

I think Wolfman wouldn't have gotten away with one kill in today's day and age. He's a straight fucktard. If you were going more serious, I would lessen his resume to maybe one kill or none and have Foxy somehow know her mark before she even saw him at the gas station.

On a positive note, some great dialogue exchanges between the two. I think on film you would want to draw that slower. Let's see how Foxy gets him to let his gaurd down.

I'll admit, when she said revenge killing, I thought he killed someone close to her and was exacting that revenge.

Cheers girl, I was entertained.

James


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Sandro
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Hello Pia,

Your script really gave me a Kalifornia meets I Saw the Devil vibe. A very smooth read.
Like the latter movie, there is indeed some reliance on coincidence in your story, but complaining about such things in high concept stories seems a bit pedantic.

Believe it or not, I do agree with Dustin and like his suggestion concerning the end. As it is, it seems quite abrupt and ripe or one more thing/twist to happen. I know that you don't agree though, so feel free to ignore this point.

My biggest issue with your script, however, is that you used, what seems like, Comic Sans as the font for your title. It's like the Justin Bieber of fonts.

All in all, good stuff.

Sandro
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 17th, 2015, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

I don’t expect any read backs, never do. I’m just happy to read scripts and review them when I get the chance; which isn’t as often I’d like.

I liked this, it reminded me of my 12 Step Killers script in tone (great minds think alike!) and the black comedy aspect was perfect during the torture scene. It was over the top but not too over the top and worked really well.

It was a tad predictable. It was obvious Foxy was setting him up from the start, it would have been nice if Wolfman was actually a bit of a genius and was setting her up somehow. Also, there was no tension, all their plans went perfectly. I think it needs something unexpected to happen which the duo have to overcome together. Like maybe the guy does a runner part way through the torture or some stranger comes by and they have to take care of this guy as well.    

But it was an easy read, enjoyable and I could see this working very well if produced.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Grandma Bear
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Thanks for reading everyone! If you want a return read, send me a pm. I have lost track of who wrote what and such. You also want to get to me before the 7WC features are up.

Thanks again!  


Quoted from Athenian

- I agree with Libby that looking for a serial killer in a truck stop and actually finding one is a bit of a stretch - even for US standards. What if Foxy just happened to see Wolfman putting his "tools" into his van? That way she could suspect he is a serial killer and then think of using him.

Dena suggested showing Foxy hanging out at the truck stop all day. Maybe even see a couple of potentials that turnout to be wrong. I think that would help.


Quoted from Athenian
- It is strange that Foxy doesn't ask Wolfman if his two other victims were females as well. He tried to rape the first girl and then actually enjoyed having postmortem sex with her, so this might be his "thing". Also, since your script is sort of a horror comedy, I'd rather Wolfman wasn't into sexual homicides at all. Gore can be funny, but necrophilia against murdered women cannot.

I hear you, but I studied up on this and this is pretty common for the "unorganized lust killers".


Quoted from Athenian
- Dustin's suggestion regarding the ending makes sense. Here's another way to avoid exposition: Foxy lets Woolfman enjoy the bloody photos on her cell phone. As he's looking through them, he comes across one of her and her husband.  He looks at her puzzled, she smiles at him. Fade out.

That could work!


Quoted from Athenian
Good luck with the script, I enjoyed it.
Manolis

Thanks for giving it a read!  


Quoted from stevemiles

Like the idea of a crime writer using a serial killer to do her dirty work.  Entertaining dialogue -- the back and forth between them lent this a darkly comic touch.

Mixed feelings on the ending -- perhaps not one to dwell too deeply on -- the story is functional as is, just feels a bit abrupt -- like there’s room for another twist in here.

Common mistake of mine to rush the end. I just can't seem to get to type FADE OUT: fast enough.

Another twist, eh? That seems to be what's missing here. I just have to come up with one.  


Quoted from stevemiles
Not sure what having Foxy record the murder served -- I’d think the pics could serve to implicate her as much as him.  

Following the logic through it figures Wolfman would have her just as much at his mercy as she would him -- he’s only deferring to her based on the assumption she’s a more experienced killer than he is.  She’s also leaving the clean-up to someone she regards as having a low IQ -- if he gets caught he could pull her down with him.  If she’s smart enough to manipulate him to murder, why would she leave herself somewhat vulnerable?

My logic there, or lack of it, was just thinking how everyone's always taking pics or filming with their phones these days, so it seemed natural.


Quoted from stevemiles
Anyways, functional and entertaining.  To me there could be room to throw an extra something into the mix.

Steve  

That extra twist again!!!!

Thanks for reading!  


Quoted from Jamual
Good stuff.

The twist at the ending is a major highlight for me.

Love the subject matter as well.

Dark fiction is the shit..

Welcome to the boards and thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it.  



Quoted from jwent6688
I liked this, but it's no fave of mine from what I've read of yours. I didn't laugh at any of this, but felt I should have? Just all happens too easy and coincidental.
Thank you, but ouch.  


Quoted from jwent6688
I think Wolfman wouldn't have gotten away with one kill in today's day and age. He's a straight fucktard. If you were going more serious, I would lessen his resume to maybe one kill or none and have Foxy somehow know her mark before she even saw him at the gas station.

I went with three because that's how many you need under your belt so to speak, in order to be considered a serial killer.


Quoted from jwent6688
On a positive note, some great dialogue exchanges between the two. I think on film you would want to draw that slower. Let's see how Foxy gets him to let his gaurd down.
You're probably right there. In my head, he was just really stunned that she had him pegged so easy.


