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  Author    Two Psychos - filmed  (currently 7151 views)
Grandma Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2015, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films


Well written, with that darkly humorous undertone you are so good at.

I don't try. When I try to be funny, I'm always told I'm not.  


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Being honest, I didn't really buy any of it. From the part where he'd left the rear door unlocked so she could open it, to how quickly he opened up about being a serial killer. It felt like everything was happening so you could force the story where you wanted it, rather than it being organic.

As mentioned before, there isn't anything incriminating in the van. Normal household items, so no need to keep it locked. Only a trained eye would think that assortment is suspicious.

I'm working on figuring out how to fix some of those issues.

Thanks for reading Rick!  

Toby,

thanks for reading and I'm happy you enjoyed it.

It seems the general consensus is that the filming needs to go. IMO, it was just something I assume everyone does these days.

Thanks again!  


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Abe from LA
Posted: August 21st, 2015, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Critique coming. Using my phone to shoot a quick reply and ask a question. Pia, would you say that Foxy has 3 objectives: to kill her Harry, to collect the insurance and to frame Wolfie? Anything else?

Do not get rid of the filming. Your instincts are spot on. It's brilliant!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2015, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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IMHO, Foxy's only objective is to get rid of her husband and collect the life insurance. She couldn't care less about Wolfman. She knows her husband's routine. It's the same every day. She just had to find the perfect person to kill him for her. She's a crime writer and as such, she's researched serial killers a lot. She knows a lot about them and because of that, she's able to play Wolfman like a fiddle. They are both psychopaths. Just have two different objectives, if that makes sense.  


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Abe from LA
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Two Psychos, a screenplay by Pia Cook

You know I have an affinity for psychotic women with the face of a Goddess. Catherine Tramell, Lianne ‘Ice’ Berg, and now Foxy. BTW, Foxy is gorgeous, isn’t she? I’d be beyond crushed if she wasn’t.

I’m so reminded of what a producer said of a certain actress (and I paraphrase):
No makeup in existence can disguise how ugly that girl is on the inside.

Def. my kind of gal. Foxy is a brilliant, mysterious and dangerous character. Inside beats the heart of a soulless killer. I think you are using her craftiness to shape your story, and maybe to trap herself in the end. What amazing possibilities here.
So goes the flow; all of this, a nice segue into your script.

Well, I’m no fan of your first scene. Foxy sits in her car, observing activity at a truck stop. Why?
Pia, if you begin at the beginning, readers will naturally ask how Foxy can possibly ID and then recruit a serial killer in a matter of hours. Rightfully, your story begins on the night Foxy chooses to approach her mark, who has been on her radar for XX months. She is a crime writer, a researcher, a mastermind. Everything in her world is calculated.
If you do your job, the “how” will be answered in the end. Likely by reason of deduction.

What if you open the story with Wolfman? In his van, doing what most disturbed, low self-esteem necrophiliacs (and the rest of male society) do, which is jacking off. Instead of pumping gas, he’s pumping the monkey.
It doesn’t have to be graphic. Just suggestive.
I propose this scene because it could establish a pattern of behavior — not the masturbation part — but that Wolfman is drawn to hookers and ‘forbidden’ sex. He frequents this sexual hot spot. He likes his women naughty and served cold.

IMO, Foxy’s car should not be parked at or near the truck stop. Her car is needed to flee — not arrive.
____

The scene in Wolfman’s van has some nice moments. I like that Foxy is using her guile, her background in criminal psychology, and her knowledge of Wolfman to control the situation. She does a dandy job of emasculating him, just enough while also feeding his ego.
It’s like she’s training a dog with the discipline-reward system.

Make Wolfman a voyeur. He likes to watch – women, men, sex, together, apart. He’s emotionally and intimately stunted. He gathers power/control in spying on people. It gives the ol' boy pleasure. That could work to your advantage. Remember in Heart of Coal you kicked around the ‘voyeur’ theory? Maybe it’s time to play that card.
Could he also be bi-sexual? That could also work to your advantage.

The whole admission to being serial killers happens too fast. It makes the cargo scene looked forced. I think she she poses as a hooker, enters his vehicle, gains trust, then eases into the serial killer part.
What’s the purpose of the van cargo scene? To convince us that Wolfie is a serial killer? Foxy can easily survey the van from the front passenger seat, using a flashlight. She can do this matter-of-factly. And do it while she’s conversing with Wolfman.

