Only joking....

I did notice a few awkward sentences but nothing drastic.

You mention 'Youngstown' which is in Ohio, isn't it?  You didn't include a specific location at the start, either in description or with a slug or super so this seems a bit odd to me.  Not saying it's wrong but if you weren't spefic at the start you've now limited to where this could be shot...does that make any sense?

I think you should have 1977 as a SUPER.  Just after this you describe how empty the parking lot is then have Oscar look round the empty parking lot.  I think you could possibly cut the first 'empty' description as you're just repeating the information.  Then however you say Oscar sees Edward, so the parking lot isn't empty at all lol.

Do Police often offer free rides home to drunkeds?  This is a genuine question by the way.  In England they will gie you a free ride to the cells lol.  I guess this is to show the change in  attitudes though as the fuzz don't offer later?

I enjoyed this but it was very bleak.  I'm not sure I undertand why Oscar bought a bottle of vodka if he's short of money; couldn't he just use something else to smash the window?  Oerall though this was a nice intersting read with plenty of sad realism.  Good job, Mark.

Quoted from irish eyes I read that one already... I'll dig through your selection

Quoted from reaper Huh?  I don’t have anything posted -- not yet.You must be hitting the bottle too much . . . like Oscar. :P

Lol.  I must be.  There's somebody else named reaper somewhere on the boards and I must have come across one of their scripts.

Sorry!

Hey Col.

I now know what elegiac means!  Thank you.  At first, I was a little worried it meant boring somehow.  :-)

Thank you very much for checking this one out for me.  I'm glad you got the story.  Where are you from, anyway, if you don't mind me asking.  I know we've talked a bit before, but I was never sure where you were from exactly.

Quoted from Col Why does Oscar need a lift home from the cops when he pulls up in his car? I doubt it’s because he thinks he’s over the drink-driving limit, this was 1977 after all. I’m guessing I’m missing something blatantly obvious here.

No, you're not missing anything.  Oscar's just a little too weary from his all-day drinking binge and feels he needs a ride home.  You're right, though.  He'd probably man up and try to make it home.  Other than showing the difference in police from the past to nowadays, I also wanted to show that Oscar was always responsible and a well-rounded person.

Oscar was one of the luckier ones and was able to stay employed while he was younger.  (I referenced this in his dialogue to Ernie while he was in the liquor store.)  The only reason he's so down and out now is because he never got his pension and he can't make the mortgage anymore.  I know it's very subtle in the story, but I didn't want to come out and expedite the information straight out and be too on the nose.

Yeah, I meant the kind of crowbar that has a chiseled end.  I have to go back and make that clear.

I'm glad the ending worked for you, too.  You brought up an interesting idea about using himself as the instrument to break the window, and had I gone the darker route with this, I definitely would've incorporated that, but I did stick with the more realistic ending, albeit anti-climactic.

Thank you very much for the compliments, Col.  I'm happy you got into it and thanks for the thoughts.

- Mark

Hey James.  (and Reaper)

This isn't the first time I've been accused of having some problems with my loglines.  I don't know why that is.  At first, I kind of like 'em as I think of them, but then, overtime, I do realize it's not the best way to tell what the story is about, or somebody else brings it up.

I might have to do some studying on what makes good log lines.

Nevertheless, thank you very much for the compliments, James, and I'm glad to see that the story worked for you.

Hope to see your rewrite soon.

- Mark

Thank you for clearing up the issues I raised.

You got a strong piece here, would make a great short if you had access to the locations, they're so intrinsic to the story. I always have an affinity for films that encapsulate a certain time/era and place. American Graffiti and Atlantic City always come to mind.

Quoted from rc1107 Where are you from, anyway, if you don't mind me asking.  I know we've talked a bit before, but I was never sure where you were from exactly.

- I'm Irish. Although I've been travelling for the past two years, living in Auckland, New Zealand since October.

Quoted from alffy No FADE IN, personally I feel I can't continue after such a basic schoolboy error so I'm out....

Fuck you.

Quoted from alffy Only joking....

I'm not.

Yes I am!  Thanks for taking the read, Anthony.

Yeah, this takes place in Youngstown, Ohio.  It does limit where it could be shot at, and I did know that while writing it, but I had such a strong version of the story in my head, I had to put it on paper.

Gotcha about the empty parking lot.  I'll go and rearrange that in the brush up rewrite.

Yeah, you're right about the fuzz.  This was just to show the change in the times and attitudes.

And you also brought up a very big plothole that I was hoping would go unnoticed, that Oscar had money to blow it on a bottle of vodka he's not even going to drink, but not to catch the bus.  I'll have to examine that closer too, though I don't think there's a way around that one.  Thanks for bringing it up when no one else did, jerk.

:-)

Just kidding Anthony.  Thank you very much for the read and the thoughts.  You brought up some interesting points I should iron out before I submit this anywhere.


Hey again, Col.