Quoted from jwent6688
I'll admit, when she said revenge killing, I thought he killed someone close to her and was exacting that revenge.

Cheers girl, I was entertained.

James

I'm glad you were lead astray then and it wasn't too much of a giveaway.

Thanks James!  



Quoted from Sandro

Your script really gave me a Kalifornia meets I Saw the Devil vibe. A very smooth read.
Like the latter movie, there is indeed some reliance on coincidence in your story, but complaining about such things in high concept stories seems a bit pedantic.

I haven't seen either one of those films, but I recognize Kalifornia because that's how we spell it in Sweden.

About the coincidences. A lot of things we writers complain about here when reading scripts are stuff that do happen in movies all the time. I think it's fine when they are brought up. We often read scripts with a magnifying glass and often re-read sentences to make sure we really got it, while when we watch a movie, things just tend to go by to fast for us to get hung up on stuff. Unless they are really major.


Quoted from Sandro
Believe it or not, I do agree with Dustin and like his suggestion concerning the end. As it is, it seems quite abrupt and ripe or one more thing/twist to happen. I know that you don't agree though, so feel free to ignore this point.
Seems like I really do need to come up with another twist!!!  


Quoted from Sandro
My biggest issue with your script, however, is that you used, what seems like, Comic Sans as the font for your title. It's like the Justin Bieber of fonts.

All in all, good stuff.

Sandro

Justin Bieber of fonts!!!!!!!!  

Some writers have really cool fonts for the title on the cover page. I'm too dense to have figured out how to yet, so I'm stuck with whatever FD has to offer.

Thanks for the read and becoming an active member!  



Quoted from MarkRenshaw

I liked this, it reminded me of my 12 Step Killers script in tone (great minds think alike!) and the black comedy aspect was perfect during the torture scene. It was over the top but not too over the top and worked really well.

Over the top!!!!!!!!!!!!  


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
It was a tad predictable. It was obvious Foxy was setting him up from the start, it would have been nice if Wolfman was actually a bit of a genius and was setting her up somehow. Also, there was no tension, all their plans went perfectly. I think it needs something unexpected to happen which the duo have to overcome together. Like maybe the guy does a runner part way through the torture or some stranger comes by and they have to take care of this guy as well.    

-Mark

I do like that idea very much!

So I mainly need more tension and another twist.

Thank you for reading! Much appreciated.  


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Abe from LA
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Wow. This might be your best script yet, Pia. It's a real sleeper. Better, I think, than Wolf.  And you know how I feel about Wolf.  If I was a producer I would def. option 'Psychos' ASAP. It's going to be a super short,  and if you dare, a wonderful feature.

I'm in love with Foxy.  Great character.
Almost everything in thos story works, or could work — if reworked. Got that?

Can't get a review up now, but maybe later today or tomorrow.
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Grandma Bear
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Gary!!!

What a treat to have you pop in!

It makes me super happy you like it! Something I wrote to try to get my mojo back. I think it worked too.  

I like Wolf, but I think it might have been for the best that it didn't get written yet. I'm finally, after many years, getting better at features. I love shorts, always have and always will, but I think it definitely hampered my feature writing. So some scripts might still happen and if they do, they are more likely to kick ass as I get better.  

Btw, I have already had two different filmmakers contact me about this one!  


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 20th, 2015, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia,

Nice to see a script from you.

Well written, with that darkly humorous undertone you are so good at.

Being honest, I didn't really buy any of it. From the part where he'd left the rear door unlocked so she could open it, to how quickly he opened up about being a serial killer. It felt like everything was happening so you could force the story where you wanted it, rather than it being organic.

Maybe if she followed him to a kill, and saw what he did at the start?

That would deal withl both those problems.

Rick
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Toby_E
Posted: August 20th, 2015, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

Always nice to read something new by you.

Anyhow, I really liked this one.  I am a massive fan of dark humour -- the more macabre, the better -- so it's hardly surprising that there was so much in here for me to enjoy. The dialogue between Foxy and Wolfman was a joy to read and therefore, because this was a dialogue heavy piece, the read zipped by.

My only (minor) gripes were with Foxy filming him so explicitly. Firstly, could she film the scene a bit more discreetly...? Or could Wolfman see, and get angry, and then Foxy convinces him to go ahead with the filming? And whilst I liked the final twist, I foresaw something similar coming (with Foxy getting Wolfman to do her dirty work; I didn't guess the reason though)... so I guess this could benefit from something extra?

But nonetheless, solid work.


P. 1 -- "...her name’s a perfect fit." Excellent. One of my favourite descriptions that I have read in a while.

Bottom p. 2 -- Why's 'body' capitalised?


Great stuff


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films


Well written, with that darkly humorous undertone you are so good at.

I don't try. When I try to be funny, I'm always told I'm not.  


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Being honest, I didn't really buy any of it. From the part where he'd left the rear door unlocked so she could open it, to how quickly he opened up about being a serial killer. It felt like everything was happening so you could force the story where you wanted it, rather than it being organic.

As mentioned before, there isn't anything incriminating in the van. Normal household items, so no need to keep it locked. Only a trained eye would think that assortment is suspicious.

I'm working on figuring out how to fix some of those issues.

Thanks for reading Rick!  

Toby,

thanks for reading and I'm happy you enjoyed it.

It seems the general consensus is that the filming needs to go. IMO, it was just something I assume everyone does these days.

Thanks again!  


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Abe from LA
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Critique coming. Using my phone to shoot a quick reply and ask a question. Pia, would you say that Foxy has 3 objectives: to kill her Harry, to collect the insurance and to frame Wolfie? Anything else?