What do you think of clipping Wolfie’s dialogue some? Example, Foxy asks him, ‘Did you rape her?’
He could respond, ‘She started screaming… it was so loud… the whole world could hear her.’
Trimming suggests a Wolfie's state of mind, and drum up a bit of edginess.

Have Foxy locate Wolfie’s smart phone in the van. Maybe it’s on the seat. Maybe it’s in the glove compartment. She can use it as a flashlight. Then, she can scroll through his messages, tap into his photos, videos as she converses with him. This is how Foxy knows he’s a voyeur. Maybe she sees pix of his victims. She lets him know that she's impressed. Compliments him. Foxy, that sneaky bitch, then eases the phone into her pocket.

Important — Foxy does not “sit next to” Wolfie in the van. She should sit with her back against the passenger-side door. Facing Wolfie, at a 75 to 90-degree angle. Foxy’s smart. She’s an arms-length away, so she can intercept any sudden move on his part.
Just how tame or nasty to you want to make this scene? I've got some rancid ideas, but it's on the vulgar side.

Remember, Foxy has every angle figured. She should never forget that putting the plan in action is not the same as putting it down on paper. She exercises caution above all else.

I think Foxy should confide that she needs Wolfie’s help for this kill. Empower the guy. Give him illusions of grandeur. Cloud Wofie’s sensibilities – if he has any. Draw him into her confidence.

The stats of serial killers in America is awesome. She should add or make up the percentage of duo-killers in America. Foxy can end with the number of masturbation daily hi-points among males. Just her way of making Wolfie feel normal — to be used if you keep the masturbation scene.
Foxy is armed with her bag of tools, I like that. Good job.
Can she plant some evidence in Wolfman’s van? Harry’s wedding ring, class ring, a tie clasp, an autographed copy of Foxy’s third novel, etc. Not kidding about the latter.

I cracked up at Foxy’s description of her target. “Beats his wife, and his dogs.” I imagined her saying, “beats his wife, kicks his dogs.” I can see the potential for some black humor here.

Tomorrow, I'll post the rest of this critique: abduction, the kill and final twist. I think you could have a variation of Basic Instinct here. Terrific job, Pia.
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 21st, 2015, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
IMHO, Foxy's only objective is to get rid of her husband and collect the life insurance. She couldn't care less about Wolfman. She knows her husband's routine. It's the same every day. She just had to find the perfect person to kill him for her. She's a crime writer and as such, she's researched serial killers a lot. She knows a lot about them and because of that, she's able to play Wolfman like a fiddle. They are both psychopaths. Just have two different objectives, if that makes sense.  


I think you are short-changing Foxy. Yes she wants to kill her husband. Yes, she wants the insurance money. But this is a woman with another bent. Think Catherine Tramell. I think Foxy has a thing for power and control. She believes she can wrap Wolfie around her little finger. And she does. Furthermore, I think Foxy believes she can not only kill her husband and collect the $$, but do in a way that proves she is a criminal genius.
That's what she does as a crime novelist. She creates monsters that have investigators running into walls.
Foxy is going to write/orchestrate how she can get away with the perfect murder, using a serial killer that she practically creates, and then walks away with no bit of evidence pointing her way. That's a challenge to fuel her psychotic engine.
And why not frame Wolfie? Why not send him to the gallows? No loose ends.
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Abe from LA
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I can see you are going in a different direction with this script that I expected. So, I’ll try to stay on point with your vision and then conclude with other possibilities.

I’m not getting a clear picture of the Roadhouse. I see the empty parking lot, but unclear if this is a business facility, a strip mall, etc. Include some details.

Not sure about Harry’s first encounter with Wolfman. He says to Wolfman, “sorry, we’re closed.” But it’s 2 a.m. Then Harry beeps his car, and presumably turns his attention toward the car door. Maybe there’s a better way to distract Harry so Wolfie can get the jump on him.

The kill, I like for the most part. It’s great the way Foxy is orchestrating Harry’s destruction. Wolfman is obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he has likely touched every tool in the bag. His fingerprints are everywhere.

Observing Wolfman in action makes me think he’s never killed before. Something about the setup gives me the impression he’s a wannabe killer. It’s hard to buy that he’s killed three people and gotten away each time.
It’s as if Wolfie signed up for Serial Killing 101.

The fact that Foxy is taking photos (or perhaps video) is fine by me. Set it us so that it makes sense. The way this script plays out, it’s incriminating as others mention. If Foxy is framing Wolfman, then it makes more sense.