Unfortunately, this one will probably HAVE to be filmed here in Youngstown.  I wrote this one thinking there's so many rust belt cities here in the states I'd hopefully get lucky.  I wrote another story that's very Youngstown-oriented and the director found a way to shoot it in New York without taking the Youngstown setting out of it.  I guess I just let this story get a little too attached to Youngstown.

Living in New Zealand, now?  Sounds cool.  I don't know how big it is, but if you see Dan Botha, tell him I said hi.  :-)

- Mark

Hey Mark,

I read this the other day and read it again today - wanted to let it sit for a bit.

I really enjoy these 'slice of life' stories - too often 'shorts' are disposable in a way and either out to shock or provide cheap thrills or they've been done to death, and don't leave the reader with much to ruminate on. Now, don't get me wrong there's a place for those, (not the done to death one's) but it's also refreshing to read 'shorts' of a more serious tone too imh.

I suppose the only thing I would worry about with this would be the ability of a film maker to create the atmosphere you've set up here. You know this place so I expect it would have to be another 'native' or someone with a close association to the town and subject matter.

If there's a theme to be got here my interpretation is that it's about leaving your mark - the idea that 'we were here' 'we mattered, we were productive' etc. What other people might regard as 'small town lives' - but which in reality most people live. Not rich, not famous, not publicly esteemed but who in the scheme of things are the vital cogs in the wheels. And to a lesser extent about how useful you are as you get older and are no longer in your prime in terms of usefulness.

'An old man's muscle runs out sooner or later' & 'Only the first dark beast this town'll see'-  I really liked these lines.

Some nice little unfilmables too. Enough to paint a picture to create a mood and sense of place without them being to excess. Good job on that.

Interesting bit re the cops and the fact they're no longer accommodating -
days gone by...all that.

I've gotta say towards the end of this when Oscar goes inside the Mill I was thinking something else a little more dramatic was going to happen - hence the second read, but upon reflection I think it suits nicely. It left me thinking, and that's what you want to achieve so that's the main thing I suppose.

My only comment regarding your writing is, as I think Col' mentioned - all those 'ands' seem excessive to me. Are you attached to them?? cause they just laboured the read a bit for me, and I don't think taking a few of them out would hurt the writing any.

Example: 'He locks up the door behind him and pockets the key.'
Is it not enough to say, 'He locks the door behind him, pockets the key'.

I respect writing that goes for rhythm and I'll often do this myself and am not afraid to use 'ings' and 'lys' for example if I feel it fits within the tone I'm going for, and is still 'active' but this habit of yours did slow the read up a bit for me -- and I haven't noticed it in your other writing??

Anyway, compared to everything else that's a small quibble.

I knew another writer on this site quite some time ago who also was able to evoke a similar feeling of time, place, atmosphere and character, so well done. It requires a certain level of writer imh to be able to do it right and you achieved that.

Really enjoyed this, Mark.

Hey Libby.

Thank you very much for the comments on this one.  I agree with you about how disposable a lot of shorts are.  I've always enjoyed short stories my whole life, so I might take them a little more serious than most.

Quoted from Libby I suppose the only thing I would worry about with this would be the ability of a film maker to create the atmosphere you've set up here. You know this place so I expect it would have to be another 'native' or someone with a close association to the town and subject matter.

I agree.  That's the main problem with this one.  It'll more than most likely have to be shot here locally, but I was hoping that the story could be adapted to wherever the director lives.

But, I still wanted the story on paper anyway, so at least it exists there.  Maybe one day.

Quoted from LC If there's a theme to be got here my interpretation is that it's about leaving your mark - the idea that 'we were here' 'we mattered, we were productive' etc. What other people might regard as 'small town lives' - but which in reality most people live. Not rich, not famous, not publicly esteemed but who in the scheme of things are the vital cogs in the wheels. And to a lesser extent about how useful you are as you get older and are no longer in your prime in terms of usefulness.

I really like your interpretation of the theme I was going for.  I was just going to say 'This town sucks', but yours is worded a lot more elegant.  :-)

I've noticed I do like to use a few unfilmables here and there, and I know it when I'm writing it, but I decide to keep them in anyway either because I like the tone they set, or I don't think they get in the way of the read too much.  I'm glad to see they didn't get in the way of your read.

Trust me, having a little more of a dramatic tragic ending crossed my mind, but I stayed firm and kept with telling a simple story of how the top corner window of our mill got smashed.

...And's...  Hmm.  I've never really thought about my use of 'and's until Col brought it up.  I'm definitely going to go back and pay close attention to how much I use it.  (And I'm definitely going to check the things I've been working on lately.  I'm wondering if I picked up the habit just recently since you've said you never noticed it before.)

Hmm.  I'm wondering if i know the other writer you're talking about who was able to evoke those feelings of place and character and everything.  I might want to check out some of his/her stuff.

And thank you very-  ... I mean...  Thank you very much for the compliments again, Libby.  I'm really glad it made you think and I'm extremely glad you were able to go back through and read it a second time.  (I was really worried about this one being a little too boring and hard to get into.)

Thanks for your thoughts!

- Mark