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Nice effort here. Physical comedy is not easy to write and you did a good job in this respect. (Except, the cat part is a little too long, IMO – more than 1/5 of the script).
I do have the feeling that you weren't entirely sure where to go with the story. You wrote that you wanted to portray Peter as "a pretty crappy assassin", but he seems to be unlucky rather than incompetent. He couldn't have known about the cat or Kylle or the third hitman, could he? Also, since the couple did get murdered eventually, the mission didn't exactly fail (even if Peter wasn't the one who pulled the trigger). There are good ideas here - you just need to organize them a little better.
Hi Nolan, this is definitely better with a couple of twists and a stronger ending that references earlier events, but I'll have another read through and see what other peeps think and get back to you, well done on the re-write
You already have a lot of comments here, Nolan so I will focus on just a couple of technical nit issues.
Throughout the script you are missing commas before your character's name. Here are a couple of examples.
KYLE No silencer. Well done rookie.
KYLE No silencer. Well done, rookie.
PETER (V.O.) Get over yourself Jerry, this is bush league. Learn how to use a cell phone and get your shit together.
PETER (V.O.) Get over yourself, Jerry. This is bush league. Learn how to use a cell phone and get your shit together.
Some posters have commented on too much detail. I would put it this way. Detail needs to be (a) necessary and (b) efficient. Here were two examples that struck me.
A THUMB hits the SEND TO ALL button, sending the message into cyber space.
This could simply be:
A THUMB hits the SEND TO ALL button.
You don't need the second sentence - i.e., it is not necessary since we all know what hitting the send button on a text message means.
EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT
A light breeze gently rustles the tree branches of nearby trees. The moon illuminates the night sky.
PETER (34) walks along a street sidewalk. He wears a plain white button up shirt and tie, shirt tucked into a pair of black dress pants, secured by a belt.
He wears a light jacket, unzipped, and carries a backpack on his back with both straps draped over his shoulders.
He carries THE BOOK OF MORMON in his hand.
This is an example of being inefficient. i.e., too many words to describe what you want us to see. Not a perfect example, but something like this would be more efficient:
The moonlight casts a shadow off PETER (34) as he walks down the sidewalk. He carries THE BOOK OF MORMON in his hand and is dressed the part - white shirt, black tie and slacks. A backpack is strapped to his shoulders.
I did like the story and I loved the title. Keep working at it. Hope this helps.
This could just be me but in the clip I'm watching everyone's heads look spliced off. Format? I dunno...
I'm going to be real picky to begin with, but bear with me.
The music I'm not sure works for me... Notice I said, for me. The camera lingers too much in the final scenes - loved it at 11:14 mark then I think it takes a bit too long on each character's reaction shot. And, the final twist, too long. I don't think all that dialogue needed repeating. We get it. Not sure if it's even needed, that final scene. A shot of Mr Big (J?) laughing would have done the trick. Clever idea. He obviously wanted his entire crew nixed.
Okay, nits out of the way. Is that a real house? Is that couple real, or a photo? It gets surreal around that point. Amazing shot as the first hitman walks up to the door, the shadow against the door, and the zoom in beforehand. Great casting - loved Rookie! Great little touches, like the dog. Terrific pro feel to it all.
When he contacted me, he informed me that this would be his first "big" film. He had done some small music videos beforehand. So I took the chance and put my trust in him, and I couldn't have been happier with how it turned out.
As for the house and the pic, they are both real. I'm not sure how he edited everything, but he sent me pics of the house and of the picture before he started shooting.