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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Textual Assassins - Filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Textual Assassins - Filmed  (currently 3823 views)
Nolan
Posted: March 2nd, 2016, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Canis,

Thanks for your response.  I never really considered that possible scenario with the title.  I'd hate for something to actually happen based on that!  

I appreciate the feedback, there's some fun areas I think I can take this.  

Nolan
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Athenian
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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Hi Nolan,

Nice effort here. Physical comedy is not easy to write and you did a good job in this respect. (Except, the cat part is a little too long, IMO – more than 1/5 of the script).

I do have the feeling that you weren't entirely sure where to go with the story. You wrote that you wanted to portray Peter as "a pretty crappy assassin", but he seems to be unlucky rather than incompetent. He couldn't have known about the cat or Kylle or the third hitman, could he? Also, since the couple did get murdered eventually, the mission didn't exactly fail (even if Peter wasn't the one who pulled the trigger). There are good ideas here - you just need to organize them a little better.

Good luck,
Manolis
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Nolan
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Manolis,

I think I know where I want to take it now.  I'm going to put it together over the next little while and see what kind of feedback I get on it.

Nolan
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Nolan
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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I took pieces of advice from everyone and tried to mould it together into a revised version.  I've also changed the name to "Textual Assassins".  

As always, let me know what you think, what needs improvement, and all that fun stuff.

Thanks,

Nolan
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Forgive
Posted: March 6th, 2016, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Hi Nolan, this is definitely better with a couple of twists and a stronger ending that references earlier events, but I'll have another read through and see what other peeps think and get back to you, well done on the re-write
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eldave1
Posted: March 6th, 2016, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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You already have a lot of comments here, Nolan so I will focus on just a couple of technical nit issues.

Throughout the script you are missing commas before your character's name. Here are a couple of examples.


Quoted Text
KYLE
No silencer.  Well done rookie.


Should be:

KYLE
No silencer.  Well done, rookie.


Quoted Text
PETER (V.O.)
Get over yourself Jerry, this is bush league.  Learn how to use a cell phone and get your shit together.


Should be:

PETER (V.O.)
Get over yourself, Jerry. This is bush league.  Learn how to use a cell phone and get your shit together.

Some posters have commented on too much detail. I would put it this way. Detail needs to be (a) necessary and (b) efficient. Here were two examples that struck me.


Quoted Text
A THUMB hits the SEND TO ALL button, sending the message into cyber space.


This could simply be:

A THUMB hits the SEND TO ALL button.

You don't need the second sentence - i.e., it is not necessary since we all know what hitting the send button on a text message means.


Quoted Text
EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT

A light breeze gently rustles the tree branches of nearby trees.  
The moon illuminates the night sky.

PETER (34) walks along a street sidewalk.  He wears a plain white button up
shirt and tie, shirt tucked into a pair of black dress pants, secured by a belt.  

He wears a light jacket, unzipped, and carries a backpack on his back with both straps draped over his shoulders.

He carries THE BOOK OF MORMON in his hand.


This is an example of being inefficient. i.e., too many words to describe what you want us to see. Not a perfect example, but something like this would be more efficient:

The moonlight casts a shadow off PETER (34) as he walks down the sidewalk.  He carries THE BOOK OF MORMON in his hand and is dressed the part - white shirt, black tie and slacks. A backpack is strapped to his shoulders.

I did like the story and I loved the title. Keep working at it. Hope this helps.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Nolan
Posted: March 7th, 2016, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys, appreciate it.
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Nolan
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Textual Assassins was just optioned today.
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eldave1
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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Awesome!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Nolan
Posted: September 7th, 2016, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Here's the finished version of Textual Assassins.  The director/producer did a great job!  A few things were changed, as is usually the case, but I was really happy with how things turned out.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVOnq_v7jG4&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop
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IamGlenn
Posted: September 7th, 2016, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Nolan.

Never read this one but just gave it a watch. That's definitely a piece of work you can be proud of. Really well made and a nice little story.

Congrats.

Glenn.


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LC
Posted: September 8th, 2016, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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This could just be me but in the clip I'm watching everyone's heads look spliced off. Format? I dunno...

I'm going to be real picky to begin with, but bear with me.

The music I'm not sure works for me... Notice I said, for me. The camera lingers too much in the final scenes - loved it at 11:14 mark then I think it takes a bit too long on each character's reaction shot. And, the final twist, too long. I don't think all that dialogue needed repeating. We get it. Not sure if it's even needed, that final scene. A shot of Mr Big (J?) laughing would have done the trick. Clever idea. He obviously wanted his entire crew nixed.  

Okay, nits out of the way. Is that a real house? Is that couple real, or a photo? It gets surreal around that point. Amazing shot as the first hitman walks up to the door, the shadow against the door, and the zoom in beforehand. Great casting - loved Rookie! Great little touches, like the dog. Terrific pro feel to it all.

Great stuff overall!



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Warren
Posted: September 8th, 2016, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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Read the script then watched the short.

Script wasn't really my cup of tea, it's written well enough and it's a quick, easy read. Just not something I'd usually enjoy.

Again ,the short, not really for me but quality wise I think you can be pretty happy with that. Like you said there were some changes but for the most part they stayed true to the script.

Congrats on getting it produced.


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Nolan
Posted: September 8th, 2016, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, thanks for the comments!  

When he contacted me, he informed me that this would be his first "big" film.  He had done some small music videos beforehand.  So I took the chance and put my trust in him, and I couldn't have been happier with how it turned out.

As for the house and the pic, they are both real.  I'm not sure how he edited everything, but he sent me pics of the house and of the picture before he started shooting.    
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Don
Posted: September 17th, 2016, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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