Do not get rid of the filming. Your instincts are spot on. It's brilliant!
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Grandma Bear
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IMHO, Foxy's only objective is to get rid of her husband and collect the life insurance. She couldn't care less about Wolfman. She knows her husband's routine. It's the same every day. She just had to find the perfect person to kill him for her. She's a crime writer and as such, she's researched serial killers a lot. She knows a lot about them and because of that, she's able to play Wolfman like a fiddle. They are both psychopaths. Just have two different objectives, if that makes sense.  


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Abe from LA
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Two Psychos, a screenplay by Pia Cook

You know I have an affinity for psychotic women with the face of a Goddess. Catherine Tramell, Lianne ‘Ice’ Berg, and now Foxy. BTW, Foxy is gorgeous, isn’t she? I’d be beyond crushed if she wasn’t.

I’m so reminded of what a producer said of a certain actress (and I paraphrase):
No makeup in existence can disguise how ugly that girl is on the inside.

Def. my kind of gal. Foxy is a brilliant, mysterious and dangerous character. Inside beats the heart of a soulless killer. I think you are using her craftiness to shape your story, and maybe to trap herself in the end. What amazing possibilities here.
So goes the flow; all of this, a nice segue into your script.

Well, I’m no fan of your first scene. Foxy sits in her car, observing activity at a truck stop. Why?
Pia, if you begin at the beginning, readers will naturally ask how Foxy can possibly ID and then recruit a serial killer in a matter of hours. Rightfully, your story begins on the night Foxy chooses to approach her mark, who has been on her radar for XX months. She is a crime writer, a researcher, a mastermind. Everything in her world is calculated.
If you do your job, the “how” will be answered in the end. Likely by reason of deduction.

What if you open the story with Wolfman? In his van, doing what most disturbed, low self-esteem necrophiliacs (and the rest of male society) do, which is jacking off. Instead of pumping gas, he’s pumping the monkey.
It doesn’t have to be graphic. Just suggestive.
I propose this scene because it could establish a pattern of behavior — not the masturbation part — but that Wolfman is drawn to hookers and ‘forbidden’ sex. He frequents this sexual hot spot. He likes his women naughty and served cold.

IMO, Foxy’s car should not be parked at or near the truck stop. Her car is needed to flee — not arrive.
____

The scene in Wolfman’s van has some nice moments. I like that Foxy is using her guile, her background in criminal psychology, and her knowledge of Wolfman to control the situation. She does a dandy job of emasculating him, just enough while also feeding his ego.
It’s like she’s training a dog with the discipline-reward system.

Make Wolfman a voyeur. He likes to watch – women, men, sex, together, apart. He’s emotionally and intimately stunted. He gathers power/control in spying on people. It gives the ol' boy pleasure. That could work to your advantage. Remember in Heart of Coal you kicked around the ‘voyeur’ theory? Maybe it’s time to play that card.
Could he also be bi-sexual? That could also work to your advantage.

The whole admission to being serial killers happens too fast. It makes the cargo scene looked forced. I think she she poses as a hooker, enters his vehicle, gains trust, then eases into the serial killer part.
What’s the purpose of the van cargo scene? To convince us that Wolfie is a serial killer? Foxy can easily survey the van from the front passenger seat, using a flashlight. She can do this matter-of-factly. And do it while she’s conversing with Wolfman.

What do you think of clipping Wolfie’s dialogue some? Example, Foxy asks him, ‘Did you rape her?’
He could respond, ‘She started screaming… it was so loud… the whole world could hear her.’
Trimming suggests a Wolfie's state of mind, and drum up a bit of edginess.

Have Foxy locate Wolfie’s smart phone in the van. Maybe it’s on the seat. Maybe it’s in the glove compartment. She can use it as a flashlight. Then, she can scroll through his messages, tap into his photos, videos as she converses with him. This is how Foxy knows he’s a voyeur. Maybe she sees pix of his victims. She lets him know that she's impressed. Compliments him. Foxy, that sneaky bitch, then eases the phone into her pocket.

Important — Foxy does not “sit next to” Wolfie in the van. She should sit with her back against the passenger-side door. Facing Wolfie, at a 75 to 90-degree angle. Foxy’s smart. She’s an arms-length away, so she can intercept any sudden move on his part.
Just how tame or nasty to you want to make this scene? I've got some rancid ideas, but it's on the vulgar side.

Remember, Foxy has every angle figured. She should never forget that putting the plan in action is not the same as putting it down on paper. She exercises caution above all else.

I think Foxy should confide that she needs Wolfie’s help for this kill. Empower the guy. Give him illusions of grandeur. Cloud Wofie’s sensibilities – if he has any. Draw him into her confidence.

The stats of serial killers in America is awesome. She should add or make up the percentage of duo-killers in America. Foxy can end with the number of masturbation daily hi-points among males. Just her way of making Wolfie feel normal — to be used if you keep the masturbation scene.
Foxy is armed with her bag of tools, I like that. Good job.
Can she plant some evidence in Wolfman’s van? Harry’s wedding ring, class ring, a tie clasp, an autographed copy of Foxy’s third novel, etc. Not kidding about the latter.

I cracked up at Foxy’s description of her target. “Beats his wife, and his dogs.” I imagined her saying, “beats his wife, kicks his dogs.” I can see the potential for some black humor here.