Dustin and others have a strong case that either Foxy would kill Wolfie in the end, or vice versa. No way does she explain the plan, tell him to clean up the mess and then “walk or hitch a ride back to the truck stop.” She might be playing him like a fiddle, but she has just hit the wrong chord. I think he’ll snap.

Wolfman’s just been used. He was loyal to her, obeyed her commands, and now she dismisses him like a used napkin. It’s like ending with, “April Fools!”

At the very least, Foxy should use a stun gun and incapacitate Wolfman. Otherwise, he just might chase her through the woods — which is why I think she has to have her car nearby.
But the line between absurdity and brilliance is pretty thin here, so I think. No doubt, Foxy has to rid her life of Wolfman, either by murder or by frame work.

Since Foxy is not a hands-on killer, I thought how cool would it be to set up this sad excuse for a serial killer. Wolfman is up to his eyeballs in blood, brains and other dna spatter. She even has photos or video of the guy killing her husband.
And this is why the picture-taking angle is brilliant. She could use Wolfie’s phone, or even Harry’s phone to capture the evidence. Definitely not her own phone.

Then she send the photos to her phone. And includes a threatening message (or ransom demand) from the killer. She could set Wolfie up as a stalker, who is so delusional that he kills Harry and now sees himself being with Foxy. Why, this psycho might have even copied a kill from her third novel.

Dustin’s idea of the double-kill makes sense in that Foxy rids herself of two problems. If she let’s Wolfman live, who’s to say that he doesn’t get rid of Harry’s body as he did his other three kills.  He watches Dexter, as you’ll recall.

The worst thing Foxy could face is an angry Wolfman on the loose, and Harry’s body nowhere to be found. She can’t collect on the insurance if her husband merely disappears. As a crime writer, this is not how Foxy would write the story.

Now imagine a jilted psycho hunting his mentor, a master crime writer/killer. She might be smarter than him, but he's wounded animal.

Go brilliant, Pia. And stay brilliant.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 24th, 2015, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear

I don't try. When I try to be funny, I'm always told I'm not.  


As mentioned before, there isn't anything incriminating in the van. Normal household items, so no need to keep it locked. Only a trained eye would think that assortment is suspicious.

I'm working on figuring out how to fix some of those issues.

Thanks for reading Rick!  

Toby,

thanks for reading and I'm happy you enjoyed it.

It seems the general consensus is that the filming needs to go. IMO, it was just something I assume everyone does these days.

Thanks again!  



The problem is inconsistent characterisation, imo.

If there's nothing incriminating in there, why does he get so defensive?

Either he doesn't want anyone to see and is defensive...in which case it would be locked without a doubt.

Or he's completely blase about it, and has left it unlocked...but then he wouldn't get so defensive with her.

Having him be so defensive, but then it's just open, instantly raised a flag.

It may seem pedantic, but these little things make a difference in my opinion.

Rick
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 24th, 2015, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Abe from LA


You know I have an affinity for psychotic women with the face of a Goddess. Catherine Tramell, Lianne ‘Ice’ Berg, and now Foxy. BTW, Foxy is gorgeous, isn’t she? I’d be beyond crushed if she wasn’t.
I was contacted today by an actress interested in filming this with her as Foxy. From her pic on imdb, I'd say yes!  


Quoted from Abe from LA
Def. my kind of gal. Foxy is a brilliant, mysterious and dangerous character. Inside beats the heart of a soulless killer. I think you are using her craftiness to shape your story, and maybe to trap herself in the end. What amazing possibilities here.
So goes the flow; all of this, a nice segue into your script.

I've read up on psychopaths and there are a lot of them in society. They just aren't all killers. Foxy is not a killer. She gets nothing out of that. She just uses Wolfman for her own gain.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Well, I’m no fan of your first scene. Foxy sits in her car, observing activity at a truck stop. Why?
Pia, if you begin at the beginning, readers will naturally ask how Foxy can possibly ID and then recruit a serial killer in a matter of hours. Rightfully, your story begins on the night Foxy chooses to approach her mark, who has been on her radar for XX months. She is a crime writer, a researcher, a mastermind. Everything in her world is calculated.
If you do your job, the “how” will be answered in the end. Likely by reason of deduction.

Totally agree and I think everyone who read had problems with that initial scene. I have something worked out in my head I think will take care of that.  


