The Unlinked Tree by John Stone - Short, Drama - A DNA Match Causes Someones Dirty Laundry To Be Washed In Public.  19 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

John, I was immediately drawn to your story when I read your logline because…I am Colleen. I was adopted as an infant and found my birth family many years later through a DNA registry - Ancestry.com. Just like the script. I too was the result of an illicit relationship between my married father and my single mother.  When the story got back to his wife  she took their two children and moved to California, never to return. Long story short, through the miracle of DNA, we have found there are 8 siblings, 5 with different mothers. I’m pretty sure that the song, “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” was written about my father  - a good looking ladies’ man with the morals  of an alley cat LOL. Anyway, I have either met or keep in touch with all the siblings at this point except for my oldest half sister who passed before all this came to light. Also of interest, one of my screenplays, “Happy Holi-DNA” is also based on the “surprise” sibling who comes out of the woodwork as an adult to set an entire family on their ear when the news is revealed. It’s a romantic comedy (of course!!) so it all works out in  happily ever after.  Fortunately there were no romantic entanglements in my own story but then I started to wonder….what if?  And the script was born.  So far, all my family interactions have been pleasant and I haven’t (spoiler) ended up face down in  a pond. Hopefully it stays that way!  Other than hitting very close to home, I enjoyed the script a great deal. You know I’m a fan of your writing and this one didn’t disappoint. Good work!!

Oh no! I will definitely read your Holidna story now. Mine is loosely based on my own experience. I was recently contacted by Ancestry. And yes it’s all mostly true but without the drama. I haven’t contacted her in fear of a bad response. I will let sleeping dogs lie. Thanks Kathy for bringing me into your own bubble. I look forward to the read.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Oh no! I will definitely read your Holidna story now. Mine is loosely based on my own experience. I was recently contacted by Ancestry. And yes it’s all mostly true but without the drama. I haven’t contacted her in fear of a bad response. I will let sleeping dogs lie. Thanks Kathy for bringing me into your own bubble. I look forward to the read.

Wow! We have something in common! I need to send the updated draft to Don for upload. Give me day to do that so you can read the newest.  

Due to some minor issues. Revised draft to follow...

This is a rather touching story.  I don't know how I would react if I found myself in a similar situation. It made me think about it.

I'll hold off on any comments or suggestions until after the update is posted and read it again.

I can see where some minor fixes might come into play, but I read this draft anyway.
SPOILERS FOLLOW



John, take my opinion as just that - I know you will.

Overall, this is a big story which felt crammed into short format. The segues into flashback felt awkward to me, like they needed a bigger space to work in. The ending just too abrupt. Colleen needs more of a voice beforehand for me to feel that ending. She wants to meet, to talk, she knows everything, and then abruptly it's:

Don't contact
me again - ever!

And then she does herself in, in a very public way which I didn't  buy. Perhaps it would sit better if there were things she didn't know, or if it happened some time later.

Irish dementia sufferer NORA 82...
I'd delete that preamble (your characters should not be just defined by their disease, and we know this info from previous dialogue anyway. I'd focus more on her personality, her thick Irish brogue maybe; perhaps infuse her with more personality, even wit.

Your dialogue is sound for the most part; definitely a strong point.

This below would work well with fewer words.

JACKIE

Yeah, alright. I'm going to see
her tomorrow actually. But
remember, her mind's not how it
used to be. She's not as sharp
any more. Her medication causes
her to babble a lot. She goes off
on a tangent soon as you mention
the past.

Wouldn't Tom already know this? Maybe he responds by being offended - he already knows. Give us some family tensions/dynamics.

This reminded me of Mike Leigh's Secrets and Lies. That said, I didn't really feel for your characters. I needed more.

I feel like you had a lot of info to impart and you did just that, but to do the story justice and make us live in their world you really need to lay out who these characters are, add more depth, light and shade and humour.

Imho, this needs to be feature length to do it justice.

P.S. I note you say this has truthful aspects to it, so having said what I have, in no way do I want to appear insensitive.

      

Thanks Michael. I look forward to your comments.


  "Imho, this needs to be feature length to do it justice." Libby.


How do you do the quote box? I'm bamboozled. Ha!

Libby thanks for your kind comments - I totally agree, if I was going to make this a feature.

I understand where you're coming from since this is a bigger story than just a short drama, and that's the problem I have always had. I start something and then it needs expansion.

The dementia issue with Nora is mentioned by Jackie to Tom, simply because he doesn't visit his mother very often and unbeknown her mental healthi is worsening. I hope that explains that little issue.

In regards to Colleen, I actually know that she idolized her father, so this would be very depressing news for her personally.
She really cannot deal with it and doesn't want it in her life at all. Bearing in mind that Colleen and the narrative is based upon a real life situation it was hard for me to bring her in without crossing a red line.

Norah is realland does suffer from dementia.
But I do agree to make her more substantial within the context of the play. She can be witty at times, but mostly with aggressive forms of dementia they're prone to angry outbursts.

I will certainly take on board everything you mentioned and make this a feature because there is a much bigger story here.

Thank you Libby. Much appreciated.

To use the Quote function, look in the top right hand corner of the box with the comment in and you'll see a Quote button, just click that.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood To use the Quote function, look in the top right hand corner of the box with the comment in and you'll see a Quote button, just click that.

Ha! Thanks Anthony.

Lots of nifty tips here too, John.  
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/s-0/

Thanks Libby. Appreciated.