Tomorrow, I'll post the rest of this critique: abduction, the kill and final twist. I think you could have a variation of Basic Instinct here. Terrific job, Pia.
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 21st, 2015, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
IMHO, Foxy's only objective is to get rid of her husband and collect the life insurance. She couldn't care less about Wolfman. She knows her husband's routine. It's the same every day. She just had to find the perfect person to kill him for her. She's a crime writer and as such, she's researched serial killers a lot. She knows a lot about them and because of that, she's able to play Wolfman like a fiddle. They are both psychopaths. Just have two different objectives, if that makes sense.  


I think you are short-changing Foxy. Yes she wants to kill her husband. Yes, she wants the insurance money. But this is a woman with another bent. Think Catherine Tramell. I think Foxy has a thing for power and control. She believes she can wrap Wolfie around her little finger. And she does. Furthermore, I think Foxy believes she can not only kill her husband and collect the $$, but do in a way that proves she is a criminal genius.
That's what she does as a crime novelist. She creates monsters that have investigators running into walls.
Foxy is going to write/orchestrate how she can get away with the perfect murder, using a serial killer that she practically creates, and then walks away with no bit of evidence pointing her way. That's a challenge to fuel her psychotic engine.
And why not frame Wolfie? Why not send him to the gallows? No loose ends.
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Abe from LA
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I can see you are going in a different direction with this script that I expected. So, I’ll try to stay on point with your vision and then conclude with other possibilities.

I’m not getting a clear picture of the Roadhouse. I see the empty parking lot, but unclear if this is a business facility, a strip mall, etc. Include some details.

Not sure about Harry’s first encounter with Wolfman. He says to Wolfman, “sorry, we’re closed.” But it’s 2 a.m. Then Harry beeps his car, and presumably turns his attention toward the car door. Maybe there’s a better way to distract Harry so Wolfie can get the jump on him.

The kill, I like for the most part. It’s great the way Foxy is orchestrating Harry’s destruction. Wolfman is obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he has likely touched every tool in the bag. His fingerprints are everywhere.

Observing Wolfman in action makes me think he’s never killed before. Something about the setup gives me the impression he’s a wannabe killer. It’s hard to buy that he’s killed three people and gotten away each time.
It’s as if Wolfie signed up for Serial Killing 101.

The fact that Foxy is taking photos (or perhaps video) is fine by me. Set it us so that it makes sense. The way this script plays out, it’s incriminating as others mention. If Foxy is framing Wolfman, then it makes more sense.

Dustin and others have a strong case that either Foxy would kill Wolfie in the end, or vice versa. No way does she explain the plan, tell him to clean up the mess and then “walk or hitch a ride back to the truck stop.” She might be playing him like a fiddle, but she has just hit the wrong chord. I think he’ll snap.

Wolfman’s just been used. He was loyal to her, obeyed her commands, and now she dismisses him like a used napkin. It’s like ending with, “April Fools!”

At the very least, Foxy should use a stun gun and incapacitate Wolfman. Otherwise, he just might chase her through the woods — which is why I think she has to have her car nearby.
But the line between absurdity and brilliance is pretty thin here, so I think. No doubt, Foxy has to rid her life of Wolfman, either by murder or by frame work.

Since Foxy is not a hands-on killer, I thought how cool would it be to set up this sad excuse for a serial killer. Wolfman is up to his eyeballs in blood, brains and other dna spatter. She even has photos or video of the guy killing her husband.
And this is why the picture-taking angle is brilliant. She could use Wolfie’s phone, or even Harry’s phone to capture the evidence. Definitely not her own phone.

Then she send the photos to her phone. And includes a threatening message (or ransom demand) from the killer. She could set Wolfie up as a stalker, who is so delusional that he kills Harry and now sees himself being with Foxy. Why, this psycho might have even copied a kill from her third novel.

Dustin’s idea of the double-kill makes sense in that Foxy rids herself of two problems. If she let’s Wolfman live, who’s to say that he doesn’t get rid of Harry’s body as he did his other three kills.  He watches Dexter, as you’ll recall.

The worst thing Foxy could face is an angry Wolfman on the loose, and Harry’s body nowhere to be found. She can’t collect on the insurance if her husband merely disappears. As a crime writer, this is not how Foxy would write the story.

Now imagine a jilted psycho hunting his mentor, a master crime writer/killer. She might be smarter than him, but he's wounded animal.

Go brilliant, Pia. And stay brilliant.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 24th, 2015, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear

I don't try. When I try to be funny, I'm always told I'm not.  


As mentioned before, there isn't anything incriminating in the van. Normal household items, so no need to keep it locked. Only a trained eye would think that assortment is suspicious.

I'm working on figuring out how to fix some of those issues.

Thanks for reading Rick!  

Toby,

thanks for reading and I'm happy you enjoyed it.

It seems the general consensus is that the filming needs to go. IMO, it was just something I assume everyone does these days.

Thanks again!  



The problem is inconsistent characterisation, imo.

If there's nothing incriminating in there, why does he get so defensive?

Either he doesn't want anyone to see and is defensive...in which case it would be locked without a doubt.

Or he's completely blase about it, and has left it unlocked...but then he wouldn't get so defensive with her.

Having him be so defensive, but then it's just open, instantly raised a flag.

It may seem pedantic, but these little things make a difference in my opinion.

Rick
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Abe from LA


You know I have an affinity for psychotic women with the face of a Goddess. Catherine Tramell, Lianne ‘Ice’ Berg, and now Foxy. BTW, Foxy is gorgeous, isn’t she? I’d be beyond crushed if she wasn’t.
I was contacted today by an actress interested in filming this with her as Foxy. From her pic on imdb, I'd say yes!  


Quoted from Abe from LA
Def. my kind of gal. Foxy is a brilliant, mysterious and dangerous character. Inside beats the heart of a soulless killer. I think you are using her craftiness to shape your story, and maybe to trap herself in the end. What amazing possibilities here.
So goes the flow; all of this, a nice segue into your script.