Quoted from Abe from LA
What if you open the story with Wolfman? In his van, doing what most disturbed, low self-esteem necrophiliacs (and the rest of male society) do, which is jacking off. Instead of pumping gas, he’s pumping the monkey.
It doesn’t have to be graphic. Just suggestive.
I propose this scene because it could establish a pattern of behavior — not the masturbation part — but that Wolfman is drawn to hookers and ‘forbidden’ sex. He frequents this sexual hot spot. He likes his women naughty and served cold.

Oh boy, you and I are like two peas in a sewer pod!!!  Lol!!!

I'll think about that. I like it, but it has to fit the psychological profile.

I have to quit here for tonight. I will finish this tomorrow at work. We were real busy at work today.

As a side note, I was contacted by yet another producer today about this script! I actually think this one is the most interest I've seen in any of my scripts. Ever!

be back tomorrow! Thanks Gary!!!  


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alffy
Posted: August 25th, 2015, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Pia, I've read a few reviews that point out a few concerns about plausibility and to be honest I enjoyed this for what I thought it was intended: a dark twisted tale with a pinch of humour.

I read really quickly and smooth.  Good banter between Foxy and Wolfman and a satisfying twist and the end.

Yes, yes there are some issues with Foxy picking out a serial killer so easily but I'm not going to be too picky.  I enjoyed this little yarn.  Good stuff.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Abe from LA
IMO, Foxy’s car should not be parked at or near the truck stop. Her car is needed to flee — not arrive.

I think I have a new beginning worked out.
____


Quoted from Abe from LA
The scene in Wolfman’s van has some nice moments. I like that Foxy is using her guile, her background in criminal psychology, and her knowledge of Wolfman to control the situation. She does a dandy job of emasculating him, just enough while also feeding his ego.
It’s like she’s training a dog with the discipline-reward system.

Glad that worked.  

I forgot if I mentioned this already, but those psychological profiles of the disorganized lust killer and organized revenge killers are facts and the former, which Wolfman is, tend to have a lower IQ and the latter a high IQ. I think Dahmer's IQ was only 70+ while Bundy's was 120+. Of course Bundy was not a revenge killer, but he was an organized killer.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Make Wolfman a voyeur. He likes to watch – women, men, sex, together, apart. He’s emotionally and intimately stunted. He gathers power/control in spying on people. It gives the ol' boy pleasure. That could work to your advantage. Remember in Heart of Coal you kicked around the ‘voyeur’ theory? Maybe it’s time to play that card.
Could he also be bi-sexual? That could also work to your advantage.
Everyone likes to watch, don't they?

I don't know. I just see him as someone who's an outsider. Has no friends. Socially awkward. He likes women, but has never been close to one. His first kill was his first time and he loved it. Wants to do it again.


Quoted from Abe from LA
The whole admission to being serial killers happens too fast. It makes the cargo scene looked forced. I think she she poses as a hooker, enters his vehicle, gains trust, then eases into the serial killer part.
What’s the purpose of the van cargo scene? To convince us that Wolfie is a serial killer? Foxy can easily survey the van from the front passenger seat, using a flashlight. She can do this matter-of-factly. And do it while she’s conversing with Wolfman.

Lots of people complaining about that scene. I have to change it. In my mind, she's well informed about serial killers. She spots him and thinks he fits the profile, but she needs to be sure. When she sees what he has in the back of the van, she knows she's got a real one in front of her.


Quoted from Abe from LA
What do you think of clipping Wolfie’s dialogue some? Example, Foxy asks him, ‘Did you rape her?’
He could respond, ‘She started screaming… it was so loud… the whole world could hear her.’
Trimming suggests a Wolfie's state of mind, and drum up a bit of edginess.

Could work. I'll have to try it out.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Have Foxy locate Wolfie’s smart phone in the van. Maybe it’s on the seat. Maybe it’s in the glove compartment. She can use it as a flashlight. Then, she can scroll through his messages, tap into his photos, videos as she converses with him. This is how Foxy knows he’s a voyeur. Maybe she sees pix of his victims. She lets him know that she's impressed. Compliments him. Foxy, that sneaky bitch, then eases the phone into her pocket.

I can do something like that, but IMHO, it's important that Wofman remains an unorganized lust killer. Nothing is planned. He doesn't stalk. They are more of an impulse driven killer.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Important — Foxy does not “sit next to” Wolfie in the van. She should sit with her back against the passenger-side door. Facing Wolfie, at a 75 to 90-degree angle. Foxy’s smart. She’s an arms-length away, so she can intercept any sudden move on his part.
Just how tame or nasty to you want to make this scene? I've got some rancid ideas, but it's on the vulgar side.