I've read up on psychopaths and there are a lot of them in society. They just aren't all killers. Foxy is not a killer. She gets nothing out of that. She just uses Wolfman for her own gain.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Well, I’m no fan of your first scene. Foxy sits in her car, observing activity at a truck stop. Why?
Pia, if you begin at the beginning, readers will naturally ask how Foxy can possibly ID and then recruit a serial killer in a matter of hours. Rightfully, your story begins on the night Foxy chooses to approach her mark, who has been on her radar for XX months. She is a crime writer, a researcher, a mastermind. Everything in her world is calculated.
If you do your job, the “how” will be answered in the end. Likely by reason of deduction.

Totally agree and I think everyone who read had problems with that initial scene. I have something worked out in my head I think will take care of that.  


Quoted from Abe from LA
What if you open the story with Wolfman? In his van, doing what most disturbed, low self-esteem necrophiliacs (and the rest of male society) do, which is jacking off. Instead of pumping gas, he’s pumping the monkey.
It doesn’t have to be graphic. Just suggestive.
I propose this scene because it could establish a pattern of behavior — not the masturbation part — but that Wolfman is drawn to hookers and ‘forbidden’ sex. He frequents this sexual hot spot. He likes his women naughty and served cold.

Oh boy, you and I are like two peas in a sewer pod!!!  Lol!!!

I'll think about that. I like it, but it has to fit the psychological profile.

I have to quit here for tonight. I will finish this tomorrow at work. We were real busy at work today.

As a side note, I was contacted by yet another producer today about this script! I actually think this one is the most interest I've seen in any of my scripts. Ever!

be back tomorrow! Thanks Gary!!!  


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alffy
Posted: August 25th, 2015, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Pia, I've read a few reviews that point out a few concerns about plausibility and to be honest I enjoyed this for what I thought it was intended: a dark twisted tale with a pinch of humour.

I read really quickly and smooth.  Good banter between Foxy and Wolfman and a satisfying twist and the end.

Yes, yes there are some issues with Foxy picking out a serial killer so easily but I'm not going to be too picky.  I enjoyed this little yarn.  Good stuff.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Abe from LA
IMO, Foxy’s car should not be parked at or near the truck stop. Her car is needed to flee — not arrive.

I think I have a new beginning worked out.
____


Quoted from Abe from LA
The scene in Wolfman’s van has some nice moments. I like that Foxy is using her guile, her background in criminal psychology, and her knowledge of Wolfman to control the situation. She does a dandy job of emasculating him, just enough while also feeding his ego.
It’s like she’s training a dog with the discipline-reward system.

Glad that worked.  

I forgot if I mentioned this already, but those psychological profiles of the disorganized lust killer and organized revenge killers are facts and the former, which Wolfman is, tend to have a lower IQ and the latter a high IQ. I think Dahmer's IQ was only 70+ while Bundy's was 120+. Of course Bundy was not a revenge killer, but he was an organized killer.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Make Wolfman a voyeur. He likes to watch – women, men, sex, together, apart. He’s emotionally and intimately stunted. He gathers power/control in spying on people. It gives the ol' boy pleasure. That could work to your advantage. Remember in Heart of Coal you kicked around the ‘voyeur’ theory? Maybe it’s time to play that card.
Could he also be bi-sexual? That could also work to your advantage.
Everyone likes to watch, don't they?

I don't know. I just see him as someone who's an outsider. Has no friends. Socially awkward. He likes women, but has never been close to one. His first kill was his first time and he loved it. Wants to do it again.


Quoted from Abe from LA
The whole admission to being serial killers happens too fast. It makes the cargo scene looked forced. I think she she poses as a hooker, enters his vehicle, gains trust, then eases into the serial killer part.
What’s the purpose of the van cargo scene? To convince us that Wolfie is a serial killer? Foxy can easily survey the van from the front passenger seat, using a flashlight. She can do this matter-of-factly. And do it while she’s conversing with Wolfman.

Lots of people complaining about that scene. I have to change it. In my mind, she's well informed about serial killers. She spots him and thinks he fits the profile, but she needs to be sure. When she sees what he has in the back of the van, she knows she's got a real one in front of her.


Quoted from Abe from LA
What do you think of clipping Wolfie’s dialogue some? Example, Foxy asks him, ‘Did you rape her?’
He could respond, ‘She started screaming… it was so loud… the whole world could hear her.’
Trimming suggests a Wolfie's state of mind, and drum up a bit of edginess.

Could work. I'll have to try it out.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Have Foxy locate Wolfie’s smart phone in the van. Maybe it’s on the seat. Maybe it’s in the glove compartment. She can use it as a flashlight. Then, she can scroll through his messages, tap into his photos, videos as she converses with him. This is how Foxy knows he’s a voyeur. Maybe she sees pix of his victims. She lets him know that she's impressed. Compliments him. Foxy, that sneaky bitch, then eases the phone into her pocket.

I can do something like that, but IMHO, it's important that Wofman remains an unorganized lust killer. Nothing is planned. He doesn't stalk. They are more of an impulse driven killer.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Important — Foxy does not “sit next to” Wolfie in the van. She should sit with her back against the passenger-side door. Facing Wolfie, at a 75 to 90-degree angle. Foxy’s smart. She’s an arms-length away, so she can intercept any sudden move on his part.
Just how tame or nasty to you want to make this scene? I've got some rancid ideas, but it's on the vulgar side.

Good idea about her positioning. He is a killer as well after all so she shouldn't be too lax around him. I even considered giving her a gun that only she and the audience knows about. Just in case...

I'm not afraid of vulgar, but I've had quite a few people contact me about permission to shoot this script and they have all been women, so I'm hesitant to change it too much. Especially going darker.  


Quoted from Abe from LA
Remember, Foxy has every angle figured. She should never forget that putting the plan in action is not the same as putting it down on paper. She exercises caution above all else.

I think Foxy should confide that she needs Wolfie’s help for this kill. Empower the guy. Give him illusions of grandeur. Cloud Wofie’s sensibilities – if he has any. Draw him into her confidence.

Yep, that would work.


Quoted from Abe from LA
The stats of serial killers in America is awesome. She should add or make up the percentage of duo-killers in America. Foxy can end with the number of masturbation daily hi-points among males. Just her way of making Wolfie feel normal — to be used if you keep the masturbation scene.
Foxy is armed with her bag of tools, I like that. Good job.
Can she plant some evidence in Wolfman’s van? Harry’s wedding ring, class ring, a tie clasp, an autographed copy of Foxy’s third novel, etc. Not kidding about the latter.

Not sure about that. She's a psychopath herself. Feels nothing here. She couldn't care less if Wolfman gets caught or not. She just needs him to kill her husband in a horrific way so she herself will not get blamed.


Quoted from Abe from LA
I cracked up at Foxy’s description of her target. “Beats his wife, and his dogs.” I imagined her saying, “beats his wife, kicks his dogs.” I can see the potential for some black humor here.

That would work better.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Tomorrow, I'll post the rest of this critique: abduction, the kill and final twist. I think you could have a variation of Basic Instinct here. Terrific job, Pia.

You're awesome! Sorry I'm so slow answering this. I'll try to get to the rest tonight.  


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Abe from LA
I think you are short-changing Foxy. Yes she wants to kill her husband. Yes, she wants the insurance money. But this is a woman with another bent. Think Catherine Tramell. I think Foxy has a thing for power and control. She believes she can wrap Wolfie around her little finger. And she does. Furthermore, I think Foxy believes she can not only kill her husband and collect the $$, but do in a way that proves she is a criminal genius.
That's what she does as a crime novelist. She creates monsters that have investigators running into walls.
Foxy is going to write/orchestrate how she can get away with the perfect murder, using a serial killer that she practically creates, and then walks away with no bit of evidence pointing her way. That's a challenge to fuel her psychotic engine.
And why not frame Wolfie? Why not send him to the gallows? No loose ends.

You know, I like that. However, that sounds like a longer script to me, but, Basic Instinct is just up there on the list of best screenplays.



Quoted from Abe from LA
I’m not getting a clear picture of the Roadhouse. I see the empty parking lot, but unclear if this is a business facility, a strip mall, etc. Include some details.

I totally hear you there. I guess it's something I have come to rely on to use for a lot of things. Gives a director a lot of choices to exactly what type of location to use. Nothing specific. Just some type of business where the owner works late every night. Couls be a restaurant. A bar. Pretty much whatever a director has available.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Not sure about Harry’s first encounter with Wolfman. He says to Wolfman, “sorry, we’re closed.” But it’s 2 a.m. Then Harry beeps his car, and presumably turns his attention toward the car door. Maybe there’s a better way to distract Harry so Wolfie can get the jump on him.

Don't know. My intention was to show Harry being a little nervous and Wolfman being focused and honest on his job.


Quoted from Abe from LA
The kill, I like for the most part. It’s great the way Foxy is orchestrating Harry’s destruction. Wolfman is obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he has likely touched every tool in the bag. His fingerprints are everywhere.
Again, Foxy has no interest in him getting arrested and he's too worked up in the excitement to care.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Observing Wolfman in action makes me think he’s never killed before. Something about the setup gives me the impression he’s a wannabe killer. It’s hard to buy that he’s killed three people and gotten away each time.
It’s as if Wolfie signed up for Serial Killing 101.

In my mind, Wolfman is an unorganized lust killer. His kills are on impulse. This time, Foxy is showing him the ropes. How to become a smarter serial killer. He's all eager. Wants to soak it all up. Get better.


Quoted from Abe from LA
The fact that Foxy is taking photos (or perhaps video) is fine by me. Set it us so that it makes sense. The way this script plays out, it’s incriminating as others mention. If Foxy is framing Wolfman, then it makes more sense.
No, and I'm planning to get rid of that.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Dustin and others have a strong case that either Foxy would kill Wolfie in the end, or vice versa. No way does she explain the plan, tell him to clean up the mess and then “walk or hitch a ride back to the truck stop.” She might be playing him like a fiddle, but she has just hit the wrong chord. I think he’ll snap.
I disagree.  


Quoted from Abe from LA
Wolfman’s just been used. He was loyal to her, obeyed her commands, and now she dismisses him like a used napkin. It’s like ending with, “April Fools!”
They are both psychos. Their reactions to events are not like yours or mine.


Quoted from Abe from LA
At the very least, Foxy should use a stun gun and incapacitate Wolfman. Otherwise, he just might chase her through the woods — which is why I think she has to have her car nearby.
But the line between absurdity and brilliance is pretty thin here, so I think. No doubt, Foxy has to rid her life of Wolfman, either by murder or by frame work.