Good idea about her positioning. He is a killer as well after all so she shouldn't be too lax around him. I even considered giving her a gun that only she and the audience knows about. Just in case...

I'm not afraid of vulgar, but I've had quite a few people contact me about permission to shoot this script and they have all been women, so I'm hesitant to change it too much. Especially going darker.  


Quoted from Abe from LA
Remember, Foxy has every angle figured. She should never forget that putting the plan in action is not the same as putting it down on paper. She exercises caution above all else.

I think Foxy should confide that she needs Wolfie’s help for this kill. Empower the guy. Give him illusions of grandeur. Cloud Wofie’s sensibilities – if he has any. Draw him into her confidence.

Yep, that would work.


Quoted from Abe from LA
The stats of serial killers in America is awesome. She should add or make up the percentage of duo-killers in America. Foxy can end with the number of masturbation daily hi-points among males. Just her way of making Wolfie feel normal — to be used if you keep the masturbation scene.
Foxy is armed with her bag of tools, I like that. Good job.
Can she plant some evidence in Wolfman’s van? Harry’s wedding ring, class ring, a tie clasp, an autographed copy of Foxy’s third novel, etc. Not kidding about the latter.

Not sure about that. She's a psychopath herself. Feels nothing here. She couldn't care less if Wolfman gets caught or not. She just needs him to kill her husband in a horrific way so she herself will not get blamed.


Quoted from Abe from LA
I cracked up at Foxy’s description of her target. “Beats his wife, and his dogs.” I imagined her saying, “beats his wife, kicks his dogs.” I can see the potential for some black humor here.

That would work better.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Tomorrow, I'll post the rest of this critique: abduction, the kill and final twist. I think you could have a variation of Basic Instinct here. Terrific job, Pia.

You're awesome! Sorry I'm so slow answering this. I'll try to get to the rest tonight.  


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Abe from LA
I think you are short-changing Foxy. Yes she wants to kill her husband. Yes, she wants the insurance money. But this is a woman with another bent. Think Catherine Tramell. I think Foxy has a thing for power and control. She believes she can wrap Wolfie around her little finger. And she does. Furthermore, I think Foxy believes she can not only kill her husband and collect the $$, but do in a way that proves she is a criminal genius.
That's what she does as a crime novelist. She creates monsters that have investigators running into walls.
Foxy is going to write/orchestrate how she can get away with the perfect murder, using a serial killer that she practically creates, and then walks away with no bit of evidence pointing her way. That's a challenge to fuel her psychotic engine.
And why not frame Wolfie? Why not send him to the gallows? No loose ends.

You know, I like that. However, that sounds like a longer script to me, but, Basic Instinct is just up there on the list of best screenplays.



Quoted from Abe from LA
I’m not getting a clear picture of the Roadhouse. I see the empty parking lot, but unclear if this is a business facility, a strip mall, etc. Include some details.

I totally hear you there. I guess it's something I have come to rely on to use for a lot of things. Gives a director a lot of choices to exactly what type of location to use. Nothing specific. Just some type of business where the owner works late every night. Couls be a restaurant. A bar. Pretty much whatever a director has available.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Not sure about Harry’s first encounter with Wolfman. He says to Wolfman, “sorry, we’re closed.” But it’s 2 a.m. Then Harry beeps his car, and presumably turns his attention toward the car door. Maybe there’s a better way to distract Harry so Wolfie can get the jump on him.

Don't know. My intention was to show Harry being a little nervous and Wolfman being focused and honest on his job.


Quoted from Abe from LA
The kill, I like for the most part. It’s great the way Foxy is orchestrating Harry’s destruction. Wolfman is obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he has likely touched every tool in the bag. His fingerprints are everywhere.
Again, Foxy has no interest in him getting arrested and he's too worked up in the excitement to care.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Observing Wolfman in action makes me think he’s never killed before. Something about the setup gives me the impression he’s a wannabe killer. It’s hard to buy that he’s killed three people and gotten away each time.
It’s as if Wolfie signed up for Serial Killing 101.

In my mind, Wolfman is an unorganized lust killer. His kills are on impulse. This time, Foxy is showing him the ropes. How to become a smarter serial killer. He's all eager. Wants to soak it all up. Get better.