I disagree. Wolfman is stupid. He's happy he learned a lot of new stuff. Stuff that exhilarated him more than anything in his whole life until then. He will continue to do this. Foxy knows this. She's not worried about him. She knows he will continue on and she knows he admires her like a master. He would never turn her in.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Since Foxy is not a hands-on killer, I thought how cool would it be to set up this sad excuse for a serial killer. Wolfman is up to his eyeballs in blood, brains and other dna spatter. She even has photos or video of the guy killing her husband.
And this is why the picture-taking angle is brilliant. She could use Wolfie’s phone, or even Harry’s phone to capture the evidence. Definitely not her own phone.

That's a good idea and makes a lot of sense!  


Quoted from Abe from LA
Then she send the photos to her phone. And includes a threatening message (or ransom demand) from the killer. She could set Wolfie up as a stalker, who is so delusional that he kills Harry and now sees himself being with Foxy. Why, this psycho might have even copied a kill from her third novel.

Now that's good, but would be a different episode or in the feature.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Dustin’s idea of the double-kill makes sense in that Foxy rids herself of two problems. If she let’s Wolfman live, who’s to say that he doesn’t get rid of Harry’s body as he did his other three kills.  He watches Dexter, as you’ll recall.

The worst thing Foxy could face is an angry Wolfman on the loose, and Harry’s body nowhere to be found. She can’t collect on the insurance if her husband merely disappears. As a crime writer, this is not how Foxy would write the story.

Now imagine a jilted psycho hunting his mentor, a master crime writer/killer. She might be smarter than him, but he's wounded animal.

All good ideas, except that Wolfman is stupid and thinks only of his next kill. He would never hurt his master/mentor.  

Now that might all be weird, but that's how I saw this.  

Thank you again so much for your time and thoughtful suggestions. Love it, Gary!  

I'm also happy to announce that this script has been optioned.  


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 25th, 2015, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Rick, yes, I see what you mean now! Thank you!

Alffy,

I appreciate you reading and digging it as is.  


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Equinox
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Honestly,

I wouldn't change anything in your script, because for me it works very well as it is. You don't need to be overly realistic in every story. The idea of just waiting at a truck stop until the next best serial killer stops his van there fits nicely to the whole story, which in my opinion is not meant to be taken dead seriously.


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Dustin
Posted: August 26th, 2015, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox

You don't need to be overly realistic in every story.


Things don't have to be realistic at all... but the logic of every plot point should fit the story world created.

If we have a character that can fly, then placing him into a 'dangerous' position where he could easily fly away but doesn't... wouldn't fit the logic of the story world created. One might argue that he was panicking and didn't think of flying away, but it still wouldn't be a logical choice to make. The viewer will be left scratching their heads.

Readers/viewers are good in that we will make up our own explanations, but there has to be a logical route to follow. He didn't fly away because he's tired of running away from everything, as would previously have needed to be shown throughout the narrative.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Just wanted to give everyone an update since so many of you read and commented on this script. It was optioned yesterday by a filmmaker in Tblisi Georgia (not the US state). It will be shot in November.

This script has garnered more interest than any other script I've ever written, and I've written a LOT. I think I've had fifteen people or so contact me about this one. There was even a small bidding war going towards the end. A first for me.  

Anyway, the script that is posted here is still the first draft, but David, the director, has read all of your comments and a lot of the suggestions to improve he agrees with, so changes will be made accordingly.

Again, thank you all for reading and commenting!    


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 4:43am Report to Moderator
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Congrats Pia, look forward to seeing it!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 4:55am Report to Moderator
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Wow, fifteen people - and a bidding war! That must have been exciting. Looking forward to seeing the film.

Congrats, Pia.


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Equinox
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 3:59am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Pia!

I hope we get to see it here


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Congratulations Pia. I do like this script, I hope my comments helped. If so give me a credit

Best of luck with this and keep us informed!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: March 29th, 2018, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Pia! Will watch and comment.
I see another one of your shorts and think - oh, haven't read this one. But then again I read so much of your stuff. You must have a bunch I guess.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 29th, 2018, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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I deleted the link. Don is always being so nice, but this time I wasn't supposed to post a link online since the film is being submitted to festivals. I posted a link on FB with approval of the filmmaker because my account is private, but it shouldn't be linked anywhere else. Sorry.

This short has been filmed twice. Once by a student and then this version. The student wasn't allowed to show it online either since this guy got permission first. She made hers in a month. This version took two years. Filmmakers work at different speeds.  


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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 29th, 2018, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats. I love this script!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 30th, 2018, 6:06am Report to Moderator
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Congratulations, Pia.

I'm curious to know if they kept the ending as written because if I was the Wolfman, I would not have a dumbfounded look on my face as she slinked away with a wink after what she did.

I'd have a dumbfounded look for maybe 5 seconds before I chased that bitch down!


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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 30th, 2018, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Colkurtz8

I'm curious to know if they kept the ending as written because if I was the Wolfman, I would not have a dumbfounded look on my face as she slinked away with a wink after what she did.

I'd have a dumbfounded look for maybe 5 seconds before I chased that bitch down!


Thanks!

The script went through some changes. Some of that because it was filmed in Georgian not English. Foxy was renamed Nina. Which I personally thought was boring, but who knows, maybe Foxy just didn't work the same over there as it does here. Wolfman was renamed Gagi. Which doesn't mean anything to me at all.

There were other changes as well. The dark humor was gone and I missed that. The ending was changed so that Foxy kills Wolfman. It worked, I just happened to like my version better. My intention with the relationship between Foxy and Wolfman was that she's way smarter than him. He's smitten by her and totally impressed, so when she reveals the truth at the end he doesn't really comprehend that she used him.

This one had a bidding war going on, but I liked it too much myself and didn't want to give up any rights to it, so I never sold it. I have tinkered with the idea of making it a feature, but it takes a little while to get your mind in the right frame to want to work on it for a longer period of time. I would have to be in a humorous mood and darkly violent at the same time. That takes work.  




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Colkurtz8
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
The script went through some changes. Some of that because it was filmed in Georgian not English.


- That is interesting. I'm even more curious to see what a Georgian take on it would be.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
There were other changes as well. The dark humor was gone and I missed that. The ending was changed so that Foxy kills Wolfman. It worked, I just happened to like my version better. My intention with the relationship between Foxy and Wolfman was that she's way smarter than him. He's smitten by her and totally impressed, so when she reveals the truth at the end he doesn't really comprehend that she used him.


- That's a pity as the humour is one of the script's strongest qualities. Pff, they must take murder very seriously over there. I mean, what's up with that? The name change to Nina makes more sense now though. Your ending does chime better with the humour alright but again, it's understandable that they altered it to suit the new tone.

A bidding war? How flattering. Maybe a feature might be worth pursuing after all.

Anyway, I hope it turns out well.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 2nd, 2020, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, this is the final film. I watched it a few years back, but was not allowed to share because the guy was going to take it onto the festival circuit. He never told me that was now over, but thanks to someone's detective work, it was found and can be seen here.

Lots of changes from the script...


Two Psychos from Indie Me on Vimeo.



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eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2020, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Nice job there me thinks. Congrats.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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_ghostwriters
Posted: April 3rd, 2020, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Just watched it.  I thought it was well done. Yeah, this is really good. Must see stuff. Congrats. -A


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Burcu
Posted: April 3rd, 2020, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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I didn't see the script. So I don't have any idea about alternative ends. But I like what I watched. Congrats. (:
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Warren
Posted: April 4th, 2020, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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Really enjoyed this. Could have been a bit tighter on the subtitles but everything else is top notch.


Award-Winning Screenwriter

To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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jwent6688
Posted: April 4th, 2020, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on getting this made, Pia. How many is that for you now? You’re definitely the record holder around here.

I enjoyed the film. Thought it was well made and well acted. I had a good idea she was going to kill him, but I didn’t see her setting him up to kill her husband first. I assume that was in the script? I didn’t read it I just see you noted a lot of changes?

Really enjoyed the 80s synth soundtrack. Didn’t like the rock anthem for the torture scene. Felt out of place. But that’s being nitpicky.  How did this do on its festival run or don’t you know?

James.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 4th, 2020, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ghostwriters
Just watched it.  I thought it was well done. Yeah, this is really good. Must see stuff. Congrats. -A


Thanks! I would've liked to see it follow the script a little closer, but isn't that always the case? This one was filmed in Georgia, so they made it to suit that audience better. The script was only 14 pages, but  the film 23 minutes. I guess the 1 page per minute of film isn't always true. Learned that the hard way with Call On Me as well.



Quoted from Burcu
I didn't see the script. So I don't have any idea about alternative ends. But I like what I watched. Congrats. (:


Thanks! The script is in the first post of this thread.



Quoted from Warren
Really enjoyed this. Could have been a bit tighter on the subtitles but everything else is top notch.


Thanks Warren! I haven't seen it in a couple of years now, so my menory is a bit fuzzy. Maybe I should re-watch.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 4th, 2020, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
Congrats on getting this made, Pia. How many is that for you now? You’re definitely the record holder around here.

I enjoyed the film. Thought it was well made and well acted. I had a good idea she was going to kill him, but I didn’t see her setting him up to kill her husband first. I assume that was in the script? I didn’t read it I just see you noted a lot of changes?

Really enjoyed the 80s synth soundtrack. Didn’t like the rock anthem for the torture scene. Felt out of place. But that’s being nitpicky.  How did this do on its festival run or don’t you know?


Thanks for checking it out. I have no idea how many scripts of mine have been filmed by now. Near 40 I think. Got a few more in the works. I didn't really write much of anything last year, but I'm doing pretty good so far this year. We'll see what happens.  


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_ghostwriters
Posted: April 5th, 2020, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
The script was only 14 pages, but  the film 23 minutes.


Yes, Pia, this right here. I remember reading your script, but I didn't recall it being 20 plus pages.  Indeed, a shit-load of changes.  Anyway, like Andrea said, we thoroughly enjoyed it.  I hope you are happy with it.

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Philostrate
Posted: April 10th, 2020, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Just watched it, and I really enjoyed the short. Great job, Pia. Congrats!


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Thanks for checking it out. I have no idea how many scripts of mine have been filmed by now. Near 40 I think. Got a few more in the works. I didn't really write much of anything last year, but I'm doing pretty good so far this year. We'll see what happens.  


Near 40. Wow...


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spesh2k
Posted: April 10th, 2020, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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It's pretty cool having a film made in another language... it means you're reaching an international audience!

I actually do recall reading this a few years back. It was cool to see the film version. Not sure how different it is from the script (it's been a while since I've had a look), but I thought it turned out pretty damn good. It's a nice addition to the Pia Cook catalog.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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MarkItZero
Posted: April 10th, 2020, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work, Pia. You write some sick stuff, I like it!

Oh, and I liked that other one you had filmed recently but I forgot to comment. The drama with the robo caller who's a war veteran.

Keep 'em coming.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 10th, 2020, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys!

I've actually had my scripts produced all over the place. Sometimes without subtitles which can be a bit hard to understand.

I've been trying to get back into the swing this year and I think it's working. My goals these days are not just to get scripts filmed, but write better scripts that attract bigger productions. I have a thriller feature I'm hoping to finish this weekend. I think it's my best one yet.  


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