Quoted from Abe from LA
The fact that Foxy is taking photos (or perhaps video) is fine by me. Set it us so that it makes sense. The way this script plays out, it’s incriminating as others mention. If Foxy is framing Wolfman, then it makes more sense.
No, and I'm planning to get rid of that.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Dustin and others have a strong case that either Foxy would kill Wolfie in the end, or vice versa. No way does she explain the plan, tell him to clean up the mess and then “walk or hitch a ride back to the truck stop.” She might be playing him like a fiddle, but she has just hit the wrong chord. I think he’ll snap.
I disagree.  


Quoted from Abe from LA
Wolfman’s just been used. He was loyal to her, obeyed her commands, and now she dismisses him like a used napkin. It’s like ending with, “April Fools!”
They are both psychos. Their reactions to events are not like yours or mine.


Quoted from Abe from LA
At the very least, Foxy should use a stun gun and incapacitate Wolfman. Otherwise, he just might chase her through the woods — which is why I think she has to have her car nearby.
But the line between absurdity and brilliance is pretty thin here, so I think. No doubt, Foxy has to rid her life of Wolfman, either by murder or by frame work.

I disagree. Wolfman is stupid. He's happy he learned a lot of new stuff. Stuff that exhilarated him more than anything in his whole life until then. He will continue to do this. Foxy knows this. She's not worried about him. She knows he will continue on and she knows he admires her like a master. He would never turn her in.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Since Foxy is not a hands-on killer, I thought how cool would it be to set up this sad excuse for a serial killer. Wolfman is up to his eyeballs in blood, brains and other dna spatter. She even has photos or video of the guy killing her husband.
And this is why the picture-taking angle is brilliant. She could use Wolfie’s phone, or even Harry’s phone to capture the evidence. Definitely not her own phone.

That's a good idea and makes a lot of sense!  


Quoted from Abe from LA
Then she send the photos to her phone. And includes a threatening message (or ransom demand) from the killer. She could set Wolfie up as a stalker, who is so delusional that he kills Harry and now sees himself being with Foxy. Why, this psycho might have even copied a kill from her third novel.

Now that's good, but would be a different episode or in the feature.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Dustin’s idea of the double-kill makes sense in that Foxy rids herself of two problems. If she let’s Wolfman live, who’s to say that he doesn’t get rid of Harry’s body as he did his other three kills.  He watches Dexter, as you’ll recall.

The worst thing Foxy could face is an angry Wolfman on the loose, and Harry’s body nowhere to be found. She can’t collect on the insurance if her husband merely disappears. As a crime writer, this is not how Foxy would write the story.

Now imagine a jilted psycho hunting his mentor, a master crime writer/killer. She might be smarter than him, but he's wounded animal.

All good ideas, except that Wolfman is stupid and thinks only of his next kill. He would never hurt his master/mentor.  

Now that might all be weird, but that's how I saw this.  

Thank you again so much for your time and thoughtful suggestions. Love it, Gary!  

I'm also happy to announce that this script has been optioned.  


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 25th, 2015, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Rick, yes, I see what you mean now! Thank you!

Alffy,

I appreciate you reading and digging it as is.  


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Equinox
Posted: August 26th, 2015, 3:01am Report to Moderator
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Honestly,

I wouldn't change anything in your script, because for me it works very well as it is. You don't need to be overly realistic in every story. The idea of just waiting at a truck stop until the next best serial killer stops his van there fits nicely to the whole story, which in my opinion is not meant to be taken dead seriously.


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Dustin
Posted: August 26th, 2015, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox

You don't need to be overly realistic in every story.


Things don't have to be realistic at all... but the logic of every plot point should fit the story world created.

If we have a character that can fly, then placing him into a 'dangerous' position where he could easily fly away but doesn't... wouldn't fit the logic of the story world created. One might argue that he was panicking and didn't think of flying away, but it still wouldn't be a logical choice to make. The viewer will be left scratching their heads.

Readers/viewers are good in that we will make up our own explanations, but there has to be a logical route to follow. He didn't fly away because he's tired of running away from everything, as would previously have needed to be shown throughout the narrative.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Just wanted to give everyone an update since so many of you read and commented on this script. It was optioned yesterday by a filmmaker in Tblisi Georgia (not the US state). It will be shot in November.

This script has garnered more interest than any other script I've ever written, and I've written a LOT. I think I've had fifteen people or so contact me about this one. There was even a small bidding war going towards the end. A first for me.  

Anyway, the script that is posted here is still the first draft, but David, the director, has read all of your comments and a lot of the suggestions to improve he agrees with, so changes will be made accordingly.

Again, thank you all for reading and commenting!    


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